The Student Room Group

Can you be just friends with a girl you have feelings for? (updated)

As the title says.. is it possible? Surely theres gotta be a way..

cliffs:
Met a girl at uni
Told me straight away she had a BF (LDR 5+yrs)
I (believing thats cool we can be friends) act cool and became close friends with her
A few months in, I develop more feelings for her
I indirectly tell her, she says sorry but she has a bf, she happy, i shouldn't be selfish
Few weeks later things went back to normal and I didn't mention my feeling again
3 months on, we talk a lot via Whatsapp,Facebook,etc
She says I am like her best friend.

Now I have pretty much given up on the fact that we will ever date.
But we get on really well together so I don't wanna lose the friendship
So, how do I go about this?

The feelings are still there, but I think I can handle it
I'll see her in uni next month.

I've made a lot of mistakes with this girl, which I realise now, but obv won't make same mistakes with any other girl (the obvious one being I got too close to her even though I knew she had a bf)

Also, she will come to see me during the holidays. I asked her last week, and she said Friday is good.
Then the next day, she said that it's raining so she doesn't want to come. I said ok no problem.

Then 3-4 days later, the weather was good and I asked if she could come now. She said she is lazy and doesn't want to go out yet. I again (disappointed) said ok no worries.
So the week after, I asked her when she is gonna come and see me?

She said "lool why.. do u miss me? haha"

I said yeah of course i miss my friend. I thought you might be missing me too?

Then she says Yh of course I miss you too. I will come don't worry. Be patient. Lool.

To be honest, I am kind of angry and annoyed. She promised me back in July that she would come and see me before we go back to uni in October, and now uni is just a few weeks away and she still hasn't come and it just seems to me like she keeps making up excuses.

ANYWAY, then I asked her this week and she said we can meet up on wednesday. All was set. Then at night, she said oh I can't go because my brother is home and I will go shopping, so can we do thursday?

I said yeah ok. Thursday is fine. And today I said I'll see you tomorrow and she just start making and excuses and then said I don't feel like going.

I GIVE UP. I AM LIVID WITH THIS GIRL. HER PROMISES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

So now, I want to know how to proceed? I haven't gave her a piece of my mind yet.. should I? Or should I just stay quiet and just distance myself from her and stop helping her/initiating convo with her etc..

Please help :/

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In most cases people find it too difficult, I've had feelings for friends in the past and I personally found it not too difficult to ignore the feelings and move on when it was clear nothing would come of them but I know many others have found it too hard. You will probably find it too hard judging by all of your threads.

Edit: also as for all the let downs of her not coming to see you, we are all guilty of it at some time or another. And although annoying she has every right to not want to come see you or to have to cancel. This friendship is clearly just causing you anger, end it.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 2
We had a really large thread about this recently. I think the conclusion was.. you can but it is best not to.

Reading through your story. I think you just need to give her space. Make the most of time you chat or spend together but don't compromise her happyness. :smile:
Reply 3
Original post by SophieSmall
In most cases people find it too difficult, I've had feelings for friends in the past and I personally found it not too difficult to ignore the feelings and move on when it was clear nothing would come of them but I know many others have found it too hard. You will probably find it too hard judging by all of your threads.

Edit: also as for all the let downs of her not coming to see you, we are all guilty of it at some time or another. And although annoying she has every right to not want to come see you or to have to cancel. This friendship is clearly just causing you anger, end it.


But surely you can't defend her actions here.. She has flaked on me 5 times or so now? I give up. I am annoyed and rather let down. She promised me twice as well.

Definitely very angry right now, not sure how to proceed..

I will see her in uni in about 2 weeks..
Reply 4
Original post by 8472
We had a really large thread about this recently. I think the conclusion was.. you can but it is best not to.

Reading through your story. I think you just need to give her space. Make the most of time you chat or spend together but don't compromise her happyness. :smile:


Sorry I know I made another thread.

She has flaked on me 5 times. That's not right. And it has really upset me. But I haven't reacted. So I don't know how to react now or when I see her in uni in a few weeks..

All I know is.. I can't continue like this.. I care too much about her and it has brought me nothing but hurt.. and she clearly doesn't care about me based on her actions..

What do I do? :/
Reply 5
Original post by mindbodylife
Sorry I know I made another thread.

She has flaked on me 5 times. That's not right. And it has really upset me. But I haven't reacted. So I don't know how to react now or when I see her in uni in a few weeks..

