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Fresher's week and I'm feeling kind of lonely/isolated

So basically, I got to uni about 3 days ago and met my flatmates. They generally seem like pretty OK people but I wouldn't say I really get on with them like I do some of my best friends - we don't really share any common interests. Also, generally speaking, people seem to have already formed groups already, whether that's with people they know from school or just their flatmates. I mean, I know one person from school who's going to my uni, but I don't really have contact with them. The problem's not that I'm anti-social; I've been chatting to quite a few people. I've also gone out clubbing with one of my flatmates but I ended up on my own, getting drunk by myself in a crowded club where people are out with their mates. I just feel like a bit of a loner with nobody to go out clubbing) with and with virtually no friends. In a few days I've got the fresher's fayre, so I guess societies etc.will provide opportunities to meet people. Does anybody feel/has anyone felt the same way? Can you give any advice to someone in my situation?

Thanks

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Reply 1
Original post by JFens
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Fresher's week has the potential to do that. There are so many people and it's all a bit... artificial almost, because everyone is forced together and making an effort and it's difficult to identify the people you really would get on with. I ended up in a flat with two people who went to the same school, and they didn't know each other very well initially, but yeah that sort of thing does make you feel a bit on the outside sometimes.

Go to the societies and sports events and try and hunt out something new to do. As things settle down (i.e. post freshers) you'll probably meet a couple of people on your course, or in a sports team or a society if you get involved. My best friends have been a couple of girls I met in my tutorial group and then someone I just met really randomly in a lecture. I used to just get to lectures a few minutes early and sit by someone, and start a conversation. If it was awkward then the lecture started within a few minutes anyway, and if it was good then you've broken the ice with someone, and then when you see them again the recognition is there (other lectures, nights out etc.). If your course has a society it might be good to go on their events, as being in the same department offers a common area even if you're quite different. It's hard to know when the best of friends will pop up, so you just gotta try everything I think.
Reply 2
Unfortunately I can't really help you since I'm not leaving for uni until Saturday. I've never been worried until now about making friends since I have never had problems before, but like you say you're struggling and you're a normal, social guy and not an anti-social weirdo like most people who make these threads (no offense to those people).

Did you not have a flat party for predrinks before going out? That's surely your biggest opportunity to make friends and surely hit it off with a couple of people? Other than that I guess societies has to be the next best opportunity, like you suggested.
I made a thread about how my flatmates are crap recently. Speak to other people, either knock on their door or speak to the people smoking outside. I get on really well with the folk living in the flat below mine now, I originally just started chatting to them while they were outside having a fag.
Reply 4
Original post by VladThe1mpaler
I made a thread about how my flatmates are crap recently. Speak to other people, either knock on their door or speak to the people smoking outside. I get on really well with the folk living in the flat below mine now, I originally just started chatting to them while they were outside having a fag.

Wouldn't it be weird to just go round knocking on doors? I don't know if I have that much confidence.
Original post by JFens
Wouldn't it be weird to just go round knocking on doors? I don't know if I have that much confidence.


Usually it would be but not in freshers week.

Just go up, tell them that none of your flatmates really drink much/go out much and ask if they want to go for a drink or if they want to come up to your flat for some drinks.

It does take a lot of confidence. If you want to make friends with others then you just have to push yourself to do it.
Reply 6
Original post by Nymthae
Fresher's week has the potential to do that. There are so many people and it's all a bit... artificial almost, because everyone is forced together and making an effort and it's difficult to identify the people you really would get on with. I ended up in a flat with two people who went to the same school, and they didn't know each other very well initially, but yeah that sort of thing does make you feel a bit on the outside sometimes.

Go to the societies and sports events and try and hunt out something new to do. As things settle down (i.e. post freshers) you'll probably meet a couple of people on your course, or in a sports team or a society if you get involved. My best friends have been a couple of girls I met in my tutorial group and then someone I just met really randomly in a lecture. I used to just get to lectures a few minutes early and sit by someone, and start a conversation. If it was awkward then the lecture started within a few minutes anyway, and if it was good then you've broken the ice with someone, and then when you see them again the recognition is there (other lectures, nights out etc.). If your course has a society it might be good to go on their events, as being in the same department offers a common area even if you're quite different. It's hard to know when the best of friends will pop up, so you just gotta try everything I think.


