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How do you stop thinking of dating as competition?

Anything which involves competition I tend to clam up. I can do it but I get very stressed, and then don't always succeed, despite putting in a lot of effort, which is frustrating.

I tend also to view it all as threats, such as if a guy beats me at Mario Kart or Laser Quest when my SO is around, then that's a threat to our relationship-and an even bigger threat if I am trying to 'woo' the girl in question, because who wants to date a loser (or Mario Kart or bigger things?)

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Reply 2
Original post by Eva.Gregoria


-Don't date?

-Don't see it that way?

-Don't ask this question?

:s-smilie:
Original post by Riku
-Don't date?

-Don't see it that way?

-Don't ask this question?

:s-smilie:


The second option obvs :facepalm:

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Reply 4
Original post by Eva.Gregoria
The second option obvs :facepalm:

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Well that would be naive wouldn't it? If you go into an interview then you know you are against dozens if not hundreds, thousands of people who have all got great grades, been working on their interview skills, suited up for the application, some who will have had significant life experience/job experience that you haven't?

So why wouldn't you think the same when dating/in a relationship? It only takes someone being better at you at X/in X way to potentially shift your SO's attraction over to them-hence my Mario Kart example
Original post by Riku
Well that would be naive wouldn't it? If you go into an interview then you know you are against dozens if not hundreds, thousands of people who have all got great grades, been working on their interview skills, suited up for the application, some who will have had significant life experience/job experience that you haven't?

So why wouldn't you think the same when dating/in a relationship? It only takes someone being better at you at X/in X way to potentially shift your SO's attraction over to them-hence my Mario Kart example


You are exactly right of course but that mindset has nothing to do with dating.

If someone likes you, they're not going to dump you immediately someone better comes along unless your relationship developed problems along the way.

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Reply 6
Original post by Eva.Gregoria
You are exactly right of course but that mindset has nothing to do with dating.

If someone likes you, they're not going to dump you immediately someone better comes along unless your relationship developed problems along the way.

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'someone better comes along' IS a problem in itself isn't it? Unless you step up they are probably going to leave.
Original post by Riku
'someone better comes along' IS a problem in itself isn't it? Unless you step up they are probably going to leave.


But someone better coming along wouldn't even be a problem if your relationship was solid anyway and she genuinely liked you.

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Reply 8
Original post by Eva.Gregoria
But someone better coming along wouldn't even be a problem if your relationship was solid anyway and she genuinely liked you.

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s/he could find it is more solid with him/her more quickly and genuinely like us both but him/her more in a shooter amount of time amply by them being better. I'm trying to understand how people chill with competition
There is always going to be someone better than someone else at something.
Original post by Riku
s/he could find it is more solid with him/her more quickly and genuinely like us both but him/her more in a shooter amount of time amply by them being better. I'm trying to understand how people chill with competition


No.

You're overthinking things. That does not happen.

If she leaves you, it's not going to be simply because she's found someone better but if she was unhappy or troubled in your relationship to begin with.

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Reply 11
How do you stop thinking of a competition as a competition?
Don't compete!
Reply 12
Original post by Riku
s/he could find it is more solid with him/her more quickly and genuinely like us both but him/her more in a shooter amount of time amply by them being better. I'm trying to understand how people chill with competition


The problem is that you are over-thinking, winning or loosing won't normally change someones view of you. If she liked the other person enough to switch to them, then loosing a competition of any kind wouldn't change that, she would switch anyway, regardless of result.

Seems to me like you have some trust issues? You need to learn to not jump to conclusions and not see everyone as a threat. Surprisingly some girls will go for as you call them "loosers" because they are "cute"? Just another way of looking at things. :smile:
Reply 13
Original post by Eva.Gregoria
No.

You're overthinking things. That does not happen.

If she leaves you, it's not going to be simply because she's found someone better but if she was unhappy or troubled in your relationship to begin with.

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Fortunately I'm being hypothetical :tongue: but it does help me understand why I felt that things like her guy friend won me at Mario kart=she fancies her guy friend, in the case of my ex. Which is a very strange and (people say) paranoid? way of looking at it all that destroyed that relationship/friendship and I can see being repeated in future cycles if I don't change how I think.

However it is a way of thinking I have known for a long time
Reply 14
Original post by FoundWiFi InJail
There is always going to be someone better than someone else at something.


Exactly and according to Social Darwinism those who adapt better to the environment will have increased chances of survival, those who fail to do so will perish.

Equally the guys (and women? but chivalry has always expected man to gain woman's approval) who are not the cream of the crop will almost lose out to those who are…but apparently not? :s-smilie:

confusing.
Reply 15
Original post by CJKay
How do you stop thinking of a competition as a competition?
Don't compete!


Realistically if one does not compete one would have no incentive beyond hedonism to fulfil any responsibility, at an extreme one wouldn't bother to get up for work because hey everything goes! but this is not how the world works, capitalism is intensely competitive, as was our natural environment
Think of it as searching for your soul mate. You're yin searching for yang. There's no competition because no one else is the same as you or has the same soul mate . Everyone's just searching for their own.
Original post by Riku
Fortunately I'm being hypothetical :tongue: but it does help me understand why I felt that things like her guy friend won me at Mario kart=she fancies her guy friend, in the case of my ex. Which is a very strange and (people say) paranoid? way of looking at it all that destroyed that relationship/friendship and I can see being repeated in future cycles if I don't change how I think.

However it is a way of thinking I have known for a long time


Well can you stop thinking that way? For the sake of your sanity?

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Reply 18
Original post by oli1122
The problem is that you are over-thinking, winning or loosing won't normally change someones view of you. If she liked the other person enough to switch to them, then loosing a competition of any kind wouldn't change that, she would switch anyway, regardless of result.

Seems to me like you have some trust issues? You need to learn to not jump to conclusions and not see everyone as a threat. Surprisingly some girls will go for as you call them "loosers" because they are "cute"? Just another way of looking at things. :smile:


Yes, people say that :redface:

Yes it will, if a complete stranger meets you and sees you lose, they all think of you as submissive; if they see you win, they will see you have potential

There are other reasons of course why I thought she might have liked him, but this is more a hypothetical situation about my general philosophy on r'ships which I do not fully understand

Yes, big trust issues :tongue:

>not jump to conclusions, yes agreed, cognitive distortion
>'see everyone as a threat', realistically anybody who hasn't allied with me is a potential predator, or at least competing with me for resources (even 'resources' on an existential level, such as the affections of a loved one)

I have this ingrained thesis about the beta provider or "cute guy" who can be used for emotional support and hopefully financial but is ultimately not masculine enough to be respected or admired on the primal level by the heterosexual woman…attraction is a strange, subjective thing
It really is one big competition. The women are the prizes. It is why men will continue to be the most competitive and dominate everything.

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