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Student sex life vs LDR

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years we know each other very well and neither of us can bear the thought of cheating on each other. However, when it comes to university, we have very differing views.I would be in Falmouth and he in Cambridge so it would cost us about £80 in train fares to get back and forth, we were thinking 3 weeks at most to see each other but both agree it's too long, though we can't really afford any shorter periods.

He believes that the whole point of student life (minus the degree bit) is to go out, have fun, party all night, drink and bring home someone for a one night stand. He believes that being in a relationship with me means he won't be able to do that, therefore would be missing out, and he's worried that he might accidentally cheat on me (last thing he wants to do). He has suggested going on a break for at least the first few months to do that and just have fun.

However, I disagree that having sex with other students is solely the joy of student life and I don't believe it really is needed. I don't see the appeal in going out getting drunk with some random person I don't know just to have sex, when I have a perfectly good boyfriend (Although we would see each other less than one night stands might crop up). He says there is a difference between having sex with me and having sex with random people because he loves me, but that just makes me think of Neil from the In-betweeners when he says "Oh, it's ok because we're not kissing" - My boyfriend's defence was "it's different because I love you". I'm refusing to go on a break, because in the meantime I would effectively be 'offering him out on loan', while he has his hands on some other woman. I hate this idea and it really upsets me, a little like I'm not quite good enough for him so he's running off to find something better while I sit on the sidelines waiting for university to end so we might get back together.

Also, to sum up my opinion, if it has taken us 3 and a half year to get to this stage, we have both agreed that this means we have put love, trust and effort into our relationship to get this far. WHY? Is it not inappropriate then to just give away yourself to some random person on some random night? It makes our whole relationship feel worthless and to be quite frank makes me feel sick. He means way too much to me to just offer him up to all those other women out there, but at the same time, he feels as though he would be missing out if we continued the relationship throughout.

Please help we've been talking it over and over and none of us can come to any compromises :'(

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Original post by Anonymous
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years we know each other very well and neither of us can bear the thought of cheating on each other. However, when it comes to university, we have very differing views.I would be in Falmouth and he in Cambridge so it would cost us about £80 in train fares to get back and forth, we were thinking 3 weeks at most to see each other but both agree it's too long, though we can't really afford any shorter periods.

He believes that the whole point of student life (minus the degree bit) is to go out, have fun, party all night, drink and bring home someone for a one night stand. He believes that being in a relationship with me means he won't be able to do that, therefore would be missing out, and he's worried that he might accidentally cheat on me (last thing he wants to do). He has suggested going on a break for at least the first few months to do that and just have fun.

However, I disagree that having sex with other students is solely the joy of student life and I don't believe it really is needed. I don't see the appeal in going out getting drunk with some random person I don't know just to have sex, when I have a perfectly good boyfriend (Although we would see each other less than one night stands might crop up). He says there is a difference between having sex with me and having sex with random people because he loves me, but that just makes me think of Neil from the In-betweeners when he says "Oh, it's ok because we're not kissing" - My boyfriend's defence was "it's different because I love you". I'm refusing to go on a break, because in the meantime I would effectively be 'offering him out on loan', while he has his hands on some other woman. I hate this idea and it really upsets me, a little like I'm not quite good enough for him so he's running off to find something better while I sit on the sidelines waiting for university to end so we might get back together.

Also, to sum up my opinion, if it has taken us 3 and a half year to get to this stage, we have both agreed that this means we have put love, trust and effort into our relationship to get this far. WHY? Is it not inappropriate then to just give away yourself to some random person on some random night? It makes our whole relationship feel worthless and to be quite frank makes me feel sick. He means way too much to me to just offer him up to all those other women out there, but at the same time, he feels as though he would be missing out if we continued the relationship throughout.

Please help we've been talking it over and over and none of us can come to any compromises :'(


Firstly sorry this took a bit of time to be approved. I think he is being really mean to you there and has clearly made his mind up that he is going to play the field when he goes to Uni. You deserve so much better and to be honest i'd day if he feels he can't be faithful then just give him the boot now. Such a shame he feels like this after 3 and a half years, I would be feeling really sick as well. If he really loved you he would not even consider playing the field.
Have an open relationship. Problem solved.
Sounds like a pretty bad boyfriend, tbh
He wants to go the University of Cambridge and have sex.

He has a disgusting work ethic.

