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This is fairly urgent, could use some girl advice.

So, theres this girl that Iv been close with over the last year. We are both 23 but she has never had a boyfriend before, although I know shes kissed people before. I have had a couple of long term girlfriends. We havent gone out as such. Its actually been quite confusing and weird. She said she liked me, and I liked her, and we kept going away on loads of trips and and things which were really datey. On occasion theres been hand holding and things, but never anything else. She told me a while ago she was asexual, which isnt enormously bad as i am demisexual. She also seems quite shy and possibly insecure (not painting an amazing picture here but bare with me) and is prone to locking herself in the worlds of tumblr, internet, gaming and generally not leaving the house. A few weeks ago we talked about actually going out, and for about a few hours we kinda were, but then she went home and panicked about it (I dont know what about) Im trying to put a bit of background to the main problem.

A week ago today, she sent me a text after work saying she was drunk and I was worried and offered to pick her up from the station. She seemed drunk on the first texts but by 10 she seemed to be ok and was texting ok. She was saying things like "I really like you you know" and lots of kisses so I was like right....ok. I never know when she means something or whether shes stressing/ shy normally. Anyway, I picked her up from the station at 11pm and she put her arms around me and was holding onto me, and looking at me in "the way". I started to drive her home but on the way she was like "lets go and talk....in a car park, lets go to the park" so we went there, got out, went into the park.

So now Im fairly expecting of the fact we are going to kiss because "lets go to a car park in the middle of the night" means "lets go and kiss" and Ive already started panicking that I need to initiate and not be a lemon when shes obviously being really forward. So shes holding my arm and cuddling up to me and said "i thought this wasnt going to be a thing" and I said "its a thing anyway" and she said I dont want to regret this in the morning and I said "dont regret it then". Then we kissed. Then after we kissed again. I kissed her again to make sure she wanted to and it wasnt just me wanting to. And she was really getting into it, and had her hand on my chest etc.

If Im totally honest it wasnt the best kiss Iv ever given, I presume because neither of us had for a while and there were nerves and things - Id liked her for about 8 years on and off. It was one of those kisses where both people are getting in each others way.

After the kiss though, she started panicking and acting all weird and saying she wanted to go home, which we did. I told her not to worry and we could talk later. I didnt hear back from her for the rest of the week until Friday night when I got a text/facebook message saying 'm not interested in fixing whatever the hell has been happening, im not comfortable with meeting up with you anymore, certainly not one to one, i just don't want the headache" and then refusing to tell me why or what the matter is, saying "i dont have to justify my reasons to you" - which is a bit of a wtf moment when weve been close/ seeing each other all the time for the last 9 months.

So yeah, I dont really know what to do or where to go. I dont want to lose her friendship. I dont really understand what Monday was about or why things have changed so much now. Im trying to write her a letter to go over it all but Im still not sure how to interpret the situation.

So I need some advice here.... What does she mean? What could she be upset about? Have I done anything wrong? and if so, How can I fix it?

Thanks
(edited 9 years ago)

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Reply 1
She sounds like a nutjob


Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 2
Original post by Inazuma
She sounds like a nutjob


Posted from TSR Mobile


this

move on bro
Reply 3
Original post by iamu
this

move on bro


Ok - but do you think I personally did anything wrong in the situation?
Reply 4
Original post by Inazuma
She sounds like a nutjob


Posted from TSR Mobile


So it would seem....

But is there anything you can get from what I put that would suggest anything she might be upset about?
Original post by Clez
Ok - but do you think I personally did anything wrong in the situation?


Doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she might have some deeper anxiety issues. I think maybe speak to one of her friends and suggest she might need some support. Then you know you've been decent to check she's ok and also respecting her wishes to step back. (Even though it doesn't make much sense if I'm honest.) It could have been a drunken thing and she changed her mind later. Seems a bit mean on her part tbh.
Reply 6
Original post by lyrical_lie
Doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she might have some deeper anxiety issues. I think maybe speak to one of her friends and suggest she might need some support. Then you know you've been decent to check she's ok and also respecting her wishes to step back. (Even though it doesn't make much sense if I'm honest.) It could have been a drunken thing and she changed her mind later. Seems a bit mean on her part tbh.


