Need advice on this, been meeting a much older man and not sure if I'm being used...

Ok so just wanted some advice as I'm not sure how to handle things as I'm not used to relationships etc I've spent most of my life single. I'm female, aged 29 (if it makes a difference) and have had a secret crush on a man in his 50's who goes to my climbing club for years. He has been training me/helping me with climbing for years on and off ever since I was 20 (was very distant at times wouldn't see him for months) I suppose if I have to psychoanalyse myself more than anything I liked the fact that someone was showing some interest in me/that they care etc. He is one of those womanizers who has never married and has had lots of women but go fed up of them for some reason or other (lots of red flags I know) His personality is decent though he isn't just about women he loves climbing and he has taken an interest in me/sacrificed a lot of his time to help me in the past. At times I have almost ignored him as I'm always shy around him and so he deliberately stopped talking to me and said that if I'm not saying Hi and making an effort to talk then other people won't. I told myself to stop being stupid and tried to act more normal lol. I suppose this is what contributed to me being single ie I wasn't interested in relationships because of the crush.

Basically I've been feeling the same for years (without him or anyone knowing) when he talked to me/gave some attention I felt happy for ages after but if he ignored me I would start to feel quite low. I've always been very quiet and have probably come across as a loner. I realised that this isn't really normal nor good for me so instead of feeling low I've been making an effort to be more rational get out more, meet other people Anyway believe it or not after a night out with the climbers he has suddenly taken an interest in me, started texting almost everyday, we have been for drinks and to a theatre play where we shared a drink and he held my hand. He wants me to go round to watch some TV with him. He even said that I could go for a weekend away for him (him and his ex had booked it but he said he ended it as he got sick of her drinking) So basically he wanted me to take her place lol. He has way more energy than me, he has text several times asking if I'm free for lunch and I hadn't even had my breakfast lol.

I have never seen him be so nice! He used to insult me for not attending climbing enough now he is suggesting I miss the session to go out with him. I suppose it's like a dream come true for me except now that I'm suddenly getting all this attention from him it feels weird, I feel a little creeped out at times cause of the age gap and it kind of feels like he is using me to get one thing. I mean before if he had touched me/grabbed my hand whatever in a joking way I would get turned on, but when I went on that night out with him holding his hand felt odd. Yet I do enjoy his company, love talking to him and the feeling that he is interested in me/cares in whatever way. He seems as though he genuinely likes me but then his texts suggest that he just wants sex. But then he doesn't seem to be nasty personality wise so why would he take advantage/just use someone for sex who he has known for years??

I guess I just wanted advice. Why have I had feelings for him all these years and now suddenly Im getting the attention it's all too much for me and feels weird?? Is he just after sex, if so can men in general really be that mean as to use someone who they known for years.. I really enjoy spending time with him (as his mate would) but sex I'm not sure about yet. I don't want to lead him on it's not fair on him but every time I see him I can't bring myself to tell him that I just want to friends because I'm not even sure myself. I make sure I pay my share of drinks/meals etc as I don't want to 'owe' him anything ie something in return like sex. He doesn't drive so I do all the driving What's most important to me is that I don't ever want to fall out with him. Another thing is people at the climbing club have found out and I don't want them thinking I'm weird for going out with someone much older. As I said I've been single most of my life so am inexperienced with it all so am just looking for sensible advice..

Reply 1

laur8

If you like him, then just see how it goes and see what his intentions really are. Just make sure you don't do anything you don't want to, you're not leading him on by spending time with him and you don't owe him sex.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by laur8

Ok thanks.

Out of interest what do guys think of this is it ok to spend time with him on if I'm not sure about it going further/sex etc?

Reply 3

Inazuma

Yes, just try not to give the wrong impression- if it comes down to it try to establish boundaries for now.
It's really not a big age gap, the only thing is your inexperience leaves you a little vulnerable.
You say he's a womaniser etc., it's hard to gauge myself his intentions etc, as they aren't all bad- so I would just go slowly and try not to get too involved if it does go wrong :smile:

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Inazuma

Posted from TSR Mobile

Thanks. I think the age gap is very big as I'm 29 and he is 56 so it's like 27 years gap.
I remember my 28 year old male cousin laughing when someone suggested he ask out an older woman in her late 50's he said she's was old enough to be her grandma. He texts everyday asking if I want to do something and I can't keep up lol I'm very introverted and have always preferred my own company.. But I don't want to reject him. Sometimes I wish I was male so that I can just have fun with males without worrying about having to give sex.

