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Dealing with a depressed friend

My best friend has been struggling with depression for the past few years and. We're at different unis, but are more or less in contact 24/7 because she doesn't have any other friends to talk to, or has pushed most of them away. I haven't had the best year, having had relationship and uni issues of my own, and although I want to help, my friend expects me to put my life on hold for her and I can't really cope any more.

I've always had the feeling she was glad when my ex and I broke up because it meant she would have my undivided attention again, and true enough, she seized the opportunity to start spilling her problems with double the frequency almost immediately. She used to rant about how needy and demanding my ex was, but I don't know if it's just because that eclipsed her own needs... I've had some trouble with my studies this year but to her, I'm doing an 'easier' course and am at a less prestigious uni so it 'can't be as hard as what [she] has to deal with,' etc. She seems to enjoy putting others down so she feels better, and I don't know if it's my paranoia speaking but it feels as if she wants me to be just as miserable as her so I'll stay with her forever, too.

I am trying to be patient, and I am trying to be kind, but I'm just tired. I know this isn't something to take lightly, and I know she acts the way she does because she has a lot to deal with and I've seen firsthand what depression can do to a person. I know how it sucks you in, and I know how difficult it is to even get by on a daily basis while battling something like this. I know I can't just walk away because she really has nobody else (she's on bad terms with her family, too) - maybe it's burnout, but I'm starting to see her less as a friend and more as an obligation. When my phone buzzes with another message from her, all I feel is dread... I don't want to lose this friendship, and I know she really needs me to be there for her. But is it too late?

I really wish she would make more friends, and I wish there was something I could do to help. It doesn't seem like I'm actually doing very much to help her at all, and even I've started to lose hope that she'll ever get better. Maybe I'm a terrible friend, but I'm all out of ideas.

I'm going into my final year at uni and I'm trying to think about how I can balance her needs and my own. What would you do - how would you help a friend in this situation while trying to save the friendship?
Just tell your friend to grow up. Depression is not real and merely an excuse for being down.
Reply 2
Avatar for SMEGGGY
SMEGGGY
21
Sit her down and have a heart to heart.

Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Anonymous
My best friend has been struggling with depression for the past few years and. We're at different unis, but are more or less in contact 24/7 because she doesn't have any other friends to talk to, or has pushed most of them away. I haven't had the best year, having had relationship and uni issues of my own, and although I want to help, my friend expects me to put my life on hold for her and I can't really cope any more.

I've always had the feeling she was glad when my ex and I broke up because it meant she would have my undivided attention again, and true enough, she seized the opportunity to start spilling her problems with double the frequency almost immediately. She used to rant about how needy and demanding my ex was, but I don't know if it's just because that eclipsed her own needs... I've had some trouble with my studies this year but to her, I'm doing an 'easier' course and am at a less prestigious uni so it 'can't be as hard as what [she] has to deal with,' etc. She seems to enjoy putting others down so she feels better, and I don't know if it's my paranoia speaking but it feels as if she wants me to be just as miserable as her so I'll stay with her forever, too.

I am trying to be patient, and I am trying to be kind, but I'm just tired. I know this isn't something to take lightly, and I know she acts the way she does because she has a lot to deal with and I've seen firsthand what depression can do to a person. I know how it sucks you in, and I know how difficult it is to even get by on a daily basis while battling something like this. I know I can't just walk away because she really has nobody else (she's on bad terms with her family, too) - maybe it's burnout, but I'm starting to see her less as a friend and more as an obligation. When my phone buzzes with another message from her, all I feel is dread... I don't want to lose this friendship, and I know she really needs me to be there for her. But is it too late?

I really wish she would make more friends, and I wish there was something I could do to help. It doesn't seem like I'm actually doing very much to help her at all, and even I've started to lose hope that she'll ever get better. Maybe I'm a terrible friend, but I'm all out of ideas.

I'm going into my final year at uni and I'm trying to think about how I can balance her needs and my own. What would you do - how would you help a friend in this situation while trying to save the friendship?


Hey, I feel your pain. My gf suffers from depression (at times, as well as anxiety), and I have in the past been in a pretty dark place. Where my gf and I differ is that I *genuinely* believe in a Positive Mental Attitude. But of course this is easy to say when you're in a good place. I understand how unbelievably draining it is, in so many ways. You feel bad for them, and then you feel bad for being annoyed and feeling selfish! There have been many times when I've wanted to shake my gf and say "you know what, there are people with ****ing nothing on this planet!!"

It's a tricky one, because you have to look out for yourself. You should try and create more of a routine for your friend: tell her you will talk with each other at a set time. This might not work with your friend but with my gf I made her tell me 3 things she was grateful for every evening after work for a period of time. It sounds a bit silly or trivial, but it gets her thinking about not only the positives but it puts things in perspective as well! Make her be specific! And keep doing it; she'll realise that you won't succumb to her gripes. But don't do it in a therapist way if she thinks it'll be stupid, just be like, "come on I wanna know what you enjoyed doing today. What made you really laugh or smile. 3 things?" Or, if she's really bad, just "tell me what went alright for you today, better than you thought it would".

I agree with the above comment about a heart to heart. At the moment it's festering and your friendship won't last, because soon you will just become numb to her "moaning". Tell her straight that you care so much about your friendship, but you *can't* be the sole person she turns to/ relies on.

I strongly advise you tell her to see someone (therapist) as they will give her exercises and help her deal with what she's going through.

Good luck to you. I'm always here if you want to talk.

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