my friend tries to hard

So me and my friend both have anxiety and this makes us closer as we can support each other. The last year I have been to counselling and I am trying hard to overcome it so I can lead a more positive life and not hold myself back.

My friend will not see anyone and claims because he is blocking his problems out (not very well) he is fine. This frustrates me to no end. He has no confidence, isn't assertive and will not make any decisions preferring to let me make them so that he pleases me and getting flusted over simple things if he thinks he wont e.g. asking him to do something simple like put something in a pan makes him panic and mess up.

Problem is I can see through this and letting me make all the decisions actually just frustrates me, as does him being flusted because then I have to do everything for me and him. I try to push him in a positive way to be more proactive but end up feeling like im nagging him all the time which then makes me feel guilty that im being pushy and mean.

We aren't together but I know he would like to be although he says he is happy being friends. ive made it very clear im not interested and we've remained best friends.

I just don't know how to deal anymore though. im wracked with guilt because I spend most of my time frustrated or feeling sick at the thought that he wants to please me and be together. the thoughts I feel sick then make me feel more guilty because he can't help it and isn't actually doing anything wrong. What can I do to help this situation.

Reply 1

Kaiju

two people with anxiety trying to support each other is generally toxic by nature

it's like having a drunk dude try and balance himself on an even drunker dude

you're totally entitled to feel frustrated with him - if anything, it's probably likely that his lack of assertiveness is one of the reasons you're not attracted to him. that's potentially just me being biased, though.

honestly there's not much you can do that doesn't require being at least a little bit of an ******* - the thing is, though, that he's indirectly pushing you to be nice simply because you feel obligated to babysit him. you're both at fault, really - he's inadvertently causing a problem and you're letting it happen. it's not your fault that he likes you; you shouldn't feel bad because you don't want it. you're entitled to say no, yo.

you could try forcing him to make more decisions by feigning indecision yourself but be prepared for him to get super marn about it and whine a lot.
it's a necessary part of the process

Reply 2

futbol

Try experimenting with sexual activity on each other to boost confidence :smile:

Reply 3

legobridge

yeah those things are what make me unattracted to him and after having my own problems the idea of having someone elses and having to deal with his and mine in a relationship just make me feel sick. I feel like we'd just drown each other but then I feel guilty because he is a good person and I don't like that I feel that way.

I do push him and then feel like a bitch for it because I end up having to be harsh in order to make him realise things or getting angry at him because yes I do feel I have to baby sit sometimes. it doesn't make me feel good about myself. even worse when I remind myself I have anxiety and understand. Makes me feel like massive hypocrite aha

Reply 4

legobridge

Im not attracted to him nor do I wanna be in a relationship with him so the thought of having sex with him is not something that goes down well. Besides he isn't that confidence in that area. My sexual confidence is just fine and doesn't need boosting.

Reply 5

Kaiju

Original post by legobridge

the idea of having someone elses and having to deal with his and mine in a relationship just make me feel sick. I feel like we'd just drown each other but then I feel guilty because he is a good person and I don't like that I feel that way.

from personal experience this is definitely a thing

what is a "good person", though? by extension, what does good even mean?
isn't a good one that doesn't cause anyone else problems?
obviously it's not intentional but if he's putting strain on you i wouldn't argue that he's "good". nice, maybe, but not good.

Reply 6

legobridge

Original post by Kaiju

He has plenty of good traits, kind, trustworthy and loyal, that's what I meant. He is always there when I need him to be and like wise. but yes in every day life he is difficult to be with but im sure me getting frustrated doesn't make me all that easy either. We definitely would never EVER be a good partnership.

It makes me sad he can't relax and just be himself and feels the need to please because if he didn't then a lot of problems wouldn't be there. No amount of telling him that will make him relax. Nor do I want to influence him so much by pushing him that he feels im shaping him to fit my mould.

Again, id feel a hypocrite if I said he wasn't a good person just because his anxiety issues caused problems. In my last relationship I practically ruined it by being so overworried that my bf felt he was walking on egg shells and unhappy and I ended up ending it so he could be happy...I wouldn't say I was a bad person though. Just not right for him or him me....I already know that about my friend which is why I wont be with him but that doesn't stop me feeling guilty or selfish about how much I dislike the idea or how frustrated I get

my friend tries to hard

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