The Student Room Group

Is my partner's laziness normal?

I'm in a long term relationship, but at the moment I'm spending more time at his place, and am realising just how lazy he is.

He won't tidy up after himself, pick up rubbish, or even take his plates to the sink when he's done. Sometimes things can sit there for days.

When he's not working (he works about 16hrs a week) he will stay in bed until gone midday. It's as though the days he's not working, he's just sleeping his life away.

If there's something he needs to get up for, like if we have a day out planned, he can do it. But if he has a free day, or isn't in work until later, he literally achieves nothing. Whereas I'd rather maybe go for a walk or a coffee if we're both off, or go out for lunch or something.

It feels as though he's living the life of a 16 year old, actually. But I don't know how to encourage him to perhaps grow up a little bit and stop just sleeping and sitting doing nothing (says she, on TSR, lol).

I know everyone's different, but it just doesn't seem normal for a grown man to sleep until gone lunchtime. But then again, I never even did that as a teenager, so the whole concept is novel to me anyway!
Reply 1
This sounds exactly like my partner too. It used to annoy me but I have just accepted that is who he is. I type this while he is still asleep atm on his day off from college :tongue:



Posted from TSR Mobile
Being unemployed I have been found myself sleeping in until midday. Doing this for long periods fo time is horrible. The days just merge together. :/
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
I'm in a long term relationship, but at the moment I'm spending more time at his place, and am realising just how lazy he is.

He won't tidy up after himself, pick up rubbish, or even take his plates to the sink when he's done. Sometimes things can sit there for days.

When he's not working (he works about 16hrs a week) he will stay in bed until gone midday. It's as though the days he's not working, he's just sleeping his life away.

If there's something he needs to get up for, like if we have a day out planned, he can do it. But if he has a free day, or isn't in work until later, he literally achieves nothing. Whereas I'd rather maybe go for a walk or a coffee if we're both off, or go out for lunch or something.

It feels as though he's living the life of a 16 year old, actually. But I don't know how to encourage him to perhaps grow up a little bit and stop just sleeping and sitting doing nothing (says she, on TSR, lol).

I know everyone's different, but it just doesn't seem normal for a grown man to sleep until gone lunchtime. But then again, I never even did that as a teenager, so the whole concept is novel to me anyway!


He just sounds tired to me.

Posted from TSR Mobile
All the stuff about not washing or tidying - welcome to the world of guys OP! :console: For loads of boys, that's what mama is for. :giggle:

However he does sound unusually low in energy, perhaps he has a dietary issue? Does he eat properly? Sleep well?

Sometimes drugs/alcohol have the sort of effects you describe.
Reply 5
Original post by Fullofsurprises
All the stuff about not washing or tidying - welcome to the world of guys OP! :console: For loads of boys, that's what mama is for. :giggle:

However he does sound unusually low in energy, perhaps he has a dietary issue? Does he eat properly? Sleep well?

Sometimes drugs/alcohol have the sort of effects you describe.


Really.. so I have to put up with this forever? Damn, lol.

His diet is also typically "studenty" and I'm not entirely convinced he knows what a vegetable is. He always seems confused when I cook and green things appear on his plate, anyway!

He hasn't lived with his mum for 12 years, and I sometimes struggle to understand how he's actually survived up to this point!
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous
Really.. so I have to put up with this forever? Damn, lol.

His diet is also typically "studenty" and I'm not entirely convinced he knows what a vegetable is. He always seems confused when I cook and green things appear on his plate, anyway!

He hasn't lived with his mum for 12 years, and I sometimes struggle to understand how he's actually survived up to this point!


It's not really your place to change his lifestyle, if he's happy he's happy, if not he needs help not judgement.

Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 7
This sounds a lot like me a few years ago :lol:

Sometimes it is just easy to spiral into a habit of doing nothing. Especially when you are working. The last thing you want to do is come home and do chores, make a real meal and then wash up afterwards. And sleeping in till 12 is easy if you are exhausted and not getting enough sleep throughout the week.

