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He doesnt want a relationship

A week after starting at a new sixth form, a lad from my form added me on facebook and inboxed me the same night and a couple more times that week, he would randomly message me even asking if he'd missed much work in a lesson that his best friend was also in.After a week we were inboxing everyday and a few weeks later he got my number so we would then text everyday (with him mainly texting me first). We barely spoke in school but a few weeks ago he started to sit by me in all of our study sessions, where he would talk to me and flirt with me. He once miss heard something that was said about me by a friend (that I was in bed with another person) this was not true, but after he heard this, he asked me straight away, why would he do this? This week he came from to mine twice (first time we'd been on our own without anyone), all we did was kiss, with him always making the first move, he would put his arm around me and flirt with me. But yesterday he told me that he didn't want to give me the wrong impression but he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. I like him a bit and am enjoying getting to know him, however I don't know myself if I want a relationship at this moment. What does this mean?

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Means he wants sex
This sounds similar to me. Started a new college. Boy seems like he really liked me. He started conversations, flirted, kissed me etc. Now doesn't seem to want to know me (that parts a bit different to you).

It's really hard to know what to do, whether to forget about him or try to pursue it. It seems a lot of problems start because of a lack of communication, so maybe speak about it to him? I'm not saying confess your love for him lol, but you could ask him about it? Like what does he mean by 'giving you the wrong impression'? Does he want to be just friends or does he want that in between friends and a relationship stage?

Or you could see where it goes. The only thing with that is try not to get too attached, especially if he doesn't want it to progress any further. I might be just speaking from experience, but it's nice to like somebody and want to get to know them. But perhaps just have a casual approach towards him?
he wants to pork you then pay little or no attention to you
Reply 4
Original post by perfectmix
This sounds similar to me. Started a new college. Boy seems like he really liked me. He started conversations, flirted, kissed me etc. Now doesn't seem to want to know me (that parts a bit different to you).

It's really hard to know what to do, whether to forget about him or try to pursue it. It seems a lot of problems start because of a lack of communication, so maybe speak about it to him? I'm not saying confess your love for him lol, but you could ask him about it? Like what does he mean by 'giving you the wrong impression'? Does he want to be just friends or does he want that in between friends and a relationship stage?

Or you could see where it goes. The only thing with that is try not to get too attached, especially if he doesn't want it to progress any further. I might be just speaking from experience, but it's nice to like somebody and want to get to know them. But perhaps just have a casual approach towards him?


Completely get you, it's so weird all my friends thought he liked me cause of all the effort he made, we've even stayed up speaking until the early hours, i speak to him more than anyone else and it's stuff you wouldn't even do for a friend. I think I like him and I was enjoying getting to know him a bit better cause I wouldn't want to rush into a relationship right now with starting a-levels and a new job. But I feel like he has lead me on so I don't know what to do. I was meant to be seeing him on Thursday so I don't know if I should talk about all this because we've spoke about it over text, confusing. I know that he came out of a two year relationship six months ago and I came out of a year relationship four mons ago (hence the reason why I do not want to rush into another relationship because it was a bad one). I hope he wasn't trying to get at sex, I know he was only had one previous relationship involving sex but I ought he wouldn't admit this to me if he only wanted sex?
Reply 5
Original post by Foo.mp3
As above, although it's mistaken to assume he necessarily just wants sex. Perhaps a bit of a shame but at least he's being honest/knows what he wants, thousands wouldn't

I'd stop seeing him one to one if I were you, this is 95% likely to end badly for you otherwise (speaking as a guy who's been that guy many times in the past)

I'm not convinced we (red blooded, virile young males) are naturally/meant to be monogamous really. Society/culture/media have just conditioned us to form certain expectations/behave a certain way

I have respect for girls whom recognise, and try to work with, the above - although in truth few are ever content with something casual if they really like a guy (again, a function of social norms/influences + oxytocin + ego)


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Thank you for the advice! I was worried that all he want was sex, and wondered why he hadn't tried to move in quicker.
Original post by fashion1
Completely get you, it's so weird all my friends thought he liked me cause of all the effort he made, we've even stayed up speaking until the early hours, i speak to him more than anyone else and it's stuff you wouldn't even do for a friend. I think I like him and I was enjoying getting to know him a bit better cause I wouldn't want to rush into a relationship right now with starting a-levels and a new job. But I feel like he has lead me on so I don't know what to do. I was meant to be seeing him on Thursday so I don't know if I should talk about all this because we've spoke about it over text, confusing. I know that he came out of a two year relationship six months ago and I came out of a year relationship four mons ago (hence the reason why I do not want to rush into another relationship because it was a bad one). I hope he wasn't trying to get at sex, I know he was only had one previous relationship involving sex but I ought he wouldn't admit this to me if he only wanted sex?


