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I think he's gay but he's got a girlfriend

There's a boy I've known since entering high school at the age of 11. I never suspected him to be gay until last year when it just clicked that he'd been quietly pursuing me for a few years (since I was 15). It all just clicked in place, all the hints and clues and the flirtations which I think now I mistakenly took as ways to tease me for being gay. He...quite possibly was flirting with me and pursuing me and wasn't just teasing as I previously thought. And he had a peculiar interest in penises and fit men, the way he looked at boys should have given it away but I was too focused on ******* and fantasising over his friends.

But we stopped talking. I'd never considered him a romantic interest, partly because he was so inconspicious in his gayness, and also partly because I was/am in love with one of his best friends. It's strange how I practically threw myself at most of the handsome and smart boys in school and went running desperatrely after every homosexual I saw yet I'd managed to miss him out. Looks-wise, he's quite attractive. He's certainly tall and has a decent figure. He's also quite smart and can be cute at times.

However, he began dating a blonde belle half a year ago. She is tall, slim and of good taste. Pretty. I'd never been affected by this boy before but I felt extremely jealous when I found out. I tried to convince myself it wasn't true, that it was only a bad dream, but the fact remained that they were dating. I complained to my friends about my frustration and about how much I hated him and his girlfriend and they were a bit confused about my sudden change of attitude towards this boy. I decided to spend more time on my appearance whenever I had the chance to see him because I began to see his girlfriend as a rival. It was a terrible time, though I've had many terrible periods in my life. I was caught between my unrequited love for his best friend, and a burning jealousy over his dating a girl. Yet I noticed that he exchanged glanves with me whenever I walked past him...he seemed to, well, check me out kinda :wink:


At a club, he bought me a drink. I made sure to leave an impression on him to make him remember me. His girlfriend wasn't there, so I spoke to him in a way I'd never spoken to him before - in a flirtatious manner. I'd dared to speak in that way to many of his friends because they're just so attractive and I want them so badly, and he seemed to acknowledge my change of manners and stood there looking at me for a second, as though he had seen something unexpected...

But it's too late now. He has a girlfriend, a beautiful and intelligent girlfriend with a wide-reaching social circle. I feel so helpless, do you get it? When you feel as though you can have someone but you really can't because they're taken and you're not the kind of person to barge in on a committed relationship...

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Reply 1
Avatar for Exon
Exon
15
Assuming you are male, there are two likely options here:

1. He's bisexual.
2. His interest for you is only in your mind.

That's all a straight guy can infer from this. Sorry if it wasn't helpful. Either way, there are plenty more fish in the sea, as the saying goes.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 2
Avatar for indusvalley
indusvalley
OP
3
Original post by Exon
Assuming you are male, there are two likely options here:

1. He's bisexual.
2. His interest for you is only in your mind.

That's all a straight guy can infer from this. Sorry if it wasn't helpful. Either way, there are plenty more fish in the sea, as the saying goes.


I can't stand his girlfriend! I haven't spoken to her before and she seems like a nice, passive girl but still I feel jealous every time I see them together. I don't fancy him though, I fancy his friends.
Reply 3
Avatar for Exon
Exon
15
Original post by indusvalley
I can't stand his girlfriend! I haven't spoken to her before and she seems like a nice, passive girl but still I feel jealous every time I see them together. I don't fancy him though, I fancy his friends.


Are you sure you don't fancy him? The jealousy seems to hint otherwise.
Reply 4
Avatar for indusvalley
indusvalley
OP
3
Original post by Exon
Are you sure you don't fancy him? The jealousy seems to hint otherwise.


Does being jealous over a boy mean you fancy them?
Reply 5
Avatar for UWS
UWS
21
Original post by indusvalley
Does being jealous over a boy mean you fancy them?


If you are jealous that he has a girlfriend, then yes.

You should know if you fancy someone though.
Reply 6
Avatar for Asciant
Asciant
8
He's probably not gay
Reply 7
Avatar for Exon
Exon
15
Original post by indusvalley
Does being jealous over a boy mean you fancy them?