Reply 5

Inazuma

Original post by Anonymous

Lol, I'd still say it wasn't that big :tongue:

Yeah I get very irritated if someone messages me that often, I like to have my own time. Sadly the split side of me if it gets too annoyed then completely blanks them if it gets way too much (i.e. one guy sent 30 messages before I replied..)
So I would maybe just slow down the messaging - I now reply to people who I can stand / like every evening perhaps rather than 24/7. Establishes me time!
Haha!

Reply 6

Clip

Not being mean, but you either grow up and give it up and see where you get - or you play games and it gets old for him really fast.

At your stage in life (the both of you) there is no time or energy for messing about with who-thinks-who-likes-who. I would be 100% certain that if he invites you round or asks you out any more - he would expect you to either say yes and sleep with him, or say no.

All this stuff about "is he only after sex" "don't want to lead him on" is the kind of thing that should have ended for you nearly 10 years ago - and 35 years ago for him.

Reply 7

llys

Well at worst you may have to give up the climbing club if it doesn't work out. So you may as well give it a shot... On the other hand, you do not sound very compatible (very extroverted vs very introverted), so I don't think this would work as a long-term relationship.

It depends what you want from this. If you are going with this at the moment purely for the attention, then you should stop now, because that's not fair on him; he obviously wants more, and could reasonably expect you to also want more by now (he probably assumes that at 29 you are reasonably experienced). If you are fine with companionship and sex, go ahead and do what you want. You are a 29 year old adult with a fully functioning brain - nobody is using you any more than you are using them.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by Clip

I know you would think that he would have settled down by now rather than going through all these different women lol. My aunt is in her 50's and dated a man of a similar age who used her just for sex then left. People don't stop using each other for sex after a certain age. There's no time for messing about for him as he is nearly 57 I'm only 29 but yea most people are used to relationships at my age I'm not as I've never thought about them and have just done my own thing..so I'm not used to all the affection etc

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by llys

Yea true it works both ways I could be using him too for all he knows. I know that I don't want to give up the climbing club I've been going for over 10 years, he has been going for over 40 lol. So yea whatever happens I'm not giving up going to there.

Reply 10

Clip

Original post by Anonymous

I'm not saying that he should or shouldn't have settled down by now.

I'm saying that after the age of about 25, there is no room for playing games - you either want to be mates and just do the rock climbing, or you want to go out on dates in which case you have sex. If you try looking for anything else in between, it will get really annoying for him. That's up to you, of course - but you have to recognise that "only wanting sex" is no less valid an objective than yours - presumably wanting some companionship or romance.

Reply 11

Studentus-anonymous

Original post by Foo.mp3

WTF did I just read!? :lolwut:

Right, here's the thing. He's fond of you, and also wants to **** you. Beyond that we cannot possibly second guess his intentions, or future plans, and he may not know himself until he's ****ed you tbh - sometimes I am that way with girls (even including ones I've been friends with for a while)

If having sex, to you, is about fretting over 'giving it away', then with all due respect I would question whether you are ready to have sex with anyone, least of all a very foward and somewhat pushy womaniser nearly twice your age!

My suggestion would be to explain to him that you value your friendship, enjoy his company, and want to take things slow. Also that you are not the kind of girl to have adult relations outside a high quality, secure relationship (if this is fair), and that you trust that he respects and understands that, as someone you regard as a good friend

Good luck Jim!

This, as you said yourself OP:

you

his texts suggest that he just wants sex.

All we know is he is pursuing you, and he seems very forward in his texts.

A lot of guys think with their dicks and what we have is you thinking with, well, your lady bits.
On the one hand you can smell something fishy about him (his sudden interest, his womanizing non-commital ways, the fact he is blatantly bringing up sex in texts.
On the other you're inexperienced and horny and you clearly want action at some level, but it's whether you want it with a more age appropriate guy who is genuinely patient and respectful of your wants and needs (proper relationship?) or with a guy who to me at least sounds like he could very easily drop you after one or so times, and then make your climbing club very difficult for you.

Personally? My advice would be to NOT associate romantically and sexually with this man, whom you don't have the experience and confidence to come away from unscathed. If you want experience and some casual sex try Tinder or some random nice bloke on a night out Someone who if you never see again cannot really impact your life too much.

But basically what the guy I quoted above has said. It's really up to you and we cannot know the ins and outs of his intentions and reliability for your wants and needs from him.

It's your risk to assess unfortunately.