Parents with Autism
I realise this is probably a very long shot, but is there anybody else at all that has experience of living with a parent with ASD? The majority of the advice and support available is targeted at parents with autistic children, and I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall because having an autistic parent is incredibly challenging and isolating and beyond a couple of webpages the support available is pretty thin. I've never met anybody else in a similar position and I have no idea if I'll find any on TSR, but I thought it was worth a try at least.
Original post by Cinnie
Yes my Dad (and brother) have high functioning autism. It's so *fing difficult at times 
Yay, I'm not alone!
My dad's just started the diagnosis process, and the first test he took was off the scale for pretty much every criterion. Having it on paper won't make it any easier to live with him, but I'm hoping being able to put a name to it may act as a bit of a shortcut - I'm exhausted with trying to explain away his behaviour to other people, so anything that'll give even a rough idea as to what we live with would be a relief.I just wish he'd acknowledged there was something wrong with him sooner - he's pretty much destroyed his relationship with me and I haven't called him Dad since I was 10 because as far as I'm concerned, he's no parent to me at all. In fact he's like my child, as I've always had to look after him and put his needs first. It's like caring for a toddler, because his behaviour in public and towards me is frequently hurtful and completely unacceptable, but no matter how much I try to explain to him in the simplest English why he shouldn't behave like that, he just cannot understand because he's incapable of reading and relating to other people's emotions and intentions.
Sorry for the rant
It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone, because nobody I know understands what I'm talking about and it's incredibly lonely!Original post by LeJennifleur
Yay, I'm not alone! My dad's just started the diagnosis process, and the first test he took was off the scale for pretty much every criterion. Having it on paper won't make it any easier to live with him, but I'm hoping being able to put a name to it may act as a bit of a shortcut - I'm exhausted with trying to explain away his behaviour to other people, so anything that'll give even a rough idea as to what we live with would be a relief.
I just wish he'd acknowledged there was something wrong with him sooner - he's pretty much destroyed his relationship with me and I haven't called him Dad since I was 10 because as far as I'm concerned, he's no parent to me at all. In fact he's like my child, as I've always had to look after him and put his needs first. It's like caring for a toddler, because his behaviour in public and towards me is frequently hurtful and completely unacceptable, but no matter how much I try to explain to him in the simplest English why he shouldn't behave like that, he just cannot understand because he's incapable of reading and relating to other people's emotions and intentions.
Sorry for the rant It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone, because nobody I know understands what I'm talking about and it's incredibly lonely!
My dad's just started the diagnosis process, and the first test he took was off the scale for pretty much every criterion. Having it on paper won't make it any easier to live with him, but I'm hoping being able to put a name to it may act as a bit of a shortcut - I'm exhausted with trying to explain away his behaviour to other people, so anything that'll give even a rough idea as to what we live with would be a relief.I just wish he'd acknowledged there was something wrong with him sooner - he's pretty much destroyed his relationship with me and I haven't called him Dad since I was 10 because as far as I'm concerned, he's no parent to me at all. In fact he's like my child, as I've always had to look after him and put his needs first. It's like caring for a toddler, because his behaviour in public and towards me is frequently hurtful and completely unacceptable, but no matter how much I try to explain to him in the simplest English why he shouldn't behave like that, he just cannot understand because he's incapable of reading and relating to other people's emotions and intentions.
Sorry for the rant
It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone, because nobody I know understands what I'm talking about and it's incredibly lonely!It sounds like your dad is on a similar level to my brother. My dad is selfish but you wouldn't be able to tell he has a disability until you got to know him or he is under stress - he can put on an act.
It's so difficult because you (we) are not obligated to take on a role of responsibility. It is not our fault or our duty... But it just becomes such a burden. Remember that you are allowed to move out and build a life of your own. Remember that whatever he says or does is not personal to you - it is the way his brain is built. It's easy to hold onto resentment about all the times he has ruined but then you are only hurting yourself. You are a person with many more tools and social skills than your dad and think of that as a positive. You are able to step out of his world. He can't.
Stay strong Hun xxx I know how hard it is and how brave it makes you xxx
Original post by LeJennifleur
Yay, I'm not alone! My dad's just started the diagnosis process, and the first test he took was off the scale for pretty much every criterion. Having it on paper won't make it any easier to live with him, but I'm hoping being able to put a name to it may act as a bit of a shortcut - I'm exhausted with trying to explain away his behaviour to other people, so anything that'll give even a rough idea as to what we live with would be a relief.
I just wish he'd acknowledged there was something wrong with him sooner - he's pretty much destroyed his relationship with me and I haven't called him Dad since I was 10 because as far as I'm concerned, he's no parent to me at all. In fact he's like my child, as I've always had to look after him and put his needs first. It's like caring for a toddler, because his behaviour in public and towards me is frequently hurtful and completely unacceptable, but no matter how much I try to explain to him in the simplest English why he shouldn't behave like that, he just cannot understand because he's incapable of reading and relating to other people's emotions and intentions.
Sorry for the rant It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone, because nobody I know understands what I'm talking about and it's incredibly lonely!
