In my mid thirties and regretting not trying harder socially at uni
This may sound weird but here goes.......
1999 - Uni no 1 (York) - got placed with mainly mature students in a house a mile and half from campus (18 at time.) Although went out with people from house, felt I was missing out and transferred into campus in late October. By then , felt I had 'missed out' on Freshers and did not speak to flatmates so ended up with no friends. Tried changing major but got thoroughly depressed (suicidal even) and dropped out.
2000 - Uni no 2 (Birmingham) applied to Halls and got in. First evening/second day felt OK but then was with a group and felt I was not contributing to the conversation and not sure how to. Returned to my room and made the fateful decision not to come out again that evening. Come the next day feeling guilty and beating myself up about this, but confidence shot to pieces and again hide in my room come the evening. Felt like it had gone utterly Pete Tong and decided to come home on Saturday (I lived within commuting distance.) Sunday went back to clear my stuff out and went back Sunday night. Was 'invited out' of my room by hallmates even though they knew I was 'leaving.' which made me feel in two minds! Anyway, the Hall manager basically told me on Monday I could not leave. So agreed to come back and live in knowing I could go home at weekends. Only 6 days in and felt I had blown it - again. However, I was invited to hang out with a group that night and actually for around a month when I was there (I went home at weekends and sometimes Tuesday night) it wasnt too bad, also went to a club one night. However, I was spiralling into a depression and having though I had done badly on a Maths multiple choice test (I got 40% although the year average turned out to be 12%) I started avoiding tutorial, and then all of Monday Afternoons as I knew my tutor would 'find' me then. After a few weeks of this I was called to a meeting with the Head of faculty where I explained my situation. Anyway, ended up getting mid sixties in the year, although socially it was a busted flush, I just went back to my room and shut myself in after lectures. Interestingly, a girl on my hall invited me to a drinking game at the weekend (which I didn't go to) in March, around 5 months after I started shutting myself in, after one night I just thought 'sod it' and sat with my hallmates in the corridor! (At this point I was taking St Johns Wort which helped!) By the Summer I just went in for revision and exams and went out a couple of times with my lab partner and his friends.
Anyway, second and third year commuted from home, felt a lot more 'stable' although at the back of my mind though I ought to try and move into a house nearer campus. Got my degree and did a PGCE and then started my career.
So up until recently I have always accepted what happened happened because of depression and the fact I was very shy socially at that age (I am considerably more confident now although lack a partner.) However, weirdly, on going clubbing one Friday, I got dancing with some Freshers (I am guessing this due to the wristbands etc) and while I didn't have a one night stand or anything, the episode made my experience at Uni come crashing back as if it was yesterday.It also doesn't help I work in Birmingham as well, although the hall I stayed in has been knocked down, places to remind me full on of 2000 are too easy to find. Two weeks later and it is not going away - I am considering taking antidepressants! There is a strong feeling of regret I gave up too easily (even though I am pleased I completed my degree second time round) and thoughts of wishing time machines existed so I can 'have a word' with my past self! Although I would never act on such a thought, once it even occured to me the best solution is to commit suicide, come back as a more confident person and get Freshers 2034 right! In a more general sense, although I have been historically quite content in my own company, I have just had enough now and want to share my life with someone!
I post this for two reasons.
1. If you are still at uni in your first year feeling you have no friends etc, yes you have 'lost' the first few 'games of the season' but you owe it to your future sanity to get out of your room and try! As my invite to drinking games 5 months in proves, people can be remarkably forgiving about your no-show earlier! And if you're at Birmingham I'll come and personally drag you out if you wish!
2. Is anyone feeling the same as me? And how do you put past regrets behind you?
1999 - Uni no 1 (York) - got placed with mainly mature students in a house a mile and half from campus (18 at time.) Although went out with people from house, felt I was missing out and transferred into campus in late October. By then , felt I had 'missed out' on Freshers and did not speak to flatmates so ended up with no friends. Tried changing major but got thoroughly depressed (suicidal even) and dropped out.