All I know is.. I can't continue like this.. I care too much about her and it has brought me nothing but hurt.. and she clearly doesn't care about me based on her actions..

What do I do? :/


Then leave it. Get yourself out of there. It will be hard to not speak and it will hurt not knowing. But the feelings will die down and you'll move on.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by mindbodylife
But surely you can't defend her actions here.. She has flaked on me 5 times or so now? I give up. I am annoyed and rather let down. She promised me twice as well.

Definitely very angry right now, not sure how to proceed..

I will see her in uni in about 2 weeks..


So people have flaked on me loads of times, I've been disappointed but I don't get overly angry like you seem to. She may have had good reasons and not wanted to say or she may have just really not wanted to go out that day and really didn't feel like it. There have been several times when I have been supposed to go out but I've cancelled because I've felt like absolute **** or depressive and I know even if I went out I'd just end up being no fun/boring/bringing other people down.

I made the mistake of going out last week even though I felt really ****, I ended up having a panic attack breaking down and crying. You have no idea what she is feeling or possibly going through, even my closest friends don't know I suffer from depression and anxiety, she may be the same or it could be something else. Or yeah she could just be a flake and not want to hang out with you, if that's the case why would you want to be her friend anyway?

Considering how angry you are it's best you don't stay friends with her.
Just forget all about her. Get a grip, move on and get a gf.
Life goes on. Burn the bridge and continue with your life. Minimal stress.
no, no guy sees a girl and thinks 'omg she's so hot... you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna... BE HER FRIEND!!!!!111!!'

just forget about it, you've already been friendzoned
(edited 9 years ago)
To be honest, she is playing you off like a mug and you've let her. All this arranging and rearranging to benefit you has done nothing but bring disappointment to you. At least it has finally clicked for you now that she doesn't want to hang around you and probably wants her own space. I don't think she has the courage to tell you she doesn't want to hang around with you that's why she initially said yes then made an excuse.

My advice is just don't contact her or talk to her, wait for her to talk to you first.
Original post by SophieSmall
So people have flaked on me loads of times, I've been disappointed but I don't get overly angry like you seem to. She may have had good reasons and not wanted to say or she may have just really not wanted to go out that day and really didn't feel like it. There have been several times when I have been supposed to go out but I've cancelled because I've felt like absolute **** or depressive and I know even if I went out I'd just end up being no fun/boring/bringing other people down.

I made the mistake of going out last week even though I felt really ****, I ended up having a panic attack breaking down and crying. You have no idea what she is feeling or possibly going through, even my closest friends don't know I suffer from depression and anxiety, she may be the same or it could be something else. Or yeah she could just be a flake and not want to hang out with you, if that's the case why would you want to be her friend anyway?

Considering how angry you are it's best you don't stay friends with her.


I don't usually get angry, it's just with her. It's cause I care so much that it's not nice. Maybe she was on her period? Lol I don't know.

When she said "I don't feel like going" I just said "Ok so I'll see you at uni" and instead of saying something like no I'll see you before that, or offering to arrange another time, she just says "Yh". Thats it. :/

She clearly doesn't consider me important enough. I need to get away from her.
Original post by Old_Simon
Just forget all about her. Get a grip, move on and get a gf.


That's all I can do now.
Original post by Arithmeticae
no, no guy sees a girl and thinks 'omg she's so hot... you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna... BE HER FRIEND!!!!!111!!'

just forget about it, you've already been friendzoned


Hmm.. well I will distance myself from her now, even though I know it won't feel good inside :/
Original post by mindbodylife
I don't usually get angry, it's just with her. It's cause I care so much that it's not nice. Maybe she was on her period? Lol I don't know.

When she said "I don't feel like going" I just said "Ok so I'll see you at uni" and instead of saying something like no I'll see you before that, or offering to arrange another time, she just says "Yh". Thats it. :/

She clearly doesn't consider me important enough. I need to get away from her.


If you cared about her truly you wouldn't get angry at her and you would want her to be happy, you're infatuated with her.
Also wtf? Girls don't become home bound as soon as their periods hit you know. [s]rolleyes[/s

Well then she clearly doesn't want to come see you over the rest of summer, no you're going to have learn to deal with that.
You also need to come to terms with the fact you two will never be an item, which you seem to have not been able to do.
Original post by Wonderer1
To be honest, she is playing you off like a mug and you've let her. All this arranging and rearranging to benefit you has done nothing but bring disappointment to you. At least it has finally clicked for you now that she doesn't want to hang around you and probably wants her own space. I don't think she has the courage to tell you she doesn't want to hang around with you that's why she initially said yes then made an excuse.

