"Banned" from Freshers

I am slightly concerned about someone I know, who is starting their university course later this month.

I myself am older, so I graduated a couple of years ago and have already been through everything myself.

Basically, my friend has been "banned" from attending Fresher's Week by his girlfriend. Now, aside from that fact that this girlfriend has actually been very mean to him recently, and I really don't think their relationship is very healthy or strong... She is just totally wrong to do this.
Fresher's Week is not just about the parties (although, yes there will be plenty). But it's the week where he will need to settle down in general. He will make friends in this week, and those people will probably be the people he sticks with through a lot of his uni life.
He will meet the people he's going to be living with, people from his course, and generally get settled before the actual course kicks off.
Obviously, there are also important things like registering for the course, setting up online accounts, etc that occur during Freshers Week.

If he misses it, he will feel even more isolated when he arrives than people usually do. People will already have started to settle into friendship groups, and it could be harder for him to "be accepted".

Also, there's the point that she should be trusting him. He should be able to not only go to Fresher's Week, but to however many parties he likes, and be trusted not to cheat. Banning him from going is not helpful, and only shows the insecurities in their relationship.
I'm worried because I think he is actually considering listening to her. Also, I'm not supposed to know that this has been said, so it's hard to give him direct advise on the issue.

What do people think?

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Reply 1

Blues Clues

Ask him about how excited is he for Freshers and maybe you could ask what his girfliend thinks of it?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I have actually tried the "are you excited" route, but I didn't ask about his girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't tell me the truth.
When I asked this though, I took the opportunity to try and let him know how great the week is, not just for parties but for lots of the things I've listed here as well.

He listened, and seemed to understand, but I was still getting an odd vibe that I can only attribute to him thinking "omg, I'm going to have to miss this" or something.
It's so hard when I can't just talk to him properly.

Reply 3

_Fergo

Doesn't sound like a good relationship if she resorts to "banning" him from freshers.

Talk some sense to him and make it clear that he won't have a second chance! It's either some unreasonable wish of the girlfriend or risking to possibly lose many great events and friendships.

That's my one cent

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Reply 4

Zarek

Don't worry, either he committed to her and won't mind the ban or, more likely, they will be apart soon after he starts uni and he will be in the arms of another..

Reply 5

Qari

Ask him is he that unfaithful that if he went to a party that he'd cheat?
You know the truth just confront him and is she not going freshers either?

Reply 6

MagicNMedicine

The relationship is going to end soon.

When I was at uni I saw this type of situation, not as severe as someone being 'banned' from Freshers, but people that were made to feel very guilty about doing any sort of Freshers inactivity by their partner.

Sometimes peoples partners ring them all the time and want to check up on what they are doing when they are out, and then get in a big sulk so that they get attention. There was a lad in our halls in this situation, every time we had a night out he was trying to enjoy himself and then he'd have to keep going off making lengthy phone calls to her because she was saying "you obviously don't love me any more, now you've found your new friends and have all these girls around you." This lad was a really chilled out easy going guy, but over time it started to grind him down and he just said you know what I can't be doing with this any more, and he split up with her.

The other one is the self-fulfilling prophecy. One of the other guys in our halls was always saying that his girlfriend kept saying "I just know I'm going to lose you...." once he went to Freshers. He tried and tried to allay her fears but she gave him a constant drip feed of predictions that he would "move on from her" now he was with new people and he would meet some "hot girl on a Freshers night who he'd get off with when drunk" and in the end he started to resent the fact that she wasn't listening to his reassurances and that she seemed to regard him as a temporary relatonship that would inevitably fail, so again he decided to end it.

I think with Freshers and relationships you just have to hold your nerve, don't give your partner a hard time and don't be perma-paranoid that they might get with someone.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Qari

Ask him is he that unfaithful that if he went to a party that he'd cheat?
You know the truth just confront him and is she not going freshers either?

I don't see why he needs to be confronted. He should be trusted by his girlfriend.

She is a year younger, so will be starting her last year of A Levels

Reply 8

getfunky!

