The Student Room Group

My boyfriend is finding University too hard?

I moved from my hometown to Uni at the end of September to study Engineering - I need this degree to get anywhere in my chosen career. My boyfriend said he understood this and he would support me.
It's only a 30 minute train ride away from my home, so we arranged for me to come back every weekend. He's 24 and I'm 20 - so to begin with it was quite a mature relationship;
Although it was hard at first I thought we could really make this work! We'd planned on me moving in with him for 2nd year anyway.

I went back for the weekend and had arranged to see him Thursday evening so he could stay and I could cook for him.
This evening something went wrong with the wifi and because I didn't get his messages from 8-10pm he thought I was ignoring him. He sent me horrible messages after he thought I'd ignored him...telling me to go 'F**k myself' and generally being really vulgar towards me. I got upset and rang him only to find him saying it wasn't working and the distance was too hard for him (it's only been 2 days since I last saw him). I've convinced him not to break up but I don't know what to do.

I contact him throughout the day and ring him every night I'm away. But he's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's so jealous of my flatmates and he's just getting angrier.
Has anyone been in this situation? Can I help him in anyway? I feel like I've tried everything, but the more I get angry back, the more distant he becomes.
Reply 1
Education is more important.
From what you've told us, it is he that is the problem. Your education should easily trump this clearly broken relationship. No one should jump the gun so quickly just because you don't answer him back immediately. Trust me, I have been through the same thing. You should just break up and get on with your degree, and let your social life expand rather than revolve solely around him. He is holding you back.
Reply 3
Original post by Ellie :)
X


I haven't been in this exact situation, and I'm really not sure what it's like but I can somewhat sympathize with your boyfriend. When I go to uni, it will be difficult for me to not see my own girlfriend and it would be very difficult if I didn't know her flatmate, especially if male. I've always wanted my girlfriend to make a little time each night to talk with me, and it is very difficult when she doesn't reply at all.
But... This seems somewhat extreme. I get annoyed with my girlfriend if she doesn't reply, sure. But when I say she doesn't reply, we're talking about a couple of days or weeks, not a few minutes/ hours. He's not eating or sleeping? That's really extreme. I will admit, I have stopped eating/sleeping for my girlfriend, but when needed, like she has to stay up later herself, or I need to help her during an eating period.

I personally think it's time to talk with him. Find out what would make him more comfortable, how you can help him relax, but unfortunately this might just be one relationship, that isn't meant to be...
Reply 4
Original post by Zaros
I haven't been in this exact situation, and I'm really not sure what it's like but I can somewhat sympathize with your boyfriend. When I go to uni, it will be difficult for me to not see my own girlfriend and it would be very difficult if I didn't know her flatmate, especially if male. I've always wanted my girlfriend to make a little time each night to talk with me, and it is very difficult when she doesn't reply at all.
But... This seems somewhat extreme. I get annoyed with my girlfriend if she doesn't reply, sure. But when I say she doesn't reply, we're talking about a couple of days or weeks, not a few minutes/ hours. He's not eating or sleeping? That's really extreme. I will admit, I have stopped eating/sleeping for my girlfriend, but when needed, like she has to stay up later herself, or I need to help her during an eating period.

I personally think it's time to talk with him. Find out what would make him more comfortable, how you can help him relax, but unfortunately this might just be one relationship, that isn't meant to be...


Unless she's on a holiday abroad or camping, not replying to someone (esp your own boyfriend) for weeks seems slightly strange.....
(edited 9 years ago)
He sounds very insecure and immature. There are two options: either he finds a job where you are, and you rent a place together, or you break up with him.

What is assuredly not an option is you giving up your engineering degree, which will launch your career and shape your personality, just to placate him.

Maybe your boyfriend ought to consider going to uni too (I get the definite impression he hasn't been). If he's been on a low income but financially independent from his parents for some years, he may receive a sizeable loan/grant. And it would expand his mind so that he didn't have to get all paranoid when his girlfriend leaves him.

Could he be jealous that you are making something of yourself, and so he is quick to resent you?
Reply 6
Original post by Meduza
Unless she's on a holiday abroad or camping, not replying to someone (esp your own boyfriend) for weeks seems slightly strange.....