I kicked myself into gear and now make an effort to clean up properly, eat right and wake up no later than 10am on days off. But I'm still guilty of wasting the odd day doing nothing. It is something he has to change himself, for most it is a stage and as they get older they'll grow out of it. My advice is to grin and bear it, and perhaps do a bit of nagging :lol:
Reply 8
Original post by james1211
It's not really your place to change his lifestyle, if he's happy he's happy, if not he needs help not judgement.

Posted from TSR Mobile


I wasn't saying I was going to change it, I was asking whether it was normal.

Though I do want him to make the most of himself, and living in a messy flat just sleeping your spare time away seems like a pretty poor way to live. I mean, at the end of your life are you likely to say "I wish I'd slept more"? I doubt it somehow!
Original post by Fullofsurprises
All the stuff about not washing or tidying - welcome to the world of guys OP! :console: For loads of boys, that's what mama is for. :giggle:



Hey!

Some of us just have a higher tolerance for mess. Having a washing up bowl full of plates and cutlery isn't going to give me ebola. I don't mind cleaning and stuff, I just don't feel the need for everything to be spotless all the time.

If we are going down the route of gender stereotypes you women are just unnecessary fussy and aspire to an unnecessary level of spotlessness.

Would also like to point out I have known some girls who were pretty messy.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by ChaoticButterfly
Hey!

Some of us just have a higher tolerance for mess. Having a washing up bowl full of plates and cutlery isn't going to give me ebola. I don't mind cleaning and stuff, I just don't feel the need for everything to be spotless all the time.

If we are going down the route of gender stereotypes you women are just unnecessary fussy and aspire to an unnecessary level of spotlessness.

Would also like to point out I have known some girls who were pretty messy.


I think with males it depends on three things. (1) Did Mummy indulge the heck out of them? (2) Did they have sisters to pick things up where Mama failed? (3) If (1) and (2) were not available, were they brought up with servants?

Generally if those three are all No, then there is a chance that they might be inclined towards occasional effort in chores. :rolleyes:
Original post by Fullofsurprises
I think with males it depends on three things. (1) Did Mummy indulge the heck out of them? (2) Did they have sisters to pick things up where Mama failed? (3) If (1) and (2) were not available, were they brought up with servants?

Generally if those three are all No, then there is a chance that they might be inclined towards occasional effort in chores. :rolleyes:


(1) My mum did do most of the tidying but our house was hardly spotless like so many of my friends. Her mantra of "Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy" has pretty much rubbed off on me.

(2) Nope.

(3) Hell no lol. There is no way my parents would have wasted money on that even if we were rich.


If I was living with an obsessive cleaner I would appear lazy and to not be pulling my weight. But I would argue I just have a higher tolerance to mess and don't see the need to clean up all the god dam time. I just clean up as a I go along here and there. It's not my fault if she thinks it needs to be obsessively clean :dontknow:
Original post by ChaoticButterfly
(1) My mum did do most of the tidying but our house was hardly spotless like so many of my friends. Her mantra of "Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy" has pretty much rubbed off on me.

(2) Nope.

(3) Hell no lol. There is no way my parents would have wasted money on that even if we were rich.


If I was living with an obsessive cleaner I would appear lazy and to not be pulling my weight. But I would argue I just have a higher tolerance to mess and don't see the need to clean up all the god dam time. I just clean up as a I go along here and there. It's not my fault if she thinks it needs to be obsessively clean :dontknow:


I can see some sense in that, but I guess lots of us just feel our b/fs should try harder. What a lot of guys see as 'obsessively clean' to us looks like 'pleasantly tidy'. I'm not talking OCD levels of cleanliness, just, you know, less heaps of unwashed underwear everywhere. :rolleyes:
Original post by Fullofsurprises
I can see some sense in that, but I guess lots of us just feel our b/fs should try harder. What a lot of guys see as 'obsessively clean' to us looks like 'pleasantly tidy'. I'm not talking OCD levels of cleanliness, just, you know, less heaps of unwashed underwear everywhere. :rolleyes:


Ye well, lot's of us just feel our g/fs should chill out a bit. :tongue:

What if the heap of unwashed clothing is in a corner in the bath room (my preferred system)? We are not animals sheesh :rolleyes:
Original post by ChaoticButterfly
Hey!

Some of us just have a higher tolerance for mess. Having a washing up bowl full of plates and cutlery isn't going to give me ebola. I don't mind cleaning and stuff, I just don't feel the need for everything to be spotless all the time.