I call bs.
Just don't let him use you as an option either.
Reply 6
Ohhhh he is going to be so disappointed if he goes to uni with that attitude haha
Original post by Inazuma
Ohhhh he is going to be so disappointed if he goes to uni with that attitude haha


Ha yeah then running back to the OP and hopefully the OP telling him to get stuffed.
Reply 8
Anyway.
He is being a douche - but I also think uni can bring a lot of relationships to an end.
To be honest, I would suggest ending it. It's clear he has no intention of being faithful, but nor is it fair to try to impose that upon you or for you to stop him. I can see his point a little - but it's overzealous as he hasn't even been yet.
It sounds like a long relationship but many things come to an end, and when you both have such different opinions and outlooks I think it suggests this.
I've just started uni and I was with my boyfriend for just under a year and so far it's working out fine. We see each other every three weeks and it's hard but it's so nice when we meet up it almost reminds us of why we stayed together. And we have both gone out since and both had fun but neither have brought anyone else home or anything like that as we both love each other and respect each other. If he feels like he can't do that then he obviously isn't worth your time and effort. And uni is not like that btw yes there is drinking and yes some people do sleep around but majority don't.


Posted from TSR Mobile
Tbh I think you should end it. It shows how much he values you. If he wants to have sex with other women then you know where you stand. If my boyfriend said that to me then I'd leave him, without hesitation.

Posted from TSR Mobile
He wants to have his cake and eat it. He obviously doesn't value your relationship that much if he think he will accidentally cheat which means he will cheat but will use accidental as an excuse. You deserve better, it's unfair on you. Don't be a stand by option, he wants to test the water see if their is anything better and if not your his back up. Don't do that!


Posted from TSR Mobile
That is extremely unfair on you, especially as you two have been together for so long! I'm down in Falmouth and I don't know anyone who has had the typical student night out and ons. Most people down here seem to be in an ldr or aren't too interested in the whole student scene although that could be due to the not so great night life! My boyfriend is 4 1/2hrs away, it is painful not to be with him everyday but we make it work, which is how it should be if both people are totally committed to the relationship.
Original post by fnatic NateDestiel
He wants to go the University of Cambridge and have sex.

He has a disgusting work ethic.

I call bs.



It's anglia ruskin in cambridge
I honestly can't believe that you can truly love someone, and be able to consider cheating on them. If he's already concerned that he might 'accidentally' cheat on you, what does that say about how much he values you/your relationship?

It sounds like he's taking you for granted. :/ When I've been in love with someone, I haven't wanted to do the whole 'one night stand' thing. Tbh, that doesn't even really appeal to me when I'm single. Why would someone want to do it when they have a (seemingly) happy relationship?

The best I can advise is to talk to him and tell him how this is making you feel, and make him realise he can't have both. He can't just drop you, have loads of random sex, then come back. Taking the piss would be an understatement!
It sucks, but at least he's been honest rather than going off and just cheating.
Anyway, your views are clearly incompatible. Either you're cool with an open relationship drop it.
Personally I'd say your best bet is tell him you don't want to be with someone who isn't that interested in you and end it. Either he misses you and comes back or you had a lucky break.
You have to choose, either:

- A serious committed healthy relationship where neither of you knowingly cause great anxiety and suffering to the other (which doesn't mean it has to be closed, open relationships can work just as well but they're not a fantasy perfect land: you have to be the right kind of people, get into them for the right reasons, set them up together [even if it was first suggested by one, as it normally is] and work at maintaining them equally just like any relationship; which it doesn't sound like from what you've said this situation is conducive of or that it would suit your personality type)

- Being single and free to act without needing to consider the needs of another person constantly
(or any shade of lesser temporary relationships in between but you're obviously not in one)

Both have their positives and negatives.
To try and have only the best of both is just wrong. You can't hurt people for convenience.

You obviously want to be with him, he doesn't necessarily want to be with you more than he wants to **** around. You have to tell him in no uncertain terms that what he wants is impossible, it will ruin your relationship - you will never feel or relate in the same way to him again, so he has to choose instead.
It's hard, but it's probably for the best that he chooses to end it. It sounds like there will be a messy drawn out ending with cheating instead if he doesn't. The positive is that he was honest with you so you can start to think about what you want and need in life now/be aware that this is going to be rocky rather than getting hit by surprise.
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 17
Unfortunately it doesn't matter if you don't see the appeal. If this is really what he wants, then you should break up. I agree with you: don't go on a "break" or open relationship if you feel that it's just so that he can have his cake and eat it. You are either both committed to each other or you are not.
Original post by Rock Fan
Ha yeah then running back to the OP and hopefully the OP telling him to get stuffed.


Exactly the same thing happened to my friend last year. Her boyfriend got into Imperial and told her that he wanted to end it in case he cheats (lol, Imperial of all places) and he wanted the "student lifestyle", basically.

Fast-forward two months and he came running back, after discovering that it's slim pickings out there.
Reply 19
Original post by Катя
Exactly the same thing happened to my friend last year. Her boyfriend got into Imperial and told her that he wanted to end it in case he cheats (lol, Imperial of all places) and he wanted the "student lifestyle", basically.

Fast-forward two months and he came running back, after discovering that it's slim pickings out there.


:rofl: Did she take him back?

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