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Please help me. Boyfriend's cheating on me while he's away for 2-3 weeks.

My boyfriend of 6 months flew out to Australia a few days ago and, as I knew he was bull****ting when he told me he wasn't gonna "do anything" (that is, sleep around), I logged into his Facebook and saw that he was planning to have sex with tons and tons of girls there. The friend he went out to see asked him if he was single, and he said "no, but yes". They then went on to discuss all sorts of stuff - some lines from that chat will probably haunt me for a long while. "Mate you will definitely get laid, I'm gonna have a big party so you can meet everyone, the girls here are so hot", "can I get two at the same time?", etc.

Anyway, I completely broke down and sent him about 20 messages asking him why the hell he didn't just tell me he wanted to see other people (as I've tried to break up with him at least 3 times before, or to suggest an open relationship / just casual sex, but each time he told me no, that he wanted to be with me). He came back with "well, I've been planning this holiday for ages, and I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset" - which I find moronic as I've told him lots of times that I'd be happy with something more casual, not a relationship.

The thing is, this has happened before. I've never EVER had the urge to check the Facebook of someone I was seeing before, but I knew something was up, and this is why I've looked at it twice before. The first time he was trying to get a male escort for a night*, the second he was going to meet up with some girl in a field. Both times I've confronted him about it and he just kind of shrugged it off, apologised, said he gets into 'moods' sometimes but never actually does it. I tried to break up with him on both of those occasions and once more afterward (because I was generally fed up with him), but each time he just tells me no, that he loves me, and eventually I cave in because - shallow as this is - I find him gorgeous and the sexual chemistry is 10/10.

Before all this, I'd never say that I had 'trust issues', but by God, now I do. He's in Australia until January 1st/2nd and I didn't think I cared that deeply about him but, God, this has turned me into a blubbering mess. He's not replying to anything I send him, and when he does, it's ruefully unsatisfactory - "idgi why on earth did you tell me you 'love' me and then go off and do this? I'm so confused", reply: "cuz I do". "So why didn't you just tell me you'd be happy to just see each other casually every now again, like I've asked you millions of times?", reply: "I knew you'd be upset, and I've been planning this for ages, I haven't slept with anyone in England, it's just this once".

I've checked his Facebook again and he's already messaged his best friend with "the girls are HOT here, no fatties, I got laid already". At the same time he messaged me one line: "of course, I told you you weren't going to" (in reference to one of my earlier super over-emotional messages where I said something like "god you just make me want to jump off a bridge").

I just think this is ridiculous because only a week before he left he was saying how he wants me to move in with him, how he loves me, how he wants to double-barrel our name together (!), and so on. He's taken me to meet his parents and his grandparents and I've stayed with him for a week and it's all just so ridiculous.

I feel like trash and I don't understand anything. I've tested myself for all STIs except HIV and I'm clean, thank God, but on the practical side I think that's all I can do right now. I've talked to my friends and they told me that he sounds like scum, I've talked to my dad and he said he sounds like "a common 20-year old idiot". What should I do from this point forward? I'll need to go over to his house to pick up some shirts I left there, but I don't know if he'll even let me in. I'm scared of him being angry at me over my hysterical outburst after I found out he'd been lying to me. I don't really have any high hopes of talking to him properly while he's there. I can't sleep right, I can't eat right, all I've got in my head is images of him ****ing endless people on New Year's Eve. I feel sick.

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Thank god I didn't have to read all that

He cheated so dump him
Reply 2
Go over and get your stuff from whoever is in (maybe tear a few of his on the way out hehe)
then block him from everything; and move on with your life.

[process shortened to remove the emotional wreck stages intermittently present. Rebound yourself if so inclined]
TL;DR. There's nothing to be said here. I can't really think of any circumstances where somebody would cheat and you'd allow it. Even 10 years of passionate love, one cheat and they are out the door. I'd see it as an insult to my manhood. And you should see it as an insult to your womanhood.
Original post by Anonymous
x

Dump him. Upload every single unflattering photo you have of him when you are logged into his profile and make him look like a dick.

