Ex over me - surprise visit?

Hmm.

As a guy, when ever I've been in a relationship that's ended I've often begged the girl back. But after a few weeks of being rejected I learn to move on, and my feelings soon disappear. Guys tend to want what they can't have.
1.5 months is a fairly decent time for your ex to have gotten over you.
A surprise visit may back fire. Which would be horrible for you.
If you really feel like seeing him in person would change things, I'd at least give him a weeks notice.
If I was you, I'd move on.


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I'm afraid I'd have to agree with the other guy. Breaking up hurts, it has taken a few weeks, and he's got over it, he doesn't want to mess his head up by seeing you again. After he's clearly stated he just wants to be friends, a surprise visit could look kind of desperate.

I think you're just finding it hard to accept your first relationship is over. Seeing as he did "some horrible things", surely you're better off finding a guy who, y'know, won't do horrible things?

He's decided the best thing is to move on- I think he's right, and you should do the same.

You sound exactly how I felt once my first relationship was over. Don't bother trying to meet up, he has made his decision and if he wanted you back he'd have said. Do yourself a favour and try and move on. Also cut all contact if possible. I'm speaking from hindsight here as well, I tried the same thing and it made everything worse and fresh again, so just save yourself the pain and cut your losses, you'll be happier for it, trust me.

He messaged me many times for like months before that when I told him I didn't want it, so on the desperation front I'd have a while to go to reach him. And he cried about it the one time we met up.

You say he doesn't want to mess his head up - well that's pretty much exactly what I want, do you think that'll happen?
Of course that's a part, but it's more than that. We were really, really close. We'd been best friends for years before and there's no way I could be friends with him now, so I've lost everything.

He did, but what we had is ultimately worth more than that now that I've had the time to step back and think. What I really want to know is, what sort of effect do you think seeing me would have? I'm willing to take the risk of putting myself out there because I really, really want this.

Exactly, when he was acting desperate, you found it unattractive and didn't want to get back with him. Now the situation is reversed, he isn't wanting to get back with you. Being extremely needy is rarely a good play (don't believe tv and movies).

See that makes it sound like this is more about your ego, now he's not fawning all over you, you want to get his attention back. Your relationship was so special, yet you want to mess his head up? Hmm.

There's no way I, or anyone else on here, can know how he'll react, but honestly if he's said he doesn't want to see you that way and you just show up, it sounds like it'll just be awkward and you'll look a bit of a fool.

You say you "really, really want this", yet he was desperately trying to get with you for months recently and you were rejecting him? This doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic, it sounds like you just want him now he's available, but if he was really the love of your life I don't think you would have rejected him so persistantly (or he would have done the unspecified "horrible thing" to warrant such behaviour).

It's your first break up, and you're finding it hard to really break the connection. Leave it for a bit, talk to other guys, who knows, you could still get back with this guy in the future. Seeing you going out, being confident and having fun without him is more likely to spark jealousy and reinvigoration of strong feelings than you showing up at his place.

I think he'll think you're toying with him. When you were angry you rejected all his approaches, so he started to move on. Then when his attention towards you stopped, you had lost control. You forgave him but he was no longer looking for your forgiveness. Now you've decided - far too late - that maybe you want to be together after all. Sorry but that boat has sailed. You need to learn from this (for example if you're going to forgive then do so in hours not months) and move on.

The fact that you had planned your future together doesn't actually mean it was a match made in heaven by the way.

It's not because I found it unattractive, I was just really angry/hurt over what he did. The fact that he made the effort is what makes me realise how special it was to an extent.

It really isn't that - I meant mess with his head in the sense that he remembers times together and feels that he still has feelings for me.
He hasn't said he doesn't want to meet me, he suggested a possible meetup actually and when I questioned him he said it'd be good to meet and discuss things, so it's not like he wants me gone, and he definitely wants to remain in contact.

He lied to me quite a few times, and finally when it was over a big thing that was the breaking point for me, I told him so many times to be honest. Thats why I rejected him, I was just so hurt. I thought I'd get over it but I realised that's not happening and the distance made me realise how much I miss him. It really isn't an attention thing, sometimes you realise what you have when you lose it ...

