Incapable of making friends at the age of 23?

Hi there,

Just wanted some opinions.

I'm at University, doing my postgrad, and like many others I moved here without knowing anyone (some 300 miles from home, so I cannot just nip home like I could at undergrad). All of my housemates are very friendly, we talk when passing, but they're not really a 'lively' bunch. But, I'm not a social butterfly either, so I'm either busy studying or looking at videos of cats.

From since I can remember, I have always struggled to make friends. Every friendship I have ever had was always instigated by the other person (they obviously saw something in me). At undergraduate, I truly made some life long friends and I do miss them. I keep thinking if only they were here.

However, there's a part inside of me which is battling with myself - on one hand, I'm not bothered in making friends, but the other part of me wants to have an individual (just one 'good' friend) who I can do things with e.g. go to town, something to eat etc but I just cannot find it anywhere.

Finding a word to describe it is difficult, but it is kind of disheartening when I see people on my course in the Facebook group who are all adding each other yet I don't get any requests. I'm 90% sure that if I added everyone, they would accept out of courtesy, and the world would see I am up by 30 friends. However, I cannot conform to modern day society where all someone needs to do is say 'hello' in passing and the next minute they're friends on Facebook.

I've been here just under a month, and I haven't really connected with anyone. I went to a society event alone (it was a house party), and I scurried out the back door after half an hour because I felt uncomfortable. I spoke to a couple of new faces, but just ended up leaning against a wall whilst people were in groups talking in corners of the room. I also went to a debate thingy last night, which was very interesting, and those in charge invited everyone for a drink in the SU after, and yet again, I didn't go. I made the conscious decision to do this through past experience, not to mention I needed to go library, but any other normal person would have gone along in the hope to make a friend.

I know it's bad, but I have a resentful attitude. When I am with new people, I do make an effort and try to look remotely happy, however inside I am miserable. There is also a social event arranged by the uni for those on my course, but again, I probably won't go because it will be me all alone again as people have already decided on their 'groups'.

It is disheartening because I cannot see my situation changing much by Christmas. My mother has always encouraged me in life, and I know she does worry about me because of my insular, quiet nature and she has always pushed me to get out there stating I'm just as good as anyone else. So, when I go home, I will have to concoct some story that I have made some good friends, when in fact I really haven't. I have only really made 'acquaintances'. I have come on in leaps and bounds, I'm not the same girl I was at 17. I've held down jobs for 6 years, 3 of those whilst at undergrad. Going from a child who was too shy to answer the register at school to a girl who could handle a screaming patient on the phone at my last job is testament of this.

Another thing I despise is desperation. I see new people in groups, e.g. my course, who I can tell are obviously making an effort, but I find it cringey when it borders on someone just sitting there trying to involve themselves in another groups personal conversation whilst smiling like an idiot. I know I come across as I grumpy so and so, but I can't help it. I do believe I have a lot of confidence issues, however I have done a lot to try and rectify this. I have lost a good amount of weight which was a self confidence issue a year ago, I'm at an average weight for my stats, however I'm still miserable no matter what I try and change.

Part of me just wants to get on with it and do exceptionally well with my studies, but it would also be nice to make even one friends that sticks.

Any advice?

You sound like me

Do you have any hobbies? I find it easier to talk to people and make conversation etc if there is something else to focus on, also means you don't have to worry about awkward silences as much as you have something to do. I am the worst when the whole situation is geared round just talking say like at a party.

Wow, I'm in the same position, doing a postgrad now and having a really hard time making friends. Your post describes me completely! It's pretty weird! I had a lot of friends growing up but in the last few years have found it really hard to make friends. I too see everyone around me meeting new people and looking so happy and comfortable with each other so quickly but everyone I meet never bothers to contact me or reply to me again. It's very strange. Where do you live? I'm in London. We should meet haha.

Some simple advice.

If you want friends, be a friend.

Be a nice, humble, person.

Instead of taking energy off people, give out energy, and it will return to you sooner or later.

Being needy is generally a turn off and repels people.

Hi there,

Just wanted some opinions.

