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English Lang - Victorian HELP

Hello everyone,

English isnt my best subject and as part of our course we need to write a creative piece. The theme was 'victorian ghost story' - I've written my draft and my english teacher says it's a B at the moment.

Is anyone willing to look over it and:

- Add as much as you can (dont be afraid to add things)
- Correct and obvious grammar mistakes.

Basically make it an A-A*

I really appreciate it - thanks in advance:


The captivating mansion hid behind the tall, apathetic trees. I was indifferent to the powerful wind that pierced through my skin, leaving behind an ensemble of eerie, disconcerting whistles. I nervously glanced round. I couldn’t help overthinking subtle sounds: The high pitched squawk sent my pulse racing and the constant ticking from my rusty brass watch that hanged from my silk trouser pocket, sent shivers down my spine. It was a cold morning – it had a bitter smell to it. The wind brushed the sides of my face. I was wearing a double breasted silk suit along with a cotton shirt that hung awkwardly upon my body trapped underneath a navy frock coat that served as a feeble form of protection.
Slowly, I opened the wrought iron gate and began to pick up my pace down the narrow walkway of Marsh house. I had a clearer view of the mansion now although a dirty mist enveloped the majority of the property. All I could clearly make out were the large, glass windows that seemed to stare at me.
The entrance of the mansion immediately struck me with the strong smell of musk from the wooden interior that had me light headed. It housed various shaped furniture covered in a stained, white material. A layer of dust lay perfectly even across it. I straightened my back and took in my surroundings; a large, delicate chandelier hung loosely from the damp, grey ceiling on dangerously placed screws. It looked over the room ominously as I continued to evaluate the mansion. A marble fire place reflected off the Grande mirror, boarded with glowing brass.
A Grand staircase sat in the centre of the room. Sharp, clean cut edges of marble glowed. The dark mahogany railings were perfectly sanded supported by flawlessly carved spiral and….and skulls. I then, spontaneously remembered the odd lady I briefly met at the chapel. She was trembling and sweating – muttering things I didn’t make any sense of. Her bulging, red-shot eyes on her indignant face and her airtight skin worried me while she whispered things to her lifeless baby that she held anxiously in her frail arms. “Stay away from Mr Scofields and the skulls” I remember her stuttering out of fear. It suddenly dawned on me…
I instantly began to zigzag down the spiral of stairs, my shoes clapping loudly against the marble. I rushed past the precariously placed furniture that culminated a screen of dust around me – it made my eyes trickle with tears which stung the sensitive pores when mingling with the sweat on my face. A hard rainfall began as the dull, dense clouds eradicated the radiant shade of blue. Squawks pay over each other as thuds of lightning shatter the glass windows above. My eyes, at this point, still full with tears affecting my already poor vision. I cautiously turned around. Wiped my eyes. And there it was…Disguised behind the branches of overgrown trees and covered in blackened algae.
I angled myself better for a clearer view and stepped onto the damp, unsaturated grass - leaving mud lingering on the bottoms of my silk trousers and tickles from grass, on my exposed ankles. “Scofields Residence.”
Hi there,

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