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parents want me to stay home for uni...

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Reply 20
Original post by Smash Bandicoot
OK

i) I'm sorry to have put this back on your mind…:hugs:

ii) Your mum doesn't want to hold you back, nor is she a bad person for having these sexist views. You have been raised in a culture which, despite its many merits, is oppressive to women and somewhat backwards in its approach (lack of completed first wave feminism). It's absolutely your choice in the years ahead to what extent you want to embrace this culture.

My personal opinion, having seen how it affected my friend/ex, is that if it makes you unhappy, then don't do it just because it's tradition and your family is pressurising you to. But if you genuinely believe in it, then there are ways to embrace the parts which do not treat you as a second-class person.

iii) You are not your mum. You MAY be homesick, or you may be loving Uni life! And you may be homesick just for a little while, then get past it. The only way you'll know is if you try. You need to decide on ii) first, fortunately you have a good few years to make this very important decision :smile:


i really cannot wait to go to uni watching my bro do his own shopping and cooking for himself i cant waiiitt for that because i love cooking(being a chef is a possible career path) i feel like school is like a long waiting list until i get to uni which is my freedom but they want to take that away from me

i just need to make them understand im not like my mum or brother and just because theyve made mistakes it doesnt mean i will

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Original post by ha27
just read your edit and dad said 'financial problems' when he can CLEARLY by my brother another laptop and tablet a tablet for himself AND my mum when iv had one laptop thats lasted me 5 years my brothers lasted him about 3 but apparently I AM not looking after it wth makes no damn sense... just making excuses to live up to his pathetic beliefs

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OK, I don't mean to patronise you here, but the reason that your brother is given preferential treatment may NOT be sexism. It may be due to your being younger (?) since your mum also got one.

If it is, and he is making up excuses, you do not have to put up with a lying father. But, here's the catch; if you do turn your back on your dad's wishes, you risk losing his support (emotional and financial). If he really respects the culture and feels enraged you may not be able to move back home. Should the situation get more serious there are websites and helplines out there to support you, but I won't link them here because I don't you to worry and I don't know exactly how severe your bind to your father's wishes is.

So please think very carefully about whether you are ready to be an adult, it's a difficult and brave decision. Try not to think too much of it and enjoy these last few years of adolescence while you can :hugs:

And please try not to think too terribly of your father for this. Like I said, he was raised to believe what he's doing is honourable and protecting you, even though it's really not in the long-run will only hold your confidence back.
Reply 22
Original post by noshahmad
Lol they can't exactly stop you from applying to universities outside of London. My parents are a bit like that but some courses I want to do are outside London so I have to apply to other universities. You get loans and grants these days so that you have enough money to move out if you want that choice

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exactly!!! my dad noticed i was grumpy he said whatsup i said i know you dont want me to go uni outisde when my brother did its not fair he said whats done is done youre staying here i asked why he said because we havent got the money when less than a month ago he was splashing out on laptops and tablets???????

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Original post by ha27
i really cannot wait to go to uni watching my bro do his own shopping and cooking for himself i cant waiiitt for that because i love cooking(being a chef is a possible career path) i feel like school is like a long waiting list until i get to uni which is my freedom but they want to take that away from me

i just need to make them understand im not like my mum or brother and just because theyve made mistakes it doesnt mean i will

Posted from TSR Mobile


You seem to relish the idea of being your own person and paving your own way in life, this is exactly the attitude you need to have, because you may have no choice but to hold onto it once you make that decision. I'm being a realist, but I have hope that as long as you don't take my advice with a pinch of salt, you'll be able to live your life to the full.

Good luck OP :smile:
Original post by ha27
i actually said to my mum fine ill apply to someunis in london she said NO all in london i was like WHAT but whay if they dont do what i want? she basically said tough its better you stay home

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Like I said, don't tell her you're applying to Unis outside London.

You will be paying off your student loans (I'm assuming you will be taking out a loan) so you get to choose where you spend that money.

My friends parents were the same. She had an older sister who did what the parents said (stayed home, didn't even go to uni even though she wanted to.) my friend however did not listen to her parents. She has no regrets because her parents eventually got over it as she visited/skyped with them atleast once a week.

