Am I overreacting? (Regarding my 'best friend')
I met this girl at university and we instantly clicked, I see her as my best-friend as does she. During term-time we are as thick as thieves and we have a very strong connection as we share the same ideals and outlook on life. I really care for her and to me, she is probably one of the best people I have met to date.
However, out of term-time she makes no effort whatsoever to contact me, I'm the one doing all the phone-calling and texting and when I confront her about it she just says that she doesn't like to talk that much on the phone (she is quite introverted to be fair). She has a group of friends back home and when I do get round to speaking to her on the phone she tells me that she's been going out with them, hanging out at their houses etc.. and this upsets me because when I ask her to go out she makes excuses like she doesn't enjoy outings that much or she's too tired [please note that we live an hour away from each-other so distance is not a problem]. Now, I'm not constantly bugging her to go out but during the Summer holidays I wanted to meet up after spending 3 weeks away and she still declined.
Contrast this to when we are at university she is always up for going for meals, chilling in my room etc.. I can't help but feel as though I only matter to her at university because she doesn't have many friends there. What has really got to me lately is that I recently found out she went abroad for a week with one of her secondary school friends and did not bother to tell me!
I know I've only known her for a short period of time but we really did hit it off. We have exchanged some emotional periods in our life and supported each-other through quite a tough first year at university.
So I can't help but feel a bit used. I really do care a lot about the people that I befriend so when they upset me I hurt a lot. I haven't told her how I feel because when I do she just tends to brush it off and say that she's not really a sociable person.
What do you guys think? I would really appreciate some advice and guidance on how to progress.
- Thanks in advance
However, out of term-time she makes no effort whatsoever to contact me, I'm the one doing all the phone-calling and texting and when I confront her about it she just says that she doesn't like to talk that much on the phone (she is quite introverted to be fair). She has a group of friends back home and when I do get round to speaking to her on the phone she tells me that she's been going out with them, hanging out at their houses etc.. and this upsets me because when I ask her to go out she makes excuses like she doesn't enjoy outings that much or she's too tired [please note that we live an hour away from each-other so distance is not a problem]. Now, I'm not constantly bugging her to go out but during the Summer holidays I wanted to meet up after spending 3 weeks away and she still declined.
Contrast this to when we are at university she is always up for going for meals, chilling in my room etc.. I can't help but feel as though I only matter to her at university because she doesn't have many friends there. What has really got to me lately is that I recently found out she went abroad for a week with one of her secondary school friends and did not bother to tell me!
I know I've only known her for a short period of time but we really did hit it off. We have exchanged some emotional periods in our life and supported each-other through quite a tough first year at university.
So I can't help but feel a bit used. I really do care a lot about the people that I befriend so when they upset me I hurt a lot. I haven't told her how I feel because when I do she just tends to brush it off and say that she's not really a sociable person.
What do you guys think? I would really appreciate some advice and guidance on how to progress.
- Thanks in advance
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Original post by Temporality
Yeah I know what you mean about really valueing your friends, then feeling very hurt.
It would help to know how far apart you guys live during summer hols?
It would help to know how far apart you guys live during summer hols?
She says in the post: 1 hour.
Original post by Arkasia
She says in the post: 1 hour.
oh yeah in parenthesis! thanks
Original post by InfinitePi
X
OP I can relate to the sense of disappointment that you feel but the only possible explanation I can come up with is that when back home she gets very busy and maybe feels overwhelmed by that and wants to focus on her back home friends. It may be a lot of hassle for her to break her schedule to come to meet you though you've said that meeting you would be not so hard and from the sounds of things it is a length you would happily go to, but she would not, which suggests an unequal relationship where you are putting in more effort and for that I can understand you may feel used.
It is a possibility that she may feel slightly stifled by contact with you -nothing personal but she may feel she needs a break from you as being very close to one person (anyone) can become a bit too much and we can feel we need to focus on other people. Still this is no excuse for a complete lack of contact.
I must admit that when 'best friends/very intimate friends' make excuses not to meet with you, yet clearly are seeing others behind your back (or not so behind your back due to facebook) it can be bizarre, confusing and quite hurtful. To be honest, if you don't feel that you can ask her why it is that she behaves in this fashion during university breaks, so she can set the record straight, or if you don't feel you can tell her you are hurt, it probably wasn't such a great friendship to begin with. Regardless of how open you feel you can be with someone about traumatic times I have found that they quite often arent on the same wavelength as you. I know what you mean though, I get attached to close friends too, but people quite often aren't what we think they are. It's a sad part of life we have to accept, though I totally get it is hard to stomach
Original post by InfinitePi
x
Oh my god, the person you're describing sounds so much like me it's actually scary.