Not particularly. She's an opera singer, and often has to go back home to Japan where her grandparents don't have wifi, thus she is relatively unable to communicate with me, other than by emails, etc.
Reply 7
Dump him

You're a pretty engineering student and can easily replace him.
You have to remember that you're not doing anything wrong, this is purely about his insecurities.

You're going to uni, you have lots of exciting times and opportunities ahead of you - he's likely worried that you'll get bored of him, or have more fun without him, etc. But if that's what he's feeling, he's not dealing with it in the correct way.

Try asking for a calm and honest chat with him - ask him why he's behaving like he is, and what you need him to do for this to work. Give it a few weeks to see how it goes - if there's no improvement, then you might have to look at ending the relationship.
Original post by Ellie :)
I moved from my hometown to Uni at the end of September to study Engineering - I need this degree to get anywhere in my chosen career. My boyfriend said he understood this and he would support me.
It's only a 30 minute train ride away from my home, so we arranged for me to come back every weekend. He's 24 and I'm 20 - so to begin with it was quite a mature relationship;
Although it was hard at first I thought we could really make this work! We'd planned on me moving in with him for 2nd year anyway.

I went back for the weekend and had arranged to see him Thursday evening so he could stay and I could cook for him.
This evening something went wrong with the wifi and because I didn't get his messages from 8-10pm he thought I was ignoring him. He sent me horrible messages after he thought I'd ignored him...telling me to go 'F**k myself' and generally being really vulgar towards me. I got upset and rang him only to find him saying it wasn't working and the distance was too hard for him (it's only been 2 days since I last saw him). I've convinced him not to break up but I don't know what to do.

I contact him throughout the day and ring him every night I'm away. But he's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's so jealous of my flatmates and he's just getting angrier.
Has anyone been in this situation? Can I help him in anyway? I feel like I've tried everything, but the more I get angry back, the more distant he becomes.


this relationship isn't going to last sorry. I know its hard but if he truly cared about you he would do everything to support you not make it harder.
Reply 10
Original post by scrotgrot
He sounds very insecure and immature. There are two options: either he finds a job where you are, and you rent a place together, or you break up with him.

What is assuredly not an option is you giving up your engineering degree, which will launch your career and shape your personality, just to placate him.

Maybe your boyfriend ought to consider going to uni too (I get the definite impression he hasn't been). If he's been on a low income but financially independent from his parents for some years, he may receive a sizeable loan/grant. And it would expand his mind so that he didn't have to get all paranoid when his girlfriend leaves him.

Could he be jealous that you are making something of yourself, and so he is quick to resent you?


I'm not sure it's that to be honest. He moved out when he was 18 and earns £50,000 a year as a salesman...so if anything he's the one whose made something of himself already!

But you're right, hes has never gone to university.
Just remember one day your career won't wake up and say they don't love you anymore.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.


Posted from TSR Mobile
It's perfectly obvious that you need to have a serious talk with him and let him express his feelings as well as you telling him what you feel.

My boyfriend was really worried before I went to university that I would forget him, get bored of him, find someone else, etc. He got quite upset about it once and it took a lot of reassurance to convince him that he's the only man for me and that I'm not going to go off with anyone else.

His behaviour sounds completely unreasonable and childish, but having been in a long distance relationship for nearly four years with travelling times between half an hour and several hours (some of which were on a plane) I know that things can become very emotional and difficult when you're denied access to the person you love.

If he persists in his immature stroppiness and if this isn't just the hiccups of first transition, then I agree with the other posters that you need to get rid of him because it's not going to be conducive to your learning and will probably be upsetting and disruptive. First, though, I think you should talk to him.
He's definitely overreacted, but having been in an LDR I will say that it's easy to do that - if my boyfriend didn't reply for a few hours I'd probably have jumped to the same conclusions and not start texting insults him, but definitely be upset.
Why don't you guys just move in together now?
Reply 14
Original post by Ellie :)
I moved from my hometown to Uni at the end of September to study Engineering - I need this degree to get anywhere in my chosen career. My boyfriend said he understood this and he would support me.
It's only a 30 minute train ride away from my home, so we arranged for me to come back every weekend. He's 24 and I'm 20 - so to begin with it was quite a mature relationship;
Although it was hard at first I thought we could really make this work! We'd planned on me moving in with him for 2nd year anyway.

