Why did he have to tell me
I have had a "soul mate" friendship with a guy since early secondary school. We did everything together as we grew up. He has always been effiminate and I suppose because of this and because I just assumed he might be gay was why we have had this relationship on this level. I felt I could tell him anything over the years from boyfriend problems, periods, parents anything as I knew he was confidential.
I have been at UWE in Bristol for comming up to two years and would always spend time with him at his home when I returned to Torquay. About a year ago he had a major bust up with his parents and moved into his own flat and seemed dreadfully lonely and depressed and quiet clingy texting me all the time. We went out two nights ago and got incredibly drunk and I stayed at his (the relationship has never been physical) I was looking for some loo paper when I came across some sexy items of lingerie and charged out in a joking manner a said woohoo who is she! He became really angry and snatched them off me. I then said I think I'd better go and he got uncontrollably upset. I said what Evers the matter? In short he told me the items where his and that he had been a crossdresser for as long as he could remember, he said he felt comfortable dressed as a woman but knew his parents would never accept it. The cross dressing thing has changed our dynamic I just don't know where we go from her, I'd hate to lose my friend but I am struggling right now. What do I do?How do I help my friend?
I have been at UWE in Bristol for comming up to two years and would always spend time with him at his home when I returned to Torquay. About a year ago he had a major bust up with his parents and moved into his own flat and seemed dreadfully lonely and depressed and quiet clingy texting me all the time. We went out two nights ago and got incredibly drunk and I stayed at his (the relationship has never been physical) I was looking for some loo paper when I came across some sexy items of lingerie and charged out in a joking manner a said woohoo who is she! He became really angry and snatched them off me. I then said I think I'd better go and he got uncontrollably upset. I said what Evers the matter? In short he told me the items where his and that he had been a crossdresser for as long as he could remember, he said he felt comfortable dressed as a woman but knew his parents would never accept it. The cross dressing thing has changed our dynamic I just don't know where we go from her, I'd hate to lose my friend but I am struggling right now. What do I do?How do I help my friend?
Scroll to see replies
Original post by Annesally
I am struggling right now. What do I do?How do I help my friend?
You've not actually said why you are finding this a difficult matter? I'm guessing because you don't approve?
Yes I was getting a little emotional just not sure how to deal with it all. He opened up a bit more than I mentioned, which I am unsure as to mention here. He was incredibly supportive of me about 5 yrs ago when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, he was there for me during a very very difficult period in my life. I want to be there for him, I just don't know how.
LOL
I'd have just been like 'yeah, my girlfriend is so kinky', and died a little inside.
I'd have just been like 'yeah, my girlfriend is so kinky', and died a little inside.
Why do you care? If I had a friend who was my 'soul mate' I would not care in the slightest that he was a cross dresser.
He told you because he thought he could trust you as his ultimate best friend. It seems he was wrong.
How about you suck it up (why does him crossdressing even matter to you? Girls can wear guy's clothes without judgement, why can't he wear women's clothes?) and support him. Tell him it's okay, and you don't mind, he's still your best friend. Tell him that if his parents don't approve you'll still be there to support him.
Heck, I know the two things aren't even related or caused by each other, but you sounded like you'd support him if he came out as gay. I don't see how you can be accepting in that manner, yet seem to be so intolerant of him just wearing women's clothes?! It really is no big deal, and if this actually makes you think less of him or disgusts you, maybe you should rethink this friendship because it sounds like what he needs right now is a supportive friend, not someone to judge him and be grossed out.
Just try to put it all behind you and be there for him, he really needs someone right now. Just hug him and let him rant, ask him if there's anything you can do to help.
How about you suck it up (why does him crossdressing even matter to you? Girls can wear guy's clothes without judgement, why can't he wear women's clothes?) and support him. Tell him it's okay, and you don't mind, he's still your best friend. Tell him that if his parents don't approve you'll still be there to support him.
Heck, I know the two things aren't even related or caused by each other, but you sounded like you'd support him if he came out as gay. I don't see how you can be accepting in that manner, yet seem to be so intolerant of him just wearing women's clothes?! It really is no big deal, and if this actually makes you think less of him or disgusts you, maybe you should rethink this friendship because it sounds like what he needs right now is a supportive friend, not someone to judge him and be grossed out.
Just try to put it all behind you and be there for him, he really needs someone right now. Just hug him and let him rant, ask him if there's anything you can do to help.
I am his soul mate and always will be. It was just a shock but the more I think about it the less surprised I am he's always been sensitive and effiminate he loved going shopping with me and doing conventionally girlie things.
He he said he had no one to share it with and was incredibly lonely, I am just not sure what he expects from me.
He he said he had no one to share it with and was incredibly lonely, I am just not sure what he expects from me.
