Uni daughter living at home - parents still adjusting

I believe that even if your child is at a local university they should, if possible, spend a year in halls to make friends and develop their independence. Still you seem to be doing a fair job of letting them fly apart from waking them for lectures, they should have an alarm clock and make their own decision about getting up. They should also not be subsidised for all nights out. Are they cooking their own meals and sometimes one for you if you cook for them? The real test is probably going to come when she wants a partner to stay the night. Can you treat her as an adult sharing the house rather than your child?

It's not easy to let go of your child whether they are home or away because a parents instinct is to try and protect their child from all harm. But you have to keep telling yourself that it will do more harm than good in the long term when you arent there to protect them. In my family we have a coule of examples of people who really suffered from being spoilt by parents all their lives and not being allowed to make their own mistakes. Whenever I weaken I think of them. You've made a good start but try to back away a bit further over time.

I'm not a parent, so I probably shouldn't be in this forum, but I saw this post in the sidebar and ended up reading it. I couldn't just leave it unanswered.

You sound like wonderful parents. I'm sure that it will take a while to adjust, but it sounds like you're well on your way to creating an arrangement that is mutually beneficial and I'm sure that your daughter will love and appreciate you for it.

My parents ended up in a similar situation with my sister. She'd moved out, but ended up having to come home. So, my parents were faced with a daughter who was no longer a child but a young adult. They've made similar arrangements - my sister has a lot of freedom, but she will let my parents know if she's staying out late, or won't be home for dinner. They're there for her when she needs it, and she knows that she can talk with them at any time, about anything that worries her.

It's worked for them for a year now, and I hope that it will work out for you and your daughter. I'm confident that it will .

I dont even live with my mum and im in my mid 20s and she gets funny if she knows I stayed out late.. I do have a child though I will be the same tbh. I don't even like him going to nursery as I can't see whats going on and that terrifys me. If I could I would keep him at home for life.

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I can so relate to this on many levels.

Our younger son chose to go to one of our local universities because of the course not the geography. Fortunately that uni doesn't treat local students any differently to students from out of the area re accommodation and so he was able to secure a place in halls of res. I know this isn't possible for all unis especially ones in London.

In many ways he wasn't so worldly savvy re life skills so we thought it best he give living away a try with the safety net of coming back home if he needed. From a parental perspective we thought everything was hunky dory until he fessed up near results day that he'd not taken some exams because he'd got in a panic about not doing enough revision and having got the life/work balance wrong. Not that he is a party animal just that he'd worried more about coping domestically and neglected his work side a bit. Anyway all this was resolved when he sat the exams in August and sailed through marks wise although technically it was just graded a pass. Luckily the first year doesn't count towards the degree. Of course you beat yourself up worrying that you didn't prepare them right but it was a bit puzzling because his elder brother, who we thought we'd brought up the same, didn't have such problems, hey ho.

This year he has chosen to live away from home again but is sharing a house with some of his ex flat mates from last year. He says he's much more confident domestically and got his head around work, deadlines and coping with the house. We've also told him that if he starts to feel out of his depth again to speak up. Hopefully he's learned from this fright (as have we).

Anyway the thing is that somewhere down the line they're going to have to leave home for placements , work or so on. Hopefully your daughter has her head screwed on better than our son but the truth is you never know unless they try it. I can appreciate that there are those people for whom living at home is the only option financially or because they have other family responsibilities. Since this is your daughter's first year I'd guess that most of her cohort are in halls? If you can afford it I'd recommend she try a house or flat share next academic year when they're likely looking for private rental. She always has the family home as a fall back should problems arise and given that it sounds a loving supportive place that wouldn't be all bad would it ?

Putting on another hat now when I was at uni I lived at home and as much as I loved my parents to bits and they me, obviously, there was a sense of me apologising for coming and going when I pleased and not feeling as free (not wanting to cause them worry about what I was and wasn't doing).

In balance what I'm saying is that if she decides she wants to move out or gets chance to it might be a good experience not that I think you are in any way doing anything wrong.

All best wishes to you

Your comment about her not feeling free about her comings and goings resonates strongly with me, we are definitely going to have to check ourselves so as not to make her feel too restricted. I guess that we will just have to see how things go over the next few months.

My main area of concern is the money aspect -

However the job search seems to be somewhat desultory. As I said, she has distributed her CV but doesn't seem to be following up on any contacts. Nor did she say if she tried to look for student jobs within the uni. It is this that is niggling me most - the money would give her more independence and would make me feel better about her approach to the world of work.

So, any further advice on the subject of part - time jobs would be appreciated ☺

As an only child we have always encouraged our daughter to be safe but independent, and if she had gone to the UK we would have been delighted for her. However if she had gone, we would have known only what she told us about her university experience. I think that I am more worried about trying to get the balance between being supportive and of being overly intrusive. I am very aware that it is HER life, and I am concerned that I might be trying (a little! ) to live mine through hers 😕

Mine is on an intense course where working in term time isn't encouraged and really I think they do better if they don't have to work then. The summer holidays, however, are another matter. Did you pay for the holiday last year? We have a clear understanding with our child that while we will spoil them to an extent (we buy some clothes as Christmas/ birthday presents) we expect them to work in the summer to part fund their social life and holidays. They work part of each holiday, including Christmas and Easter. We are becoming tougher on money but my other half would spoil them more than I do so I have to work it slowly. Next summer they are looking to internships and it was gently made clear that they needed to work out how they'd pay for accommodation and transport if needed. There is a lot of retail work at Christmas, they should be able to find something. Major stores/ the post office may have online application.

This was funded from her own savings from a Saturday job that she had in fifth year, money from her 18th birthday and some from her grandmother. So she has found a job in the past

Next summer she is applying either a volunteer post in India or for a prestigious Ireland/America programme in the US in Washington DC (first years rarely get chosen but the volunteer programme would stand her in good stead to reapply for the end of second year).

Both programmes would support her CV post graduate, but she still would have some weeks for a summer job.

"Volunteer posts" in India are usually just a way of getting more tourist money into local economies. As a former interviewer I'd be more impressed by someone who had had a real job for the summer, even if it was dishwashing although if it will really help her apply for the American programme perhaps she should do it. I assume bank of Mum and Mum would be expected to pay for it again, not the way to encourage independence. Perhaps a loan to be repaid by working the rest of the summer....

"Volunteer posts" in India are usually just a way of getting more tourist money into local economies. As a former interviewer I'd be more impressed by someone who had had a real job for the summer, even if it was dishwashing although if it will really help her apply for the American programme perhaps she should do it. I assume bank of Mum and Mum would be expected to pay for it again, not the way to encourage independence. Perhaps a loan to be repaid by working the rest of the summer....

"Volunteer posts" in India are usually just a way of getting more tourist money into local economies. As a former interviewer I'd be more impressed by someone who had had a real job for the summer, even if it was dishwashing although if it will really help her apply for the American programme perhaps she should do it. I assume bank of Mum and Mum would be expected to pay for it again, not the way to encourage independence. Perhaps a loan to be repaid by working the rest of the summer....