My advice is just don't contact her or talk to her, wait for her to talk to you first.


You're right. Will do that and distance myself too. Thanks, at least you can see what she has been doing, and it's not just in my head.

If you don't expect anything, then you can't get disappointed, right?

I don't understand her. I am the nicest person to her and I have helped her with so much and she clearly doesn't appreciate it enough.

Her loss.
[QUOTE="SophieSmall;50441073"]If you cared about her truly you wouldn't get angry at her and you would want her to be happy, you're infatuated with her.
Also wtf? Girls don't become home bound as soon as their periods hit you know. :rolleyes:

That's not true, if yo constantly is she doing things that hurt/upset me, how can I not be angry? You think I should just put up with everything she does?
Hmm it was just a guess lol sorry if I offended. But the way she was talking, sending me funny emoticons I just had a hunch.
Well today was her last straw and I have had enough so I have come to terms with the situation.
Original post by mindbodylife
That's not true, if yo constantly is she doing things that hurt/upset me, how can I not be angry? You think I should just put up with everything she does?
Hmm it was just a guess lol sorry if I offended. But the way she was talking, sending me funny emoticons I just had a hunch.
Well today was her last straw and I have had enough so I have come to terms with the situation.


what things does she do to upset and hurt you?

Funny emoticons? How do funny emoticons indicate a shedding uterus?

If you say so, but you're still angry so you clearly haven't come to terms with it.
Original post by mindbodylife
As the title says.. is it possible? Surely theres gotta be a way..

cliffs:
Met a girl at uni
Told me straight away she had a BF (LDR 5+yrs)
I (believing thats cool we can be friends) act cool and became close friends with her
A few months in, I develop more feelings for her
I indirectly tell her, she says sorry but she has a bf, she happy, i shouldn't be selfish
Few weeks later things went back to normal and I didn't mention my feeling again
3 months on, we talk a lot via Whatsapp,Facebook,etc
She says I am like her best friend.

Now I have pretty much given up on the fact that we will ever date.
But we get on really well together so I don't wanna lose the friendship
So, how do I go about this?

The feelings are still there, but I think I can handle it
I'll see her in uni next month.

I've made a lot of mistakes with this girl, which I realise now, but obv won't make same mistakes with any other girl (the obvious one being I got too close to her even though I knew she had a bf)

Also, she will come to see me during the holidays. I asked her last week, and she said Friday is good.
Then the next day, she said that it's raining so she doesn't want to come. I said ok no problem.

Then 3-4 days later, the weather was good and I asked if she could come now. She said she is lazy and doesn't want to go out yet. I again (disappointed) said ok no worries.
So the week after, I asked her when she is gonna come and see me?

She said "lool why.. do u miss me? haha"

I said yeah of course i miss my friend. I thought you might be missing me too?

Then she says Yh of course I miss you too. I will come don't worry. Be patient. Lool.

To be honest, I am kind of angry and annoyed. She promised me back in July that she would come and see me before we go back to uni in October, and now uni is just a few weeks away and she still hasn't come and it just seems to me like she keeps making up excuses.

ANYWAY, then I asked her this week and she said we can meet up on wednesday. All was set. Then at night, she said oh I can't go because my brother is home and I will go shopping, so can we do thursday?

I said yeah ok. Thursday is fine. And today I said I'll see you tomorrow and she just start making and excuses and then said I don't feel like going.

I GIVE UP. I AM LIVID WITH THIS GIRL. HER PROMISES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

So now, I want to know how to proceed? I haven't gave her a piece of my mind yet.. should I? Or should I just stay quiet and just distance myself from her and stop helping her/initiating convo with her etc..

Please help :/

If a guy reacts the way you in the OP does, then no, for him. But platonic relationships are like probably as common as intimate relationships, I feel. I have been the "friend" many times if I don't want to date at the time but like the guy enough to talk to him in person, and then go places with him, and then talk to him on the phone/social media which is a big deal for me (because the phone/IM might be awkward if you don't know him very well so we must like each other a lot for that). I have had my boys testify that they're crushing on me and then I...well...let em down gently. Lol I'm kidding I laugh it off and lock their arms and we trot to the nearest site like a bar, cafe or arcade and act like he didn't say anything. I don't know if that's a good method but I don't know any others lol
THE THING IS, yesterday I asked her, if she wants to come and see me..
and she said yes I promise I do..

Explain this...

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