This is good advice, thanks. I might just turn up to my first proper lecture a couple of minutes early.
Reply 7
Groups are never solid till maybe 2/3 of the way through the year. I only met my good friends in maybe February. Just keep swimming :3
Original post by JFens
So basically, I got to uni about 3 days ago and met my flatmates. They generally seem like pretty OK people but I wouldn't say I really get on with them like I do some of my best friends - we don't really share any common interests. Also, generally speaking, people seem to have already formed groups already, whether that's with people they know from school or just their flatmates. I mean, I know one person from school who's going to my uni, but I don't really have contact with them. The problem's not that I'm anti-social; I've been chatting to quite a few people. I've also gone out clubbing with one of my flatmates but I ended up on my own, getting drunk by myself in a crowded club where people are out with their mates. I just feel like a bit of a loner with nobody to go out clubbing) with and with virtually no friends. In a few days I've got the fresher's fayre, so I guess societies etc.will provide opportunities to meet people. Does anybody feel/has anyone felt the same way? Can you give any advice to someone in my situation?

Thanks


As you say, fresher's fair and the kick-off of the sports societies is the second opportunity for making friends, followed by making friends with coursemates :smile:

My advice would be to hang out with your flatmates as much as possible, spend no time on your PC even if you'd prefer it. Just avoid becoming "that flatmate" who no-one barely ever sees - connect with them as a person!
When it comes to the fair, go as a flat, go round all the stalls together and look at what's on offer, if you can do a sport WITH a flatmate then suddenly you've got something in common that you can build on.

Worst case scenario you sever ties with your flat to a certain degree, and spend a lot of time at other people's flats who you've met through societies or your course, and bring them over to yours occasionally. There's nothing wrong with it, I estimate around 20% of freshers end up building their strongest social bonds outside of their kitchen group because those are formed on common interest, not happenstance created by some random accommodation officer!


I speak from experience, I was thrown into a real arse-crack of a kitchen group, there was me, a friend from secondary school, and another guy I got on with. Then there was a mentally disabled chinese guy, an iranian who always smoked shisha and who we saw 6 times in the whole year (NOT an exaggeration), 3 postgrad chinese students who locked themselves in their rooms forever, and two massive binge-drinker 'lads'. So the three of us just decamped and hung out with the neighbouring kitchen, and had a great time! But out of all of them, I'm only in regular contact with my friend from secondary school, none of the others particularly stuck compared to my course friends :lol:
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 9
Check facebook page and see where pre drinks are, met some guy yesterday at a pre drinks and went clubbing with him and shopping today with him probably out with him tonight with a few others
Reply 10
Original post by Architecture-er
As you say, fresher's fair and the kick-off of the sports societies is the second opportunity for making friends, followed by making friends with coursemates :smile:

My advice would be to hang out with your flatmates as much as possible, spend no time on your PC even if you'd prefer it. Just avoid becoming "that flatmate" who no-one barely ever sees - connect with them as a person!
When it comes to the fair, go as a flat, go round all the stalls together and look at what's on offer, if you can do a sport WITH a flatmate then suddenly you've got something in common that you can build on.

Worst case scenario you sever ties with your flat to a certain degree, and spend a lot of time at other people's flats who you've met through societies or your course, and bring them over to yours occasionally. There's nothing wrong with it, I estimate around 20% of freshers end up building their strongest social bonds outside of their kitchen group because those are formed on common interest, not happenstance created by some random accommodation officer!

The thing is that even my flatmates have their friendship groups, people they've met or old friends. There is one flatmate I kind of know but he's a bit boring. I'll defo suggest going to the fresher's fayre as a flat though.
Thanks
Original post by JFens
The thing is that even my flatmates have their friendship groups, people they've met or old friends. There is one flatmate I kind of know but he's a bit boring. I'll defo suggest going to the fresher's fayre as a flat though.
Thanks


Nothing wrong with asking to do things with their group of friends though! If you're intimidated by the whole group of them you could always strike up conversation with one of them, and ask if you could be included. Assuming they like you it wouldn't be a problem, and if they don't then.. you don't want to be wasting time with them when you can build stronger friendships elsewhere!

