Was I sexually assaulted?
Hi - I am a guy in my early 20s. When I was at school a group of guys in my year used to touch, slap, pinch and grope my behind. It started at the end of year 9 and continued until I left school. I developed a serious anxiety disorder (which I'm still living with) which caused me to leave school before finishing my GCSEs. I've only recently made the connection between my anxiety and what those guys did, at the time I didn't consider it 'assault', although now I do. Am I right, was it assault?
The thing that really annoys me is these guys are friends on facebook (and according to various photo comments, in real too) with my former Head of Year. I told my head of year what they were doing to me and he said he'd sort it, but nothing changed. Considering this happened 8 years ago, would it be childish to contact my old HoY and remind him what they did? I just feel so angry that they have got away with what they did to me and nobody knows about it.
The thing that really annoys me is these guys are friends on facebook (and according to various photo comments, in real too) with my former Head of Year. I told my head of year what they were doing to me and he said he'd sort it, but nothing changed. Considering this happened 8 years ago, would it be childish to contact my old HoY and remind him what they did? I just feel so angry that they have got away with what they did to me and nobody knows about it.
That kind of behaviour wouldn't be acceptable in the adult world but that's how teens and children often act... Honestly, it's been 8 years, he probably doesn't even remember you. Although I understand how much their behavior affected you - the HoY won't do a thing now, it's too late, he will just think you are crazy, I'm afraid.
Honestly man grow a pair
Same thing happened at my old school, the guys in the year used to pretend to act gay and grab your balls and stuff like that but it was just a joke.
You're trying to blame guys groping you as the cause of an anxiety disorder, which happened 8 YEARS AGO?
I think it's something deeper than that
Same thing happened at my old school, the guys in the year used to pretend to act gay and grab your balls and stuff like that but it was just a joke.
You're trying to blame guys groping you as the cause of an anxiety disorder, which happened 8 YEARS AGO?
I think it's something deeper than that
Original post by Elm Tree
Honestly man grow a pair
Same thing happened at my old school, the guys in the year used to pretend to act gay and grab your balls and stuff like that but it was just a joke.
You're trying to blame guys groping you as the cause of an anxiety disorder, which happened 8 YEARS AGO?
I think it's something deeper than that
Same thing happened at my old school, the guys in the year used to pretend to act gay and grab your balls and stuff like that but it was just a joke.
You're trying to blame guys groping you as the cause of an anxiety disorder, which happened 8 YEARS AGO?
I think it's something deeper than that
They happened at the same time, is it really so unreasonable to blame them for my anxiety? There was nothing else wrong, my life was great apart from that.
I don't appreciate you telling me to grow up. If I was a girl you probably wouldn't say that. I reject the idea that lads are just lads and that's normal behaviour - no it bloody well isn't. It wasn't like we were 11 year old kids, we were 16!
I remember in school ALL the guys used to do stuff like that. It was just a laugh and at that age you wouldn't really consider it sexual assault among guy friends who are just having a laugh. I think literally 95% of guys have experienced something like this in school!
I'm not going to be insensitive like some of the other people on here, but this isn't sexual assault considering the circumstances. This may not be (and probably isn't) the reason why you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, but I understand that you're looking for causes of your disorder. I suffer from anxiety myself and I think it's more likely to be due to several environmental and biological factors, not something you can just pinpoint to one situation (the situation in this case wasn't out of the ordinary anyway). I'm not doubting that this may have made you feel uncomfortable at the time, as that's understandable, but it isn't really sexual assault or traumatic enough to cause mental health problems.
Are you seeking any treatment for your anxiety? I know what it's like so I do sympathize with you.
I'm not going to be insensitive like some of the other people on here, but this isn't sexual assault considering the circumstances. This may not be (and probably isn't) the reason why you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, but I understand that you're looking for causes of your disorder. I suffer from anxiety myself and I think it's more likely to be due to several environmental and biological factors, not something you can just pinpoint to one situation (the situation in this case wasn't out of the ordinary anyway). I'm not doubting that this may have made you feel uncomfortable at the time, as that's understandable, but it isn't really sexual assault or traumatic enough to cause mental health problems.
