He's Perfect But He Does Drugs...
I'm 21, and recently met this 30 year old guy whom I hit it off with. We flirt all the time and he's really kind and sweet which is important to me (he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met - e.g. we were catching the bus the other day and he gave an old lady some change for it b/c she couldn't find her purse.) He's quite handsome too, and in my experience someone being that good looking, nice and single is rare!
He seems very into me, but there's one thing: he does drugs, which I find a major turn off. We were talking to another friend the other day, who said that they shouldn't be decriminalised, and then the guy I like said that, actually drugs aren't all that bad, and said that he did them as well, occasionally, but never to dangerous levels. He's into the whole indie music scene, which might explain it, I guess (a lot of his friends are into that too and do drugs).
I didn't want to sound like I was interrogating him so left it at that, but to be honest I am not sure if I could date someone who did drugs even if it was at supposedly "safe" levels and very occasionally. He is a very decent guy in loads of other ways (he spends his spare time doing stuff like campaigning for gay rights and so on, even though he's not gay).
Am I being too fussy here?
He seems very into me, but there's one thing: he does drugs, which I find a major turn off. We were talking to another friend the other day, who said that they shouldn't be decriminalised, and then the guy I like said that, actually drugs aren't all that bad, and said that he did them as well, occasionally, but never to dangerous levels. He's into the whole indie music scene, which might explain it, I guess (a lot of his friends are into that too and do drugs).
I didn't want to sound like I was interrogating him so left it at that, but to be honest I am not sure if I could date someone who did drugs even if it was at supposedly "safe" levels and very occasionally. He is a very decent guy in loads of other ways (he spends his spare time doing stuff like campaigning for gay rights and so on, even though he's not gay).
Am I being too fussy here?
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[QUOTE="Anonymous;51013703"]I'm 21, and recently met this 30 year old guy whom I hit it off with. We flirt all the time and he's really kind and sweet which is important to me (he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met - e.g. we were catching the bus the other day and he gave an old lady some change for it b/c she couldn't find her purse.) He's quite handsome too, and in my experience someone being that good looking, nice and single is rare!
He seems very into me, but there's one thing: he does drugs, which I find a major turn off. We were talking to another friend the other day, who said that they shouldn't be decriminalised, and then the guy I like said that, actually drugs aren't all that bad, and said that he did them as well, occasionally, but never to dangerous levels. He's into the whole indie music scene, which might explain it, I guess (a lot of his friends are into that too and do drugs).
I didn't want to sound like I was interrogating him so left it at that, but to be honest I am not sure if I could date someone who did drugs even if it was at supposedly "safe" levels and very occasionally. He is a very decent guy in loads of other ways (he spends his spare time doing stuff like campaigning for gay rights and so on, even though he's not gay).
Am I being too fussy here?
[/QUOTE
Sweetie you sound like me about 3 years ago
you do get used to it. You just have to assess if it's a deal breaker or not for you. It wasn't for me and I hoped that being with me would have a calming influence on him and he would eventually stop. He did
He seems very into me, but there's one thing: he does drugs, which I find a major turn off. We were talking to another friend the other day, who said that they shouldn't be decriminalised, and then the guy I like said that, actually drugs aren't all that bad, and said that he did them as well, occasionally, but never to dangerous levels. He's into the whole indie music scene, which might explain it, I guess (a lot of his friends are into that too and do drugs).
I didn't want to sound like I was interrogating him so left it at that, but to be honest I am not sure if I could date someone who did drugs even if it was at supposedly "safe" levels and very occasionally. He is a very decent guy in loads of other ways (he spends his spare time doing stuff like campaigning for gay rights and so on, even though he's not gay).
Am I being too fussy here?
[/QUOTE
Sweetie you sound like me about 3 years ago
you do get used to it. You just have to assess if it's a deal breaker or not for you. It wasn't for me and I hoped that being with me would have a calming influence on him and he would eventually stop. He did 
Original post by Anonymous
Sweetie you sound like me about 3 years ago you do get used to it. You just have to assess if it's a deal breaker or not for you. It wasn't for me and I hoped that being with me would have a calming influence on him and he would eventually stop. He did
you do get used to it. You just have to assess if it's a deal breaker or not for you. It wasn't for me and I hoped that being with me would have a calming influence on him and he would eventually stop. He did Thanks hun
Yeah, I don't think he'll stop TBH. He is laid back in some ways but was fairly strong minded when arguing about this with his friend. I don't want to try to be the person who stops him either, that's not the kind of relationship I want
Some of my flatmates at uni smoked weed and ended up really resenting me b/c I wouldn't hang out with them then due to the tobacco they were also smoking.Gax
He might end up convincing you to do the drugs with him...