My dad's just started the diagnosis process, and the first test he took was off the scale for pretty much every criterion. Having it on paper won't make it any easier to live with him, but I'm hoping being able to put a name to it may act as a bit of a shortcut - I'm exhausted with trying to explain away his behaviour to other people, so anything that'll give even a rough idea as to what we live with would be a relief.I just wish he'd acknowledged there was something wrong with him sooner - he's pretty much destroyed his relationship with me and I haven't called him Dad since I was 10 because as far as I'm concerned, he's no parent to me at all. In fact he's like my child, as I've always had to look after him and put his needs first. It's like caring for a toddler, because his behaviour in public and towards me is frequently hurtful and completely unacceptable, but no matter how much I try to explain to him in the simplest English why he shouldn't behave like that, he just cannot understand because he's incapable of reading and relating to other people's emotions and intentions.
Sorry for the rant
It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone, because nobody I know understands what I'm talking about and it's incredibly lonely!Me, I have tons of things wrong with me.
Mum
Two brothers
Dad has adhd
I go to an autistic college so half the people i'm with daily are.
And yeah hi, i'm a problem child XD nah other people are the problem...
Have you had any form of counselling to try and understand your dad's behaviour?
Your problem, along with understanding his behaviour, would be trying yo explain why his behaviour isn't unacceptable. And it's no good just saying his behaviour isn't ok - you have to explain why.
I wonder if whoever is doing your dad's assessment can give you advice on where to get support and possibly put you in contact with people in the same situation.
Your problem, along with understanding his behaviour, would be trying yo explain why his behaviour isn't unacceptable. And it's no good just saying his behaviour isn't ok - you have to explain why.
I wonder if whoever is doing your dad's assessment can give you advice on where to get support and possibly put you in contact with people in the same situation.
Original post by Cinnie
It sounds like your dad is on a similar level to my brother. My dad is selfish but you wouldn't be able to tell he has a disability until you got to know him or he is under stress - he can put on an act.
It's so difficult because you (we) are not obligated to take on a role of responsibility. It is not our fault or our duty... But it just becomes such a burden. Remember that you are allowed to move out and build a life of your own. Remember that whatever he says or does is not personal to you - it is the way his brain is built. It's easy to hold onto resentment about all the times he has ruined but then you are only hurting yourself. You are a person with many more tools and social skills than your dad and think of that as a positive. You are able to step out of his world. He can't.
Stay strong Hun xxx I know how hard it is and how brave it makes you xxx
It's so difficult because you (we) are not obligated to take on a role of responsibility. It is not our fault or our duty... But it just becomes such a burden. Remember that you are allowed to move out and build a life of your own. Remember that whatever he says or does is not personal to you - it is the way his brain is built. It's easy to hold onto resentment about all the times he has ruined but then you are only hurting yourself. You are a person with many more tools and social skills than your dad and think of that as a positive. You are able to step out of his world. He can't.
Stay strong Hun xxx I know how hard it is and how brave it makes you xxx
Thank you so much - you've described my problem perfectly. I almost think I'd prefer it if he was just an intentionally malicious person, because at least then I'd find it easier to justify the resentment I feel towards him. Instead, I'm constantly so angry at him for the burden he places on me/the family life he's ruined/all the sacrifices I've had to make for him, but feel guilty for feeling that because after all, he can't help the way he is and I KNOW he's not a nasty person.
Original post by OU Student
Have you had any form of counselling to try and understand your dad's behaviour?
Your problem, along with understanding his behaviour, would be trying yo explain why his behaviour isn't unacceptable. And it's no good just saying his behaviour isn't ok - you have to explain why.
I wonder if whoever is doing your dad's assessment can give you advice on where to get support and possibly put you in contact with people in the same situation.
Your problem, along with understanding his behaviour, would be trying yo explain why his behaviour isn't unacceptable. And it's no good just saying his behaviour isn't ok - you have to explain why.
I wonder if whoever is doing your dad's assessment can give you advice on where to get support and possibly put you in contact with people in the same situation.
Currently the only person I have who understands my position perfectly is my mum, because we share the burden of caring for him between us. I also have a 14-year-old brother who is becoming increasingly aware of his father's limitations at an age where he's really beginning to need a strong male role model, and it's heartbreaking for me to see that.
I've combed the Internet looking for advice and support, but there's really very little. There are an awful lot of resources for parents with autistic children - and rightly so - but very little recognition of the fact that many people with ASD do go on to have families of their own and that this can (I emphasise sometimes, not always) have some pretty dire consequences. The few webpages I have found seem to be aimed at younger children and focus on explaining why Mum/Dad doesn't always behave like a typical parent; that isn't of much use to me because I've had a lifetime to become acutely aware of my father's differences and how best to minimise meltdowns associated with a change in routine, for example. I know him better than anyone, and I'm an expert in caring for him. When his behaviour has been unacceptable (I try to be understanding in general, but there are times when he's become very aggressive towards me and I have to speak to him about it), I make a point of explaining to him WHY he shouldn't behave like that, how it affects others, and what he should try to do differently. He normally just seems utterly bewildered, because ultimately no mater how simply I put it, he can't actually empathise with what I'm saying and he tends to repeat his actions again very quickly because he never really understood what I said in the first place!
Mental health assessments are notoriously sluggish, so I can't see the assessment being completed in full for quite a few months. When he is referred on to a specialist I think I will ask for any potential contacts - I really don't know anybody else in a similar position and I think the isolation makes it a lot worse than it needs to be.
