Please Improve My English

I sat by myself on a cold metal bench at the end of a deserted platform. I watched as the sun slowly passed away beyond the horizon. Blades of sunlight splintered off the ground causing long threads of rays to linger in the air. As the crisp, wintery night slowly approached I wondered when my train would arrive.

A dim light suddenly flickered on above the platform opposite me to reveal a large man; another light sparked on above me. The man wore a tattered fleece and stained tracksuits. A hood concealed his face, leaving a shadow to split across his cheek.

“The train now approaching platform two is not scheduled to stop. Please stand clear of the platform.” The tannoy system boomed across the platform causing me to jump violently on the spot. I looked across to the man. He remained unmoved. I was hit by a blast of wind from the train which hurtled past me like a bullet. Every carriage was a blur that seeped into a continuous line. But when the last carriage vanished, the man ceased to be there.

I uncomfortably shifted in my seat. Clearly I was imagining him, people don’t just vanish. My shaking hands slid towards the outside of my pocket to feel a long hard object. My father told me to take it, but it felt wrong protruding out of my small pockets. My fingers loosely grasped the cool handle to a 12 inch knife.

Out the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Slowly, I twisted my head to see who it was. The head of the hooded, tall man rose from the stairway. My head shot back.

My thoughts were out of control, “It’s him. He’s coming to get me…he’s coming to get me. He’s going to attack me for my wallet!”

In the distance, I heard the tannoy system again. But the blood rushing through my ears deafened my ability to hear. I watched my train slowly pulled up to the platform. I tried to stand up but my legs viciously trembled as I stood up. My feet pulled me to the edge of the platform. My heart began to hurt as it rapidly pounded against my chest.

I felt the man’s presence behind me. Footsteps behind me grew louder. “Excuse me young man you dropped your-”
I loudly screamed is I plunged my knife into him. The man fell back and crashed into the concrete floor. I staggered back and cupped my mouth with my hands. A warm tear rolled down my twitching cheek. The man held in his hand, my wallet.

Reply 1

Hal.E.Lujah

Writing this as a creative piece for a specific exam board or level? :h:

An interestingly written text.

Reply 2

Rebecca_Kathleen

It's a really good text!

Personally? I would suggest making some of your descriptive sentences longer, adding some subclauses into them. You use short sentences quite effectively but they don't stand out as much as they could because your other sentences are quite short?

E.g. Instead of:
"Out the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Slowly, I twisted my head to see who it was. The head of the hooded, tall man rose from the stairway. My head shot back."

Try:
"Having seen movement in the corner of my eye, I slowly twisted my head to see the image of a hooded, tall man rise from the stairway. My head shot back."

I'm not sure if this is a person thing, but it shows that you're using short sentences for effect :smile:

Reply 3

er0529

Here's a re-draft

I sat alone on a cold metal bench at the end of the deserted platform. I watched as the sun slowly passed away beyond the horizon. Blades of sunlight splintered off the ground causing long threads of rays to linger in the air. As the crisp, winter night slowly approached I wondered when my train would arrive.

A dim light suddenly flickered above the platform opposite me to reveal a large man; another light sparked on above me. The man wore a tattered fleece and a stained tracksuit. A hood concealed his face, leaving a shadow to split across his cheek.

“The train is now approaching platform two and is not scheduled to stop. Please stand clear of the platform.” The amplified tannoy boomed across the platform causing me to jump violently on the spot. I looked across to the man. He remained unmoved. Hit by a blast of wind from the train it hurtled past me like a bullet. Every carriage came past like a blur that seeped into a continuous line. But when the last carriage vanished, the man ceased to be there.

I uncomfortably shifted in my seat. Clearly I was imagining him, people don’t just vanish. My shaking hands slid towards the outside of my pocket to feel a long hard object. My father told me to take it, but it felt wrong protruding out of my small pockets. My fingers loosely grasped the cool handle to a 12 inch knife.

Out the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Slowly, I twisted my head to see who it was. The head of the hooded, tall man rose from the stairway. My head shot back.

My thoughts were out of control, “It’s him. He’s coming to get me…he’s coming to get me. He’s going to attack me or try to steal my wallet!”

In the distance, I could hear the tannoy system again. But the blood rushing through my ears deafened my ability to hear. I watched my train leisurely pull up to the platform. I tried to stand up but my legs viciously trembled as I stood up. My feet moved steadily to the edge of the platform. My heart began to hurt as it rapidly pounded against my chest.

I felt the man’s presence behind me. Footsteps grew louder and harder behind me. “Excuse me young man you dropped your-”
I loudly screamed as I plunged my knife into him. The man fell back and crashed into the concrete floor like a game of violent jenga. I staggered back and cupped my mouth with my hands. A warm tear rolled down my twitching cheek. The man held in his hand, my leather bound wallet.

Please Improve My English

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