He respects me and doesn't pressure me about things so I don't think he'd do that. If he got caught with the drugs and I was around too, though, it would spell the end of my career if people thought I was also doing them. (Don't want to say exactly what I work as b/c I have friends on TSR, but it's an industry where reputation and following the law are paramount).
He respects me and doesn't pressure me about things so I don't think he'd do that. If he got caught with the drugs and I was around too, though, it would spell the end of my career if people thought I was also doing them. (Don't want to say exactly what I work as b/c I have friends on TSR, but it's an industry where reputation and following the law are paramount).
If you have a problem with it, then don't take it further.
If you want to know whether you should have a problem with it, I don't think you should in this case. He seems nice, and drugs might be very occasional and just a small hit.
If you want to know whether you should have a problem with it, I don't think you should in this case. He seems nice, and drugs might be very occasional and just a small hit.
Original post by L'Evil Fish
If you have a problem with it, then don't take it further.
If you want to know whether you should have a problem with it, I don't think you should in this case. He seems nice, and drugs might be very occasional and just a small hit.
If you want to know whether you should have a problem with it, I don't think you should in this case. He seems nice, and drugs might be very occasional and just a small hit.
Yeah, that's what I was asking
thanksHe does seem like a decent guy overall, definitely. In my experience from uni, though, people who take drugs often seem to have a different viewpoint on them from those who don't, and it can sometimes lead to resentment etc.
There's also the whole reputation thing if people thought I was doing them too (please see my post above)
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks hun
Yeah, I don't think he'll stop TBH. He is laid back in some ways but was fairly strong minded when arguing about this with his friend. I don't want to try to be the person who stops him either, that's not the kind of relationship I want Some of my flatmates at uni smoked weed and ended up really resenting me b/c I wouldn't hang out with them then due to the tobacco they were also smoking.
Yeah, I don't think he'll stop TBH. He is laid back in some ways but was fairly strong minded when arguing about this with his friend. I don't want to try to be the person who stops him either, that's not the kind of relationship I want
Some of my flatmates at uni smoked weed and ended up really resenting me b/c I wouldn't hang out with them then due to the tobacco they were also smoking.Okay I fibbed a bit my otherbdhasn't stopped but he does it to a much much much much lesser degree. And I did try it myself and realised actually it's not the most evil thing in the world. As long as him doing it doesn't interfere with my relationship with him and he never ever puts himself at risk of physical/mental health problems, I don't mind if he does it once in a while.the good in him outweighs this imo. And I truly believe I'm with the man I'm meant to be with forever.
I really think it's down to your personal views now
could you get used to it? Or come to a small compromise maybe? Or just see how things go with him?
why is casual drug use bad? if alcohol use is acceptable, why not drugs? is it their illegality?
"Does drugs" covers a whole range of possibilities. Someone who smokes a joint once every few weeks is a world apart from a heroin addict shooting up in an alleyway.
Whether it's an issue for you depends on the extent of his habit and how it affects his behaviour towards you and your relationship.
Whether it's an issue for you depends on the extent of his habit and how it affects his behaviour towards you and your relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
Okay I fibbed a bit my otherbdhasn't stopped but he does it to a much much much much lesser degree. And I did try it myself and realised actually it's not the most evil thing in the world. As long as him doing it doesn't interfere with my relationship with him and he never ever puts himself at risk of physical/mental health problems, I don't mind if he does it once in a while.the good in him outweighs this imo. And I truly believe I'm with the man I'm meant to be with forever.
I really think it's down to your personal views now could you get used to it? Or come to a small compromise maybe? Or just see how things go with him?
I really think it's down to your personal views now
could you get used to it? Or come to a small compromise maybe? Or just see how things go with him?Ah no worries
Thanks for your advice again, glad to hear it's going so well!Yeah, I might just "see how things go". I don't really want to lead him on and then realise it is a deal breaker though, it would be unfair from my POV to try to change him when I already know he does them.
zippity.doodah
why is casual drug use bad? if alcohol use is acceptable, why not drugs? is it their illegality?
See my posts above. My concerns are (1) the fact drug users often end up resenting non drug takers (as evidenced by that Spyro person's severely butthurt posts above in response to a totally reasonable OP) - possibly because they see it as a personal attack and (2) the whole reputation thing. If he were caught (he does it outside apparently too, at gigs and stuff) and I were around it could affect my career a lot if people thought I'd done it too.
As for legality I dont make the law, whether drugs should be legal when alcohol is would be an interesting thread but is more one for the Society forums.
See my posts above. My concerns are (1) the fact drug users often end up resenting non drug takers (as evidenced by that Spyro person's severely butthurt posts above in response to a totally reasonable OP) - possibly because they see it as a personal attack and (2) the whole reputation thing. If he were caught (he does it outside apparently too, at gigs and stuff) and I were around it could affect my career a lot if people thought I'd done it too.