2000 - Uni no 2 (Birmingham) applied to Halls and got in. First evening/second day felt OK but then was with a group and felt I was not contributing to the conversation and not sure how to. Returned to my room and made the fateful decision not to come out again that evening. Come the next day feeling guilty and beating myself up about this, but confidence shot to pieces and again hide in my room come the evening. Felt like it had gone utterly Pete Tong and decided to come home on Saturday (I lived within commuting distance.) Sunday went back to clear my stuff out and went back Sunday night. Was 'invited out' of my room by hallmates even though they knew I was 'leaving.' which made me feel in two minds! Anyway, the Hall manager basically told me on Monday I could not leave. So agreed to come back and live in knowing I could go home at weekends. Only 6 days in and felt I had blown it - again. However, I was invited to hang out with a group that night and actually for around a month when I was there (I went home at weekends and sometimes Tuesday night) it wasnt too bad, also went to a club one night. However, I was spiralling into a depression and having though I had done badly on a Maths multiple choice test (I got 40% although the year average turned out to be 12%) I started avoiding tutorial, and then all of Monday Afternoons as I knew my tutor would 'find' me then. After a few weeks of this I was called to a meeting with the Head of faculty where I explained my situation. Anyway, ended up getting mid sixties in the year, although socially it was a busted flush, I just went back to my room and shut myself in after lectures. Interestingly, a girl on my hall invited me to a drinking game at the weekend (which I didn't go to) in March, around 5 months after I started shutting myself in, after one night I just thought 'sod it' and sat with my hallmates in the corridor! (At this point I was taking St Johns Wort which helped!) By the Summer I just went in for revision and exams and went out a couple of times with my lab partner and his friends.
Anyway, second and third year commuted from home, felt a lot more 'stable' although at the back of my mind though I ought to try and move into a house nearer campus. Got my degree and did a PGCE and then started my career.
So up until recently I have always accepted what happened happened because of depression and the fact I was very shy socially at that age (I am considerably more confident now although lack a partner.) However, weirdly, on going clubbing one Friday, I got dancing with some Freshers (I am guessing this due to the wristbands etc) and while I didn't have a one night stand or anything, the episode made my experience at Uni come crashing back as if it was yesterday.It also doesn't help I work in Birmingham as well, although the hall I stayed in has been knocked down, places to remind me full on of 2000 are too easy to find. Two weeks later and it is not going away - I am considering taking antidepressants! There is a strong feeling of regret I gave up too easily (even though I am pleased I completed my degree second time round) and thoughts of wishing time machines existed so I can 'have a word' with my past self! Although I would never act on such a thought, once it even occured to me the best solution is to commit suicide, come back as a more confident person and get Freshers 2034 right! In a more general sense, although I have been historically quite content in my own company, I have just had enough now and want to share my life with someone!
I post this for two reasons.
1. If you are still at uni in your first year feeling you have no friends etc, yes you have 'lost' the first few 'games of the season' but you owe it to your future sanity to get out of your room and try! As my invite to drinking games 5 months in proves, people can be remarkably forgiving about your no-show earlier! And if you're at Birmingham I'll come and personally drag you out if you wish!
2. Is anyone feeling the same as me? And how do you put past regrets behind you?
I've finished my degree, spent all 4 years of it with zero social contact. Major depression (though I refused to accept I was medically depressed, another issue entirely).
I'm glad how it turned out though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for that experience, and now I feel like I can understand other people better. I've also learnt that I enjoy my own company much more than forcing myself to hanging out with other people no matter how lovely they are
the only difference now is that I choose when to be alone, instead of feeling like I was a cast out.
Basically don't waste time hanging onto regrets. Regretting means you still think there's a chance to fix those moments you've messed up, but there isn't. The only thing you can do is make new moments and make a plan for the future
I'm glad how it turned out though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for that experience, and now I feel like I can understand other people better. I've also learnt that I enjoy my own company much more than forcing myself to hanging out with other people no matter how lovely they are
the only difference now is that I choose when to be alone, instead of feeling like I was a cast out.Basically don't waste time hanging onto regrets. Regretting means you still think there's a chance to fix those moments you've messed up, but there isn't. The only thing you can do is make new moments and make a plan for the future
I'm a third year student at uni and since my time at uni, I've not been clubbing, or to a party, or joined any societies or been part of any group at all. I think part of the reason for this is that I was extremely shy when I started uni and it's probably also the reason I have no friends at uni. A part of me does regret not doing more socially and a part of me envies those who have great memories at university...too bad it's too late to change things. If I could go back in time I would have probably just tried a lot harder to be confident.
Thanks for the responses, interestingly now I feel a lot less bothered about the period than I did just a week ago! Part of that is actually this site, talking to others who have gone through similar is acting as an outlet and knowing I can give advice and hindsight to those going through tough times!
Simply93 - its not quite too late yet. Of course, being in your final (?) year your studies will be most important but at the extreme (do you commute from home currently) you could always apply for Halls for the Spring/Summer term but think very carefully about it - what you won't want is to end up partying like mad/getting woken up by the Freshers and not getting enough revision done!
Get in your student union bar if you've never been even if you drink alone. Its a box to tick and a good one to get ticked (yes I have a bit of a tick box mentality.)
Simply93 - its not quite too late yet. Of course, being in your final (?) year your studies will be most important but at the extreme (do you commute from home currently) you could always apply for Halls for the Spring/Summer term but think very carefully about it - what you won't want is to end up partying like mad/getting woken up by the Freshers and not getting enough revision done!
Get in your student union bar if you've never been even if you drink alone. Its a box to tick and a good one to get ticked (yes I have a bit of a tick box mentality.)