I understand, it's hard to know their motives. :s-smilie: I guess the only way we can know is by either asking them or seeing for ourselves. Hmm the sex part is tricky, he could want sex but at the same time it isn't necessarily always about that. If I was in your situation, I think I'd try and bring it up on Thursday. I'd try to get him to be straight with me; he's told you he doesn't want a relationship, but hasn't told you what he does want (if he wants anything other than a friendship). I think it's best to be this way than to fall for him and risk the chance of being used.
Reply 7
Original post by Foo.mp3
On balance of probability, he wants a casual sexual relationship. This may not be limited to just sex, but essentially the proposition will be that you put out and don't ask questions (which makes most [young/sweet/emotional] girls feel as though they are being used for sex)

How quick we move in is irrelevant unless we're looking for completely NSA/ONS. I've taken my time with/been fond of girls I've had non-exclusive relations with in the past, and even loved one of them in some ways :smile:


Have you ever liked any of the girls in the past?
Reply 8
Original post by Foo.mp3
"been fond of girls I've had non-exclusive relations with in the past, and even loved one of them in some ways"

Yes, I liked and respected all of them, but didn't value them enough, in the circumstances, to fully commit e.g. as a young person, going away to uni, etc etc

Also, I'm an awkward sod at the best of times, so it's rare I really wanna be around one same person all that much, all that frequently


He has told me that he thinks it is better to be single at this age because little arguments can ruin it and you can up not speaking. I don't know if this is something to do with his ex and why he doesn't want a relationship. He even said he understands if I don't want him coming round again.
Find somebody new. I wouldn't stay in contact with him TBH
Reply 10
Original post by Foo.mp3
He's right, in my view. However, the more time/intimate moments you spend with someone, the more bonded you become to them - if the guy is treating it as FWB/NSA then this can be rather unhealthy and possibly very damaging, particularly for a young and relatively inexperienced girl, and especially if she is the sensitive or insecure type

It probably does, to an extent. If you want to gamble then you could tell him "let's see how things go, but just so you know, I'm not really the type of girl to mess around if it's not a serious thing - I believe in high quality relations". Give it a few weeks and see what happens, but be very wary of engaging in particularly intimate acts unless you're completely fine with the prospect of being humped and dumped

He sounds like a relatively good guy. It took me years to realise what it was that I wanted and that the best thing to do was to be as open as that about it from the start. Just know that if you do continue to see him you will have no-one to blame but yourself if it ends horribly as per the above


Thank you so much for all your advice! I didn't know what to reply so I instead left it over night and he texted again this morning to ask if I'd replied, I've since seen that he's been on our Facebook chat to see when I was last active. I have told him that he can still come over and that I think we're on the same page.

I don't want a relationship right now but I am thinking more in future terms if I started to like him properly.
Urgh. He sounds like such a Sheriff of Nottingham. :nothing: Why lead you on all that way and then announce that he doesn't want a relationship?! What is wrong with some people, where is the morality? :facepalm: Maybe I really should have been born centuries ago because I really despise such discourteous behaviour. :s-smilie:

Anyway, rant over. On the bright side, at least he was honest and you know, somewhat, where you stand. Now you have to decide what you want. The last thing you want is to develop deep feelings for him when he doesn't feel the same. He'll pull your emotions with strings as if you were a puppet. Be casual and cool with him, do not admit feelings or you'll be vulnerable to him and, trust me, nothing good can come out of that. Sounds like he wants something very casual - is that what you want? Could you deal with that and resist becoming attached?
Reply 12
Original post by perfectmix
I understand, it's hard to know their motives. :s-smilie: I guess the only way we can know is by either asking them or seeing for ourselves. Hmm the sex part is tricky, he could want sex but at the same time it isn't necessarily always about that. If I was in your situation, I think I'd try and bring it up on Thursday. I'd try to get him to be straight with me; he's told you he doesn't want a relationship, but hasn't told you what he does want (if he wants anything other than a friendship). I think it's best to be this way than to fall for him and risk the chance of being used.