You get your freedom and independance at uni. Don't let your parents take that away from you.
Reply 25
Original post by Smash Bandicoot
OK, I don't mean to patronise you here, but the reason that your brother is given preferential treatment may NOT be sexism. It may be due to your being younger (?) since your mum also got one.

If it is, and he is making up excuses, you do not have to put up with a lying father. But, here's the catch; if you do turn your back on your dad's wishes, you risk losing his support (emotional and financial). If he really respects the culture and feels enraged you may not be able to move back home. Should the situation get more serious there are websites and helplines out there to support you, but I won't link them here because I don't you to worry and I don't know exactly how severe your bind to your father's wishes is.

So please think very carefully about whether you are ready to be an adult, it's a difficult and brave decision. Try not to think too much of it and enjoy these last few years of adolescence while you can :hugs:

And please try not to think too terribly of your father for this. Like I said, he was raised to believe what he's doing is honourable and protecting you, even though it's really not in the long-run will only hold your confidence back.


its definitely to do with religion they went on a religious trip and my father believes everything scholars are saying now no matter what i think i know hes just trying to help me so i dont take risks but thats not what life is about! its about having an adventure not staying home until im married andbi feel like a prisoner all the time...

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Reply 26
Original post by Da Di Doo
Like I said, don't tell her you're applying to Unis outside London.

You will be paying off your student loans (I'm assuming you will be taking out a loan) so you get to choose where you spend that money.

My friends parents were the same. She had an older sister who did what the parents said (stayed home, didn't even go to uni even though she wanted to.) my friend however did not listen to her parents. She has no regrets because her parents eventually got over it as she visited/skyped with them atleast once a week.

You get your freedom and independance at uni. Don't let your parents take that away from you.


i want to do this in the future but im just scared theyll hate me and i wont have their support whenever i get stuckk...

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Reply 27
Original post by Smash Bandicoot
You seem to relish the idea of being your own person and paving your own way in life, this is exactly the attitude you need to have, because you may have no choice but to hold onto it once you make that decision. I'm being a realist, but I have hope that as long as you don't take my advice with a pinch of salt, you'll be able to live your life to the full.

Good luck OP :smile:


thank you i feel like i am brave enough to do it myself and hopefully win them round but theres just that annoying little thought that what if they disown me because i want to disobey them?

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Original post by ha27
i want to do this in the future but im just scared theyll hate me and i wont have their support whenever i get stuckk...

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If they believe the traditional Asian view that women are meant to stay at home and be housewives in arranged marriages then chances are that they are also the type that care a lot about reputation.

It would look very bad if they don't have contact with their daughter anymore.

And besides, you're not going to be like your brother, I assume. You'll make sure you visit and call regularly (if it doesn't get in the way of your education.)
Hey good luck with this. My advice is to drop the conversations about it now. You've said your piece they've said theirs. You need to arm yourself with knowledge research what courses/where you want to go and why. When your older sit down and say I've applied here here and here because of this that and the other. If you go for a London uni (which I wouldn't rule out just because of their insistence) then choose one where you can do a year abroad and you get the freedom


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Reply 30
Original post by Da Di Doo
If they believe the traditional Asian view that women are meant to stay at home and be housewives in arranged marriages then chances are that they are also the type that care a lot about reputation.

It would look very bad if they don't have contact with their daughter anymore.

And besides, you're not going to be like your brother, I assume. You'll make sure you visit and call regularly (if it doesn't get in the way of your education.)


of course! sometimes i just look at my brother in disgust and think how can he just ignore his family and i tell my parents i am nothing like him but i guess theyve decided that for themselves and dont believe me... BUT IL FIGHT BACK!

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Last words for you tonight my friend.

Original post by ha27
its definitely to do with religion they went on a religious trip and my father believes everything scholars are saying now no matter what i think i know hes just trying to help me so i dont take risks but thats not what life is about! its about having an adventure not staying home until im married andbi feel like a prisoner all the time...



