Boyfriend thinks I'm sheltered

Hi OP,

I think your bf is being quite insecure and putting his insecurities on you. Compared to you, he knows he doesn't have a lot and is punching above his weight. Essentially it's emotional bullying, I'm not sure how frequent he says this, but clearly it is getting to you, if you're asking for advice on it. My ex was similar to that, he wasn't too good looking and worked full time in Argos, whereas with me, I used to get approached by guys a lot and had my foot into a career I loved. He used to call me fat, geeky, spoilt, bratty etc. When in reality it was his own insecurities putting it on me, because he wished he had a decent wage and job to go to, because he hated his. He also used to put me down in front of his friends and quite frankly embarrass me.

You need to speak to him about it, otherwise it is going to get worse. Tbh, if I were you, I would leave the relationship, not because of what he has said, but because you deserve to date someone on your level, someone who appreciates saving and hard work. Not someone who has made a bunch of mistakes in their life, then says they came out a stronger person and considers you a weaker person. I'm not sure if he treats you differently, or badly but PM me if you need advice!

Tell him it upsets you. If your relationship is strong enough and he's mature and caring enough, he'll be able to take it. Communication is key.

I think the actual content of his mocking is irrelevant, there is only one reason that someone puts another down like this and that is to feel better about themself.

I would not tolerate this in what is supposed to be an adult an loving relationship. If he does or says something repeatedly simply because he knows it upsets you then frankly you can do better.

I would tell him once and for all that you have heard enough, and that if he continues to find amusement in your discomfort then its over.

I cant see this is going to stop, and over time if there are other ways in which he feels inferior to you then he will likely needle you about them too.

I think he sounds like a toolbag, let him know in a firm tone exactly what is at stake here, and mean it!

You're both right! I'm going to have a stern word with him when I next see him (not going to give too much away until we're in person).

I need this to stop, because even though I'm trying not to let it, I feel like he's already starting to break my spirit. Even in arguments, I try and be fair and hate placing the blame on any one person unless it's myself. Regardless of that, he'll snap at me saying nothing is ever my fault and that I always have to be right, which is far from the truth.

You're both right! I'm going to have a stern word with him when I next see him (not going to give too much away until we're in person).

I need this to stop, because even though I'm trying not to let it, I feel like he's already starting to break my spirit. Even in arguments, I try and be fair and hate placing the blame on any one person unless it's myself. Regardless of that, he'll snap at me saying nothing is ever my fault and that I always have to be right, which is far from the truth.

just try avoid showing him how much financially well off you are than he is.

Why should she? OMG if he is so insecure that he cannot handle that someone has made better financial choices than him then a) thats not her problem and b) means he will have issues with half the population of the world! Financial savvy isnt something to be ashamed of, she shouldnt have to hide her achievements (material or fiscal) in case it dents his ego. He should be happy for her, proud of her!

That's awful! I'm glad you don't have to deal with that anymore, it sounds like emotional abuse, and the funny thing is, it's hard to see it that way when you're the one experiencing it.

In the back of my mind, I do worry about what the future would be like with him, but then I try and rubbish the thought because I only want to remember the good things. He has said himself that he felt inadequate when I told him about how much my friend earned straight after leaving uni. He said that he came to the realisation that I would probably be earning more than him at 23 than he has ever earned by age 30+, and it made him feel insignificant as a man.

Because of his honesty then, I never even thought he'd project his insecurities in such an underhand way as he's doing now. Thank you so much for the words of wisdom, I'll PM you next time that I can get online!

well he is insecure and it's up to her if she doesnt want to dent his ego and if she doesnt then she is going to have to avoid showing him how much wealthier she is.

of course she should be proud of herself and her families achievements, as am i, but her relationship is another thing.

if you've met rich people, you'd notice how they always avoid telling other people about how much money their family earns or the occupation of their parents, and are usually very modest about it - unless theyre knobs. they dont hide their families achievements, but they still avoid showing people as well. that's what i mean. i've met a number of private school kids and at least 90% of them do this.

If he is this insecure then its not her job to tiptoe round his ego, its his issue to sort out.

I admit I live a very privileged life. I dont go around showing it off nor bragging, and class means practising discretion in this, but if someone with whom I was in an adult relationship expected me to pussy foot around them lest his ego be dented then I would be letting him go.

you're only saying to let him go then, which would be the alternative option. it's up to her.

i know how you feel
my family was poor as **** until around 2009 when my dads business blew up and the recession started to fade away
now im relatively in a wealthy family and my family is good at saving and being financially sensible

so my friends will usually put me down and say im "getting fed" and spoilt etc

my ex usually called me "rich boy" to put me down etc

never really bothered me, it's mostly because of jealousy and nothing else tbh (not trying to sound like an ass). they want to make themselves look self-righteous and feel better about themselves, usually trying to let the whole world know that they bought something with "hard earned money" and whatever.

however i can understand if you're boyfriend might feel inadequate as a man in the relationship when his girlfriend is wealthier than he is. he needs to deal with it, in the meantime just try avoid showing him how much financially well off you are than he is.

Why should she? OMG if he is so insecure that he cannot handle that someone has made better financial choices than him then a) thats not her problem and b) means he will have issues with half the population of the world! Financial savvy isnt something to be ashamed of, she shouldnt have to hide her achievements (material or fiscal) in case it dents his ego. He should be happy for her, proud of her!

Right now I'm with a guy who loves me and dotes on me, and UNDERSTANDS me. He knows I aim for the stars. He's a plumber ,and didn't go to university, whereas I did, and he loves the fact that I better myself, in fact,he supports me and pushes me. E.g. if I have a client meeting and need to cancel on him, he will understand and he says "don't worry, work comes first, I'll be waiting" and it's so refreshing to have someone who is supportive. He isn't jealous, and even though he earns half my salary, where he can, he will still take me out and pay for me. He loves that I am independent. The fact that I want him but don't need him, makes him feel so so wanted because ...like I said, I don't actually need him.

You can't put these nagging thoughts out of your mind, sometimes it is the little voice inside your head which you need to listen to. If he is already saying he is feeling inadequate and insignificant, then think about how that is going to affect the relationship in the future. Will you have to lie about how much you earn? Will you be the only one paying the mortgage because you have a fancy job and he doesn't? How much of this "partnership" is actually going to be 50/50? Are you going to fork out for his child if he can't afford x,y,z? Will he expect you to fork out if he can't afford anything? Will he expect you to take him out, and treat him? Does he even want you to work if it means he feels insignificant? There's A LOT you need to think about, and not just now, for the future plans e.g. moving in together etc what is going to happen. With things like this, there is a lot more than simply the paycheck at the end of the month, you're looking at a difference in background, in education and a whole host of other things, which is NOT going to go away. It's not something that can be solved or compromised - it's fact. This relationship reminds me similar of my ex's relationship and how I used to put the little voice to the back of my mind because I said it will be fine, he's going through a tough time, there's a lot on his plate, I wouldn't understand in my cushy life etc etc - you know what...it didn't change. His tough time, ended up being a tough YEAR. Why should I apologize for my success just because he can't keep up?

Please please think about it!

I need this to stop, because even though I'm trying not to let it, I feel like he's already starting to break my spirit.

It was after I came back that the jibes really started to get nasty...thanks for the advice and giving me more to think about; I definitely need to start thinking more about my/our possible future