I dont know, in the time that I was uninterested all it did was make him get over me, so if I back off more it'll surely just let him get used to life without me and move on more.

But now suddenly you're totally over that- in fact you're desperate to get him back? You said earlier "I don't understand how he could change from that to this", yet your attitude change seems just as dramatic, if not more.

Well he said he wants to remain friends, so I assume he'd meet with that understanding, but you're talking about something very different.

Well if he was lieing a lot and did "a big thing" (I'm gonna assume that involved something sexual with someone else), why is it you're so keen to get back with him? Is it the idea that you can change him? It's so, so rare that people stay with their first partner. You need some experience to learn and mature. Don't see this as a lost part of your life, presumably you had some good times, learn from it and move on.

I think him getting over you is more to do with time. It gives you perspective, he's probably realising that the happy times you spent together, the bond you had, is something he (and you) can create with other people, it isn't something unique to the two of you, and seeing as your relationship apparantly involved a lot of duplicity, he's probably hopeing to find someone he's able to build something more honest and mature with.

It's not because I found it unattractive, I was just really angry/hurt over what he did. The fact that he made the effort is what makes me realise how special it was to an extent.
It really isn't that - I meant mess with his head in the sense that he remembers times together and feels that he still has feelings for me.
He hasn't said he doesn't want to meet me, he suggested a possible meetup actually and when I questioned him he said it'd be good to meet and discuss things, so it's not like he wants me gone, and he definitely wants to remain in contact.
He lied to me quite a few times, and finally when it was over a big thing that was the breaking point for me, I told him so many times to be honest. Thats why I rejected him, I was just so hurt. I thought I'd get over it but I realised that's not happening and the distance made me realise how much I miss him. It really isn't an attention thing, sometimes you realise what you have when you lose it ...
I dont know, in the time that I was uninterested all it did was make him get over me, so if I back off more it'll surely just let him get used to life without me and move on more.

It's not sudden. As I said, it took time, but the distance made me realise how much I miss him, along with his many apologies and regrets which made me think he really did feel bad and hence wouldn't do that again. I didn't change suddenly, and I haven't begged for him back or anything. He changed in literally a week.

Yes, well I wouldn't just turn up and say let's get back together, I'd obviously judge his reaction and go from there. If he seemed uninterested/unaffected I'd say no more, be friendly and then cut contact when I return. Obviously I'm hoping seeing me and spending time together will remind him of our good times and he'll rethink. I know maybe I reacted badly, but I always thought eventually things would get fixed. So yeah, I guess his attitude change was a massive shock to me and gave me a kick in the sense that it's like now or never.

No, not sexual, not cheating but just deceptive and somewhat inappropriate. It's not that. I don't even want to change him, I want him to stop lying but that's it. I want to get back with him because as I said, I miss him so much and what we had was real and could have lasted. I rarely find people, friends or otherwise, that I can be comfortable with like that and click with. And he was my best friend as well as partner, I really don't think I'll ever find that.

I was never dishonest with him. I guess that's what he realised, it's a shame I feel the opposite. I think he's also got a massive workload and is throwing himself into that so he's got something else to focus on.

Well there has to be a point where you move on, I guess he's reached that point.

Reasonable logic, though there's no reason for the visit to be a surprise, quite the opposite if you want the reason for the visit to be ambiguous initially.

Yet you described it as "terrible"? What did he do? You're saying you don't want to change him, yet you also said you were justified in being angry with him for a long time. It doesn't seem to add up.

I think maybe that's the crux of it- fear of being alone. You've had this experience, the rush, and you're afraid you won't be able to recreate it. Things you've described aren't rare- seeing a long term partner as your best friend is common. Everyone likes to see their relationship as something so special, something rare, but love is common, and that's a great thing, it would be sad if most people never experienced it. You only have experience with this one guy, so to you, he represents all these great feelings. It's a classic teenage thing, you feel this first relationship is going to be forever, nothing will compare, but it's just not the case.

It sounds like you place all the blame on him- whether that's right or not, it doesn't bode well for reconcilliation. I doubt he see's it the same way.