She only really has one other friend that I know of (she may have others at work, but shes only just started - and the other friend is a) a bit weird too - apparently she is in a 3 way relationship and b) I dont really know her and it might seem a bit weird/creepy to be contacting her.

Ive suspected that she may have deep anxiety issues, however Im not sure how they would relate to what happened......could it have been the kiss itself in that it was a bit awkward, or could it be her feelings relating to me? or something else?

In the letter Im writing to her, Im basically going over every hypothetical situation she may be feeling and then trying to explain why it shouldnt be an issue. Do you think thats a good idea, or could it make the situation worse?
Reply 7
i wouldn't write a letter, just leave it

also, wtf is demisexual
Reply 8
Original post by iamu
i wouldn't write a letter, just leave it

also, wtf is demisexual


I find it hard to leave things. Especially this - Id at least like some sort of explanation.

Also:

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual
loling at all the different sexuals there are now. First time I've heard of demisexual.
if it were me I would have replied 'how selfish of you' then left it alone. Don't want a selfish person like that in my life.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 11
Original post by ChickenMadness
loling at all the different sexuals there are now. First time I've heard of demisexual.


The madness of learning, right?
Have you been talking to any other girls or anything?. Did you try and contact her after it happened or not? that's all I can think of as to why she would say that or be that way with you.

If not she's totally out of order and she doesn't deserve a letter. Talk about over reacting, she sounds like a bitch.
Original post by Clez
So it would seem....

But is there anything you can get from what I put that would suggest anything she might be upset about?


Not at all, hence a nutjob.

Don't write a letter. As others said all she deserves is a telling her straight she is selfish ... And a lil crazy haha.


Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Clez
So, theres this girl that Iv been close with over the last year. We are both 23 but she has never had a boyfriend before, although I know shes kissed people before. I have had a couple of long term girlfriends. We havent gone out as such. Its actually been quite confusing and weird. She said she liked me, and I liked her, and we kept going away on loads of trips and and things which were really datey. On occasion theres been hand holding and things, but never anything else. She told me a while ago she was asexual, which isnt enormously bad as i am demisexual. She also seems quite shy and possibly insecure (not painting an amazing picture here but bare with me) and is prone to locking herself in the worlds of tumblr, internet, gaming and generally not leaving the house. A few weeks ago we talked about actually going out, and for about a few hours we kinda were, but then she went home and panicked about it (I dont know what about) Im trying to put a bit of background to the main problem.

A week ago today, she sent me a text after work saying she was drunk and I was worried and offered to pick her up from the station. She seemed drunk on the first texts but by 10 she seemed to be ok and was texting ok. She was saying things like "I really like you you know" and lots of kisses so I was like right....ok. I never know when she means something or whether shes stressing/ shy normally. Anyway, I picked her up from the station at 11pm and she put her arms around me and was holding onto me, and looking at me in "the way". I started to drive her home but on the way she was like "lets go and talk....in a car park, lets go to the park" so we went there, got out, went into the park.

So now Im fairly expecting of the fact we are going to kiss because "lets go to a car park in the middle of the night" means "lets go and kiss" and Ive already started panicking that I need to initiate and not be a lemon when shes obviously being really forward. So shes holding my arm and cuddling up to me and said "i thought this wasnt going to be a thing" and I said "its a thing anyway" and she said I dont want to regret this in the morning and I said "dont regret it then". Then we kissed. Then after we kissed again. I kissed her again to make sure she wanted to and it wasnt just me wanting to. And she was really getting into it, and had her hand on my chest etc.

If Im totally honest it wasnt the best kiss Iv ever given, I presume because neither of us had for a while and there were nerves and things - Id liked her for about 8 years on and off. It was one of those kisses where both people are getting in each others way.

