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Girl said that I am "too nice". What to do?

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Original post by Andy98
Nice is good. She just didn't have the balls to give you the real reason

Posted from TSR Mobile


No, she is right I think. I am "too nice" sometimes. I admit this myself now looking back.
Original post by cole-slaw
Being nice is a good thing, being a spineless sap with no standards, no opinions or ambitions of your own is not. Desperately trying to impress girls is a bad idea. Just be the best version of yourself you can be, and if they don't like it, that's their misfortune. Girls don't want a human puppy dog, they want a man.


Very true. Agree with you 100%.
Original post by amylouisenic
everyone saying that the girl didn't have the balls to say the reason: did the OP tell the girl he likes her? No. she just said he's too nice, implying that he lets himself be walked all over, which is a pretty valid comment.

OP, if being nice is really the kind of person you are, then you shouldn't change - being nice is a good trait (although being too nice will lead to people taking advantage of you). However, if you're being 'too nice' to just women you like and expecting something from them in return from this, then you really aren't a nice guy.

Btw. Friendzone doesn't exist. Women are allowed to not be attracted to you, and just be friends with you. They don't judge everyone they meet as a potential partner and 'zone' them accordingly. Sometimes they just want to be friends.


I did tell her I like her about 6 months ago despite knowing she had a bf since the beginning. Stupid I know. I allowed myself to get too close to her despite knowing she wasn't single and it really got to me. Anyway we are past that and things are fine.

No, I think when she said I am "too nice" she actually meant it. When I asked her how, she said that I never say "no" etc. So I understand what she is saying.

Yes I am a nice person (I like to think so), but maybe I need to be careful of being too nice and not be a pushover.
No, I am like this with most people close to me.

Hmm..
Original post by CJKay
There's nothing wrong with it, but OP isn't exactly going to attract women en masse with it, and obviously his goal here is to attract her.


True. Very true. Lesson learned.
Original post by CJKay
This is pretty much dating 101 for guys - many grow up being "too nice". Most of us realise it is a major turn-off when you get to, I don't know, 18 or so. It is fairly common knowledge that the average woman is not attracted to guys who can't make decisions or be assertive at least some of the time.


Very true. I agree with you. Nice is ok but too nice is not.
Original post by Tomsta
In bold is a key thing, there's being nice and then is being a pushover, you can be nice without being a pushover, what you're doing is being kinda a pushover, i've done it so i know what it's liike, learn to have an opinion on things, have some backbone; don't be an arse but if she suggests or ask for a good place to eat say something like "Why don't we try somewhere new i hear [insert place] is good, why don't we try there"

Also learn to flirt, you're interested in her yes, then show it, make cheeky remarks (not too cheeky, requires a bit of practise), compliment her in way that most guy dont' notice, if she happens to be wearing a particularly nice dress that suits her and brings out a certain feature (face, her frame if you wanna be cheeky say boobs or butt and add a wink - that again requires some practise), comment on it


Yes, ok, got it. Thanks for the input!
Carry on with your life and realise you can never be too nice.

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Original post by Tomsta
You can still be a nice guy and not be a doormat, let me phrase it to you this way,

2 guys both the same in every way but one has very low self esteem and therefore doesn't voice his own opinions and just agree's with you all the time (and i mean ALL the time) the other voices his opinions from time to time and isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in, but not in an ******** way

Which one of those sounds more attractive to you?

I was a "doormat" before uni, till i learned to low myself for who i am and boost my self confidence


The latter of course. Ok got it. Thanks
Original post by ilem
What you need to do is to genuinely accept the fact that you will never be with her and stop talking to her. To be honest I have no idea what you see in her anyway judging by the stuff you've written here. She sounds awful, indecisive and manipulative.

What you will do though is go back right back to her thinking making some minor change like saying 'no' to her once is enough and then the cycle will repeat ad infinitum.


I know you are right. Just stop talking is quite difficult. We share pretty much all the same classes, and it would be really awkward if I took that route

Ahh that doesn't sound good at all. But no, of course not. I wouldn't believe that would make any sort of difference now (with this girl). I guess it is something I will be aware of in the future with other girls.

