Upset with guy I'm dating - about something I shouldn't know
Hello,
I'm stressing out this morning about this situation and would love some help. It's a little complex sorry.
I've recently met this guy and we've been on 4 dates in 2 weeks, started messaging every day and it's just going really well. We've planned several dates in advance and I could see this developing. He's very shy in some ways and so am I but I quite like that - it means we didn't even kiss until the fourth date and I get the feeling we're both happy to take it slow but having a really good time.
But I have to admit I met him online... well, Tinder... I have no problem with any form of online dating because I think I'm really careful. I was pretty nervous about meeting him so with the limited info I had about him (job, location, first name) I googled him to make sure I wasn't meeting up with a weirdo.
I found his Facebook pretty easily but it said he was in a relationship. However, he had told me his friend had moved out of his house a few weeks ago and I kind of realised that this must be a relationship that's just broken up and it was his girlfriend who actually moved out. I didn't feel easy about it but decided it was none of my business so I'd forget about it. It also explains why he's nervous - he probably hasn't dated in more than 5 years.
After a couple of dates I wanted to check again just to be sure that he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend or anything bad and I was happy to see he was no longer in a relationship. I looked at his ex's page and she's moved quite far away to another country (trying to keep this anon and vague...). So that's OK. I don't know the circumstances of the move/break up but she's no longer living here.
Then yesterday we had a lovely date. Afterwards he messaged me and said something about how he couldn't believe this hadn't come up in conversation but next weekend he is visiting said far away country to visit a friend. So now I know he is visiting the girl he broke up with in the last 6 weeks or so but has clearly been with for years. I understand why he wouldn't want me to know that, we're not at the stage to talk about past relationships, but it's making me really uneasy. He clearly mentioned it via message instead to in person to avoid an awkward conversation. I tried to casually ask about his 'friend' but he gave very little info.
If I didn't know this then everything would be perfect. His last few messages to me have been about what a great time he's having, he can't wait to see me again, etc but I haven't replied because I don't know what to say.
Quite simply, I shouldn't know this info. And I don't particularly want to - I googled him to make sure he wasn't a weirdo but then it was very difficult to not look further when i could see possibilities he was cheating. He has now told me his surname as well and this info is still possible to find, it's just not glaringly obvious on his profile any more if that makes sense..
Part of me feels I shouldn't say anything - I should continue to give him benefit of the doubt and hope they're just great friends... but it's a very recent break up and only a few weeks later he's flying a long way to see her. There must still be feelings there? But if I say something I look like a stalker.
I should mention that I've been cheated on before, I've really attracted some people who have treated me horribly and I do become paranoid about things like that - but pretty much every time I've became paranoid and looked at things like this online, I'm right to be suspicious of things.
I genuinely think he's a nice guy, he's lovely and sweet. But I've been tricked by that before. You shouldn't project issues with past partners onto new partners, but I can't help but feel I know how this is going. If he's a bad guy then I don't know how to trust anyone - I picked him because he's so different to people I've dated before, older than me and much more mature.
Should I try and tell him I know he is going to visit his ex girlfriend and not just a friend? Or do I just pretend I don't know because I shouldn't? Or do I just end things - in which case, I don't know how because it's gone so well I could end up hurting him if I don't give an explanation.
TL;DR? The guy I'm dating is flying to another country to see his girlfriend he's recently broken up with. He's never told me about this girlfriend, I just know through looking at Facebook so shouldn't know about it.
I'm stressing out this morning about this situation and would love some help. It's a little complex sorry.
I've recently met this guy and we've been on 4 dates in 2 weeks, started messaging every day and it's just going really well. We've planned several dates in advance and I could see this developing. He's very shy in some ways and so am I but I quite like that - it means we didn't even kiss until the fourth date and I get the feeling we're both happy to take it slow but having a really good time.
But I have to admit I met him online... well, Tinder... I have no problem with any form of online dating because I think I'm really careful. I was pretty nervous about meeting him so with the limited info I had about him (job, location, first name) I googled him to make sure I wasn't meeting up with a weirdo.