Have you apologised? Him kicking you out might have been a knee jerk reaction to your inappropriate joke (I know you didn't do it with any ill intent but it was still inappropriate) and if you apologise to him properly you might be able to have a chat and let him know that you're still his best friend and wouldn't want anything to change. He probably still wants to be your mate, and is just really embarrassed because you finding these clothes and making a joke out of it is obviously the worst way possible for you to find out about something that to him is part of his identity.
Original post by Annesally
I have had a "soul mate" friendship with a guy since early secondary school. We did everything together as we grew up. He has always been effiminate and I suppose because of this and because I just assumed he might be gay was why we have had this relationship on this level. I felt I could tell him anything over the years from boyfriend problems, periods, parents anything as I knew he was confidential.
I have been at UWE in Bristol for comming up to two years and would always spend time with him at his home when I returned to Torquay. About a year ago he had a major bust up with his parents and moved into his own flat and seemed dreadfully lonely and depressed and quiet clingy texting me all the time. We went out two nights ago and got incredibly drunk and I stayed at his (the relationship has never been physical) I was looking for some loo paper when I came across some sexy items of lingerie and charged out in a joking manner a said woohoo who is she! He became really angry and snatched them off me. I then said I think I'd better go and he got uncontrollably upset. I said what Evers the matter? In short he told me the items where his and that he had been a crossdresser for as long as he could remember, he said he felt comfortable dressed as a woman but knew his parents would never accept it. The cross dressing thing has changed our dynamic I just don't know where we go from her, I'd hate to lose my friend but I am struggling right now. What do I do?How do I help my friend?
I have been at UWE in Bristol for comming up to two years and would always spend time with him at his home when I returned to Torquay. About a year ago he had a major bust up with his parents and moved into his own flat and seemed dreadfully lonely and depressed and quiet clingy texting me all the time. We went out two nights ago and got incredibly drunk and I stayed at his (the relationship has never been physical) I was looking for some loo paper when I came across some sexy items of lingerie and charged out in a joking manner a said woohoo who is she! He became really angry and snatched them off me. I then said I think I'd better go and he got uncontrollably upset. I said what Evers the matter? In short he told me the items where his and that he had been a crossdresser for as long as he could remember, he said he felt comfortable dressed as a woman but knew his parents would never accept it. The cross dressing thing has changed our dynamic I just don't know where we go from her, I'd hate to lose my friend but I am struggling right now. What do I do?How do I help my friend?
You have a soulmate who you just assumed was gay?
You have a soulmate who couldn't tell you for years that he is cross dressing?
Finally, what's wrong with cross dressing?
Sorry, but I don't think you had the relationship you think you did.
Is that IT? What an anti-climax.
To be honest if you are not okay with it then just leave him alone, you'll make him feel even worse.
You can't assume someone is gay because they are 'effeminate' that just makes no sense.
Changed the dynamic? So...you can no longer talk to him about personal things? You said you have a 'soulmate' type relationship before...I don't think you did, because otherwise this would not really be an issue.
If by 'how do I help' you mean 'how do I get him to stop' then literally never speak to him again, you don't want to make him cry anymore than he already has done! He's obviously comfortable and quite frankly whatever he does in his spare time has no effect on you.
If he said he liked knitting socks between the hours of 5 and 6pm each night would it change your view of him? I don't think it would.
I'm not saying that - 'he supported you so you must support him' - because if you don't like it and you will constantly be judging him, it's best you move on. Just think about the good friendship you will be missing out on if you do decide not to talk to him again, that's all I'm saying. Friends need support, that's all.
To be honest if you are not okay with it then just leave him alone, you'll make him feel even worse.
You can't assume someone is gay because they are 'effeminate' that just makes no sense.
Changed the dynamic? So...you can no longer talk to him about personal things? You said you have a 'soulmate' type relationship before...I don't think you did, because otherwise this would not really be an issue.
If by 'how do I help' you mean 'how do I get him to stop' then literally never speak to him again, you don't want to make him cry anymore than he already has done! He's obviously comfortable and quite frankly whatever he does in his spare time has no effect on you.
If he said he liked knitting socks between the hours of 5 and 6pm each night would it change your view of him? I don't think it would.
I'm not saying that - 'he supported you so you must support him' - because if you don't like it and you will constantly be judging him, it's best you move on. Just think about the good friendship you will be missing out on if you do decide not to talk to him again, that's all I'm saying. Friends need support, that's all.
I personally don't see why it matters.
He might just enjoy wearing women's clothes but it sounds deeper than that to me - it sounds like maybe he's struggling with his gender identity which may explain why you thought he was gay/effeminate because it can be misconstrued as that.