I'm at University, doing my postgrad, and like many others I moved here without knowing anyone (some 300 miles from home, so I cannot just nip home like I could at undergrad). All of my housemates are very friendly, we talk when passing, but they're not really a 'lively' bunch. But, I'm not a social butterfly either, so I'm either busy studying or looking at videos of cats.

From since I can remember, I have always struggled to make friends. Every friendship I have ever had was always instigated by the other person (they obviously saw something in me). At undergraduate, I truly made some life long friends and I do miss them. I keep thinking if only they were here.

However, there's a part inside of me which is battling with myself - on one hand, I'm not bothered in making friends, but the other part of me wants to have an individual (just one 'good' friend) who I can do things with e.g. go to town, something to eat etc but I just cannot find it anywhere.

Finding a word to describe it is difficult, but it is kind of disheartening when I see people on my course in the Facebook group who are all adding each other yet I don't get any requests. I'm 90% sure that if I added everyone, they would accept out of courtesy, and the world would see I am up by 30 friends. However, I cannot conform to modern day society where all someone needs to do is say 'hello' in passing and the next minute they're friends on Facebook.

I've been here just under a month, and I haven't really connected with anyone. I went to a society event alone (it was a house party), and I scurried out the back door after half an hour because I felt uncomfortable. I spoke to a couple of new faces, but just ended up leaning against a wall whilst people were in groups talking in corners of the room. I also went to a debate thingy last night, which was very interesting, and those in charge invited everyone for a drink in the SU after, and yet again, I didn't go. I made the conscious decision to do this through past experience, not to mention I needed to go library, but any other normal person would have gone along in the hope to make a friend.

I know it's bad, but I have a resentful attitude. When I am with new people, I do make an effort and try to look remotely happy, however inside I am miserable. There is also a social event arranged by the uni for those on my course, but again, I probably won't go because it will be me all alone again as people have already decided on their 'groups'.

It is disheartening because I cannot see my situation changing much by Christmas. My mother has always encouraged me in life, and I know she does worry about me because of my insular, quiet nature and she has always pushed me to get out there stating I'm just as good as anyone else. So, when I go home, I will have to concoct some story that I have made some good friends, when in fact I really haven't. I have only really made 'acquaintances'. I have come on in leaps and bounds, I'm not the same girl I was at 17. I've held down jobs for 6 years, 3 of those whilst at undergrad. Going from a child who was too shy to answer the register at school to a girl who could handle a screaming patient on the phone at my last job is testament of this.

Another thing I despise is desperation. I see new people in groups, e.g. my course, who I can tell are obviously making an effort, but I find it cringey when it borders on someone just sitting there trying to involve themselves in another groups personal conversation whilst smiling like an idiot. I know I come across as I grumpy so and so, but I can't help it. I do believe I have a lot of confidence issues, however I have done a lot to try and rectify this. I have lost a good amount of weight which was a self confidence issue a year ago, I'm at an average weight for my stats, however I'm still miserable no matter what I try and change.

Part of me just wants to get on with it and do exceptionally well with my studies, but it would also be nice to make even one friends that sticks.

Any advice?

I'm the exact opposite, everywhere I go I make friends really easily. I quite like moving to new cities as it gives me a chance to make a whole bunch of new friends in a few months.

If you're going to a house party but then running away after half an hour, what's the point? Talk to people. Make an effort.


Here is the phrase you need to remember in your course: "who fancies a pint?"

Sounds exactly like my life tbh. I think my problem is I'm just terrible at keeping friendships going. Plus my chronic resting bitch face probably doesn't endear me to many.

Any advice?

Although I wouldn't put it quite as harshly as cole-slaw, I tend to agree.

You're not 'unable' to make friends, you just avoid opportunities to make friends. It is purely down to your lack of effort, there's nothing wrong with you or any mystery to solve here. You don't want to 'lower' yourself by following the normal protocols of forming friendships because essentially you're afraid of failure/rejection.

Social anxiety is not something you self-diagnose and as it happens it doesn't sound like that's what you have. You said you don't want to do something that makes you uncomfortable but that can be solved simply by familiarising yourself with the 'social process'. The more you do it, the easier it will seem. You have to put yourself out there because no one's going to coming running looking to be your friend.

