Advice for us males.

I've just been through an emotional break up two days after Christmas.

It is horrible that it happened, but you know what happens happens.

What I want to know from you girls is:

1) How can we be seen as not manipulative? Or controlling?
2) How can we prevent our relationships from deteriorating?
3) How can I lets say, if I have a gf, make her not feel trapped? I want to know this so at least if I ever in my lifetime get another, I don't want her to feel this way.

And from the guys as well, just how would you work around this?

Reply 1

fletch17

2

Honestly no idea, never been in a relationship... But I guess just appreciating that we might not want to spend every minute with you, communicate. I'm sure you weren't manipulative. If it didn't work out, maybe it wasn't meant to?

Reply 2

manjotboyal

7

Original post by The Marshall

I've just been through an emotional break up two days after Christmas.

It is horrible that it happened, but you know what happens happens.

What I want to know from you girls is:

1) How can we be seen as not manipulative? Or controlling?
2) How can we prevent our relationships from deteriorating?
3) How can I lets say, if I have a gf, make her not feel trapped? I want to know this so at least if I ever in my lifetime get another, I don't want her to feel this way.

And from the guys as well, just how would you work around this?

I think that the key thing in a relationship is trust, love, and honesty. Be open about how you feel and just communicate with her even if it's hard. Of course everyone appreciates space as well as spending time together. You are only controlling if you restrict her from doing certain things or expressing herself, or even telling her who to spend time with and who to not talk to. I guess it's a mutual agreement between the two of you - as long as you are not ignorant of her views, I don't see how you would be seen as controlling! of course the opposite is also true. Just like you would be thoughtful towards her opinions and views and give 100%, it would only be fair to receive the same effort. It's not a lot of advice sorry, but hopefully it helps! :smile:

Reply 3

miniteen

2

How much pressure do you put on her? Are you jealous/possessive? Do you talk to her about a future with her?

These are the questions that spring to mind when I read your post. Each girl will be different, and will accept different things, but personally, I hate pressure. It really drives me away - and a guy who is constantly asking about my whereabouts, or who has my whole future planned out with him really puts me off.

Reply 4

The Marshall

OP

11

Original post by miniteen

How much pressure do you put on her? Are you jealous/possessive? Do you talk to her about a future with her?

These are the questions that spring to mind when I read your post. Each girl will be different, and will accept different things, but personally, I hate pressure. It really drives me away - and a guy who is constantly asking about my whereabouts, or who has my whole future planned out with him really puts me off.

Well she broke two days after Christmas which sucked.

To answer your question, I would never put pressure on her, ex or not, though this was my first relationship you know I don't put pressure. I honestly thought she was the best, and I would support her or any new gf if I ever get one. I always told her follow your path, and do what you wish. Because I can't just control someone's life, and neither do I intend to do. But she thought I was by I don't know how. I never even asked much.

So no never pressure. Jealousy....I'm not that jealous, or bothered. I would only feel it if she were to really get close with a friend, or if she devoted more time to that person rather than me - that would only be the jealous bit. Otherwise I never minded her having friends or any sort.

Now for future, actually I was intending at the time to plan it out and we had some discussions on it. Even so, I was going to plan it out according to how the situation changed. It was more flexible then - why would you as a girl hate this however if someone planned their future for you? I can imagine that you would want to work or plan something, but I'm not that sort of guy. Quite honestly, for me, I support my gf in her things, and she supports me in mine.

Original post by manjotboyal

I think that the key thing in a relationship is trust, love, and honesty. Be open about how you feel and just communicate with her even if it's hard. Of course everyone appreciates space as well as spending time together. You are only controlling if you restrict her from doing certain things or expressing herself, or even telling her who to spend time with and who to not talk to. I guess it's a mutual agreement between the two of you - as long as you are not ignorant of her views, I don't see how you would be seen as controlling! of course the opposite is also true. Just like you would be thoughtful towards her opinions and views and give 100%, it would only be fair to receive the same effort. It's not a lot of advice sorry, but hopefully it helps! :smile:

Well that helped a lot mate, though she did break up with me - maybe I didn't make it clearer - but I will use this to help myself improve should I be in another relationship.

That was the problem, she became less communicative for me, and didn't respond much.

But love, honesty and trust. I'll remember those three things.

I would never be ignorant of my gf's views. In fact I would love to hear them! She used to tell me during the early months - but then stopped telling it to me ( which was quite sad for me,). I would have to say my things and quite honestly I preffered her to say what she wanted, but she never did.

Nope I never told her once like stop or restricting her. Even so, I never have any intention of doing so - quite honestly if I get a new gf, I wouldn't restrict her, but what I would do is when we start the relationship, we have a good talk, and we set up boundaries so we don't need to worry about them in the relationship later on. That way both parties can agree to mutual consent on this.

Original post by fletch17

Honestly no idea, never been in a relationship... But I guess just appreciating that we might not want to spend every minute with you, communicate. I'm sure you weren't manipulative. If it didn't work out, maybe it wasn't meant to?

Now this was one complaint I did get, as we used to talk day after day, but then she needed her own time as well. So I understood and said on these days we'll talk so we can have time for ourselves. But somehow she'd ignore me for four - five days without talking to me - during the holidays.

For me now if I am to talk with a new gf lets say for example:

A) I will talk to her, send a message or so and so.
B) Talk on exclusive days should she be busy
C) Talk when it is important
D) Visit her when she is free.

So then I don't need to fall in the mutual trap of anything.

Reply 5

manjotboyal

7

you know what? I think you'll do great. You're very clear headed and you have a logical thought. You listened to what everyone had to say and you tried to think about future improvements. I believe, from what you're telling me, that the ending of this relationship wasn't entirely in your control and there wasn't a lot you could do. However, you'll find someone someday and trust me, she's a
lucky girl!

Reply 6

The Marshall

OP

11

Original post by manjotboyal

you know what? I think you'll do great. You're very clear headed and you have a logical thought. You listened to what everyone had to say and you tried to think about future improvements. I believe, from what you're telling me, that the ending of this relationship wasn't entirely in your control and there wasn't a lot you could do. However, you'll find someone someday and trust me, she's a
lucky girl! ��

Well, haha, thank you very much :smile:

It was not in my control so I fully agree, not a lot I could do.

No problem, your advice and others was very helpful. At least it gave me a better idea on what to work on.

Well hopefully, meanwhile I'll just put my entire effort now on studies and work hard. That's pretty much what I can do now at the minute to help myself.

Yeah I'll just give love, honesty, trust, those three things.

Thx guys for all your help!

Advice for us males.

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