I personally struggled with my gender identity for years - I'm in a much happier place now and I feel comfortable with who I am but if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family it would have been an even more scary and upsetting time for me than it already was.
If I were you I would do some online reading about cross dressing/gender identity and sexuality and just try to understand your friend and try to imagine what it's like to go through something like that in such a judgmental world. It's not easy and he needs all the support he can get. If after you've educated yourself you still feel uncomfortable - then leave him be because the last thing he needs is judgement.
I'm sure he'll eventually come to terms with who he is and learn to be comfortable with whatever that may be (whether it's a gender/sexuality issue or just plain old cross dressing) - it just takes time and some non judgemental support. There are charity organisations that offer counselling for young people experiencing this kind of thing - maybe if you still want to be his friend you could find one locally, tell him about it and if he decides to go - offer to have a coffee with him after his first appointment? Just a something to consider maybe.
Just remember that what he is experiencing can feel extremely isolating because people don't understand/don't want to understand.
He might just enjoy wearing women's clothes but it sounds deeper than that to me - it sounds like maybe he's struggling with his gender identity which may explain why you thought he was gay/effeminate because it can be misconstrued as that.
I personally struggled with my gender identity for years - I'm in a much happier place now and I feel comfortable with who I am but if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family it would have been an even more scary and upsetting time for me than it already was.
If I were you I would do some online reading about cross dressing/gender identity and sexuality and just try to understand your friend and try to imagine what it's like to go through something like that in such a judgmental world. It's not easy and he needs all the support he can get. If after you've educated yourself you still feel uncomfortable - then leave him be because the last thing he needs is judgement.
I'm sure he'll eventually come to terms with who he is and learn to be comfortable with whatever that may be (whether it's a gender/sexuality issue or just plain old cross dressing) - it just takes time and some non judgemental support. There are charity organisations that offer counselling for young people experiencing this kind of thing - maybe if you still want to be his friend you could find one locally, tell him about it and if he decides to go - offer to have a coffee with him after his first appointment? Just a something to consider maybe.
Just remember that what he is experiencing can feel extremely isolating because people don't understand/don't want to understand.
It's simple really.
You either stick by him or you leave him. Personally I don't support cross dressing but if my long term mate confessed, I probably will stick by him
You either stick by him or you leave him. Personally I don't support cross dressing but if my long term mate confessed, I probably will stick by him
Original post by Annesally
I am his soul mate and always will be. It was just a shock but the more I think about it the less surprised I am he's always been sensitive and effiminate he loved going shopping with me and doing conventionally girlie things.
He he said he had no one to share it with and was incredibly lonely, I am just not sure what he expects from me.
He he said he had no one to share it with and was incredibly lonely, I am just not sure what he expects from me.
He probably wants acceptance, it doesn't look like he ever got it from anywhere regarding this part of his. Can you imagine how hard it is struggling with your identity? Being something that all this time society has not viewed as normal and having to accept it as 'you'. He needs someone to be there for him and tell him it's ok.
(edited 9 years ago)
It's good that you want to be there for him after he was there for you. Sadly, this is a quality that is a dying breed in today's society. What he's needs from you is support and acceptance. The first step is for you to talk about this with him. After communication, you'll unlock a new 'dynamic' to your relationship where you can talk about this more openly with him and give him advice.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by Annesally
Yes I was getting a little emotional just not sure how to deal with it all. He opened up a bit more than I mentioned, which I am unsure as to mention here. He was incredibly supportive of me about 5 yrs ago when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, he was there for me during a very very difficult period in my life. I want to be there for him, I just don't know how.
You don't have to "be there" for anything - he just likes wearing lady's clothes sometimes. All you have to do is continue being his mate and accept him for who he is.
Thanks for the repies and I kind of regret the title of this thread now as I am glad he told me and the poor chap must have had a life long battle in his head with this, but I have to wonder now if it's a gender identity thing or a fetish angle. I'll try and explain why but please don't judge me, it's advice I need and I am actually doing my best here.
He texted me constantly yesterday worried about our friendship and thinking he'd upset me despite constant reassurances that he hadn't I knew he was still in a state. His flat is closer to Torquay town centre and as I was going out with girl friends last night I scooped up my going out gear from my mums and went around to see him at about 6 o'clock. He hugged me on my arrival was sobbing shaking saying he'd die if he lost our friendship, I could hardly get a word in. I sat him down and reassured him and said nothing had changed between us and I would always be there for him. After about an hour and several cups of tea he seemed reassured but I was unsure what I could do next for him so I said look I have to go out in a couple of hours and need to get ready why don't you dress in a way that would make you feel comfortable and I'll take a shower and all being well I'll sleep here tonight.
