Bit of a sob story here, but I don't know where else to turn. Names have been changed for obvious reasons.
I have a long, long history of pathological lying. There have been more than a few genuinely messed up situations in my life, but I have in the past lied to people that I care about. Sometimes it has been to hurt them, sometimes it's been for attention, and sometimes it's because I genuinely believe the lie at the time.
For instance, a few years ago, I lied to my ex after we'd split up- it was already messy, she'd left me for another man that she'd been cheating on me with for months, and decided to tell me that after I'd confirmed my place at the university where she was studying. I told her that I had cancer even though this was false. She never believed me and simply broke off all contact, which is fair enough- what I did was wrong and stupid, and largely influenced by alcohol. I don't know why, but I then started telling the closest people to me that I'd survived cancer- I think it was to try to make it believable to my ex, but it got out of control. Before I knew it, I was telling people that never even knew my ex, and it just became a part of my back story. I told my trusted colleagues at work and at university, and I have no idea why.
Skip forward to a couple of weeks ago, and I'm living with a friend from work (Amelia) that I have feelings for; she's there to look after me after I recover from spinal surgery, where I'd had a cyst removed as it could have eventually seen me paralysed. She knows about my feelings, andI know that my feelings for her are completely not reciprocated, but I'm happy to be her friend and am weirdly okay with the situation. She occasionally brings a female friend (Molly), who I also work with, over, and the three of us regularly got drunk together. Molly and Amelia are in pre-dating stages; they've slept together a few times and they are obviously very attracted to each other.
When I'm drunk, I'm prone to psychotic delusion; I remember situations that didn't actually happen as if they did. My past lies, for instance, come back to me as if they were actually real. On this particular occasion, I thought that the surgery that I'd just had was to remove a tumour instead of a cyst, and went into panic mode a bit, but successfully kept a lid on it for a short while (about 20 minutes or so- I'm not sure because I'd been drunk for an entire day at this point).
Anyway, my Molly and Amelia start making out- this isn't new to me, I had in fact on one occasion been kicked out of my own bed in the past by this pair so that they could get down to it- (again, there was a lot of alcohol involved by all, so beyond having a go at them I let it go)- and my jealousy got the better of me so I pretty much ran out yelling for them to not pay me any attention. Of course, Amelia was concerned, and followed me out to ask what the hell was wrong. I didn't want to say "I can't deal with you making out in front of me because I want to be doing that", so I told her the other thing that was on my mind- that I thought that my surgery was to remove a tumour.
In the morning, I realised what I'd done, but I didn't know how to tell her. She didn't know I'd ever been delusional, and she had to go to work. The next time we were both sober in a room together, two days later, I told her the truth about this incident- that I didn't have cancer and never had. She had believed it for two whole days and had spoken to her best friends about it. She'd really gone to pieces and been crying at work over me. It’s worth mentioning that her mother died of cancer some years ago. I've never felt so awful in my life. I was admitted to a psychiatric unit not long afterwards after admitting suicidal thoughts to an NHS worker. Amelia found out (Molly called me while I was actually in hospital) and this made it even worse. Amelia is convinced it was a stunt for attention, and it just wasn't.
The thing is, before this incident, Amelia was already about to be fired from work. She had been showing up late and other members of staff were complaining. I had in fact lied to protect her from the sack on a couple of occasions. After I'd come clean, however, she got even worse, and lost her job within a week. I offered my resignation in exchange for her job, after coming clean to the management about what I'd done, but they wouldn't accept it. I've handed in my resignation anyway and am currently working my notice. It feels like the right thing to do, but now management are asking me to retract my notice and continue to work there, even in the knowledge of what I'd done; they're saying that they were looking for a reason to fire her anyway. I enjoy the job, and don't want to quit, but still feel like it's the right thing that I should lose my job. It's not fair that I should be employed when I caused her to get herself fired.
It is now about a week after she was dismissed at work, and we're still not talking, which I guess is fair enough. I'm seeing a psychological therapist and have pretty much given up drinking, which is a big deal for me- I have struggled on and off with alcoholism for a few years. I get that I hurt her, and badly, but I'm doing everything I can to show her that I'm trying to change myself. In the meantime, all I'm hearing about her (through rumour, I'm trying to give her as much space as possible) is that she's basically becoming consumed by anger and that all of her relationships are suffering as a result. Amelia missed a date with Molly a couple of nights ago because she’d simply gotten too stoned to move. I only know this because I was also working on Molly’s last shift before she moved away to university yesterday, and she’d been really looking forward to seeing Amelia one last time. Myself and Molly are still on talking terms, but obviously she’s still (rightly) angry with me as well.
I really don’t know what- if anything- I can do. I know that Molly and Amelia were both really excited about each other, and despite my feelings for Amelia I never had any intentions of getting in the way of that. Molly is now questioning whether or not it could work, and Amelia seems to be in a big pit of depression. I don’t know if I can help, but I know that I’ve caused probably irreparable damage to our friendship. I want to find a way to make sure she’s alright, even if it means that she’ll never talk to me again. I deserve this pain right now; she doesn’t.
And so, TSR, I beg of you; I know that sob-stories aren’t well received, especially from people like me who’ve brought it upon themselves. But please, is there any way I can even begin to repair the damage I’ve wrought? I'm genuinely not asking for a way to get her back; I know that I don't deserve it. I know that I'm a piece of scum. I just want to know if there's anything I can do to help Amelia deal with this and move on.