It does come across that way, unless people don't know that you're gay.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 8
Avatar for indusvalley
indusvalley
OP
3
Original post by Asciant
He's probably not gay


What evidence suggests that?
Reply 9
Avatar for Asciant
Asciant
8
Original post by indusvalley
What evidence suggests that?

He has a girlfriend :tongue: He might be bi though, you could just ask him?
Original post by Exon
It does come across that way.


I don't know though, can you fancy two people at the same time? Because I fancy his best friend and I've always recognised his best friend as the boy of my dreams, but I'm kind of turned on thinking about him instead right now...actually, come to think of it I might have a fantasy tonight of them shagging each other!!
Original post by Asciant
He has a girlfriend :tongue: He might be bi though, you could just ask him?


I hope he's secretly gay and not bi. I don't like dating bisexual boys because they make me feel insecure. You never know whether they really prefer girls or boys more and they make me insecure around girls.
Reply 12
Avatar for Exon
Exon
15
Original post by indusvalley
I don't know though, can you fancy two people at the same time? Because I fancy his best friend and I've always recognised his best friend as the boy of my dreams, but I'm kind of turned on thinking about him instead right now...actually, come to think of it I might have a fantasy tonight of them shagging each other!!


You can. People wouldn't cheat on each other if that wasn't the case.

(I don't condone cheating btw)
Reply 13
Avatar for Asciant
Asciant
8
Original post by indusvalley
I hope he's secretly gay and not bi. I don't like dating bisexual boys because they make me feel insecure. You never know whether they really prefer girls or boys more and they make me insecure around girls.

Face the facts, he's almost certainly not exclusively gay, he has a girlfriend, generally gay people don't go for girlfriends
Original post by Exon
You can. People wouldn't cheat on each other if that wasn't the case.

(I don't condone cheating btw)


But don't you think it's a bit strange that all my favourite boys and the ones I hope to impress the most are all within their friendship group? Other boys don't quite influenece my behaviour so much. In fact, I have dreams about them, I never have dreams about the other cute boys and I never remember them. I want them so badly and they just stand out amongst the other boys and groups of boys in our social circle and I don't know why. They're quite nice and mature and smart though, and they have a nice sense of humour and are also quite gay to be honest. They're just so gay...
You have to leave him to deal with his own relationship. You'll be Hung Up for a while - but it will fade for sure
Original post by Asciant
Face the facts, he's almost certainly not exclusively gay, he has a girlfriend, generally gay people don't go for girlfriends


Some gay and bisexual men - in fact, many gay and bisexual men - even have wives. I've flirted and even done stuff with married and once-married men, even men with children. Certain ones identify as being completely gay but it's confusing because I personally would not touch a vagina.
Reply 17
Avatar for Asciant
Asciant
8
Original post by indusvalley
Some gay and bisexual men - in fact, many gay and bisexual men - even have wives. I've flirted and even done stuff with married and once-married men, even men with children. Certain ones identify as being completely gay but it's confusing because I personally would not touch a vagina.

True, you really should just ask him, what is the worst that can happen?
Original post by Asciant
True, you really should just ask him, what is the worst that can happen?


I can't stand the idea of him picking his girlfriend over me
Original post by indusvalley
I hope he's secretly gay and not bi. I don't like dating bisexual boys because they make me feel insecure. You never know whether they really prefer girls or boys more and they make me insecure around girls.


He does sound like he's bi. If he's into the girlfriend, you're just going to have to wait. Is the guy you're in love with gay?

also, as an aside, uuuuurgh

-They don't have to prefer either, and even if they do prefer girls that's irrelevant if they like you. I prefer girls more generally but that doesn't mean I'm more powerfully attracted to them; I'm just more likely to be attracted to any given girl than any given guy. If I'm with a guy then that's it, all my energy goes on them. I might be attracted to other people, like everyone is at some point in a relationship, but I'm never going to act on it because why would you trade that for being in love? It's the most amazing, intense feeling in the world and hurting him would feel like stabbing myself. Bi people aren't more likely to cheat - if they cheat it's because they're ****s or there's something wrong in the relationship, not because they're attracted to more people.

-It's not a bi guy's fault when it's your own personal insecurities.

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