I found his Facebook pretty easily but it said he was in a relationship. However, he had told me his friend had moved out of his house a few weeks ago and I kind of realised that this must be a relationship that's just broken up and it was his girlfriend who actually moved out. I didn't feel easy about it but decided it was none of my business so I'd forget about it. It also explains why he's nervous - he probably hasn't dated in more than 5 years.
After a couple of dates I wanted to check again just to be sure that he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend or anything bad and I was happy to see he was no longer in a relationship. I looked at his ex's page and she's moved quite far away to another country (trying to keep this anon and vague...). So that's OK. I don't know the circumstances of the move/break up but she's no longer living here.
Then yesterday we had a lovely date. Afterwards he messaged me and said something about how he couldn't believe this hadn't come up in conversation but next weekend he is visiting said far away country to visit a friend. So now I know he is visiting the girl he broke up with in the last 6 weeks or so but has clearly been with for years. I understand why he wouldn't want me to know that, we're not at the stage to talk about past relationships, but it's making me really uneasy. He clearly mentioned it via message instead to in person to avoid an awkward conversation. I tried to casually ask about his 'friend' but he gave very little info.
If I didn't know this then everything would be perfect. His last few messages to me have been about what a great time he's having, he can't wait to see me again, etc but I haven't replied because I don't know what to say.
Quite simply, I shouldn't know this info. And I don't particularly want to - I googled him to make sure he wasn't a weirdo but then it was very difficult to not look further when i could see possibilities he was cheating. He has now told me his surname as well and this info is still possible to find, it's just not glaringly obvious on his profile any more if that makes sense..
Part of me feels I shouldn't say anything - I should continue to give him benefit of the doubt and hope they're just great friends... but it's a very recent break up and only a few weeks later he's flying a long way to see her. There must still be feelings there? But if I say something I look like a stalker.
I should mention that I've been cheated on before, I've really attracted some people who have treated me horribly and I do become paranoid about things like that - but pretty much every time I've became paranoid and looked at things like this online, I'm right to be suspicious of things.
I genuinely think he's a nice guy, he's lovely and sweet. But I've been tricked by that before. You shouldn't project issues with past partners onto new partners, but I can't help but feel I know how this is going. If he's a bad guy then I don't know how to trust anyone - I picked him because he's so different to people I've dated before, older than me and much more mature.
Should I try and tell him I know he is going to visit his ex girlfriend and not just a friend? Or do I just pretend I don't know because I shouldn't? Or do I just end things - in which case, I don't know how because it's gone so well I could end up hurting him if I don't give an explanation.
TL;DR? The guy I'm dating is flying to another country to see his girlfriend he's recently broken up with. He's never told me about this girlfriend, I just know through looking at Facebook so shouldn't know about it.
Scroll to see replies
Just be honest with him and ask?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
A lot of people check out someones facebook, not sure if its more of a girl thing (just as i know me and my friends do it, and no idea if the blokes we date do haha)- but i dont think youre the only one! The matter of whether to say anything is an interesting one, it can come across as creepy and a bit stifling sometimes, as in 'oh i checked out your fb and you are off to see your ex'. You could always just talk to him about where he is going, what he is planning to do and why that country in particular, you can probably get a lot of info out of him that way. Its hard to know, they might still be friends, he might have been planning it before they broke up, maybe it is a coincidence etc.
I would play it by ear, the 4th date isnt overly serious but at the same time its shady if he is still with her but has a girlfriend back here to keep him entertained. Life is all about taking risks, just have to decide if he is worth it. I wouldn't bother from personal experience, many times hunches prove to be correct, but i am just cynical.
I would play it by ear, the 4th date isnt overly serious but at the same time its shady if he is still with her but has a girlfriend back here to keep him entertained. Life is all about taking risks, just have to decide if he is worth it. I wouldn't bother from personal experience, many times hunches prove to be correct, but i am just cynical.
Original post by RachelFiveee
A lot of people check out someones facebook, not sure if its more of a girl thing (just as i know me and my friends do it, and no idea if the blokes we date do haha)- but i dont think youre the only one! The matter of whether to say anything is an interesting one, it can come across as creepy and a bit stifling sometimes, as in 'oh i checked out your fb and you are off to see your ex'. You could always just talk to him about where he is going, what he is planning to do and why that country in particular, you can probably get a lot of info out of him that way. Its hard to know, they might still be friends, he might have been planning it before they broke up, maybe it is a coincidence etc.