It sounds to me like she really is just very introverted - maybe more than you thought. Personally, I almost always find myself spending all 6 weeks of summer (or more; this year I left school earlier) without contacting any of my friends at all. If they email, I'll usually send a reply, but that's about it. If I do see them it's nearly always at my house, and it's because we were doing something anyway (e.g. getting exam results).
If your friend is very introverted, she might just not be used to doing much in summer. Idk about her, but for me summer is when I go into super-recharge mode ready for the next academic year... I get into this relaxed bubble, and going anywhere or seeing anybody (and sometimes even just replying to emails/texts) is exhausting for me. I have a really low threshold for social interaction, but this doesn't show as much during the school year because I have to be at school anyway and I use the evenings, weekends, and shorter holidays to recharge.
Have you also considered that she may just be feeling very stretched trying to maintain friendships from outside of university? You had the rest of the year to spend time together, but she may feel obligated/want to spend energy on her other friends and maintain friendships with the people she couldn't see while at uni. You did mention that she said she felt tired and didn't enjoy outings much.
I really don't think she's doing it on purpose. Try talking to her about it a bit more, but even if she doesn't want/doesn't have the energy to see you this holiday, she will almost certainly be back to 'normal' when you both go back to uni. Please don't give up on her.
Original post by Temporality
OP I can relate to the sense of disappointment that you feel but the only possible explanation I can come up with is that when back home she gets very busy and maybe feels overwhelmed by that and wants to focus on her back home friends. It may be a lot of hassle for her to break her schedule to come to meet you though you've said that meeting you would be not so hard and from the sounds of things it is a length you would happily go to, but she would not, which suggests an unequal relationship where you are putting in more effort and for that I can understand you may feel used.
It is a possibility that she may feel slightly stifled by contact with you -nothing personal but she may feel she needs a break from you as being very close to one person (anyone) can become a bit too much and we can feel we need to focus on other people. Still this is no excuse for a complete lack of contact.
I must admit that when 'best friends/very intimate friends' make excuses not to meet with you, yet clearly are seeing others behind your back (or not so behind your back due to facebook) it can be bizarre, confusing and quite hurtful. To be honest, if you don't feel that you can ask her why it is that she behaves in this fashion during university breaks, so she can set the record straight, or if you don't feel you can tell her you are hurt, it probably wasn't such a great friendship to begin with. Regardless of how open you feel you can be with someone about traumatic times I have found that they quite often arent on the same wavelength as you. I know what you mean though, I get attached to close friends too, but people quite often aren't what we think they are. It's a sad part of life we have to accept, though I totally get it is hard to stomach
It is a possibility that she may feel slightly stifled by contact with you -nothing personal but she may feel she needs a break from you as being very close to one person (anyone) can become a bit too much and we can feel we need to focus on other people. Still this is no excuse for a complete lack of contact.
I must admit that when 'best friends/very intimate friends' make excuses not to meet with you, yet clearly are seeing others behind your back (or not so behind your back due to facebook) it can be bizarre, confusing and quite hurtful. To be honest, if you don't feel that you can ask her why it is that she behaves in this fashion during university breaks, so she can set the record straight, or if you don't feel you can tell her you are hurt, it probably wasn't such a great friendship to begin with. Regardless of how open you feel you can be with someone about traumatic times I have found that they quite often arent on the same wavelength as you. I know what you mean though, I get attached to close friends too, but people quite often aren't what we think they are. It's a sad part of life we have to accept, though I totally get it is hard to stomach
Thank you ever so much for your response Temporality.
I do feel as though I put more into our friendship and it's killing me because my Mother has always told me not to be a doormat to others and it's happening! I agree with your point of her being stifled by me contacting her as when I spoke to her earlier in the Summer on the phone her tone was almost puzzled as to why I was calling her (and as I type this some of her mannerisms are being put into perspective now). What puzzles me the most as well is that when we are at university she always complains about her friends from home being very different to her - in the sense that they have different outlooks on life and she often confides in me how she doesn't feel comfortable with them - and that is how we grew quite close. Yet outside of campus I am a mere acquaintance to her.