If we are going down the route of gender stereotypes you women are just unnecessary fussy and aspire to an unnecessary level of spotlessness.

Would also like to point out I have known some girls who were pretty messy.


i dont think most people expect a place to be spotless. however its normal to not find ourselves disgusting but to find other people disgusting, like most people dont mind their own farts etc. but if you want to date someone its such a turn off if they are really messy and gross.

i myself can be a bit disgusting, as im tired from work cant be bothered cleaning, but i know if i had a partner i would not behave in this way because i wouldnt like them to be like that. its also a bit childish
Original post by Anonymous
I'm in a long term relationship, but at the moment I'm spending more time at his place, and am realising just how lazy he is.

He won't tidy up after himself, pick up rubbish, or even take his plates to the sink when he's done. Sometimes things can sit there for days.

When he's not working (he works about 16hrs a week) he will stay in bed until gone midday. It's as though the days he's not working, he's just sleeping his life away.

If there's something he needs to get up for, like if we have a day out planned, he can do it. But if he has a free day, or isn't in work until later, he literally achieves nothing. Whereas I'd rather maybe go for a walk or a coffee if we're both off, or go out for lunch or something.

It feels as though he's living the life of a 16 year old, actually. But I don't know how to encourage him to perhaps grow up a little bit and stop just sleeping and sitting doing nothing (says she, on TSR, lol).

I know everyone's different, but it just doesn't seem normal for a grown man to sleep until gone lunchtime. But then again, I never even did that as a teenager, so the whole concept is novel to me anyway!


Here's my advice: Excessive sleeping can be a sign of depression.
I'm not saying your partner is depressed, but its a common symptom of clinical depression. I'm diagnosed with clinical depression myself, and though I'm very hygienic and clean/tidy up after myself, I sleep a lot.
When I'm not working/studying I'm sleeping. That's actually 50% of my life is sleeping.
I dont have much of a social life either. I have a lot of friends and i'm pretty outgoing guy, but I'm an introvert and I dont enjoy going out unless i have a specific purpose or event I'v been invited too.
Please note that clinical depression isn't just a case of asking "is anything wrong, whats the matter?" etc. Often there is no direct cause of depression, its a physiological illness, an imbalance and deficit of essential neurotrasmitters/chemicals (seratonin/dopamine) in the brain which makes it nearly impossible for a depressed person to feel happy even if there's nothing wrong or something good has happened. constant feeling of emptiness/misery.
Look into this and ask your partner if he thinks he may be depressed, be sure to be sensitive about it, not accusatory. He may laugh it off and say there's nothing wrong, it could be that he just genuinly enjoys sleeping.

However, excessive sleeping is normally the result of depression/emptiness or feelings that a person cannot otherwise cope with and so they sleep as a way of escaping.
Depression also causes severe lethargy/fatigue which also results in sleeping more.

I hope he's not depressed and is just tired or likes to sleep.

Another theory is from a developmental perspective:
Some children are raised to consistently observe daily naptimes. Normally after school, some parents allocate certain hours for a naptime for their kids. If this is done at home, it becomes a routine and as the child grows older into adulthood, having an afternoon nap is just ingrained, so usually when they get back from work the first thing they want to do is sleep because it just feels like the natural thing to do.


There's no excuse for him being messy/unclean though.
I can understand someone being a bit untidy/having clothes/books around the floor, but legit dirtiness/filth is inexcusable to me. my room can be a bit untidy but never unclean or dirty. Once you're past 16 years old there's really no excuse to be living in your own filth - leaving used plates in your room, not taking out trash etc. When i was younger i was lazy and used to do that kind of crap, but now I cant even comprehend how I could have tolerated it. it makes me shudder. It's part of growing up and you have to talk to him about it because it's simply off puting. especially if you're in a serious relationship and plan on living together in the future - you'll be in a situation where you'll have to do all the tidying up and cleaning/constantly arguing about mess.

invite to your house and set an example. let him see you clean up after yourself, keep your home tidy. The more he sees it, the more he'll realise how lazy/unclean he's been acting and he'll feel more self conscious about not tidying up after himself.
I'm like this sometimes in summer. I'd say it's normal.

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