Stay friends or move on?!

Sorry in advance for the long post, but I’m in a bit of a dilemma and am looking for advice – basically I don’t know whether or not to keep in contact with someone who rejected me and who I have enjoyed a very good friendship with. I’ll summarise:

I was very good friends with a girl for my first two years at uni. As third year progressed I started spending a lot more time with her and only then I realised that I genuinely cared about her and wanted more than a friendship. So I asked her out around Easter time. She rejected me in the kindest way, saying that she saw me as nothing more than a very good friend. I hold nothing against her for it. I took it surprisingly well at first - I was visibly down about it for a while, but we still spoke and agreed to carry on as we did before.

Not long later she tells me she now has a boyfriend – someone that she had known for years and had asked her out a couple of times previously. This basically quashed any optimistic hopes I had that she might reconsider me (probably did me a favour in that sense) and is when the rejection hit home. I’m normally a very measured person but I became quite angry, rather selfishly, and I didn’t want this to rub off on her so I decided to distance myself - I stopped replying to her texts and ignored her in social situations. This clearly upset her, so I told her that I still had feelings and the best way for me to get over them would be for us to distance ourselves. What then really got to me was that she then arranged for her boyfriend to come up to visit – I have no idea why she decided to do that to me (we lived next to each other in halls) – so I approached her and asked her to try and keep their distance. When he did come she did the opposite. I think she wanted me to meet him, but I was having none of it and was blatantly very rude in front of him, which she took offense to (and which I now regret).

Anyway, to cut this already long story short, she left in the summer on a sour note whilst I have stayed on to do another year, but she has been texting me and wanting to keep in contact because she valued the friendship we had. She certainly deserves the happiness she has now, she’s been though a lot, but it’s painful when you think it should be you sharing in that happiness. I’ve moved on a lot since, I went out with someone else over the summer, but even then she was always somewhere the back of my mind. I really want to stay in touch because we had the most amazing friendship, but then again I know if I do I will be reminded of what I could never have had and I want to move on with my life. Cutting her out completely is also awkward for my whole friendship group and I don’t really want to do it, but I feel it may be necessary for my own sanity. Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Reply 1

az08

Firstly well done on cutting contact initially, you did the right thing. Secondly for her to get her boyfriend to visit her is fair enough, but for then to want you to meet him, well its pretty clear why. After you distanced yourself from her, she realised that she was not the centre of your world any more (and rightly so as she rejected you, so you had to move on), and wanted to make you feel jealous so that you would start giving her attention again, pining after her. So well done for the second time for not allowing her to do that, I dont think you did anything wrong by being rude, she was being very selfish. If she actually cared about you she would have given you your space to get over her.

Anyway as for what to do now, well that completely depends on how you feel about her, whether you could handle just being friends, while shes getting banged by someone else. Yep, neither could I, and Ive been in this situation a few times, so my advice is to move on.

Lastly, in general any girl who you want to sleep with, you dont want to just be friends with. Either make them your lover, or cut contact, its not really worth doing just friends stuff with them, you got your guy friends for that.

Stay friends or move on?!

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