It's so confusing too! I didn't text him yesterday after the awkwardness and then he texted me being fine with me but I ended up bringing the whole situation up so I wouldn't leave it for days. He told me he would understand if I didn't want him to come over again and we said we were both on the same page. Then he has been normal with me like he was before. I didn't want to attend him by asking him if it was all about sex (he doesn't seem the type, he's only ever had one serious girlfriend and he told me I was the second girl that he had kissed). Yeah like we've both explained we don't want relationships but I don't know what he does actually want, because it was him who started talking to me first, him who got my number and him who came onto me.
Reply 13
Original post by Foo.mp3
Hey, no problem :smile: You remind me a bit of my young ex so.. perhaps this is karma, haha!

Hmmk, well good luck! Just remember to take things at your own pace and be mindful of the fact this guy is not (presently) boyfriend material


He's text me being completely normal today with a bit of flirting. I'm still no clear on what he wants but I hope to find out soon. Is it ever possible for him to change his mind in the future? As I know right now I don't want a full-on relationship but don't know how I will feel in a few months time. In a way I wonder if it was his last relationship that puts him off from starting another.
Original post by Maid Marian
Urgh. He sounds like such a Sheriff of Nottingham. :nothing: Why lead you on all that way and then announce that he doesn't want a relationship?! What is wrong with some people, where is the morality? :facepalm: Maybe I really should have been born centuries ago because I really despise such discourteous behaviour. :s-smilie:



Back when the lords would take their right with you (you would have most likely been a peasant girl)? A lot of **** much worse than teenagers having casual sex happened back then. :rolleyes:

Such morals. :tongue:
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 15
Original post by Foo.mp3
Yes, anything's possible, I certainly wouldn't bank on it changing though

To get the best sense for this you should: A) Observe his behaviour/actions; B) Ask him about what it is he intends to get out of hooking up with you.

If sex is involved, and you like the guy, chances are you will want security/loyalty/exclusive intimacy

Possibly, but I wouldn't be making excuses for his mindset if I were you until you know more. I was burnt in the past which is partly why I was the way I was, but only partly mind


In what way do you meant observe his behaviour/actions?
Original post by ChaoticButterfly
Back when the lords would take their right with you (you would have most likely been a peasant girl)? A lot of **** much worse than teenagers having casual sex happened back then. :rolleyes:

Such morals. :tongue:


Heyyy, leave me and my romanticism alone :fuhrer: Shoo :tongue:
Original post by Maid Marian
Heyyy, leave me and my romanticism alone :fuhrer: Shoo :tongue:


Or the chivalrous knight notices the astounding beauty of a lowly peasant girl working in the field. They both become secret lovers and sneak off into the forest to spends nights together looking at the moon and stars (and doing *cough* other things). Then Ser Knight defies his parents and lordly custom ,openly declares his love to you and betroths you.

That better? :tongue:
Original post by ChaoticButterfly
Or the chivalrous knight notices the astounding beauty of a lowly peasant girl working in the field. They both become secret lovers and sneak off into the forest to spends nights together looking at the moon and stars (and doing *cough* other things). Then Ser Knight defies his parents and lordly custom ,openly declares his love to you and betroths you.

That better? :tongue:


Hahahaha :rofl: Much better :tongue:
Really though, I was just referring to the more gentlemanly attributes that men of the past exhibited more than they perhaps do today.
Original post by Maid Marian
Urgh. He sounds like such a Sheriff of Nottingham. :nothing: Why lead you on all that way and then announce that he doesn't want a relationship?! What is wrong with some people, where is the morality? :facepalm: Maybe I really should have been born centuries ago because I really despise such discourteous behaviour. :s-smilie:



Gosh! Seriously?

I wouldnt say he led her on, they got friendly, kissed a bit and he said he wasnt looking for a relationship. Thats totally fair and reasonable of him isnt it?

Surely you cant think that any declaration about whether or not he/she is looking for something long term has to happen any earlier in the friendship than this?

Like someone buys you a coffee and you tell them you are not looking for romance!? OMG. Or someone holds the door open for you and you tell them you are not thinking of marriage!?

Seems to me OP that he told you he wasnt looking for a relationship just about as soon as he reasonably could, that is as soon as it looked as though it could potentially be headed that way. He sounds decent. Have fun, dont do anything you dont want to do, and try not to become emotionally attached because he has been very honest about what he is not looking for.

Good luck! :smile:

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