Tell him you want to go with him to see what is offered this year - societies and parties - it should allow him to make up an excuse, and if he still persists in not telling you, then tell him you'll pick him up on the day and go with him.

Keep in mind, just because you suspect his girlfriend has "banned" him, you shouldn't use it as an opportunity to pester him to make his gf seem like a bad person, he'll have to realise that by himself.
Not that you are doing it atm, but if he unwilling to change his mind, you may say things in the heat of the moment.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by getfunky!

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to go with him, otherwise that would be a very good idea.

No, I certainly wouldn't try and "show" or tell him what a bad girlfriend she is. I know that he needs to discover this for himself, and telling people these things only serves to make them feel like they can't talk to you/trust you.

Reply 10

k9markiii

Original post by Anonymous

That's really bad. This sounds like a controlling relationship and as you mentioned certainly isn't healthy. Is the reason behind this a fear your friend will be promiscuous? They need to work out why there is a lack of trust and then either build it up again or get out of something that is so toxic. As you mentioned it is very important to meet your flatmates and get to know other people during freshers week.

Reply 11

Qari

Original post by Anonymous

I don't see why he needs to be confronted. He should be trusted by his girlfriend.

She is a year younger, so will be starting her last year of A Levels

I meant why don't you tell him that. His girlfriend shouls trust him. If she doesn't then call it off.

Reply 12

bumblebee342

I think that's stupid. It sounds like she's just controlling him. Is he willing to go along with it? There's also the fact that by saying this, it immediately makes it sound like you don't trust your partner and if this is the case maybe they shouldn't be in a relationship.
The thing is with some of these relationships, you'll have one that goes off to uni and the other person worrying that they'll find someone else or whatever (which I've seen happen, and eventually the person at uni just got sick of it).

Freshers is a one off and it's important, whether you're going out drinking or not, and it's not something someone should be "banned" from doing. I guess I'd just try and explain that to him...

If my boyfriend had told me he didn't want me going out in first year I would have told him it was tough :lol:

Reply 13

joker12345

Totally banning him from freshers, ie he can't even go to uni till it's over? Wow, that's extreme. She does realise he'll eventually go to uni and socialise, right?

Reply 14

bittr n swt

Lol if my gf banned me from freshers, I'll give her a slap.

Don't let him be denied one of the best weeks of his life. Tell him to dump her and do whatever he wants

Reply 15

doodle_333

how did you find out? I would just tell him that you know it's been said and you know it must be stressful for him deciding what to do right now

at the end of the day, if he doesn't do freshers he will resent his partner so much they will only break up anyway, if it was a strong relationship she wouldn't be 'banning' him from freshers, even if they make it through his first year I doubt she'll be so keen on a ban when it's her who has to miss out when she starts uni

freshers is important in terms of meeting people and even if he can meet them later they wont see him as reliable as whenever his girlfriend says he can't do something he stays in, and she is going to feel that she can say no to anything he fancies doing, drinking is a massive part of social life in uni and if she's not happy with freshers she wont be happy with any of the rest of it either...

seems a really stupid thing to do to be honest, I don't think anyone who cheats when drunk wouldn't cheat when sober in the right situation and he's still gonna be meeting new girls, living alone, no links to partner so she'll find out etc so there will still be many opportunities to cheat, if he's going to do it he'll do it anyway - all trying to control him will do is make him unhappy with her and more likely to cheat

Reply 16

Anonymous #2

Not to be rude, but it sounds like your friend has a psycho girlfriend who has some serious trust issues.

Reply 17

Welshvisitor

He’ll have flat mates who might pull him to his senses. He’ll get fed up with her bad behaviour in time, everyone does in the end!

Reply 18

Lettucetea

He really shouldn’t miss it, it’s definitely important to know the people you will be living with for a year... plus a lot of free stuff haha. Is thee any way he can sit down and talk to her about the types of events. Even tho it doesn't sound healthy, should be a good amount of trust in a relationship with these things. In my opinion I think he really needs to think if the relationship will work, with the amount of controlling, to take a step back and think good and proper.