But, back to said girl, it does feel like I am going in circles. Sometimes I am fine about it, other times, not so much.
If this girl doesn't appreciate you for who you are (a nice guy!) then she isn't worth your time. Being nice isn't a bad thing and don't let her make you think otherwise.

P.S. you're worth more than her comments!
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 90
Once you're friendzoned it's unlikely you'll find a way out.

In the past I've been interested in girls who saw me as their "gay best friend" even though I am straight and wanted to pound them. It's a sad position to be in. The more time I spent around them the worse it made me feel about it. Eventually we drifted apart and though we remained friends (at least with one of them), the less time I spent talking to them and generally being around them, the better I felt. Now a couple of years on, I still see one of the girls from time to time and if she fell in love with me I think I'd probably reject her.

I used to be the typical nice guy, cared too much about the girls I liked to treat them with anything but reverement, which is a big mistake. Nowadays, I focus less on girls and more on myself, I tend to act way more casual around them, and generally look less desperate to them. You don't have to turn into a dick, try to build your confidence and know that no girl is better than you. Be more assertive with things, show new girls you meet that you're self confident. They'll notice you.

The bottom line is you can be a good guy and still get women to like you, it's more about being confident along with not bending over backwards or becoming a doormat for them.

I recommend distancing yourself a from this girl. You don't necessarily want to give up on your friendship, but the closer you have to be to her the more it's gonna hurt that she continues to reject you. If you want to go hardcore then just go cold on her or cut her off completely. You never know, if you reintroduce yourself to her in the future when you're older and more confident she might realize what she missed out on.

Either way, the place you're in right now is a bad one, and you won't look back on it with happiness in the future.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 91
Original post by believeteam22
No, she is right I think. I am "too nice" sometimes. I admit this myself now looking back.


Believe what you want, I was just saying what I think
Being "too nice" isn't a bad thing. It's something girls say when they aren't feeling the attraction. Being "too nice" doesn't stop you from liking someone and wanting to be with them more! Definately make sure you have a strong back bone and are confident with yourself but there's no need to change too much.

You'll meet someone who appreciates ya at some point and who you'll just click with :redface: Becoming a womanizer will end in tears..
Original post by believeteam22
My female friend said to me that I am "too nice".
I guess she is right. I have a tendency to be nice to girls I like. I guess this is a weakness, but it just happens. I really dislike not being nice to people I like.

And I realise that being "too nice" is not really a good thing and that I need to change.

But how do I do that? I never say "no" to her for anything.

I really need to change but I don't know how to go about it and without looking like an ***

I feel really close to said girl and I am afraid if I start acting differently, start saying "no" etc, she might start to treat me differently and I might not be as important to her anymore. That's how I feel inside :/

I know I sound beta as **** and I only recently really thought about it like that.

How can I change? Any advice please?


I think it's not that you're being too nice, it's that you're being nice in the wrong way. If you treat her as a good friend, she'll see you as nothing more than a friend. It may be too late with this girl, but this advice could apply to the future :smile:

Basically, you need to be nice in quite a teasing flirty way, rather than straight up nice, if you get me? You also need to do little things to break the touch barrier between you, such as a flirty poke, or hand on the arm, or a nudge. Nothing major, just stuff to break down barriers between you. And if your idea of nice is to do anything she asks of you, then that won't help your case. In a nice, teasing sort of way you need to say no sometimes.

If the girl isn't into it and affirms that you're just friends, then move on. Sometimes you just need to wait to meet someone who you have a natural chemistry with. When you meet that someone, it'll all come naturally. It sounds as though this girl just isn't interested and pushing your case may make things worse. Accept that you're friends and try to move on.

I've found that the times when I'm happiest being single and I'm embracing the fact I'm not in a relationship are the times when I end up meeting people and catching their eye. I think this is because that's when I'm the most comfortable in my own skin, and I'm not trying too hard to please, and those kinds of traits attract people. :smile:
Reply 94
Success with women = striking the balance between tenderness and aggression.

Too tender (or "nice" as you put it) and you won't assert yourself enough and show that your have your own principles and integrity. You wouldn't want a parter that agrees with you 100% of the time because it gets boring, fast.
Too aggressive on the other hand and you come off as, well... Invasive.