Are you seeking any treatment for your anxiety? I know what it's like so I do sympathize with you.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by Charybde
I remember in school ALL the guys used to do stuff like that. It was just a laugh and at that age you wouldn't really consider it sexual assault among guy friends who are just having a laugh. I think literally 95% of guys have experienced something like this in school!
But they weren't my friends, they were bullies. I don't know what schools you lot went to but this was absolutely not the done thing. I resent the idea that this was normal behaviour. This was a sustained assault which lasted two and a half years - can someone normal please post. I should have said I was a girl, would you be telling me it's normal then?
I remember having panic attacks, sweating, hyperventilating when I was walking to school. I used to leave an hour early to give my body a chance to calm down in the toilets. I used to walk around with my bag hanging down low to try and stop them touching me. And this was NORMAL? Well **** you if you think that.
it could be the things you experienced triggered your anxiety, it could be that it would have happened anyway... it's not really useful to find 'blame' as it will stop you moving on, you feel what you feel and if what you feel is hurt or ashamed or angry or whatever, it is useful to try and deal with that and talk to someone about it so you can start to move on, but blame is not something to move on from, it ties you down with negative feelings
unfortunately your head of year probably didn't have many options to take, I doubt he ignored it on purpose and as other people have said it isn't an uncommon thing to happen, 99% of girls have probably had their ass grabbed in a club, that doesn't make it okay, but it does mean that he wouldn't have taken major action - particularly if the others either denied it or said it was a laugh and not serious
in response to your actual question don't contact your head of year, he probably wont remember, he probably didn't ignore their behaviour maliciously, and he probably has no idea they upset you so much... plus he may not even talk to them anymore... it would be very childish and quite selfish to try and make him feel bad for something that you don't know the whole story of
unfortunately your head of year probably didn't have many options to take, I doubt he ignored it on purpose and as other people have said it isn't an uncommon thing to happen, 99% of girls have probably had their ass grabbed in a club, that doesn't make it okay, but it does mean that he wouldn't have taken major action - particularly if the others either denied it or said it was a laugh and not serious
in response to your actual question don't contact your head of year, he probably wont remember, he probably didn't ignore their behaviour maliciously, and he probably has no idea they upset you so much... plus he may not even talk to them anymore... it would be very childish and quite selfish to try and make him feel bad for something that you don't know the whole story of
OP that sounds so messed up. What they did was so wrong.
I'd suggest going to an authority or searching online for some kind of victims of sexual abuse organisation.
Honestly, i know how much abuse can mess you up, so I'd suggest doing something. And i also know how schools can let serious things slide and it's not on.
I'd suggest going to an authority or searching online for some kind of victims of sexual abuse organisation.
Honestly, i know how much abuse can mess you up, so I'd suggest doing something. And i also know how schools can let serious things slide and it's not on.
You act as if you want someone to tell you 'yeah that's what messed you up' but guess what, although it contributed, it wasn't the sole reason. I had stuff happen to me, too but you know what - the truth is it wasn't just them, the major part was myself, they just triggered my 'craziness'! So you also should get over it just like I did. Blaming them, as right as it might be won't help YOU. And it's been too long you have no evidence now.
Wow a lot of people on this site are quick to point the finger at the victim and blame them for somehow not being mentally tough enough to withstand abuse rather than at people who, yes, were sexually assaulting and harassing that person instead.
I have no idea whether it caused this person's anxiety disorder, but that kind of sexual bullying is probably very likely to be able to do it, and just because you think a behaviour is "normal" doesn't mean it can't be extremely unhealthy for the victims and do them an immense amount of damage.
I have no idea whether it caused this person's anxiety disorder, but that kind of sexual bullying is probably very likely to be able to do it, and just because you think a behaviour is "normal" doesn't mean it can't be extremely unhealthy for the victims and do them an immense amount of damage.
