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Should I tell bf I had miscarriage instead of abortion?

Been with bf for 4 years. I got pregnant in august and terminated the pregnancy at 9 weeks, which was last week. I told him that I'm pregnant and he told me he really wanted me to keep it I said no because we're far too young and I want to go to uni this year.

I know he's really upset, he doesn't know I've had the abortion I want to tell him I lost the baby. What shall I do?

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Original post by Anonymous
Been with bf for 4 years. I got pregnant in august and terminated the pregnancy at 9 weeks, which was last week. I told him that I'm pregnant and he told me he really wanted me to keep it I said no because we're far too young and I want to go to uni this year.

I know he's really upset, he doesn't know I've had the abortion I want to tell him I lost the baby. What shall I do?


Are you planning to stay with him at uni - is he a long term boyfriend?

Although I am not a fan of abortion, I fully support your right to have one and you have probably done the right thing.

You have several choices

1. Just tell him you had a miscarriage - the symptoms etc are much the same as an abortion - bleeding, cramping etc.

2. Tell him you had an abortion because you are not ready for a baby. You want to go to university and just because you had an abortion does not mean you do not care for him. At the end of the day the burden of childcare invariably falls on the female.

3. Console yourself with the fact that one out of every two pregnancies ends in a miscarriage - yours might have been one of those.


It is a difficult one - for me and only for me I would tell the truth, because lies have a chance of biting you on the bum. I cannot tell you want would be the best option for you.
wow, good luck with whatever you decide to do .... but the truth is always the best course of action.
Don't lie to him. He at least deserves the truth.
if you could lie to your partner for the rest of your life and feel okay with it you can't love or respect him that much and if you couldn't he will find out eventually so you may as well tell him now as he will only be more angry with you for lying in the first instance

you should really have been honest with him in the first place, he may have understood and come round to the idea if you'd explained how strongly you felt but I imagine he will be very angry to find out you aborted his child against his wishes and didn't even bother to talk to him about it
How old are you?

Don't lie to him. He's was the father and deserves to know the truth.
Reply 6
He deserves the truth, even if it will really hurt him. Relationships can't last with lies as big as this being hidden.

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Reply 7
You've got to be honest...
He deserves the truth. I think it was pretty horrible to go ahead and do it without talking him in the first place, if I was a guy and you were my gf I'd break up with you - that kid was half his.
Reply 9
Original post by joker12345
He deserves the truth. I think it was pretty horrible to go ahead and do it without talking him in the first place, if I was a guy and you were my gf I'd break up with you - that kid was half his.


This^ and you can't keep this from him because it will eat away at you which is going to be a lot worse than his reaction. He deserves to know and make the choice of whether he still wants to be with you (personally I can see why you did it but if you went behind my back like that then I'd break up with you).
I wouldn't lie to your bf you owe him That much. Be sure to tell him why you did it and hopefully he'll understand - secrets ruin a relationship and the guilt will creep in if you lie and say it was a miscarriage:frown: I'm sure if you explain how much uni means to you right now and having a kid would of messed that up but it's not to say you can try again later after you've graduated from university and more settled in your future for a family together. Best of luck :smile:

Admittedly I did keep a possible miscarriage to myself at uni and didn't tell my bf or my mum but that was bcos i thought I could cope alone. but finding out when I thought I was pregnant i held back telling my bf as it would of been bad timing bcos we were going thru a tough time and so much was going on to see him let-alone tell him.

Trust your bf and keep the channels of communication going :smile: (hugs) and good luck.


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(edited 9 years ago)
Well it looks like you guys are breaking up.
Don't lie to you boyfriend, you did what was best for you. I'm guessing you are around 17-18(as you said you hoped to go to university) so if you're feel too young and you want a career then you made the right choice. You would be the one who had to carry it around for 9 months, give birth and take care of it for 20+ years. Hope it goes well.
Original post by squeakysquirrel

3. Console yourself with the fact that one out of every two pregnancies ends in a miscarriage - yours might have been one of those.

Woah, that can't be true. Half of all pregnancies?


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Reply 14
Original post by Anonymous
Don't lie to you boyfriend, you did what was best for you. I'm guessing you are around 17-18(as you said you hoped to go to university) so if you're feel too young and you want a career then you made the right choice. You would be the one who had to carry it around for 9 months, give birth and take care of it for 20+ years. Hope it goes well.


I don't agree with that. Times have changed. People have children young now and have great support systems whilst they finish school etc.

I had a very good friend when I was in year 11 who was in the year above me. She fell pregnant whilst on the pill ( no idea how - but it happens). She kept the baby, had great support from her BF's family and her mother also. She got AAA at A-Levels, and went on to study Law. She decided she wouldn't go down the law path and now works as a manager at HSBC. She done great for herself and I bumped into her a few weeks back - she is getting married next summer.

Things in life happen - there are always options and ways around things.
Original post by Musie Suzie
Woah, that can't be true. Half of all pregnancies?


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Something like that - a lot of the time it happens before the woman even knows she was pregnant and she might never realise that she was.

OP, you should be honest with him, although I can understand why you might feel the way you do and why you might want to lie. At the end of the day, the child was his too and you should have talked to him beforehand. But having a child is a huge responsibility. Never mind you not wanting to go through with the pregnancy - that's just 9 months, and you have years of caring for it and providing for it after that. It's not a decision that should be taken lightly and it doesn't sound like you were ready to take on that responsibility at this moment in time.

Tell him that you were scared he'd try and stop you from having an abortion, and that you would like to have children with him, but in the future - now is not the right time. He will be hurt and would be justified in breaking up with you for going behind his back, but there may still be a way to salvage it. Either way it's not an easy situation.
You've got to tell him the truth. You were completely within your rights to have an abortion, it's your body and you have control over it - I think this is something you should have discussed with him beforehand, but that's a moot point now - but you can't lie about it. He deserves the truth, and a relationship can't stay healthy under the weight of a lie like that. Tell him what you did, tell him why you did it: as much as you can, don't lie, don't cover up, and don't omit. That's the only way you can go forward and keep your relationship honest.

I hope you both get through this okay, and good luck.
Original post by joker12345
He deserves the truth. I think it was pretty horrible to go ahead and do it without talking him in the first place, if I was a guy and you were my gf I'd break up with you - that kid was half his.


This is rare but I agree with you.

OP if you're ready for sex then you should be ready for the consequences and that includes telling your boyfriend about the abortion. Just remember that secrets don't stay like that forever.

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Tell him the truth so he can make a decision on whether he wants to continue in a relationship with someone willing to kill his child
Original post by Musie Suzie
Woah, that can't be true. Half of all pregnancies?


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Yes - the figures vary according to age and many women don't even know they are pregnant before they have what they think is a heavy period.

http://www.colchesterhospital.nhs.uk/obs_miscarriage.shtml


I myself have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages so there you go

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