After the kiss though, she started panicking and acting all weird and saying she wanted to go home, which we did. I told her not to worry and we could talk later. I didnt hear back from her for the rest of the week until Friday night when I got a text/facebook message saying 'm not interested in fixing whatever the hell has been happening, im not comfortable with meeting up with you anymore, certainly not one to one, i just don't want the headache" and then refusing to tell me why or what the matter is, saying "i dont have to justify my reasons to you" - which is a bit of a wtf moment when weve been close/ seeing each other all the time for the last 9 months.

So yeah, I dont really know what to do or where to go. I dont want to lose her friendship. I dont really understand what Monday was about or why things have changed so much now. Im trying to write her a letter to go over it all but Im still not sure how to interpret the situation.

So I need some advice here.... What does she mean? What could she be upset about? Have I done anything wrong? and if so, How can I fix it?

Thanks


If she was asexual, and so is not interested in physical intimacy, maybe it was the drunkenness that was taking over on the night that you kissed, and after she realised what happened when she sobered up properly she panicked. What are the reasons she is asexual? Maybe it's a religious, cultural or psychological thing, and the knowledge that she kissed somebody freaked her out.
b****es be crazy..
Reply 16
Original post by Reeeeyah
Have you been talking to any other girls or anything?. Did you try and contact her after it happened or not? that's all I can think of as to why she would say that or be that way with you.

If not she's totally out of order and she doesn't deserve a letter. Talk about over reacting, she sounds like a bitch.


I did contact her after it happened - When I got back home I said I hoped she was ok and not to worry, and she was fine texting then. Then the next day I sent her some messages at work but they were just the normal thing talking about whatever.

I dont think shes a bitch, I think shes massively insecure and worries a lot about nothing. But the way shes reacted this weekend has been cold, harsh, rude and unnecessary.
Reply 17
Original post by snikutsmullac
If she was asexual, and so is not interested in physical intimacy, maybe it was the drunkenness that was taking over on the night that you kissed, and after she realised what happened when she sobered up properly she panicked. What are the reasons she is asexual? Maybe it's a religious, cultural or psychological thing, and the knowledge that she kissed somebody freaked her out.


Thats the thing - she says she is, but I dont know how much of that is true and how much of that is an excuse for the anxiety. When we were at school together I know she kissed people because I saw her doing it once at a party - but I dont think she has for a number of years. If she was asexual, wouldnt that still apply when drunk? You dont change your sexuality when youre drunk - and anyway she wasnt that drunk, just a little tipsy/more confident i guess. Besides, it was her leading me on in inviting the occasion to happen! I thought I was just picking her up and taking her home.

She isnt religious or ethnic or anything, so I can only conclude its psychological, but why I dont know.
Original post by Clez
Thats the thing - she says she is, but I dont know how much of that is true and how much of that is an excuse for the anxiety. When we were at school together I know she kissed people because I saw her doing it once at a party - but I dont think she has for a number of years. If she was asexual, wouldnt that still apply when drunk? You dont change your sexuality when youre drunk - and anyway she wasnt that drunk, just a little tipsy/more confident i guess. Besides, it was her leading me on in inviting the occasion to happen! I thought I was just picking her up and taking her home.

She isnt religious or ethnic or anything, so I can only conclude its psychological, but why I dont know.


Hm. She seems like a very complicated character. I don't know.
Reply 19
Original post by Reeeeyah
Have you been talking to any other girls or anything?. Did you try and contact her after it happened or not? that's all I can think of as to why she would say that or be that way with you.

If not she's totally out of order and she doesn't deserve a letter. Talk about over reacting, she sounds like a bitch.


I havent spoken to any other girls no, I generally find it hard/too much effort to get close to too many people, especially after leaving my last relationship, I was trying to have a bit of downtime - this situation just sort of happend, I wasnt going out of my way for it to develop.

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