Spoiler

(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
My boyfriend of 6 months flew out to Australia a few days ago and, as I knew he was bull****ting when he told me he wasn't gonna "do anything" (that is, sleep around), I logged into his Facebook and saw that he was planning to have sex with tons and tons of girls there. The friend he went out to see asked him if he was single, and he said "no, but yes". They then went on to discuss all sorts of stuff - some lines from that chat will probably haunt me for a long while. "Mate you will definitely get laid, I'm gonna have a big party so you can meet everyone, the girls here are so hot", "can I get two at the same time?", etc.

Anyway, I completely broke down and sent him about 20 messages asking him why the hell he didn't just tell me he wanted to see other people (as I've tried to break up with him at least 3 times before, or to suggest an open relationship / just casual sex, but each time he told me no, that he wanted to be with me). He came back with "well, I've been planning this holiday for ages, and I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset" - which I find moronic as I've told him lots of times that I'd be happy with something more casual, not a relationship.

The thing is, this has happened before. I've never EVER had the urge to check the Facebook of someone I was seeing before, but I knew something was up, and this is why I've looked at it twice before. The first time he was trying to get a male escort for a night*, the second he was going to meet up with some girl in a field. Both times I've confronted him about it and he just kind of shrugged it off, apologised, said he gets into 'moods' sometimes but never actually does it. I tried to break up with him on both of those occasions and once more afterward (because I was generally fed up with him), but each time he just tells me no, that he loves me, and eventually I cave in because - shallow as this is - I find him gorgeous and the sexual chemistry is 10/10.

Before all this, I'd never say that I had 'trust issues', but by God, now I do. He's in Australia until January 1st/2nd and I didn't think I cared that deeply about him but, God, this has turned me into a blubbering mess. He's not replying to anything I send him, and when he does, it's ruefully unsatisfactory - "idgi why on earth did you tell me you 'love' me and then go off and do this? I'm so confused", reply: "cuz I do". "So why didn't you just tell me you'd be happy to just see each other casually every now again, like I've asked you millions of times?", reply: "I knew you'd be upset, and I've been planning this for ages, I haven't slept with anyone in England, it's just this once".

I've checked his Facebook again and he's already messaged his best friend with "the girls are HOT here, no fatties, I got laid already". At the same time he messaged me one line: "of course, I told you you weren't going to" (in reference to one of my earlier super over-emotional messages where I said something like "god you just make me want to jump off a bridge").

I just think this is ridiculous because only a week before he left he was saying how he wants me to move in with him, how he loves me, how he wants to double-barrel our name together (!), and so on. He's taken me to meet his parents and his grandparents and I've stayed with him for a week and it's all just so ridiculous.

I feel like trash and I don't understand anything. I've tested myself for all STIs except HIV and I'm clean, thank God, but on the practical side I think that's all I can do right now. I've talked to my friends and they told me that he sounds like scum, I've talked to my dad and he said he sounds like "a common 20-year old idiot". What should I do from this point forward? I'll need to go over to his house to pick up some shirts I left there, but I don't know if he'll even let me in. I'm scared of him being angry at me over my hysterical outburst after I found out he'd been lying to me. I don't really have any high hopes of talking to him properly while he's there. I can't sleep right, I can't eat right, all I've got in my head is images of him ****ing endless people on New Year's Eve. I feel sick.


It sounds to me like you're both just messing about. If you actually wanted something serious, you wouldn't have suggested yourself for an open relationship. Similarly, he hasn't taken anything either of you've said seriously. The answer? Break up. You can't trust him and, from what you said you originally wanted, an open relationship would be more suitable for you anyway
(edited 9 years ago)
Firstly never have an open relationship...especially on the basis that you know he will cheat anyway and that is the only reason why.

Secondly next time (actually I hope there is no next time) if someone cheats..don't even bother with the messages. Just tell him you are done because he cheated. Goodbye.

You've discovered him trying to use a male escort AND meet someone in a field. That was your time to run.

None of this is your fault..except the part where you lost all dignity and self respect and decided to stay with this moron.

If you are breaking up with someone DO NOT let them change your mind. You've caved in and now you are in this situation.

Once you notice a pattern you either need to fix it or move on.

Not everyone that age is an idiot - I'm in my early twenties and you'd never catch me or anyone I know acting like that. He sounds like an absolute fool.

You are only hurting yourself. Stop messaging him and move on, he does not care about you and never did.