The trick is to just be seen to be getting involved with things, doesn't have to be with these guys. So long as they know you're not just a closeted oddball hiding in his room they'll be plenty friendly to you, even if you don't hang out :smile:

It's cliche, but there is literally no way you can go through university without finding people with similar interests, there's just too many people and too many ways of meeting them :biggrin:
Reply 12
BTW, is it weird to just go clubbing on your own? I am considering doing this tonight. 3 of my flatmates have hangovers and so won't go. The other is just not into clubbing. Should I just go on my own and get chatting at the club?
Reply 13
Original post by Architecture-er


The trick is to just be seen to be getting involved with things, doesn't have to be with these guys. So long as they know you're not just a closeted oddball hiding in his room they'll be plenty friendly to you, even if you don't hang out :smile:

With this in mind, what do you think of just like going clubbing alone?
Original post by JFens
So basically, I got to uni about 3 days ago and met my flatmates. They generally seem like pretty OK people but I wouldn't say I really get on with them like I do some of my best friends - we don't really share any common interests. Also, generally speaking, people seem to have already formed groups already, whether that's with people they know from school or just their flatmates. I mean, I know one person from school who's going to my uni, but I don't really have contact with them. The problem's not that I'm anti-social; I've been chatting to quite a few people. I've also gone out clubbing with one of my flatmates but I ended up on my own, getting drunk by myself in a crowded club where people are out with their mates. I just feel like a bit of a loner with nobody to go out clubbing) with and with virtually no friends. In a few days I've got the fresher's fayre, so I guess societies etc.will provide opportunities to meet people. Does anybody feel/has anyone felt the same way? Can you give any advice to someone in my situation?

Thanks

My first two days (got to uni on the 11th) were spent alone because my flatmates were all Chinese and anti-social but I kept myself busy with sorting my room and getting my bearings. Third day I got talking to this girl on the accommodation fb page and spent the night with her and her flatmates. Fourth day the only other non-international in my flat turned up and we get along pretty well which is good but we're not like best friends, just company to each other so we do some stuff together. I also met some of my course-people and I have no idea if we'll stay friends or anything because sure, we got along, but it wasn't an instant 'hit' or anything.

I was really worried about being lonely when I got here but I guess everyone reacts differently, I don't know how I've avoided feeling lonely but maybe it's just that I've kept myself busy and not expected any instant friendships? I was at this comedy thing last night and one of the comedians started off joking (with a serious undertone) about how everyone there would be with different friends within a month or so because we'd all just been chucked together and the likelihood of 'clicking' well with people in that setting (with all the stress of moving in and settling and starting everything) was really low.

As for people having already formed groups, I get that it looks that way (and some probably have) but don't stop yourself from introducing yourself to a whole group because of it. Start talking to people when you're buying a drink or something and if they seem alright, walk back with them to their group (as long as it's not weird) and meet the rest. I've done this a couple nights and been invited to go with them wherever they were headed. I've not gone every time but it's nice to meet them anyway so there are familiar faces that I can go and talk to if I see them another time. Another thing I've had happen is recognsing someone in an unfamiliar group and heading over to say hey to that one person then they usually introduce you to the rest or you can just do it yourself anyway.

Yeah, some people definitely meet their best friends instantly but I'm pretty sure it's a minority. I know feeling lonely sucks (I've been in that situation before which is why I was expecting it at uni) and it can put you in a pretty dark place but try to keep your mind busy, text your friends at home for some interaction (without letting it pull you away from your uni-life) and get yourself sorted with knowing where you are and where all your 'real' uni stuff is happening like lectures etc. so you don't panic when they start and maybe you can help other people. Check for your official fb pages for your accommodation and course then see if people are organising open things you can join or maybe suggest something yourself (the pages I'm on are full of people having flat parties, pre-drinks, video gaming, wandering the city, looking for people who are going to the same event etc.)

Hope this helps? x
Reply 15
think of it like a job. your a customer service person and you HAVE to speak to people even if it's only about the weather. look for someone even in a shop and look for people who look like they're on their own and go chat. DON'T THINK OF IT LIKE SCHOOL where people will make fun of you if you say something stupid, that could be the ice breaker in uni!
Original post by JFens
With this in mind, what do you think of just like going clubbing alone?


Wouldn't recommend, especially as I hate clubbing!

There will be plenty of opportunities to go out with your sports societies on socials, I'd do that instead of blowing all your money so you can stand around and feel awkward :lol:

edit: ah I see you meant for tonight, well let us know how it was! Bath's clubs are entirely student-filled, so everyone is in pre-organised groups - but I imagine some towns have more of a free-flowing atmosphere
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by JFens
So basically, I got to uni about 3 days ago and met my flatmates. They generally seem like pretty OK people but I wouldn't say I really get on with them like I do some of my best friends - we don't really share any common interests. Also, generally speaking, people seem to have already formed groups already, whether that's with people they know from school or just their flatmates. I mean, I know one person from school who's going to my uni, but I don't really have contact with them. The problem's not that I'm anti-social; I've been chatting to quite a few people. I've also gone out clubbing with one of my flatmates but I ended up on my own, getting drunk by myself in a crowded club where people are out with their mates. I just feel like a bit of a loner with nobody to go out clubbing) with and with virtually no friends. In a few days I've got the fresher's fayre, so I guess societies etc.will provide opportunities to meet people. Does anybody feel/has anyone felt the same way? Can you give any advice to someone in my situation?

