The Student Room Group

Long story about filling the void and dealing with a commitment phobe.

To start, I made the terrible mistake of jumping from one 5 year relationship to another 1 year relationship (both partially long distance). I couldn't deal with the void and immediately met someone who was seemingly charming and with whom I clicked pretty fast... So now onto the story about him.

Okay so my now ex boyfriend has some crazy anxiety problems which he has had all his life with girls but which got worse when his mum died 3 years ago. I will change his name to Tom here to avoid anyone I/he knows from finding this.

He would be really nice and loving for 3-4 days then withdraw and becoming anti-social, emotionless and often quite nasty for a day (if I tried to take him away from his withdrawn state) It wasn't nice nor ideal but I could cope with the hope it would change as I knew when in his "up" state he was a very lovely person. In these anxious states, if with me, he would tell me how he couldn't cope anymore, how he needed to end it. Then he woudl change his mind... He booked to come and do the trip to Japan and Vietnam with me... this is where things got serious. On the 2nd day into Japan, my birthday, he decided to withdraw and left me alone for the day. The day after he tried to break up with me in his panic, then rang a friend who told him to not act rashly. Meanwhile I was suffering so left the hotel room in the early morning. He never followed me. I was in a really horrible position, alone in Japan on a trip where I had planned to be with someone. I could have continued alone, but you know, it would have left a bad taste in my mouth considering I had planned it with someone else and they had hurt me. He was so anxious he booked into another hostel, couldn't sleep so booked a hotel room. He had three rooms booked for the same night! He was taking anti depressents and trying to make himself sleep. After 3 days he calmed down and we went and visited a site together. At the end of the day he calmed down and I managed to convince him to continue the trip and relationship with me, though at first he was reluctant, he said he was ashamed for my parents etc (my friends back home said continue the trip with him and then leave him afterwards) Well, for the rest of the time in Japan I did feel on edge but it got better in Vietnam and we ended up having a nice time and he was very loving. When we got back I wasn't sure about what I wanted for the future but thought we should agree to meet again anyway, especially considering he was talking about applying to study in Edinburgh with me.

So I booked my flight to go see him.

In the beginning of september when back in the UK I started putting together all the times he had had anxiety attacks and lashed out and felt quite insecure, I rang him up to tell him and he seemed annoyed that I had expectations for him.

(I guess he was in a dark moment again)

Then the next two weeks went better and he was back to being "nice Tom"... Back in Edinburgh, he wrote to me to tell me he was planning to come to Edinburgh in January. I said "great" but was worrying 1. about how he would be the next day, whenever he made a step forward in a relationship the next day he would go into that dark place again 2. whether I actually wanted him to come to Edinburgh seeing as it is my final semester at uni and I don't want it to be messed around with.

Of course, the next day he withdrew into himself again. I got seriously annoyed and said "you may have these problems but you could at least say to me "sorry, it's just one of those days" and I would know to leave you alone! I can't cope with this anymore"

The next day he rang me up and said "hey I was thinking about it, and if you don't think you can cope with that side of me I think it would be better for you to end it with me"

To his surprise I said "Maybe you are right, I will have a think about it. I then started weighing up the options for and against and he started protesting, like "But I want to see you again" and "why don't we just try and see how it goes?", "I would be lonely without you"

I said I would sleep on it. The next day I called him up and ended it after having sought advice from a few friends, without giving him much time to protest.

He sent me a long email saying it was probably for the best but he would have a hard time letting go of me and would miss me, reminiscing over moments.

During the week I felt good during the day but very empty in the morning-I realized I needed some kind of resolution or closure.

Literally the day before my flight was supposed to come I decided I would take it. I called him and after two hours we decided I would come. Initially he was upset for my call and looked depressed, and said we couldn't continue. But after he was minded that I would come he changed his mind. He was in a good mood and seemed happy.

Meanwhile I became terribly nervous about going and apparently so did he. I arrived at 9am in Germany on Wednesday, after a very cold cary journey in which we didn't say much to each other, we went to his room where I wanted to sleep for a bit. He wanted sex, I said no. We had lunch. Post-lunch I tried to speak about what happened and he had the same freak out he had had in Japan...

"I can't handle this anymore! It is not worth it, not even for the nice moments or love"

"I can't own anything nice!"