I went back for the weekend and had arranged to see him Thursday evening so he could stay and I could cook for him.
This evening something went wrong with the wifi and because I didn't get his messages from 8-10pm he thought I was ignoring him. He sent me horrible messages after he thought I'd ignored him...telling me to go 'F**k myself' and generally being really vulgar towards me. I got upset and rang him only to find him saying it wasn't working and the distance was too hard for him (it's only been 2 days since I last saw him). I've convinced him not to break up but I don't know what to do.

I contact him throughout the day and ring him every night I'm away. But he's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's so jealous of my flatmates and he's just getting angrier.
Has anyone been in this situation? Can I help him in anyway? I feel like I've tried everything, but the more I get angry back, the more distant he becomes.



Hun....

You may think that he is your world right now. But in a few years time - you will look back and just laugh.

He sounds insecure and very jealous! You need to be careful. Uni/Education will further you in life and will always be there to be your foundation. He will not. Think with your brain not your heart. Everyone wants to be loved - but it's not worth throwing away your education to make a man happy. If he wanted you happy he would try everything and anything to make you happy. If he wanted you to be happy, he would trust you instead of making you feel bad for flat mates which comes with the package of uni.

Trust me - You will look back and laugh. Don't waste your uni years ( best years of your life ) on an insecure man. I once dated a man - that whenever I would have finals - the next night before the finals - he would call me and randomly pick a fight - I would go to the exam, emotionally, mentally exhausted!

Trust me - education over a man any day!
Original post by Ellie :)
I moved from my hometown to Uni at the end of September to study Engineering - I need this degree to get anywhere in my chosen career. My boyfriend said he understood this and he would support me.
It's only a 30 minute train ride away from my home, so we arranged for me to come back every weekend. He's 24 and I'm 20 - so to begin with it was quite a mature relationship;
Although it was hard at first I thought we could really make this work! We'd planned on me moving in with him for 2nd year anyway.

I went back for the weekend and had arranged to see him Thursday evening so he could stay and I could cook for him.
This evening something went wrong with the wifi and because I didn't get his messages from 8-10pm he thought I was ignoring him. He sent me horrible messages after he thought I'd ignored him...telling me to go 'F**k myself' and generally being really vulgar towards me. I got upset and rang him only to find him saying it wasn't working and the distance was too hard for him (it's only been 2 days since I last saw him). I've convinced him not to break up but I don't know what to do.

I contact him throughout the day and ring him every night I'm away. But he's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's so jealous of my flatmates and he's just getting angrier.
Has anyone been in this situation? Can I help him in anyway? I feel like I've tried everything, but the more I get angry back, the more distant he becomes.

30 mins is nothing on the train, can't he go to you for lunch breaks
30 minutes isn't that long, could he not come up for the odd evening during the week if he misses you that much (or you go home)?

He's not dealing with this very maturely. Everyone gets busy at uni - yeah, ok, I do get worried if my boyfriend hasn't replied for a while and vice versa, but if that happens one of us will just say we're busy and we'll be in touch later, and I would never send him horrible messages like that. You haven't been away for that long and this could go one of two ways - either he will get used to you being away and things will be ok again, or he won't and he'll be like this all of the time. The first week or so of long distance after not being long distance is always difficult, so give it another few weeks. You're seeing him every weekend which is a lot more than many LDR couples do at uni.

Don't give him an ultimatum as such, but calmly explain to him that this is what you have always wanted to do, and uni is only for a few years, and you don't feel like he's living up to what he said about supporting you and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't support you in achieving your goals in life. Let him tell you how he feels about it but tell him he can't get angry as he does. How long have you been together? If it's meant to be it will work out between you, but only if he comes to terms with you being away at uni. Maybe he's worried you will find someone else because you meet so many new people at uni; maybe he's worried it will change you because a lot of people do change in some way at uni. That's not to say that you will do either of those things because it isn't a given, but he will probably know that it happens to a lot of people.

If he's jealous of your flatmates perhaps let him come to yours for a weekend so he can meet them properly? It might help with the jealousy.

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