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I thought I was gay and I broke up with my girlfriend.....

I have always enjoyed watching both straight and gay porn. Back when I was in year 9, watching straight porn and realising I was attracted to the male genital and their muscular physique. But it never really come across my mind that I am gay because I never had a crush on boys, I was just attracted to their body form while watching porn.

2 years ago, when I was in my 2nd year in Uni, I met a girl through sports who I really liked. We went out for a few dates and then she became my girlfriend. We never had sex, for religious reason. I really enjoyed her company and I really liked her but watching gay porn made me feel really guilty. I felt like I was not honest, I was hiding from her. And because she is such a nice girl, I felt that she doesnt deserve a guy who is not into girls.

That feeling got between us and then it was exam season so we didnt see each other much, and then I broke up with her after June exams face to face. That was our half a year relationship. She told me she felt that I've been shying away from her the month before June so she felt that I never liked her, I just wanted company.

I questioned myself whether her statement was true. Whether I never liked her and just wanted a girl date coz that's what straight people do.

I have been thinking a lot about my sexuality. I think I am bisexual, I am attracted to naked women too, but never lesbian act like all other boys. I enjoyed POV video with a girl doing the act, and I still enjoyed gay porn.

After the break up, I have had some other dates but I realised I still miss my ex a lot.

I went to her in January, 7 months after our break up and told her I wanted to get back with her. I told her about that the way I feel about gay porn and she didnt think it was a problem. (I was so dumb I didnt mention I was attracted to both sex, now that I think about it she might think I am completely gay) But she said she didnt want to get back with me. I asked her where were we at, what was I to her. She said I was a little bit more than a best friend but just that, nothing more. Before I left her flat, she asked me three times if I had any other questions for her. I didn't.

Ever since that confession I've been keeping in touch with her, just normal chatting, nothing special. In June, I wrote her a letter asking her to take me back again, and told her if she didnt want me back anymore, please ignore me completely because I was in hell, I couldn't deal with the feeling not being one of the most important person in her life like I used to be.

We have never spoken ever since. We stopped texting, no contact what so ever. except for my birthday she sent me a birthday wish and a little convo afterward but it was extremely awkward.

I am still really hung up on her and I can't forget this girl, I can't get through this. I have met another girl a month ago and we have been flirting a lot, but I couldnt convince myself to go out with this new girl coz I miss my ex so much and I don't know how to get into a new relationship regardless of my new date's gender. I even felt guilty flirting with this other girl even though I am single.

I am not worried about my sexuality anymore, I am open to dating men and women. The thing is I want to get back with my ex so bad...... but we havent spoken in almost half a year now, and I've tried asking her out again twice (Jan and June) before. Doest that mean I am completely hopeless?

I need some advices from you guys.

Reply 1

Kittiara

I'm afraid that it looks like she's made up her mind. You've asked her several times, and it didn't happen. It's time to move on. Perhaps this new girl isn't the answer, because you're not over your ex yet, but in general I don't see the problem with dating a girl. You're attracted to both genders, and that is fine.

I wouldn't let that attraction stand in the way of relationships with either gender. There are plenty of bisexual men and women who have happy relationships with someone of the opposite gender - as you know, if you fall for someone, you fall for someone, and you may enjoy porn with someone of the same gender, but that doesn't mean that the relationship can't work.

As for your ex, though, it really is time to let go. It's a shame that what happened, happened, but she just doesn't feel the same way about you, or no longer does. That hurts, but you will find someone else who you will grow to love.