I have no qualms whatsoever asking her why she behaves this way but I just don't bother because I know that I am not going to get a satisfactory response. She always brushes it off and says that she ignores all her other friends too when that is clearly not the case. I have been thinking about what I should do and I have decided that next year I am going to try and distance myself from her (which will be quite hard considering we are living together!) but I will try not to depend on her as much. What do you think? I have a tendency to put her needs first and I will drop everything that I am doing to help her, comfort her or socialise with her. Yet I now know 9 times out of 10 she would not.
It's sad really when you realise that somebody is not who they seem. And yes, you are right this is the harsh reality of life.
Original post by catrinana
Oh my god, the person you're describing sounds so much like me it's actually scary.
It sounds to me like she really is just very introverted - maybe more than you thought. Personally, I almost always find myself spending all 6 weeks of summer (or more; this year I left school earlier) without contacting any of my friends at all. If they email, I'll usually send a reply, but that's about it. If I do see them it's nearly always at my house, and it's because we were doing something anyway (e.g. getting exam results).
If your friend is very introverted, she might just not be used to doing much in summer. Idk about her, but for me summer is when I go into super-recharge mode ready for the next academic year... I get into this relaxed bubble, and going anywhere or seeing anybody (and sometimes even just replying to emails/texts) is exhausting for me. I have a really low threshold for social interaction, but this doesn't show as much during the school year because I have to be at school anyway and I use the evenings, weekends, and shorter holidays to recharge.
Have you also considered that she may just be feeling very stretched trying to maintain friendships from outside of university? You had the rest of the year to spend time together, but she may feel obligated/want to spend energy on her other friends and maintain friendships with the people she couldn't see while at uni. You did mention that she said she felt tired and didn't enjoy outings much.
I really don't think she's doing it on purpose. Try talking to her about it a bit more, but even if she doesn't want/doesn't have the energy to see you this holiday, she will almost certainly be back to 'normal' when you both go back to uni. Please don't give up on her.
It sounds to me like she really is just very introverted - maybe more than you thought. Personally, I almost always find myself spending all 6 weeks of summer (or more; this year I left school earlier) without contacting any of my friends at all. If they email, I'll usually send a reply, but that's about it. If I do see them it's nearly always at my house, and it's because we were doing something anyway (e.g. getting exam results).
If your friend is very introverted, she might just not be used to doing much in summer. Idk about her, but for me summer is when I go into super-recharge mode ready for the next academic year... I get into this relaxed bubble, and going anywhere or seeing anybody (and sometimes even just replying to emails/texts) is exhausting for me. I have a really low threshold for social interaction, but this doesn't show as much during the school year because I have to be at school anyway and I use the evenings, weekends, and shorter holidays to recharge.
Have you also considered that she may just be feeling very stretched trying to maintain friendships from outside of university? You had the rest of the year to spend time together, but she may feel obligated/want to spend energy on her other friends and maintain friendships with the people she couldn't see while at uni. You did mention that she said she felt tired and didn't enjoy outings much.
I really don't think she's doing it on purpose. Try talking to her about it a bit more, but even if she doesn't want/doesn't have the energy to see you this holiday, she will almost certainly be back to 'normal' when you both go back to uni. Please don't give up on her.
Hello, thank you for replying.
Yes, she is quite introverted and the points you stated do reflect her mannerisms. I'm fine with that, and I understand and respect that she sometimes needs her own space. She is like that at university also. What I don't understand is why she declines my offers to go out or even just talk and catch up over the phone. Whilst we are very close at university, we did not spend all of our time together because we study different subjects and lived in different accommodation.
With regards to feeling stretched I somewhat disagree simply because I'm not constantly texting, calling or asking her to go out. I giver her the space that I have come to learn she needs (that's what friendships are about right? adapting to each-others needs). For example, during the Christmas holidays I was busy abroad for 2 weeks and when I came back we still had 2 weeks off so I asked her whether she wanted to go out and she said no because she was busy. I was fine with this and I then invited her out a week later and yet she still declined. However, when I then spoke to her on the phone before returning to university she let it slip that she'd been out with some friends from home throughout the holidays. I'm sorry, but that really hurt considering that she refused to meet up with me and didn't offer to take a rain check.
Introverted or not friendship is a two-way agreement. Whilst I feel that she is there for me within the confines of university outside I get the feeling that she couldn't care less and that I am merely there to provide her comfort whilst she is away from her friends from home.
BUMP
(I could really do with other peoples views please!)
(I could really do with other peoples views please!)
Original post by InfinitePi
x
You sound like a good friend in the way that you're doing your best to give her space - I'm lucky enough that I have friends who understand my long absences and the reasons for them.