As for legality I dont make the law, whether drugs should be legal when alcohol is would be an interesting thread but is more one for the Society forums.
Original post by Helenia
"Does drugs" covers a whole range of possibilities. Someone who smokes a joint once every few weeks is a world apart from a heroin addict shooting up in an alleyway.
Whether it's an issue for you depends on the extent of his habit and how it affects his behaviour towards you and your relationship.
Whether it's an issue for you depends on the extent of his habit and how it affects his behaviour towards you and your relationship.
Yeah, I didn't want to push the issue too much as it was clearly something he feels strongly about. He's definitely not a heroin addict or something, but I really don't know beyond that. I know some of his close friends on the indie music scene do stuff like smoke weed and sniff stuff.
I don't think he'd pressure me into doing them, I know that much about him
but these are my worries: (1) the fact drug users often end up resenting non drug takers - possibly because they see it as a personal attack and (2) the whole reputation thing. If he were caught (he does it outside apparently too, at gigs and stuff) and I were around it could affect my career a lot if people thought I'd done it too.
I work in an industry where reputation is paramount, so I can't really afford getting cautioned for drugs (if, say, I was around when he took them outside) or even people thinking that I do them
I work in an industry where reputation is paramount, so I can't really afford getting cautioned for drugs (if, say, I was around when he took them outside) or even people thinking that I do them
Say you don't want to be around him when he's doing them, or that you'd like him to be discreet about it.
This guy sounds awesome, maybe in 1-2 years time he might stop and start a family etc.
Original post by L'Evil Fish
Say you don't want to be around him when he's doing them, or that you'd like him to be discreet about it.
Totally do this!
And other than that, just relax see how it goes make sure he respects your boundaries and it should work okay fine
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah, I didn't want to push the issue too much as it was clearly something he feels strongly about. He's definitely not a heroin addict or something, but I really don't know beyond that. I know some of his close friends on the indie music scene do stuff like smoke weed and sniff stuff.
I don't think he'd pressure me into doing them, I know that much about him but these are my worries:
I work in an industry where reputation is paramount, so I can't really afford getting cautioned for drugs (if, say, I was around when he took them outside) or even people thinking that I do them
I don't think he'd pressure me into doing them, I know that much about him
but these are my worries:I work in an industry where reputation is paramount, so I can't really afford getting cautioned for drugs (if, say, I was around when he took them outside) or even people thinking that I do them
If it's possible to separate yourself and your relationship from his drug use, then go down that route. Say you won't have them in your house, and don't want to be around him when he's using. If that is too restrictive then you both need to assess your priorities.
Original post by L'Evil Fish
Say you don't want to be around him when he's doing them, or that you'd like him to be discreet about it.
That's a good idea
Wouldn't it sound like I was trying to control him a bit if I asked him to be "discreet" though? Or that I resented his doing them if I didn't want to be around him then? (I had almost the exact same issues with my flatmates at uni who did drugs, although they were just friends so it was slightly different. They were nice people, but they saw my not hanging out with them when they smoked weed and tobacco as being rude).Original post by abbasahmed786
This guy sounds awesome, maybe in 1-2 years time he might stop and start a family etc.
Thanks, but there's no guarantee he'll stop TBH
Apart from the drugs he would be good boyfriend material IMO (though he's a bit childish for his age at times...) but I can't see him falling out of love with indie music and that whole scene at any point, and that is where I think he started doing drugs in the first place - with his friends there.Original post by Anonymous
That's a good idea Wouldn't it sound like I was trying to control him a bit if I asked him to be "discreet" though? Or that I resented his doing them if I didn't want to be around him then? (I had almost the exact same issues with my flatmates at uni who did drugs, although they were just friends so it was slightly different. They were nice people, but they saw my not hanging out with them when they smoked weed and tobacco as being rude).
Wouldn't it sound like I was trying to control him a bit if I asked him to be "discreet" though? Or that I resented his doing them if I didn't want to be around him then? (I had almost the exact same issues with my flatmates at uni who did drugs, although they were just friends so it was slightly different. They were nice people, but they saw my not hanging out with them when they smoked weed and tobacco as being rude).Just say you don't mind it, just you feel a bit uncomfortable around it. You're not exactly judging them for doing it, just don't want to be present.
He will understand the he discreet part if you mention your job and how it's all about that.
Original post by Anonymous
Totally do this!
And other than that, just relax see how it goes make sure he respects your boundaries and it should work okay fine
And other than that, just relax see how it goes make sure he respects your boundaries and it should work okay fine
Thanks again
Any tips from someone who's been there on how to get him to respect my boundaries, should we end up dating? How do I bring it up tactfully/without sounding like I'm judging him or something?
What are drugs for if nobody takes them?
Take them once in a while and responsibly. There's nothing immoral about it.
Take them once in a while and responsibly. There's nothing immoral about it.
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