If it was a sustained campaign of bullying then you have a very good point and it may well have contributed to your anxiety, but it was not a sexual assault by any useful definition. It is much better examined as a bullying incident.
Note that male apes use sexual displays, and even actual anal penetration, non-sexually to intimidate and cement social status, i.e. bullying.
This sort of horseplay goes on a lot among schoolboys without any sexual intent, and everyone has experienced it in the changing rooms etc. But OP seems to be describing sustained and targeted bullying.
Note that male apes use sexual displays, and even actual anal penetration, non-sexually to intimidate and cement social status, i.e. bullying.
This sort of horseplay goes on a lot among schoolboys without any sexual intent, and everyone has experienced it in the changing rooms etc. But OP seems to be describing sustained and targeted bullying.
Original post by Ciel.
You act as if you want someone to tell you 'yeah that's what messed you up' but guess what, although it contributed, it wasn't the sole reason. I had stuff happen to me, too but you know what - the truth is it wasn't just them, the major part was myself, they just triggered my 'craziness'! So you also should get over it just like I did. Blaming them, as right as it might be won't help YOU. And it's been too long you have no evidence now.
Thanks for nothing. Seriously, when did it become okay to tell people to "get over it"? I really have no idea if what happened to me caused my illness or not, how do you know it wasn't the sole cause? It could have been.
I have to say that I am pretty upset with the responses I've had here. I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to blame. I just wanted to know if any sane, rational people thought that it was assault/harassment and if it was, how do I let it go?
Original post by Anonymous
I have to say that I am pretty upset with the responses I've had here. I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to blame. I just wanted to know if any sane, rational people thought that it was assault/harassment and if it was, how do I let it go?
Don't know, how to classify the assault, but the biggest problem is, that too many years have gone by, so there is no evidence and I am sorry, that nobody helped you. What is important to move on, which is not the same as forgive or deny some people did cruel things to you (and it is not okay, boys are just boys is a lame excuse), but if you give in you let them win.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for nothing. Seriously, when did it become okay to tell people to "get over it"? I really have no idea if what happened to me caused my illness or not, how do you know it wasn't the sole cause? It could have been.
I have to say that I am pretty upset with the responses I've had here. I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to blame. I just wanted to know if any sane, rational people thought that it was assault/harassment and if it was, how do I let it go?
I have to say that I am pretty upset with the responses I've had here. I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to blame. I just wanted to know if any sane, rational people thought that it was assault/harassment and if it was, how do I let it go?
Oh make up your mind, you've asked ' would it be childish to contact my old HoY and remind him what they did?' and I gave you a clear answer.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi - I am a guy in my early 20s. When I was at school a group of guys in my year used to touch, slap, pinch and grope my behind. It started at the end of year 9 and continued until I left school. I developed a serious anxiety disorder (which I'm still living with) which caused me to leave school before finishing my GCSEs. I've only recently made the connection between my anxiety and what those guys did, at the time I didn't consider it 'assault', although now I do. Am I right, was it assault?
The thing that really annoys me is these guys are friends on facebook (and according to various photo comments, in real too) with my former Head of Year. I told my head of year what they were doing to me and he said he'd sort it, but nothing changed. Considering this happened 8 years ago, would it be childish to contact my old HoY and remind him what they did? I just feel so angry that they have got away with what they did to me and nobody knows about it.
The thing that really annoys me is these guys are friends on facebook (and according to various photo comments, in real too) with my former Head of Year. I told my head of year what they were doing to me and he said he'd sort it, but nothing changed. Considering this happened 8 years ago, would it be childish to contact my old HoY and remind him what they did? I just feel so angry that they have got away with what they did to me and nobody knows about it.
Whether it was or wasn't legal sexual assault is hard to determine, and would be almost impossible to prosecute, but it made you feel violated and contributed to your anxiety so it deserves attention. Therapy would likely be a help to in dealing with what happened and managing its role in your anxiety. I'm sorry for how much unhappiness you've been caused! Hopefully, with time, you'll be able to heal from this.
