Is it acceptable for a daughter to ask their father why he had an affair?

Pretty much what it says in the title. Whilst my dad worked abroad he had an affair and from what I can gather it was with more than one woman. My dad never told me directly but my mum has and it was heartbreaking when she did especially seeing how badly it hurt her. My parents are still together but I hate how much it has pained my mum and I want to know why he did it. Is it an acceptable thing for me to ask and if so how do I go about doing it? If not how can I ever respect my father again?

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Reply 1

The_Lonely_Goatherd

I'd say that's a fair question :console:

Reply 2

Helloworld_95

I'd say it's acceptable as long as you're open to the idea of the answer changing your mind.

Reply 3

Simes

I think it is both none of your business, and you are entitled to ask. Whether you get an answer...

Any of these statements of any use?

"Dad, I am confused. I want to believe you love Mum but I don't understand how you could be unfaithful and love her. What you did had an effect on all of us, it was a horrible time. We were all hurt by what you did. Mum seems to have forgiven you. Why should I forgive you, and don't say it's for Mum's sake because that's not good enough. I need to know why you did what you did. I also need to know whether you intend to do it again, and if so, why are you still here. Right now I am angry with you and you lost my respect by what you did. I want to respect you, but right now it feels you need to earn it. You threw away my trust and I cannot respect someone who cannot be trusted not to hurt me or my Mum. I'm your son/daughter and I'm young and vulnerable and I'm frightened by what you did. I need stability and good role models in my life and I think it is important my Dad should be one of them. Are you up to that job, Dad? Because I want and need you to be."

Some other words may come from the answers to:
- do you still love him?
- do you want him to stay around this time?

And it might be a techno-world, but a carefully-written letter still works wonders.

Be prepared for tears all round.

Good luck.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 4

DorianGrayism

Original post by Anonymous

. s it an acceptable thing for me to ask and if so how do I go about doing it?

I understand that you are hurt but you are not going to get anywhere asking a sarky question. It is just going to cause an argument.

Reply 5

kka25

Wow, I'd wonder what the father would answer : /

Reply 6

AyshuPayshu

I would say ask by all means.

i wouldn't ask

It's totally acceptable IMO. He should be held responsible and you are part of the family, and also one of the people affected by his actions so why shouldn't you be able to ask? But you may not gain much from asking.

Reply 9

TorpidPhil

Original post by Sulpha

What's the point in asking though ? The answer is simple and obvious.

He wanted to have sex with another woman who he found attractive, probably more so than your mother.

Your dad is only human and people have lapses of judgement and make mistakes. I'm willing to bet if you really think about it, that you know all of this anyway and you only want to "ask" him about it as a way of you letting him know, that you're aware of what happened and disapprove. He probably already knows that anyway.

Cheating normally takes quite a bit more than being more attracted to another woman lol. Usually there is a lack of romance between the original two, or at the very least lack of emotional investment in one another and lots of household stress.

Reply 10

OGGUS

depends if she is affected by it or not

Reply 11

studentnewspaper

Original post by Anonymous

Perhaps your mother was exaggerating? If you do ask you should probably ask if he did and then why, not why straight away. Anyway, I've been in your situation and from my experience you can't ever respect your father again, even if he does show remorse, given your mother's pain.

Reply 12

Ebony19

Who cares if people think it's acceptable or not you're likely been hurt in the process so course you have a right to ask whatever you like. Whether he answers in any honest way is a different question. Good luck hun x

Reply 13

username944192

If you don't ask you don't get. He might well say it's none of your business or not appropriate for you to ask - after all, his romantic relationship with your mother isn't really to do with you. But, I understand why you would want to know, and he might well be happy to discuss it with you. No harm done in asking.

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

Don't do it, what you find out might completely damage the relationship that you have with your father.

Reply 15

Pariah

of course it's acceptable

however you need to be prepared for:-

1 the possibility you won't like the answer - how will you feel if it's something like 'i never loved your mother, she tricked me into marrying her' or 'she stopped having sex with me and let herself go after she had you' or 'she had one first' ?

2 the possibility that he will just lie to you

if you can't do it face to face write him a letter?

Reply 16

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

I'm a guy, and my dad has cheated on my mum with someone he works with. I confronted him, told him he lost my respect and that he was scum.

He made a promise not only to your mother in marriage, but to you when you were born, no child should have to go through what he have been and my dad cheating has ****ed me up in so many ways (insecure, abandonment, trust issues etc.)I would say that it's not only acceptable, but a right as a child to ask why he did this not only to your mother, but you. I'm sorry this has happened to you and hope it hasn't affected you too much.

I became jaded and bitter which was reflected in my action with my friends and girlfriend I had. I recognise this was my fault, but don't let yourself fall into this dark place, try and stay positive

i wouldn't ask

Your mostly likely to ask your father because his life would affect your life

Reply 19

charlottedonny

I think it's perfectly acceptable. I did this with my dad when he did this to my mum and he gave me the answer "well I love your mum but I'm not in love with your mum anymore" to which I simply replied "then you should have left. not cheated" 😕 I never have and never will condone cheating I think it's absolutely awful. so yes, I think it's fine to ask your dad that. you deserve an answer too.

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