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English Language GSCE

i'm doing my english language course work and am writing a descriptive piece about and abandoned funfair and I'm aiming for A/A* grade. If you could read and give me some advise and feedback.


What was once a child's idea of heaven now stands abandoned, cast aside for years until there lies nothing but rubble. Yet here it remains, as if waiting for a new inhabitant. As time flies by, all hope fades further into the distance. Smelling just the sour stench of rotting wood would be enough to deter any interest of resurrecting the tired fairground rides and decaying stalls.

Blanketing the deserted field, a freezing mist swirls hauntingly as the sun creeps behind the horizon, too embarrassed to cast its beautiful rays over this hellish place. Residual energy seems to manifest into ghostly the ghostly echoes of laughter and gleeful cries. Washing a strong, unsettling feeling as it drifts along with the mist. The perfect setting for a horror movie - shadows lurking in every corner watching, waiting.

The cracked porcelein face of a once much loved doll lies as a scattered trail from it's warn, weathered body. A muddy footprint scars the torn pastel pink dress hitched up above her thighs. Innocence destroyed. lying sprawled out amongst the forest of overgrown dying grass. Carelessly dropped in a moment of chaos with no time to turn back and rescue her. Instead she's left to brave the stamped of the crowd; Alone. Her sky blue eyes dull and sorrowful, crying out for help. Waiting, hoping to be saved from this barren hell.

- thats all i've got so far :biggrin:
Reply 1
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Mariee16
3
That's a great start. You used lots of techniques :smile: Try to incorporate the rest of the senses.
Reply 2
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alice64255
OP
Original post by Mariee16
That's a great start. You used lots of techniques :smile: Try to incorporate the rest of the senses.



Thankyou :smile: im not sure how to add all the senses without going into more of a narrative

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