I would play it by ear, the 4th date isnt overly serious but at the same time its shady if he is still with her but has a girlfriend back here to keep him entertained. Life is all about taking risks, just have to decide if he is worth it. I wouldn't bother from personal experience, many times hunches prove to be correct, but i am just cynical.
I would play it by ear, the 4th date isnt overly serious but at the same time its shady if he is still with her but has a girlfriend back here to keep him entertained. Life is all about taking risks, just have to decide if he is worth it. I wouldn't bother from personal experience, many times hunches prove to be correct, but i am just cynical.
I think we do it more to know what sort of stuff you like so we can impress you than doing it as a background check. At least I know I don't but I know some guys that do
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by RachelFiveee
A lot of people check out someones facebook, not sure if its more of a girl thing (just as i know me and my friends do it, and no idea if the blokes we date do haha)- but i dont think youre the only one! The matter of whether to say anything is an interesting one, it can come across as creepy and a bit stifling sometimes, as in 'oh i checked out your fb and you are off to see your ex'. You could always just talk to him about where he is going, what he is planning to do and why that country in particular, you can probably get a lot of info out of him that way. Its hard to know, they might still be friends, he might have been planning it before they broke up, maybe it is a coincidence etc.
I would play it by ear, the 4th date isnt overly serious but at the same time its shady if he is still with her but has a girlfriend back here to keep him entertained. Life is all about taking risks, just have to decide if he is worth it. I wouldn't bother from personal experience, many times hunches prove to be correct, but i am just cynical.
I would play it by ear, the 4th date isnt overly serious but at the same time its shady if he is still with her but has a girlfriend back here to keep him entertained. Life is all about taking risks, just have to decide if he is worth it. I wouldn't bother from personal experience, many times hunches prove to be correct, but i am just cynical.
Thank you! Glad it's not just me - I feel bad because I've checked more than once and looked at his girlfriend's page but I didn't again when I could see they were no longer in a relationship and she had moved.
Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss!
Also, when I first started talking to him a few weeks ago he mentioned how he didn't have any holidays planned for the rest of the year. So either he decided not to mention this until just before he went or it's last minute plans...
Ugh, really don't know whether to mention it or not. Some people are able to remain good, platonic friends with their ex-partners. But I feel like that's very rare...
Original post by Enoxial
Excuse me while I go and change my Facebook privacy settings...
This was all incredibly easy to find with strict privacy settings on their profiles. Facebook is a bitch, it doesn't let you forget about your past easily.
This is difficult. The fact he is going all the way to another country to meet up with his ex when they've only just broken up seems a bit strange. You need to confront him, it's probably better to embarrass yourself a little bit by saying you looked him up on Facebook (tbh who wouldn't do that before meeting a stranger) than to find yourself being strung along while he is in some long distance thing with this girl.
I don't see why he couldn't have been honest in the first place, you were bound to find out sooner or later
I don't see why he couldn't have been honest in the first place, you were bound to find out sooner or later
Well... that's what you get for snooping and this is what he gets for needlessly making personal info available online.
Ignorance is bliss in the short run, but it pays to be informed or be alert to the possibility that all is not what it may seem. I think if he is going abroad to visit his ex so soon after splitting up, there's more to it ie they may be trying to repair the relationship.
In reality though you could carry this dating on and see what happens, as she lives in another country its a bit difficult for him to be sneaking off cheating on you with her without you knowing.
I think this is a situation where the truth will reveal itself over time, just be aware (as you seem to be) that there's a risk of disappointment here.
In reality though you could carry this dating on and see what happens, as she lives in another country its a bit difficult for him to be sneaking off cheating on you with her without you knowing.
I think this is a situation where the truth will reveal itself over time, just be aware (as you seem to be) that there's a risk of disappointment here.
Well if he is dating you I can't understand why he would go off to another country to go see his ex, all seems a bit fishy to me.
Original post by jam277
Maybe they broke up beforehand and the guy had already bought tickets to see her there. You never know.