Consent education is unfathomably terrible, pretty much everywhere on the planet. Kids aren't taught that consent is a lot more nuanced than just saying "no" and that respecting someone's bodily autonomy is absolutely essential to avoid assaulting and harassing people.
You left it too late, OP. 8 years is a long time
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for nothing. Seriously, when did it become okay to tell people to "get over it"? I really have no idea if what happened to me caused my illness or not, how do you know it wasn't the sole cause? It could have been.
I have to say that I am pretty upset with the responses I've had here. I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to blame. I just wanted to know if any sane, rational people thought that it was assault/harassment and if it was, how do I let it go?
I have to say that I am pretty upset with the responses I've had here. I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to blame. I just wanted to know if any sane, rational people thought that it was assault/harassment and if it was, how do I let it go?
Please don't get angry just because someone didn't give the reply you were looking for. It does seem like you are looking to place blame, but that is completely understandable. I'd suggest a therapist as they are more qualified in the situation and can tell you where the roots of your problem stems from. I hope you get the closure you want OP x
Wish I could give a better answer, but I don't understand what is acceptable for guys, as there is different social situations. All I can really say is that guys at the school I went to done similar things, but the school took immediate action when it was taken too far. I really am sorry you had to go through that at school
OP:
A lot of the responses on here are ignorant/ridiculous but remember this - TSR is aimed at teenagers/young people. The target demographic is around 14-21.
With that in mind, don't expect many sensible adult replies - most people on here have VERY limited life experience. As an adult, I say NO, what you experienced is not something that you should just 'get over'. If that happened in the adult world you co-workers would be sacked and probably end up in court. Since it was in a school setting it's a little more complicated because you were all 'children' - even at 16. I don't know whether anything can be brought against someone who was a child when they did those things to you - as a child.
However, regardless of all the legalities surrounding it - it was still immoral and unpleasant which means it's perfectly normal for you to feel upset about it irrespective of the time that has passed. Also to those saying ''oh it was too long ago'' - do you people not watch/read the news? There are so many historical cases of abuse that come to light - and people can and do face justice. So that's not the issue. The issue here is - was it wrong what they did? YES. Do you have a right to be upset? YES. How do you move on? Well, that depends on what you think will make you feel better - I would suggest seeing a counselor first and foremost especially if you believe it has been the root of your anxiety.
Just to reiterate - no one can tell you how you ought to feel. If you feel like someone wrong happened and that makes you feel bad, you have the right to experience those emotions and you have a right to feel violated when someone did something to you that you did not consent to. Don't apologize for the way you feel and don't feel like it's over nothing. What they did was not right regardless of the legality of it or the historical nature of it.
A lot of the responses on here are ignorant/ridiculous but remember this - TSR is aimed at teenagers/young people. The target demographic is around 14-21.
With that in mind, don't expect many sensible adult replies - most people on here have VERY limited life experience. As an adult, I say NO, what you experienced is not something that you should just 'get over'. If that happened in the adult world you co-workers would be sacked and probably end up in court. Since it was in a school setting it's a little more complicated because you were all 'children' - even at 16. I don't know whether anything can be brought against someone who was a child when they did those things to you - as a child.
However, regardless of all the legalities surrounding it - it was still immoral and unpleasant which means it's perfectly normal for you to feel upset about it irrespective of the time that has passed. Also to those saying ''oh it was too long ago'' - do you people not watch/read the news? There are so many historical cases of abuse that come to light - and people can and do face justice. So that's not the issue. The issue here is - was it wrong what they did? YES. Do you have a right to be upset? YES. How do you move on? Well, that depends on what you think will make you feel better - I would suggest seeing a counselor first and foremost especially if you believe it has been the root of your anxiety.
Just to reiterate - no one can tell you how you ought to feel. If you feel like someone wrong happened and that makes you feel bad, you have the right to experience those emotions and you have a right to feel violated when someone did something to you that you did not consent to. Don't apologize for the way you feel and don't feel like it's over nothing. What they did was not right regardless of the legality of it or the historical nature of it.
Why don't you go to counselling?
