Being taken for granted... withdraw or step up for myself?

Try option 2 - what's the most that can go wrong whereas option - just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. To be honest, I think what you really need to do is tell him that you feel that you're being taken for granted. He probably doesn't know and you're not exactly giving him a chance to work it out.

What? Who gave you advice number 2? If it was like that abusive partners would stop being abusive when they saw that their partners were trying harder to be the best they can be. That is a dumb advice.

He's not treating you nicely either play games and go with option 1 or leave him. Ain't nobody got time to be rewarding bad behaviour like in option 2.


When a child is misbehaving, do [most] parents try to be the best parents they can be or do they discipline their child? What a notion...

I have told him.

He said he knows he's being a bad boyfriend and is going to continue to be but he can't help it because he's got so much work.

I told him he's not a bad boyfriend but doing x y and z makes me feel neglected.


He said x y and z takes too much time when he has to work

I argued x y and z really doesn't take a lot of time and could easily be done in the evening/ weekend when he's not working

we have to agree to disagree

Based off this post I'm gonna say that this relationship probably ain't gonna work.

But I'm no expert...


Posted from TSR Mobile

Could you please explain your reasoning?

Couldn't come to some sort of compromise, relationships tend to involve at least trying to make the other person happy...

I'm no expert though.


Posted from TSR Mobile

I see where you're coming from... but I don't like the notion that I'm like a parent who has to teach him how to behave.... and if I was, isn't part of teaching someone how to behave setting a good example? So if I don't do anything nice for him....which to be honest the only thing I can think of recently is making the effort to travel to see him (and I get something out of that to), isn't it a bit rich that I expect better?

Not in all cases. If you're doing bad at school, your parents are not going to to school and teach you how to behave, are they? Since you want to take that hypothetical question seriously, let's.

It seems like by your reasoning you're stuck doing nice things for him until he gets bored of you. Sometimes we only appreciate what we have, when we realise we can lose it at any minute. Maybe he needs to see that.
I also assume that you are 'behaving' like a good girlfriend hence you feel the need to call him out for not doing his part so no, it wouldn't be rich to expect better if you just stopped being a good girlfriend.

I feel like I've recently been an 'okay girlfriend'. I am usually a lot more giving and generous in a relationship but just felt like a bit of a tool with him being so stingy so I have been holding back the giving part of me as I presumed it would create an even bigger power imbalance until I read the advice. He hasn't always taken me for granted. Maybe it's turned into a viscous cycle of he did less then my expectations, so I did less, then he did even less, then I did even less... Like he even hinted last time I saw him, that every time in the beginning I used to bake for him and how he liked my desserts and maybe I could again and I said ' frankly I can't be bothered when I've already spent a lot of time travelling down to see you and you're not reciprocating even coming to visit me'. When I read that back, I don't want to be like that in a relationship. I can't imagine saying anything like that to any of my exes. They had flaws sure, but there was mutual give and take. This is so weird because in the xmas holidays, i pretty much was living at his place he was being so sweet making me cups of coffee, bringing round nice food he knows I like etc It just seemed a lot changed in the few weeks I was back at uni

That's very strange, did something happened between you too?
I think your reply to his bakery request was accurate. You're supposed to be rewarding good behaviour. If he is not working for it and you have to travel down to see him all the time, don't bake for him. It's not healthy to be holding back, there is obviously something wrong here. Did he say he was going to try to visit you more?

No, nothing. I just got a bad acute illness so instead of being all fufilled and having a life, I spent a week in bed (at home rather than uni) and then saw him before going back to uni last night. I think i just got a bit clingy when I was sick...like usually I'm so busy I'm not waiting for him to call but I just became more dependent on his company I guess. It freaked him out which got me really annoyed....because when I've been that sick in a relationship before other guys have wanted to take care of me/ if they couldn't would do something like send flowers. Instead of doing anything extra he was doing less than usual, like calling me really late at night not taking into consideration that I needed early nights to rest and then telling me he didn't want to see me because he had too much work to get sick (what I had wasn't contagious) . Again, because I was sick I had more time to fixate on our relationship problems. Maybe I shouldn't have seen him because I probably was at my worst but then I feel like if you love someone you want to see them even if they are sick if it's the only chance you'll get to see them in three weeks.