I've been suffering from depression [Trigger Warning]
For as long as I can remember I've been suffering from depression.
I have a poor self-image, due to being fat and hideous. I was bullied all throughout my life which understandably caused me to become reserved, "docile" was used by one of my friends this weekend to describe me.
I think that because I was reserved, I started putting up a barrier and developed an abrasive or rude personality. I've been called a 'monster', 'the devil' 'horrible' you name it, I've been called it by enemies, strangers, former lovers. ect. Despite this I've managed to make lasting friendships, I've been friends with my four best friends for over 5 years, one of them a decade next year.
My romantic endeavors always suffer as well because of how bad my depression is. The few One Night Stands I've had have been fine, and fun, it's more the relationships that are bad. I pick out these girls and we have fun and it goes well, then it slowly gets worse and spirals out of control. Generally this causes the women I date to become horrible towards me, verbally or emotionally. Then there my recent ex (who had her own problems) spent the three months we were together kicking the **** out of me, so that was fun. My last partner told me that I changed during the relationship and got bitter, angry and it seemed like I just couldn't stand being around her. The thing is, I completely get that I do change, but it's because the girls in question will do something that hurts me in said relationship, and it's like from that moment on I lose total respect for them.
Even if they didn't mean to hurt me, or if it wasn't all that big a deal. It's like depression wont let it go, it poisons every interaction with them from then on and makes the relationship toxic. I understand that the depression makes bad things worse, but honestly, I do the same thing in working or friendship relationships too. As soon as someone, intentionally or not, does something to directly or indirectly hurt me, they unconsciously become an enemy to me. I'm not a violent person, I'll completely brush them off, be civil if need be, but generally not give an enemy the time of day nor do I do literally anything for them. Even if it's detrimental to my own life.
My depression, personality and looks have cost me jobs in the past, and I feel pretty much unemployable.
I'm on medication, which doesn't work so far, but I guess I need to give it time. I've been to counseling as well, but having some nurse say "oh you can't be that bad a person if you've got friends and had relationships" that is really not how it works. My family say the same thing, you've got people who love you, why are you sad? Urg.
I just feel like I'm drowning between having horrible abusive relationships, looking in the mirror and seeing some ugly monster, and the fact I'm unemployable makes me think I've got no future and I can't see the light.
Urg I dunno why I even wrote all this. This is a god damn nightmare.
I have a poor self-image, due to being fat and hideous. I was bullied all throughout my life which understandably caused me to become reserved, "docile" was used by one of my friends this weekend to describe me.
I think that because I was reserved, I started putting up a barrier and developed an abrasive or rude personality. I've been called a 'monster', 'the devil' 'horrible' you name it, I've been called it by enemies, strangers, former lovers. ect. Despite this I've managed to make lasting friendships, I've been friends with my four best friends for over 5 years, one of them a decade next year.
My romantic endeavors always suffer as well because of how bad my depression is. The few One Night Stands I've had have been fine, and fun, it's more the relationships that are bad. I pick out these girls and we have fun and it goes well, then it slowly gets worse and spirals out of control. Generally this causes the women I date to become horrible towards me, verbally or emotionally. Then there my recent ex (who had her own problems) spent the three months we were together kicking the **** out of me, so that was fun. My last partner told me that I changed during the relationship and got bitter, angry and it seemed like I just couldn't stand being around her. The thing is, I completely get that I do change, but it's because the girls in question will do something that hurts me in said relationship, and it's like from that moment on I lose total respect for them.
Even if they didn't mean to hurt me, or if it wasn't all that big a deal. It's like depression wont let it go, it poisons every interaction with them from then on and makes the relationship toxic. I understand that the depression makes bad things worse, but honestly, I do the same thing in working or friendship relationships too. As soon as someone, intentionally or not, does something to directly or indirectly hurt me, they unconsciously become an enemy to me. I'm not a violent person, I'll completely brush them off, be civil if need be, but generally not give an enemy the time of day nor do I do literally anything for them. Even if it's detrimental to my own life.
My depression, personality and looks have cost me jobs in the past, and I feel pretty much unemployable.
I'm on medication, which doesn't work so far, but I guess I need to give it time. I've been to counseling as well, but having some nurse say "oh you can't be that bad a person if you've got friends and had relationships" that is really not how it works. My family say the same thing, you've got people who love you, why are you sad? Urg.
I just feel like I'm drowning between having horrible abusive relationships, looking in the mirror and seeing some ugly monster, and the fact I'm unemployable makes me think I've got no future and I can't see the light.
Urg I dunno why I even wrote all this. This is a god damn nightmare.
