Gold Digger.

Ok, the title is a little bit of light-heartedness, but my worries are real.

I have been seeing a man for nine months now, he is quite a lot older than i am and financially stable... more than that, comfortable. I am a self-funding PhD student, so not so stable and less comfortable financially. I am enjoying the situation that I am in as it makes my life a lot easier that i have someone to look after me, but I don't want to think of myself as being a gold-digger, and if people would see me in that light then i would be anxious to change a few things in my relationship.

At the start of our relationship I was in my gap year and working so I did have some income. He would always insist on buying the drinks whenever we went out and I suppose it was a bit of a novelty for me after three years of university and hanging round with other students who, quite understandably, could only afford their own drinks.
He would also buy me a few presents ie a new dress every few months or perfume or a bottles of gin. :suith:

Since i have been back at university and out of work and struggling, he has really stepped up his spending. I live away from home and i know he misses me, but each time we arrange to meet half way between our houses he'll pay for his own petrol to get to me and he'll insist on paying for mine. He'll then pay for lunch. He also gave me an envelope with £100 in as he thought i deserved to treat myself.

He was supposed to be taking me to Paris in a few weeks for 5 days and he insisted that I don't pay for a thing, not even the £20 to park my car at the airport while we were away. I was unable to get the time off university and we decided to go on our 'holiday' somewhere closer to home instead but since he had budgeted £1000 for the holiday he now says that whatever is left over after the comparatively cheaper holiday in Edinburgh or Ireland or somewhere, he is going to spend on me.

Am I behaving badly? I really do love this man and he loves me and although i am conscious of the stereotype of older man, young girl after his money, it isn't my motivation, i just like older men. Am I letting women down by not being 'independent' and enjoying being 'looked after'?

Reply 1

samba

6

No, you're behaving fine. And as long as he's comfortable and happy with it then it's all good :smile:

Personally I'd want to be financially secure for my family (girlfriend and kids) too....If somebody you love is struggling then you help them!

And I gave my flatmate an envelope with £100 in it last year! I hope that doesnt make me an older man :p:

Reply 2

General Mullet

No problems with that, you know your intentions so other people's opinions don't mean Jack. I'm usually skint and end up mooching off of my gf which I suppose is worse...

Reply 3

Profesh

20

He's making your life easier, and presumably well within his means; as should we all aspire to doing with respect to our (respective) significant others.

Ignore the stigma, and revel in it.

Reply 4

Reue

20

Wish someone would pay for me :P

Seriously, if you honestly do love him and he is totally willing and able to pay for stuff, let him! Personally i dont spend that much on girls because at the end of the day i want the girl to love me even if i didnt buy her a single thing ever... then anything i DO buy is a huge bonus !

Reply 5

high priestess fnord

9

im in pretty much the same situation. i live with my bf and hes earning while im a student. i have an xmas job but he can make the more in an hour than i can in an 8 hour shift so its kinda hard for me to ever go halves with him. i dont think your a gold digger at all

Reply 6

OC_girl

OP

Thanks guys :smile:

I feel a bit better about it now.

(I wont be watching 'Gold Plated' on channel 4 tonight!)

Reply 7

xelprep

Now playing: George Michael - Father Figure

Reply 8

maelys

Am I behaving badly? I really do love this man and he loves me and although i am conscious of the stereotype of older man, young girl after his money, it isn't my motivation, i just like older men. Am I letting women down by not being 'independent' and enjoying being 'looked after'?

Of course you're not! I used to have a nice older man to pay for things, partly as I was unemployed and a student, and even though I'd try and insist on paying for things like meals out etc, he insisted that I didn't, and there is only so much bartering you can do at a dinner table in public :wink:

The truth is, you have much ambition and stamina for embarking upon a PhD and it will bring rewards, some of which are monetary, and when that time comes, you can take a turn and spoil him :smile:

Independence is a wonderful thing, and the course of study that you are doing, requires a lot of it. Even if you were his wife, and still earning, he'd still see it as the gentlemanly thing to pay for both of you and spoil you.

You have a good man in him. Not because of his giving nice presents, but he does sound genuinely kind and considerate of your situation. Most people who would call you a 'gold-digger' are likely to be jealous anyway :wink:

So don't fret!

Reply 9

OC_girl

OP

Independence is a wonderful thing, and the course of study that you are doing, requires a lot of it. Even if you were his wife, and still earning, he'd still see it as the gentlemanly thing to pay for both of you and spoil you.

He is really gentlemanly and considerate to me and the struggles I am facing. I would love to buy something for him, just to even the score a little bit, but (I know it's a cliche) men are harder to buy for.

Reply 10

samba

6

A nice private yacht perhaps when you're older? :smile:

Reply 11

OC_girl

OP

samba

A nice private yacht perhaps when you're older? :smile:

Perhaps

(or i was thinking some massage oils or... something, as i know that even though he spoils me financially, i do spoil him in other ways :wink:

)

Reply 12

samba

6

As much anal sex as he wants?

Reply 13

Anubis

1

Your not a gold digger at all. If someone judges you because of the fact you are with someone older, then that says something about themselves!

By the sounds of it £100 isn't a lot to this guy, and its not like he hands it over every day - he gave it to you so it meant something (and it did). He only wants to treat someone he loves.

If you won the lottery, you'd no doubt give a few fancy presents to loved ones - so its the same principle. :smile:

Gold diggers are those who go sniffing around others when they know they have money. They often pester for materialistic goods and are often never happy - they kind of act like spoilt brats. And your not at all - your a hard working student who has something to show for themselves (just because you have a lack of money doesn't mean your any less than someone with money).

All you got to remember is that not to take it for granted (even if your bf can afford it). Buy him small presents (even if its like £5) - its the thought thats gone into something that makes people smile - not the cost. :cool:

Oh - and congratulations!

Reply 14

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

Nah, your behaviour is fine. He's in a position to do something nice for you, so you should let him.

With that having been said, it wouldn't hurt you to do nice things for him too, albeit not financially related. You could perhaps be more generous in bed than he is, or make more romantic gestures, allow him more choice of the activities you do together or whatever.

Reply 15

OC_girl

OP

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

Nah, your behaviour is fine. He's in a position to do something nice for you, so you should let him.

With that having been said, it wouldn't hurt you to do nice things for him too, albeit not financially related. You could perhaps be more generous in bed than he is, or make more romantic gestures, allow him more choice of the activities you do together or whatever.

I try to be gracious and accommodating to his wants, ie when we were going to go to Paris, there's a war museum that he likes to look around whenever he goes to Paris. This doesn't interest me at all, but i said i would spend the day there with him, just because i love him.