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Can I ask Hinduism, Islam, Sikhism? Just because some of these, have quite strict cultures surrounding them as you know…if you do not believe in the faith then , but please understand yet again that it is not

Original post by ha27
i do not have the intention of letting this go. why should i make my life and future career suffer just because of a stupid rule that women should stay home and remain jobless i have dreams and i will achieve them whether i have my parents support or not i dont want to have any regrets by not doing something i want to

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Super. I recommend watching Wadjda, it'll give you a fiery spirit :biggrin:

Original post by ha27
i said that to my mum and she said dont be one of those who makes it all about you but shes the one doing that not me by making decisions for me!!! i cant win with her can i?!

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Her reasoning is because you've been brought up in a culture which values the community over the individual. It's clashing with the western culture which values the individual more now, almost to the point of narcissism (being selfish)-think selfie culture.

I think that you should follow your dreams but bear in mind why your mum says what she does. This isn't about holding women back, this is about thinking of family; she's worried by the reaction the community might have to your decision, hold it against your family (possibly for generations), treat you terribly for breaking tradition. It is slightly selfish to hold you back like this yet at the same time your reasoning is also selfish. Young men in the UK think similarly to you. But you absolutely should follow your dreams.

She is also worried because the West does not have quite as strong family ties or sense of community.
It is a VERY tricky situation I'm sorry. I'm older and have seen.

If you turn your back on your family, you can't just say you're going to do all this without your parents. You absolutely will have to. And it's not easy, even when not dealing with a culture against you. Basically you may have to choose between your dreams and freedom and the support of your family. No-0one should have to make that choice and there are people to help you think through it.

Good luck!
Reply 32
Original post by Mimsycrafts
Hey good luck with this. My advice is to drop the conversations about it now. You've said your piece they've said theirs. You need to arm yourself with knowledge research what courses/where you want to go and why. When your older sit down and say I've applied here here and here because of this that and the other. If you go for a London uni (which I wouldn't rule out just because of their insistence) then choose one where you can do a year abroad and you get the freedom


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if course il apply to london! without a shadow of a doubt! there are some good unis in london but that doesnt necessarily mean that theyre the best in my course...
in a few years time il do more research when i get closer to the time and il look into the top unis for my course whatever i decide to do and il try to tell them i want to go here because theyre the best but my parents seem like those who dont care about education, they just want the girl to stay home and close to family whether its a good uni or not... thats my issue

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Original post by ha27
thank you i feel like i am brave enough to do it myself and hopefully win them round but theres just that annoying little thought that what if they disown me because i want to disobey them?

Posted from TSR Mobile


I'll be honest. They might disown you. They may never talk to you again. I just don't know. But you should not give up on your dreams, you deserve happiness.

If you do make the decision to leave, then you will definitely be more welcomed if you are respectful to the religion and culture in all other ways, and regularly visit unlike your brother. They will respect that and see you can have the best of both worlds, that the West is not poisoning you (which is what a lot of Asian parents s think and why they control you the way they do).

I suggest spending the next few years as mentioned, with some time to really research what Uni you want to go to, courses etc., and also how you are going to cope int he worst case scenario; where you are going to live, how you'll get a job, how you'll pay for food and rent and so on. But also, take advantage of the time before you're a legal adult to enjoy yourself :hugs:
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by ha27
exactly!!! my dad noticed i was grumpy he said whatsup i said i know you dont want me to go uni outisde when my brother did its not fair he said whats done is done youre staying here i asked why he said because we havent got the money when less than a month ago he was splashing out on laptops and tablets???????

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Tbh, I wouldn't worry about it. When it comes closer to the time of you applying then you just have to sit them down and have a serious conversation about that this is your decision to make and you'll make an extra effort to contact them and visit them. At the end of the day it's your future on the line.
Reply 35
Original post by Smash Bandicoot
Last words for you tonight my friend.



Can I ask Hinduism, Islam, Sikhism? Just because some of these, have quite strict cultures surrounding them as you know…if you do not believe in the faith then , but please understand yet again that it is not



Super. I recommend watching Wadjda, it'll give you a fiery spirit :biggrin:



Her reasoning is because you've been brought up in a culture which values the community over the individual. It's clashing with the western culture which values the individual more now, almost to the point of narcissism (being selfish)-think selfie culture.