As I came out of the shower he was obviously still in his bedroom, worried he'd be nervous I said come on, let's have a drink. He walked out in a flouncy maids outfit. Have to be honest I was struggling as to what say next and a couple of things looked terribly wrong but I did try my best to be normal. We had a drink and a chat and it transpired that an older woman a few streets away very occasionally let him be himself and do her housework and stuff but he hadn't seen her for about 8 months. I had so many questions and still do but had to meet friends. I left gave him a kiss and he said you sleep in my room tonight and I'll sleep in the box room, in a hurry I agreed and went. I came in at about 2am he was asleep but the bedroom had been prepared, it was beautiful, all clean pink bed linen rose petals on the bed, all the clothes I had taken off all washed ironed and folded on the chest of drawers, flowers by the bed and I was pissed as newt!
I am concerned now that he's centering this on me and am worried what I can offer him.
He texted me constantly yesterday worried about our friendship and thinking he'd upset me despite constant reassurances that he hadn't I knew he was still in a state. His flat is closer to Torquay town centre and as I was going out with girl friends last night I scooped up my going out gear from my mums and went around to see him at about 6 o'clock. He hugged me on my arrival was sobbing shaking saying he'd die if he lost our friendship, I could hardly get a word in. I sat him down and reassured him and said nothing had changed between us and I would always be there for him. After about an hour and several cups of tea he seemed reassured but I was unsure what I could do next for him so I said look I have to go out in a couple of hours and need to get ready why don't you dress in a way that would make you feel comfortable and I'll take a shower and all being well I'll sleep here tonight.
As I came out of the shower he was obviously still in his bedroom, worried he'd be nervous I said come on, let's have a drink. He walked out in a flouncy maids outfit. Have to be honest I was struggling as to what say next and a couple of things looked terribly wrong but I did try my best to be normal. We had a drink and a chat and it transpired that an older woman a few streets away very occasionally let him be himself and do her housework and stuff but he hadn't seen her for about 8 months. I had so many questions and still do but had to meet friends. I left gave him a kiss and he said you sleep in my room tonight and I'll sleep in the box room, in a hurry I agreed and went. I came in at about 2am he was asleep but the bedroom had been prepared, it was beautiful, all clean pink bed linen rose petals on the bed, all the clothes I had taken off all washed ironed and folded on the chest of drawers, flowers by the bed and I was pissed as newt!
I am concerned now that he's centering this on me and am worried what I can offer him.
I'm confused about how this changes anything. He is still the same person that you knew before, literally nothing has changed except he doesn't have to keep this a secret with you. I say be there for your friend like he was for you when you needed it.
I am OK with his cross dressing, I am Ok with our friendship in fact I need it as much as he does. What's schanged is he has opened up about his submissive desires in words and actions. Whilst I am quiet happy to be "girlie friends" with him as and when he feels the need he has demonstarted consistently over the last few days these girlie times he likes to be a maid, my maid. It sort of changes the dynamic of our friendship and I'm just not the dominant type.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Relationship lies
- Will he comeback or he has just moved on?
- My crush spoke crap behind my back….
- Why would a guy be offended that I stalked his social media?
- My boyfriend broke up with me
- Guy friend looked at my thighs?
- Would you like a girl who is a friend of your best friend?
- A bit of a long read! - bf and his past impacting me
- relationship help
- Would you consider this cheating? I don't know what to do.
- my boyfriend is never happy in any occasion
- Why did he just stop caring
- My best friend just told me he’d pick his boss over me
- Is he in the right at the wedding?
- I dont think my boyfriend cares about me.
- Should I be worried about female friends he’s slept with?
- He likes me but his gf?
- Hasn’t texted me
- Is this unfair for me or should I be understanding?
- Does my crush like me or is he just self absorbed or does he like someone else
Latest
Last reply 4 minutes ago
Google level 4 software development apprenticeshipLast reply 4 minutes ago
Even Europe’s far-right firebrands seem to sense Brexit is a disaster- The GuardianLast reply 5 minutes ago
where can i find a free plagerism checkerLast reply 8 minutes ago
Official Veterinary Medicine Applicants thread 2024 entryLast reply 9 minutes ago
Can I switch to a placement year on the same course?Last reply 12 minutes ago
Unit 19 health and social care, HELP PLEASE!!Last reply 16 minutes ago
MSc Petroleum Engineering - Aberdeen or Heriot-Watt?Last reply 17 minutes ago
Official London School of Economics and Political Science 2024 Applicant ThreadLast reply 22 minutes ago
Access to HE accepted for Degree Apprenticeships?Last reply 22 minutes ago
Official: University of Bristol A100 2024 Entry ApplicantsTrending
Last reply 3 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 3 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 3 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 3 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