You are better than all of this OP!
[QUOTE="DeadGirlsDance;52318647"]Dump him. Upload every single unflattering photo you have of him when you are logged into his profile and make him look like a dick.

Spoiler



err... what
Reply 8
Adult relationships tend to require at least, one adult.
Original post by YesAllMen
err... what

Insult them etc and make them feel like ****. But she was happy for an open relationship though...so she might as well just drop it.
Original post by DeadGirlsDance
Dump him. Upload every single unflattering photo you have of him when you are logged into his profile and make him look like a dick.

Spoiler



Because that would be moving on :wink:
Original post by Scrappy-coco
Because that would be moving on :wink:

:wink: It would help me move on in the long term knowing that they didn't get away with mugging me off.
Original post by DeadGirlsDance
:wink: It would help me move on in the long term knowing that they didn't get away with mugging me off.


Whatever stops the tears right 😁 but each to their own I guess
Original post by Anonymous
.

The thing is, this has happened before. I've never EVER had the urge to check the Facebook of someone I was seeing before, but I knew something was up, and this is why I've looked at it twice before. The first time he was trying to get a male escort for a night*



I searched everywhere for the footnote that corresponds to this but can't find it. :iiam:



Oh btw OP, have some self-respect and leave the guy. There's literally no reason for you to stay with him, apart from your own weaknesses.
Yeah there really isn't much more to say than dump him which isn't something you often hear me say.
Don't however actually act like a psycho in the process regardless of how vindictive you feel, or he'll feel justified in that you were a psycho and he dodged a bullet.

Keep your head held high, go grab your stuff and proceed to never talk to this guy again. A rebound may help, but often it's a short term fix, I however enjoyed it and it did help me get over an ex.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by e aí rapaz
I searched everywhere for the footnote that corresponds to this but can't find it. :iiam:


Sorry - I meant to add that it's not the bisexuality that bothers me, it's the lying-about-being-faithful thing. But then I realised that tbh that would be self-explanatory.

I'm being horribly weak, I know. I don't understand why I find him attractive, but I do.
I've just talked to him, and now I'm just kind of horrified at his stupidity. I simply said: "OK, now that you've slept with someone, what do you want to do?" He denied it, and I told him that I knew for sure that he has. He changed his tack and said yeah, he did. He didn't even say sorry. I then reminded him that he once told me that if I ever slept with someone, he'd never talk to me again, so why should the same principle not apply to him? He said it was because he loved me and because it's only while he's in Australia, and because after this he'll only want me.

We kind of dumbly went around in circles for 10 minutes and he said he had to go. I told him that I was bored of talking about this and that I'd just come to his house when he got back to pick up my stuff & to say bye. (Waiting for a reply still, because I sent this after he logged off, but it's OK. I feel a bit better.)

I just don't understand why he insisted on being in a "relationship" in the first place when it's clearly not what he wanted. I only offered because (stupid as this sounds) I didn't want to get too involved and, consequently, get hurt. Well, I got pretty damn hurt, and it sucks.

It would be stupid to just be friends with benefits after this, right?
A similar thing happened to me. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years goes to America and sleeps with this friend he's had online for about 5 years (he stayed with her for about a week). He planned to sleep with her at LEAST 3 months in advance but didn't tell me until he'd done it.

Just be glad you can get rid of such an arse. There's no point maintaining any form of relationship because it's very, very clear that you can't trust him and and you'll never be able to. And don't make him think what he did was okay. Because it's not. He is in the wrong and you were right to react in the way that you did. He can't be angry at you for anything.

I know it's hard. I reacted the same way. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't get the images out of my head (it didn't help that he told me what happened in detail). But eventually I realised I was free to get the chance to know what it feels like to ACTUALLY be loved by someone.
Just cry it out, eat what you can, listen to **** music and don't talk to that t*at. Go somewhere with friends.
It will be fine soon.
Break up with him and move on.


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Reply 19
Original post by Anonymous


It would be stupid to just be friends with benefits after this, right?


If you want to keep feeling like a piece of something stuck at the bottom of his shoe then sure go ahead.

I mean seriously? Do you not read anything back anything you have posted in here? If you were happy with FWB you would have just accepted he was gonna go sleep with other people, do the same, and carry on with life.

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