I think that you should follow your dreams but bear in mind why your mum says what she does. This isn't about holding women back, this is about thinking of family; she's worried by the reaction the community might have to your decision, hold it against your family (possibly for generations), treat you terribly for breaking tradition. It is slightly selfish to hold you back like this yet at the same time your reasoning is also selfish. Young men in the UK think similarly to you. But you absolutely should follow your dreams.

She is also worried because the West does not have quite as strong family ties or sense of community.
It is a VERY tricky situation I'm sorry. I'm older and have seen.

If you turn your back on your family, you can't just say you're going to do all this without your parents. You absolutely will have to. And it's not easy, even when not dealing with a culture against you. Basically you may have to choose between your dreams and freedom and the support of your family. No-0one should have to make that choice and there are people to help you think through it.

Good luck!


iv read all your answers and im a muslim.
my mum did say something about the world is changing things are changing as if shr thinks my priorities are wrong and that i might start smoking and drinking which are prohibited but even though im not as religious as her, she just doesnt understand that i wouldnt be able to live with the guilt if i were to drink and face her knowing iv drunk and what her reaction would be. the west haschanged my brother i must say he doesnt come fo eid or christmas even he just stayed up in uni but apprently hes coming next week so im not sure...

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Original post by ha27
if course il apply to london! without a shadow of a doubt! there are some good unis in london but that doesnt necessarily mean that theyre the best in my course...
in a few years time il do more research when i get closer to the time and il look into the top unis for my course whatever i decide to do and il try to tell them i want to go here because theyre the best but my parents seem like those who dont care about education, they just want the girl to stay home and close to family whether its a good uni or not... thats my issue

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Oh I totally understand where your coming from. I can tell from your fiestiness that your not going to be held back :-)
Xx


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Reply 37
Original post by Smash Bandicoot
I'll be honest. They might disown you. They may never talk to you again. I just don't know. But you should not give up on your dreams, you deserve happiness.

If you do make the decision to leave, then you will definitely be more welcomed if you are respectful to the religion and culture in all other ways, and regularly visit unlike your brother. They will respect that and see you can have the best of both worlds, that the West is not poisoning you (which is what a lot of Asian parents s think and why they control you the way they do).

I suggest spending the next few years as mentioned, with some time to really research what Uni you want to go to, courses etc., and also how you are going to cope int he worst case scenario; where you are going to live, how you'll get a job, how you'll pay for food and rent and so on. But also, take advantage of the time before you're a legal adult to enjoy yourself :hugs:


i really want to show them im nothing like him and theyre just judging me based on what hes done when we are 2 COMPLETELY different people
i just cant show them that because they wont even give me a choice which is what angers me

the only reason i dont want to actually do what i want is because they may disown me otherwise i wouldnt be so confused about what theyd think because i could just win them round but with my parents im just not sure which is why im in a bit of a pickle!:no:

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Reply 38
Original post by Mimsycrafts
Oh I totally understand where your coming from. I can tell from your fiestiness that your not going to be held back :-)
Xx


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yeaahh... this is just the one thing i really want to do in life i feel like moving away and exploring is he begining of life and theyre taking it away from me... i know moving away and going to uni isnt for everyone but i really think its for me and the fact theyre just dismissing it is so upsetting

Posted from TSR Mobile
Hi,

I am thinking what about any extended family members such as your grandparents? Perhaps it's worth taking your father or mother's parents to one side and explaining them the situation so they can reason with your parents? Asian community respect their elders very much, I am sure your grandparents can talk some sense in them.

I remembered my grandad heard some silly scholar telling people at the mosque that women shouldn't have any education. He put that man in his place! I was lucky that my late grandfather was a great believer in education and women's rights. Even Islam support women's right to be educate. You should remind your parents that. But remember they are your parents who love you very much and want the best, even though they are wrong in this decision, they did it out of their love for you.

I am sure things will be sorted out for you soon. Pray to Allah. :smile:

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