I gotta say though, I'm not completely sure on the christmas holidays situation... the only possibilities I can think of other than your suggestion is maybe she has trouble associating you with the holidays, or she may just need to see other people for a while. It can be stifling to see the same person all the way through the year, and she might just need a break. I love my friends, but by the end of the year I need space from them or I'd go crazy. I use time away from them to catch up with family if I want to, or just spend time alone; she's probably spending time with other friends for the same reason. And if she wasn't happy with her friendships with them (when she talked to you about it at uni), she might be trying to salvage a sinking ship, or feel obligated or awkward letting them go.
Temporality worded it better than I probably could...
Original post by Temporality
It is a possibility that she may feel slightly stifled by contact with you -nothing personal but she may feel she needs a break from you as being very close to one person (anyone) can become a bit too much and we can feel we need to focus on other people.
If this is the case, I will admit I'm surprised she hasn't brought it up with you. As you already said, friendship of a two-way agreement, and if she does honestly need the space, she should have talked to you about it. I highly doubt that she has stopped caring about you or deliberately 'used' you in any way.
...To put it simply, she may not have realised how much of a negative effect this is having on your friendship.
My best advice would still be to try to talk to her about it. Don't make any assumptions - all of this is guesswork - and just try to talk it out with her. If she's really that uncomfortable on the phone, try sending an email or text explaining in depth how you feel about it and asking for an honest response. It sounds like you had a really great friendship during uni, and it would be a terrible shame for both of you to lose that connection because of a misunderstanding.
(edited 9 years ago)
It sounds like you only matter to her at university... But is that such a bad thing? If she's spent all year with you and hasn't seen her friends from home much, it's quite understandable that she'd want to spend a few weeks with them.
I love my friends but I use my time off school as a break from them since I've been with them for the majority of the year and appreciate a bit of space, they don't take it personally.
Do you have many other close friends apart from her?
I love my friends but I use my time off school as a break from them since I've been with them for the majority of the year and appreciate a bit of space, they don't take it personally.
Do you have many other close friends apart from her?
Original post by mollyxrose
It sounds like you only matter to her at university... But is that such a bad thing? If she's spent all year with you and hasn't seen her friends from home much, it's quite understandable that she'd want to spend a few weeks with them.
I love my friends but I use my time off school as a break from them since I've been with them for the majority of the year and appreciate a bit of space, they don't take it personally.
Do you have many other close friends apart from her?
I love my friends but I use my time off school as a break from them since I've been with them for the majority of the year and appreciate a bit of space, they don't take it personally.
Do you have many other close friends apart from her?
Thank you for your honesty. It is a bad thing to me, yes. I feel as though our friendship is unlike any other I have had and to me she is a very special person. I understand that and I am not trying to say that she shouldn't see her other friends it's just that the behaviour that she is portraying would suggest that our friendship doesn't matter as much to her as it does to me. I don't expect her to want to be with me 24/7 or constantly be texting me but to not speak to me for 5+ weeks and to basically blank me outside of university how can I not be hurt?
I have other friends and I do see them regularly. Having been away from them for months I do understand what it's like to want to catch up and to almost forget about the people you've befriended at university but I still make an effort to try and integrate her into that aspect of my life. Apart from her I have 2 other close friends that I have known for years.
Hi, sorry for what you're going through, I know how annoying it is to feel like you're only close friends with someone when it suits them but this may not be the case, it could very well be that she is just really busy since she probably doesn't get to see her friend from home as much as she used to and this is a big change for her? Obviously you have a right to feel hurt but try not to over think it and my advice to you would be to go out and try to meet new people, that's a big part of going to University and you might end up making friends you never would have met without this push. Regardless, try not to get too hung up on the situation just make the best of the holidays and good luck with whatever happens
Original post by InfinitePi
Thank you for your honesty. It is a bad thing to me, yes. I feel as though our friendship is unlike any other I have had and to me she is a very special person. I understand that and I am not trying to say that she shouldn't see her other friends it's just that the behaviour that she is portraying would suggest that our friendship doesn't matter as much to her as it does to me. I don't expect her to want to be with me 24/7 or constantly be texting me but to not speak to me for 5+ weeks and to basically blank me outside of university how can I not be hurt?
I have other friends and I do see them regularly. Having been away from them for months I do understand what it's like to want to catch up and to almost forget about the people you've befriended at university but I still make an effort to try and integrate her into that aspect of my life. Apart from her I have 2 other close friends that I have known for years.
I have other friends and I do see them regularly. Having been away from them for months I do understand what it's like to want to catch up and to almost forget about the people you've befriended at university but I still make an effort to try and integrate her into that aspect of my life. Apart from her I have 2 other close friends that I have known for years.