(edited 9 years ago)
It sounds like you're really in a bad place. But you're not alone, so don't worry.
Depression is poison, it's disgusting and it ruins lives.
You mention that your medication is not working- how long have you been on it for and have you mentioned this to your doctor? Have you tried CBT or other talking therapies yet???
I can totally relate with the whole "why are you sad when you have this" kinda thing and it is so frustrating when people don't understand that being fortunate in life doesn't make you immune to mental illness.
Have you considered working on yourself before getting into new relationships? I know it sounds terribly cliché but perhaps its not a good time to start a relationship when you're feeling so bad, because when it goes sour it just adds to how you're feeling...
I am glad that you have friends- are they understanding about your depression?
you can PM me if you ever feel like talking
I feel your pain
Depression is poison, it's disgusting and it ruins lives.
You mention that your medication is not working- how long have you been on it for and have you mentioned this to your doctor? Have you tried CBT or other talking therapies yet???
I can totally relate with the whole "why are you sad when you have this" kinda thing and it is so frustrating when people don't understand that being fortunate in life doesn't make you immune to mental illness.
Have you considered working on yourself before getting into new relationships? I know it sounds terribly cliché but perhaps its not a good time to start a relationship when you're feeling so bad, because when it goes sour it just adds to how you're feeling...
I am glad that you have friends- are they understanding about your depression?
you can PM me if you ever feel like talking
I feel your painFirstly, well done for having friendships and one night stands! I am an attractive man of 34 and lets just say my 'magic number' is non zero but very low!
I relate to what you say in that I think you are the sort of person to, if someone hurts you directly or indirectly, hold a grudge against them! (Hell I still hold a grudge against someone in college being nasty to me when trying to chat someone up SIXTEEN years ago!) I have no magic answer to that, if anyone does I would like it myself. Maybe, like for me, it stems from low self-esteem and feeling 'how dare someone kick a man when they are down' - which in turn indeed can stem from depression (although depression and low self esteem are a match made in Hell.)
You have to remember the fact you can form relationships is a massive plus. I feel that if you can break down the depression and (I'm sorry to say this but its tough love here) endeavour to lose some weight (this takes time and again I am overweight, not massively so but its still an issue) you could become a real success story.
As for the 'unemployability' - despite the coalition Government carping on about a recovery (yeah right- perhaps for the bankers at the top lol!) it is a very tough marketplace for work. TBH I'm a firm believer that you have to play people at their game sometimes - interviews are all about bull like how firm your handshake is and the eye contact etc in the first few seconds - and you have to take many rejections sometimes before you get what you want. (I once had 28 interviews before a success while attending interviews by day and working night shifts!) And many places don;t even give you the courtesy of responding if you have not been shortlisted - personally I think it should be LAW for at least a response!
In your position, this is a brill time of year in that you can enjoy Christmas and then get writing a list of targets and strategies for New Year. Don;t beat yourself up if you 'fail' on your resolutions - just pick yourself up ands keep hacking away. I have personally had a good (if not spectacular) 2014 by doing just that.
I relate to what you say in that I think you are the sort of person to, if someone hurts you directly or indirectly, hold a grudge against them! (Hell I still hold a grudge against someone in college being nasty to me when trying to chat someone up SIXTEEN years ago!) I have no magic answer to that, if anyone does I would like it myself. Maybe, like for me, it stems from low self-esteem and feeling 'how dare someone kick a man when they are down' - which in turn indeed can stem from depression (although depression and low self esteem are a match made in Hell.)
You have to remember the fact you can form relationships is a massive plus. I feel that if you can break down the depression and (I'm sorry to say this but its tough love here) endeavour to lose some weight (this takes time and again I am overweight, not massively so but its still an issue) you could become a real success story.
As for the 'unemployability' - despite the coalition Government carping on about a recovery (yeah right- perhaps for the bankers at the top lol!) it is a very tough marketplace for work. TBH I'm a firm believer that you have to play people at their game sometimes - interviews are all about bull like how firm your handshake is and the eye contact etc in the first few seconds - and you have to take many rejections sometimes before you get what you want. (I once had 28 interviews before a success while attending interviews by day and working night shifts!) And many places don;t even give you the courtesy of responding if you have not been shortlisted - personally I think it should be LAW for at least a response!
In your position, this is a brill time of year in that you can enjoy Christmas and then get writing a list of targets and strategies for New Year. Don;t beat yourself up if you 'fail' on your resolutions - just pick yourself up ands keep hacking away. I have personally had a good (if not spectacular) 2014 by doing just that.
