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Married and still living long distant

I wanted to ask a Q - to see the type of reaction/advice I would get.

I have been with my now-husband for 3 years this Jan.

I married him Sept. 2013 and due to the fact he is from a different country (USA) for him to come to the UK he needed a settlement Visa. I am currently working and my pay is good, as well as my job so I didn't want to go over there (yet).

I applied for the settlement Visa - and he has been unemployed since Jan2014 - due to travelling and our relationship etc.( Initially we didn't know that he had to be in his country of residence to apply for the Visa so he moved to the UK and came in via a visitor visa - we thought we could just swap the visa's around etc... big learning curve).

I have been supporting him - and that was fine. I do find it very hard sometimes - but it's just a sacrifice I am making now until he gets the Visa and hopefully the NI number and can also work.

The problem is - ever since he stopped working - we just fight all the time... for the last 3 months he has been in USA waiting for a reply from the Visa people. So we have been long distant. We fight alllll the time - and sometimes I just think. I don't deserve this - I am doing all I can, yes.. I get moody days when ( mostly for attention- due to it being long distant) I kick up a fuss about how hard and blah this situation is and how everyone else who gets married doesnt have to go through this BS etc. But the fighting - oh Lord - It has brought out this monster in me, that honestly - I didnt even know existed. My tongue spills out vile absuive words and it's a side I never knew I had. On his side - he loves to put me down when angry - Oh lord... every insult from ' You are a lady act like a lady' to yelling at me like I am his 5 year old child.

I'm going to keep going on in this relationship - but when do you know enough is enough?
Original post by Anonymous
I wanted to ask a Q - to see the type of reaction/advice I would get.

I have been with my now-husband for 3 years this Jan.

I married him Sept. 2013 and due to the fact he is from a different country (USA) for him to come to the UK he needed a settlement Visa. I am currently working and my pay is good, as well as my job so I didn't want to go over there (yet).

I applied for the settlement Visa - and he has been unemployed since Jan2014 - due to travelling and our relationship etc.( Initially we didn't know that he had to be in his country of residence to apply for the Visa so he moved to the UK and came in via a visitor visa - we thought we could just swap the visa's around etc... big learning curve).

I have been supporting him - and that was fine. I do find it very hard sometimes - but it's just a sacrifice I am making now until he gets the Visa and hopefully the NI number and can also work.

The problem is - ever since he stopped working - we just fight all the time... for the last 3 months he has been in USA waiting for a reply from the Visa people. So we have been long distant. We fight alllll the time - and sometimes I just think. I don't deserve this - I am doing all I can, yes.. I get moody days when ( mostly for attention- due to it being long distant) I kick up a fuss about how hard and blah this situation is and how everyone else who gets married doesnt have to go through this BS etc. But the fighting - oh Lord - It has brought out this monster in me, that honestly - I didnt even know existed. My tongue spills out vile absuive words and it's a side I never knew I had. On his side - he loves to put me down when angry - Oh lord... every insult from ' You are a lady act like a lady' to yelling at me like I am his 5 year old child.

I'm going to keep going on in this relationship - but when do you know enough is enough?



DISCLAIMER!!!
I'm not a counsellor or anything - or even married for a matter of fact, probably younger and pretty clueless in relationships so I might seem like the worst person to give you advice (take it with a pinch of salt, therefore) but this is my honest opinion, and thats all I want to give you...

It seems to me that this situation is obviously grating on the both of you and kind of suffocating the pair of you. I think you slightly resent him because you are supporting the both of you as well he is feeling guilty that he is unable to do anything and how it's really on his side -because of the visa etc. I feel as if this is like the first hurdle of your marriage to get through.

As for you saying how other marriages dont have this sort of problems - how do you know that? Arent all marriages different or something? I know for a fact that all marriages arent perfect but it's we as people who direct it. When you married this guy, it should have been for better for worse, for richer for poorer. You made a vow tilll death does you part and you dont just make that kind of promise to anyone I would hope. I think you should remember why you married him in the first place and focus on the positives, reassuring hom that you're waiting for him etc. Marriage is a team sport and it doesnt help if one teammate is is spewing insulting crap to the other. Or the other is making you feel insignificant.

I feel like the both of you need a day to really talk through how the both of you are really feeling and how much you miss each other. Do this yourselves and dont bring any other person in it. Have a day where you can release all your emotions and end up apologising to each other for both your catty behaviour, so it ends there.

I can't reassure you that you will never fight again, as i said marriage isnt perfect, but i am going to tell you if you both really really love each other it will improve
:top::yep:

Good luck and cheer up - and I won't get offended if you neg me

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