Too early to make assumptions, see how he acts after the trip.
Too early to make assumptions, see how he acts after the trip.
You could well be right, it would make sense. And it is difficult for him to tell me this stuff when we've only been seeing each other a matter of weeks.
The problem is I won't be able to act normal with him knowing what I know. Ugh, think I have to confront him but I'm pretty sure that marks the end of us seeing each other.
I think many if not most people check others out online, you didnt have to dig around for this it was readily available info. I think its a bit odd that they just broke up after a long time and now he has arranged a trip to see her. If it was me I would definitely ask him about it, dont be embarrassed, you were not snooping just interested and making a reasonable check on someone you met on Tinder.
Firstly, you guys are dating not actually in a relationship. This is quite important because he may be the type of person that doesn't see having sex with others while dating someone else an issue.
It's always difficult to give people well informed- good advice because people over the internet don't ever have the full picture and the story is always one sided so the reader becomes biased and on this site often narrow minded. On paper situations seem simple but in real life they're often a lot more complex. Here goes anyway.
You don't really know enough to make an informed call about the situation, personally I'd just let him go or if that's too much for you just be straight up with him- If people were straight-up about things most problems would sort themselves. Also I don't use Tinder but I agree with most that it's probably not a big deal to admit you looked him up out of curiosity and safety.
I'm friends with ex and would consider traveling to see her, not to another country tbf but again I don't know anything about this guy. They could have been friends for 10+ years and grown up together etc, also as Jam says they could have planned this a while ago.
I can see why you're uneasy and trust has to be earned but to act distrustful isn't great either. It's the intention that counts more than action anyway, if he wants to have sex with her (if that is what you're worried about) then you trying to stop it makes no difference to the actual situation because you're still dating someone who is willing to do at this moment in time.
It's always difficult to give people well informed- good advice because people over the internet don't ever have the full picture and the story is always one sided so the reader becomes biased and on this site often narrow minded. On paper situations seem simple but in real life they're often a lot more complex. Here goes anyway.
You don't really know enough to make an informed call about the situation, personally I'd just let him go or if that's too much for you just be straight up with him- If people were straight-up about things most problems would sort themselves. Also I don't use Tinder but I agree with most that it's probably not a big deal to admit you looked him up out of curiosity and safety.
I'm friends with ex and would consider traveling to see her, not to another country tbf but again I don't know anything about this guy. They could have been friends for 10+ years and grown up together etc, also as Jam says they could have planned this a while ago.
I can see why you're uneasy and trust has to be earned but to act distrustful isn't great either. It's the intention that counts more than action anyway, if he wants to have sex with her (if that is what you're worried about) then you trying to stop it makes no difference to the actual situation because you're still dating someone who is willing to do at this moment in time.
(edited 9 years ago)
I think you should just be upfront; explain you had a look online because you were apprehensive about meeting someone from online for the first time, and that you wanted to make sure he was who he said he was. That's totally fair enough, and no-one reasonable would be annoyed with you for that. Then just explain you found out more than you were looking for, and you'd like clarification of the situation from him, as you really like him but want to know where his head is at the moment.
Good luck!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Good luck!
Posted from TSR Mobile
You didn't kiss until the fourth date, you can't expect exclusivity at this stage so if he wants to see his ex at this stage there's nothing wrong with it.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Should I be upset with my boyfriend?
- Don't know what to say about this girl?
- I found out my gf has a onlyfans
- Online Dating Apps
- I think he has decided to stop talking to me. I am in unimaginable. What do I do?
- Bf is always late when we meet
- My Best Friend is still friends with the person who SA'd me. What should I do?
- Was that French woman ignoring me or is it her earphones?
- Confused.
- My boyfriend hasn’t invited me to his family meal for his birthday?
- Girlfriend going through liked videos
- He's asked me if I'm ok
- Change my outlook
- Not sure
- Guy called me horrible names when I rejected him
- First ever date with a girl gone wrong, need advice 22f
- weirded "relationship" ever
- Treating my new boyfriend worse than how I treated my ex
- Losing my bestfriend
- Relationship
Latest
Trending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