Thanks

You know, I was in a very similar position to you last year. In my flat there were 5 people including myself, with two internationals we never really saw so in essence it was just me and two other people. They were nice and all, but I never really felt 'close' to them like you described. And what was more depressing was the fact that people weren't just getting along with their flatmates, but they were also getting along with their floor/other flats. I sorta had no one (since the other two flats on our floor shut us off). But luckily I was already speaking to some people from the freshers group on facebook so I met up with them. I still remember spending one or two days of freshers being utterly depressed because of that.

Trust me, it gets better. So much better. Throughout the year you'll meet so many people through societies, lectures, labs (if you have them!), workshops, mutual friends, events, etc etc. As long as you try you will meet people. I didn't find my own 'group' until near-ish the end of the first term. Until that time I felt lonely, as I felt like I didn't really belong anywhere. Everyone else had their own group of friends and i didn't. I even seriously contemplated dropping out because I was also doing incredibly bad academically. But I stuck with it and continued making an effort talking to people and it finally worked. Now, I have loads of people to hang around with. Most of them I didn't even meet during freshers!

Freshers isn't the be all and end all. Some people start off on the wrong foot but that doesn't stop them from having the time of their life during the rest of the year. I know I had a great first year, despite having a generally crap time at freshers. Don't let it get to you that you haven't met a lot of people yet - Uni is such a big place that you are always meeting new people left and right, regardless of how far you are into your uni education, provided you put in the effort. :smile:
Original post by JFens
So basically, I got to uni about 3 days ago and met my flatmates. They generally seem like pretty OK people but I wouldn't say I really get on with them like I do some of my best friends - we don't really share any common interests. Also, generally speaking, people seem to have already formed groups already, whether that's with people they know from school or just their flatmates. I mean, I know one person from school who's going to my uni, but I don't really have contact with them. The problem's not that I'm anti-social; I've been chatting to quite a few people. I've also gone out clubbing with one of my flatmates but I ended up on my own, getting drunk by myself in a crowded club where people are out with their mates. I just feel like a bit of a loner with nobody to go out clubbing) with and with virtually no friends. In a few days I've got the fresher's fayre, so I guess societies etc.will provide opportunities to meet people. Does anybody feel/has anyone felt the same way? Can you give any advice to someone in my situation?

Thanks


Hey, I can admit that I was nervous in freshers week with everything changing and you not knowing people, and as an introvert it's hard to get yourself to talk to new people. Remember that you are only a couple of days into university and haven't been to lectures for your course yet. You may find people here that you get on with really well, and if you do you could always ask them if they want to go for a drink after, and if they have a group of friends ask them too :smile: i know its a big step but it would be worth it honest.

With the societies and sports fair i would make an effort to go, even if you sign up for a few things then only go for the freshers taster session then there is still that change that you find someone you have a lot in common with; there are alot of people at uni and societies and sports means you get to meet people in the years above you who are great to have as they can give you damn good advice and may give you pointers of where to go etc :smile:

I would say join the society of your course and go to the socials. I was lucky in the sense that I met the people i am close to in the first few days, but I was still meeting people in my accommodation and on my course well into the 2nd semester. The socials you go on would be with the people on your course, again with people in your year, and the years above yours. It's one of them if you try it once and don't like it then don't do it again types of things.

Another thing is if you are struggling in lectures to find people after freshers week then when you go into a lecture sit next to someone random and introduce yourself, and if they have got a group of friends introduce yourself to them as well; you never know :smile: and if that doesn't work then try again with a different person. No one is going to bite at all and I found 99.9% of people are willing to talk to you and try and make an effort to get to know you :smile:

enjoy yourself and good luck with your course
Everyone's in the same boat at freshers. I'm sure you've read a lot of this stuff online but:

-Bring a bag of sweets or something with you so you can offer someone one waiting outside a lecture or a welcome talk or to gets your halls room key
- Wedge your door open (I've bought a little splat that's v cute)
- Even if you're not best friends with your flatmates - that makes sense! You've not been put together because you have similar interests or even because you are doing the same course - just because you had similar accommodation budgets!
- You'll probably have the most in common with your coursemates and anyone you join societies with! So don't panic yet!
- Finally, there's a reason there's so much drinking in freshers week! It gives everyone more confidence and you'll be much more relaxed and have fun with your flatmates if you go out together!

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