So, theres this girl that Iv been close with over the last year. We are both 23 but she has never had a boyfriend before, although I know shes kissed people before. I have had a couple of long term girlfriends. We havent gone out as such. Its actually been quite confusing and weird. She said she liked me, and I liked her, and we kept going away on loads of trips and and things which were really datey. On occasion theres been hand holding and things, but never anything else. She told me a while ago she was asexual, which isnt enormously bad as i am demisexual. She also seems quite shy and possibly insecure (not painting an amazing picture here but bare with me) and is prone to locking herself in the worlds of tumblr, internet, gaming and generally not leaving the house. A few weeks ago we talked about actually going out, and for about a few hours we kinda were, but then she went home and panicked about it (I dont know what about) Im trying to put a bit of background to the main problem.
A week ago today, she sent me a text after work saying she was drunk and I was worried and offered to pick her up from the station. She seemed drunk on the first texts but by 10 she seemed to be ok and was texting ok. She was saying things like "I really like you you know" and lots of kisses so I was like right....ok. I never know when she means something or whether shes stressing/ shy normally. Anyway, I picked her up from the station at 11pm and she put her arms around me and was holding onto me, and looking at me in "the way". I started to drive her home but on the way she was like "lets go and talk....in a car park, lets go to the park" so we went there, got out, went into the park.
So now Im fairly expecting of the fact we are going to kiss because "lets go to a car park in the middle of the night" means "lets go and kiss" and Ive already started panicking that I need to initiate and not be a lemon when shes obviously being really forward. So shes holding my arm and cuddling up to me and said "i thought this wasnt going to be a thing" and I said "its a thing anyway" and she said I dont want to regret this in the morning and I said "dont regret it then". Then we kissed. Then after we kissed again. I kissed her again to make sure she wanted to and it wasnt just me wanting to. And she was really getting into it, and had her hand on my chest etc.
If Im totally honest it wasnt the best kiss Iv ever given, I presume because neither of us had for a while and there were nerves and things - Id liked her for about 8 years on and off. It was one of those kisses where both people are getting in each others way.
After the kiss though, she started panicking and acting all weird and saying she wanted to go home, which we did. I told her not to worry and we could talk later. I didnt hear back from her for the rest of the week until Friday night when I got a text/facebook message saying 'm not interested in fixing whatever the hell has been happening, im not comfortable with meeting up with you anymore, certainly not one to one, i just don't want the headache" and then refusing to tell me why or what the matter is, saying "i dont have to justify my reasons to you" - which is a bit of a wtf moment when weve been close/ seeing each other all the time for the last 9 months.
So yeah, I dont really know what to do or where to go. I dont want to lose her friendship. I dont really understand what Monday was about or why things have changed so much now. Im trying to write her a letter to go over it all but Im still not sure how to interpret the situation.
So I need some advice here.... What does she mean? What could she be upset about? Have I done anything wrong? and if so, How can I fix it?
Thanks