From since I can remember, I have always struggled to make friends. Every friendship I have ever had was always instigated by the other person (they obviously saw something in me). At undergraduate, I truly made some life long friends and I do miss them. I keep thinking if only they were here.

However, there's a part inside of me which is battling with myself - on one hand, I'm not bothered in making friends, but the other part of me wants to have an individual (just one 'good' friend) who I can do things with e.g. go to town, something to eat etc but I just cannot find it anywhere.


I've been here just under a month, and I haven't really connected with anyone. I went to a society event alone (it was a house party), and I scurried out the back door after half an hour because I felt uncomfortable. I spoke to a couple of new faces, but just ended up leaning against a wall whilst people were in groups talking in corners of the room. I also went to a debate thingy last night, which was very interesting, and those in charge invited everyone for a drink in the SU after, and yet again, I didn't go. I made the conscious decision to do this through past experience, not to mention I needed to go library, but any other normal person would have gone along in the hope to make a friend.

I know it's bad, but I have a resentful attitude. When I am with new people, I do make an effort and try to look remotely happy, however inside I am miserable. There is also a social event arranged by the uni for those on my course, but again, I probably won't go because it will be me all alone again as people have already decided on their 'groups'.

It is disheartening because I cannot see my situation changing much by Christmas. My mother has always encouraged me in life, and I know she does worry about me because of my insular, quiet nature and she has always pushed me to get out there stating I'm just as good as anyone else. So, when I go home, I will have to concoct some story that I have made some good friends, when in fact I really haven't. I have only really made 'acquaintances'. I have come on in leaps and bounds, I'm not the same girl I was at 17. I've held down jobs for 6 years, 3 of those whilst at undergrad. Going from a child who was too shy to answer the register at school to a girl who could handle a screaming patient on the phone at my last job is testament of this.

Another thing I despise is desperation. I see new people in groups, e.g. my course, who I can tell are obviously making an effort, but I find it cringey when it borders on someone just sitting there trying to involve themselves in another groups personal conversation whilst smiling like an idiot. I know I come across as I grumpy so and so, but I can't help it. I do believe I have a lot of confidence issues, however I have done a lot to try and rectify this. I have lost a good amount of weight which was a self confidence issue a year ago, I'm at an average weight for my stats, however I'm still miserable no matter what I try and change.

Part of me just wants to get on with it and do exceptionally well with my studies, but it would also be nice to make even one friends that sticks.

Any advice?

First of all, lucky you for having other people instigate friendships with you! I don't think I've ever had one person do this with me, so I don't think you realise how fortunate you are. However maybe this has made you make less of an effort yourself? If you're used to other people coming to you, you maybe don't have to reach out to new people? So I'd suggest maybe trying to talk to new people, challenge yourself to say hey to at least one stranger in your classes or where ever say once a week, I always have to initiate conversation with people in seminars or lectures, and now we are friends.

Also, a month is a very short period of time, although it can seem like forever. Friendships take months sometimes even years to build, facebook is bad for giving the illusion that everyone is socialising all the time and are bffs with people, when think how easy it is to take a selfie with someone which would look like wow they're having an amazing time they must be good friends! When they could've spent the whole night in an awkward silence or felt bored, you never know! Fb just tends to make us think everyone has this amazing social life when it's probably not really the case for everyone. So I wouldn't take fb at face value.

You also said something along the lines of not being bothered, so to me that kinda says you view making friendships as a bit of a chore maybe? Like your aren't that interested? So it kinda conflicts with the fact you do wanna make friends! Again friendships do take loads of effort and personal energy, if you don't put anything in then things won't develop or move forward.

Maybe you're just putting too much pressure on yourself to have a massive group of friends, maybe you're more the type of person who has one or two close friends? It can be hard in your 20s, I'm in the same position, I make acquaintances but feel like I don't become really close to people. I think it just takes time and effort, and people can be so busy with Uni and work.

Maybe you just need to find a common ground with people, like going to the cinema one day a week or two, or going to the gym, something you can do together regularly that interests yous?

Again, you're lucky other people start friendships with you, you say you miss these people from Uni, have you kept in touch with them? Have you made the effort to remain friends?

If you have the balls to talk to strangers then you'll do fine, it's pushing yourself to do these things and go outside your comfort zone that'll help you.