Original post by coffeecakey
I've finished my degree, spent all 4 years of it with zero social contact. Major depression (though I refused to accept I was medically depressed, another issue entirely).
I'm glad how it turned out though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for that experience, and now I feel like I can understand other people better. I've also learnt that I enjoy my own company much more than forcing myself to hanging out with other people no matter how lovely they are the only difference now is that I choose when to be alone, instead of feeling like I was a cast out.
Basically don't waste time hanging onto regrets. Regretting means you still think there's a chance to fix those moments you've messed up, but there isn't. The only thing you can do is make new moments and make a plan for the future
I'm glad how it turned out though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for that experience, and now I feel like I can understand other people better. I've also learnt that I enjoy my own company much more than forcing myself to hanging out with other people no matter how lovely they are
the only difference now is that I choose when to be alone, instead of feeling like I was a cast out.Basically don't waste time hanging onto regrets. Regretting means you still think there's a chance to fix those moments you've messed up, but there isn't. The only thing you can do is make new moments and make a plan for the future
Part of me did feel like that - I simply preferred to be alone and being with others most of the day felt somewhat overwhelming. Weirdly though its like my brain regressed to wanting to be 18 and in Halls this time being sociable over the last few weeks!
Original post by coffeecakey
I've finished my degree, spent all 4 years of it with zero social contact. Major depression (though I refused to accept I was medically depressed, another issue entirely).
I'm glad how it turned out though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for that experience, and now I feel like I can understand other people better. I've also learnt that I enjoy my own company much more than forcing myself to hanging out with other people no matter how lovely they are the only difference now is that I choose when to be alone, instead of feeling like I was a cast out.
Basically don't waste time hanging onto regrets. Regretting means you still think there's a chance to fix those moments you've messed up, but there isn't. The only thing you can do is make new moments and make a plan for the future
I'm glad how it turned out though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for that experience, and now I feel like I can understand other people better. I've also learnt that I enjoy my own company much more than forcing myself to hanging out with other people no matter how lovely they are
the only difference now is that I choose when to be alone, instead of feeling like I was a cast out.Basically don't waste time hanging onto regrets. Regretting means you still think there's a chance to fix those moments you've messed up, but there isn't. The only thing you can do is make new moments and make a plan for the future
Maybe thats part of the problem as well, a level of socialness is expected at Uni which is not 'natural' for some people.
For those wondering as well, I was aware I found it hard to make friends as early as the age of 5, although at the time I put it down to not being able to relate to my peers due to my being cleverer than them (this is not narcissism, I was doing separate maths to the rest of the class from 5 and I came top of nearly 200 students in my year in GCSEs.)
If anyone is shy there’s lots of societies and sport clubs that don’t focus on going out drinking and collecting traffic cones at 3am on a weeknight.
I’m at MMU in Manchester and there’s societies for everyone here. There’s board game society, specialist computer game society (think WOW and Neverwinter), I think there’s a DND society? there’s also a society attached to every course (I study history and there’s two! (One for history and one for ancient history) you can also join another courses societies too - our chemistry society put on a pizza crawl night out last year and you could go along even if you didn’t take chemistry!
There’s loads of non-aggressive sports too (I’m saying this for the usual football, rugby that introverts like me generally don’t buy into) These are usually- climbing, kayaking/canoeing, martial arts, softball, fencing. These don’t usually attract the stereotypical “jocks” that I like to avoid! Not into fresher initiations? Ask if there will be one and if there is, don’t join the club. Lots of clubs are moving away from initiations now and many universities are actively encouraging a culture change to stop them - they’re outdated and dangerous).
If you’re going into uni even if you’re not a party animal then join a society. If there isn’t one for what you’re in to, start your own! It’s really easy and your Union should be able to support you with that.
I’m at MMU in Manchester and there’s societies for everyone here. There’s board game society, specialist computer game society (think WOW and Neverwinter), I think there’s a DND society? there’s also a society attached to every course (I study history and there’s two! (One for history and one for ancient history) you can also join another courses societies too - our chemistry society put on a pizza crawl night out last year and you could go along even if you didn’t take chemistry!
There’s loads of non-aggressive sports too (I’m saying this for the usual football, rugby that introverts like me generally don’t buy into) These are usually- climbing, kayaking/canoeing, martial arts, softball, fencing. These don’t usually attract the stereotypical “jocks” that I like to avoid! Not into fresher initiations? Ask if there will be one and if there is, don’t join the club. Lots of clubs are moving away from initiations now and many universities are actively encouraging a culture change to stop them - they’re outdated and dangerous).
If you’re going into uni even if you’re not a party animal then join a society. If there isn’t one for what you’re in to, start your own! It’s really easy and your Union should be able to support you with that.
Sounds like you went to uni to party.
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