Here's what Askmen says about it:

"If you're nice, that's great, but what you really want to be is a great guy. You want to be a man who treats people well and also stands up to his own principles. You want to be a man who stands on his own two feet and isn't afraid to stand up to a woman just because he’s attracted to her. You want to be a man who leads, a man who decides if he wants to pursue the relationship or not, not a nice guy who tries to conform to her wants every which way and puts himself in the beggar's role. Nice guys are beggars. Great guys are catches."
Original post by Big Thinker
If this girl doesn't appreciate you for who you are (a nice guy!) then she isn't worth your time. Being nice isn't a bad thing and don't let her make you think otherwise.

P.S. you're worth more than her comments!


Yh being nice is ok. But is there such a thing as "too nice"?
Show her your mean side.
Or maybe she finds you unattractive and she's putting you down the nicer way.
Original post by croutons
Once you're friendzoned it's unlikely you'll find a way out.

In the past I've been interested in girls who saw me as their "gay best friend" even though I am straight and wanted to pound them. It's a sad position to be in. The more time I spent around them the worse it made me feel about it. Eventually we drifted apart and though we remained friends (at least with one of them), the less time I spent talking to them and generally being around them, the better I felt. Now a couple of years on, I still see one of the girls from time to time and if she fell in love with me I think I'd probably reject her.

I used to be the typical nice guy, cared too much about the girls I liked to treat them with anything but reverement, which is a big mistake. Nowadays, I focus less on girls and more on myself, I tend to act way more casual around them, and generally look less desperate to them. You don't have to turn into a dick, try to build your confidence and know that no girl is better than you. Be more assertive with things, show new girls you meet that you're self confident. They'll notice you.

The bottom line is you can be a good guy and still get women to like you, it's more about being confident along with not bending over backwards or becoming a doormat for them.

I recommend distancing yourself a from this girl. You don't necessarily want to give up on your friendship, but the closer you have to be to her the more it's gonna hurt that she continues to reject you. If you want to go hardcore then just go cold on her or cut her off completely. You never know, if you reintroduce yourself to her in the future when you're older and more confident she might realize what she missed out on.

Either way, the place you're in right now is a bad one, and you won't look back on it with happiness in the future.


I know :/
Yes ok I will be more assertive for sure. Very true about the doormat part, maybe I have been a bit guilty of doing that with said girl.
Thanks for the input.
Original post by MarleyZ
Being "too nice" isn't a bad thing. It's something girls say when they aren't feeling the attraction. Being "too nice" doesn't stop you from liking someone and wanting to be with them more! Definately make sure you have a strong back bone and are confident with yourself but there's no need to change too much.

You'll meet someone who appreciates ya at some point and who you'll just click with :redface: Becoming a womanizer will end in tears..


Ok thank you :smile:
I'll keep this in mind.
Original post by HannahLouAndrew
I think it's not that you're being too nice, it's that you're being nice in the wrong way. If you treat her as a good friend, she'll see you as nothing more than a friend. It may be too late with this girl, but this advice could apply to the future :smile:

Basically, you need to be nice in quite a teasing flirty way, rather than straight up nice, if you get me? You also need to do little things to break the touch barrier between you, such as a flirty poke, or hand on the arm, or a nudge. Nothing major, just stuff to break down barriers between you. And if your idea of nice is to do anything she asks of you, then that won't help your case. In a nice, teasing sort of way you need to say no sometimes.

If the girl isn't into it and affirms that you're just friends, then move on. Sometimes you just need to wait to meet someone who you have a natural chemistry with. When you meet that someone, it'll all come naturally. It sounds as though this girl just isn't interested and pushing your case may make things worse. Accept that you're friends and try to move on.

I've found that the times when I'm happiest being single and I'm embracing the fact I'm not in a relationship are the times when I end up meeting people and catching their eye. I think this is because that's when I'm the most comfortable in my own skin, and I'm not trying too hard to please, and those kinds of traits attract people. :smile:


Great advice. Thank U for this. :smile: I will definitely work on this.

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