Thats fair enough, clearly you both feel differently about the friendship. It seems like she see's you as a university-only friend. Do you have many other friends at university? She could be feeling a bit overwhelmed by the friendship and isn't used to being close with anyone. Have you tried talking to her about it?
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by mollyxrose
Thats fair enough, clearly you both feel differently about the friendship. It seems like she see's you as a university-only friend. Do you have many other friends at university? She could be feeling a bit overwhelmed by the friendship and isn't used to being close with anyone. Have you tried talking to her about it?
I have two distinct groups of friends at university her and then my flat-mates, course-mates etc.. I am a sociable individual but I do give a lot to my closer friendships in the sense that I get overly involved emotionally and thus why this situation is causing me great pain. She on the other hand doesn't have any friends (they're more like acquaintances as she's not that sociable) and so she is very dependent on me. Yes I have and when I do she dismisses what I'm saying and claims that she's ignoring all of her close friends (although that is not the case).
Original post by InfinitePi
I have no qualms whatsoever asking her why she behaves this way but I just don't bother because I know that I am not going to get a satisfactory response. She always brushes it off and says that she ignores all her other friends too when that is clearly not the case. .
I have no qualms whatsoever asking her why she behaves this way but I just don't bother because I know that I am not going to get a satisfactory response. She always brushes it off and says that she ignores all her other friends too when that is clearly not the case. .
This reminds me of someone. Out of interest do you view her to be someone who is quite insecure with who they are and insecure around people? I know you have said she is introverted but of course introverted is not the same as being insecre around people - to me introverted is more of a natural tendency inwards, but doesn't have to suggest any real insecurity. Have you seen her interact with other friends? Does she sometimes appear to put on a persona on social networks?
Original post by InfinitePi
I have two distinct groups of friends at university her and then my flat-mates, course-mates etc.. I am a sociable individual but I do give a lot to my closer friendships in the sense that I get overly involved emotionally and thus why this situation is causing me great pain. She on the other hand doesn't have any friends (they're more like acquaintances as she's not that sociable) and so she is very dependent on me. Yes I have and when I do she dismisses what I'm saying and claims that she's ignoring all of her close friends (although that is not the case).
Perhaps when you're back at university you should distance yourself from her a bit, it seems like the friendship is upsetting you a lot which isn't fair. From what you've said she does appear to be using you at university since she doesn't have many friends there.
Original post by Temporality
This reminds me of someone. Out of interest do you view her to be someone who is quite insecure with who they are and insecure around people? I know you have said she is introverted but of course introverted is not the same as being insecre around people - to me introverted is more of a natural tendency inwards, but doesn't have to suggest any real insecurity. Have you seen her interact with other friends? Does she sometimes appear to put on a persona on social networks?
She is insecure in the sense that when she interacts with people whom she is not familiar with she does not maintain any eye contact and can become awkward easily [she can just about maintain eye contact with the people she's familiar with]. She's also very self-conscious about walking through crowds of people alone or even having people look at her. For example, if we are eating out and I happen to stop eating and she's about to take a bite she'll put down her cutlery and state that I am making her feel uncomfortable or that I shouldn't look at her whilst she is eating.
When interacting with her friends she eases up a bit although she's still a bit uptight. With regards to social networking in my eyes she's just neutral. She doesn't appear to put on a persona.
Original post by mollyxrose
Perhaps when you're back at university you should distance yourself from her a bit, it seems like the friendship is upsetting you a lot which isn't fair. From what you've said she does appear to be using you at university since she doesn't have many friends there.
That's what I was planning to do (although it will be tough!)
Thankyou mollyxrose for your advice and guidance.
Original post by CJKay
Man am I glad I'm a guy. I haven't spoken to one of my best mates for about 2 months. 
I often do ask myself why I'm even bothered. I mean, life goes on but I don't know. I guess I'm just overly emotional.
@ OP
It seems like you need to make more friends as it sounds like you're putting all your eggs in one basket. You're also coming across as incredibly needy.
not sure how you can be best mates if you haven't spoken in 8 weeks. I communicate with my best friend everyday.
It seems like you need to make more friends as it sounds like you're putting all your eggs in one basket. You're also coming across as incredibly needy.
Original post by CJKay
Man am I glad I'm a guy. I haven't spoken to one of my best mates for about 2 months.
not sure how you can be best mates if you haven't spoken in 8 weeks. I communicate with my best friend everyday.
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