I tried to calm him down reminding him that a lot of his anxieties had something to do with his fear of loss and the fact that his mum died... he said bitterly " I am glad she died"

" I still haven't forgiven her"

I realized how awful my situation was and obviously started crying. I had come to Germany with no clear idea of what I wanted and this anxiety had resurfaced. He told me "you can stay here as a goodbye weekend but you need to be in a different room and we can't speak or see each other" He was also crying on and off. I insisted he get me home some how next cheapest flight was from Amsterdam the following day at 10pm... So he booked me the flight to Amsterdam and drove me there, having booked me a hostel and left me there. Horrible emotional car journey where he was having his crazy internal dialogue and crying. It was the typical Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde thing, going from loving and emotional partner to selfish emotionless as**ole.

He dropped me off in Amsterdam, tried to hug goodbye whilst cryingand I just walked off...

so Wednesday 6am flight to Germany. Arrive 9am. 10.30am at his student house. Sleep. 14.00 lunch. Argument then 15.30 driving to Amsterdam. 20:00 I am alone in Amsterdam in this confused state after this mind numbingly horrible episode. get stoned with some travellers in the hostel. Following day alone in Amsterdam. Got back last night.

2 days from hell. Most expensive break up ever for him, most emotionally devestating break up for me. I realize that this isn't my fault... Upon asking he couldn't find any fault in me and loved me, but this is precisely the reason why it is so confusing and upsetting. There was so much potential and yet he just went and destroyed it.

Since I sent him a "goodbye forever" email, telling him to never mess with my head again. It was tough but necessary.

I feel empty, confused, and my recently improved confidence has gone back down. Before both relationships I had anorexia and somehow a relationship filled the void, now it's gone I realize I can't rely on another person to fill that hole. What can I do?? Advice please.
Reply 1
Summary: Long history of feeling the need to fill in a void-self harm, anorexia, 5 year relationship with a guy kind of filled that, 1 year relationship almost did but it ended horribly and destroyed my confidence as boyfriend turned out to be a commitment phobe, he had anxiety attacks and left me in Japan and then again when I came to see him in Germany. Dealing with one person that seems like two people and being unable to let go of the side which seemed in love. Addictive and harmful relationship. Now left feeling the void that these relationships and anorexia filled. Need to learn to accept the void, fill it in a healthy manner or something...
Reply 2
Bump
Reply 3
No replies? Seriously? :frown:
Reply 4
Original post by Foo.mp3
Have you had any therapy, or thoughts about what you might fill it with?


I had therapy when I was recovering from anorexia but nothing since.
This recent relationship mess up really has made me feel insecure though, and whilst it is clear he too has issues it just doesn't seem fair that he played with my mind so much.
Reply 5
I'm sorry you've had to go through all that. You need to try and move on, I know it's easier said than done. Work on being happy by yourself, work on indulging in the things you love and becoming an overall better person. Surround yourself with love from friends and family, get therapy if you need it and take care of yourself. You've been through a rough time, don't let it dominate the rest of your life. Try to learn from and see the good in this experience. Be happy that he hasn't got the power to hurt you currently anymore :smile: Goodluck OP.
Reply 6
Original post by lizfairy
Thanks, but how do I forgot and move on...?


Hey,

Like I said, it's easier said than done. What I've stated in that post are some tips to try and move on :smile:
Reply 7
Original post by Foo.mp3
I would talk to someone professionally once more, if only to offload it all

You know you have an active choice in that right?

There you go

Life's a bitch, and sometimes so are people. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn the lessons, and tell yourself never again. You have an opportunity to turn it to a personal development gain, as perverse as that might sound. I suggest that you take it


It's difficult to let it go when you think "what if", but then again I guess there would never be an answer as he has issues which he has had with his past girlfriends and will have again, I am sure.

What can I learn from this? I will talk to someone professionally if I do get the chance.
Reply 8
Original post by Foo.mp3
Plenty, ask yourself what would you tell a friend in your situation she could learn from the experience?

Ok good, certainly do if you struggle with adopting the mindset I have indicated



...All I can say is, to be more wary about people from the onset.
The main lesson it has taught me is that I was right in the past, that one should feel insecure in relationships.
Reply 9
Original post by Martina_
Hey,

Like I said, it's easier said than done. What I've stated in that post are some tips to try and move on :smile:


Thanks. At the moment I feel a lot of resentment. Need to get that out of the way.
Original post by Foo.mp3
I know what you mean but there's a difference between being wary, watchful, and working on becoming a better judge of character/spotting the warning signs vs. necessarily feeling 'insecure' in any/every relationship! If one is too insecure to relax in a relationship then one must work on oneself before entering into one. If one is made to feel insecure in a relationship then one has to question the sense in the relationship


I entered the relationship with a new sense of security after 5 years of being in a loving relationship. My security went down hill... Yes I guess I should have left earlier.

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