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Relationship problem

I split up with a girl (I'm 20, she's 19) I had been seeing for around 18 months in September because we were going to University and we both were worried that we would miss out on 'University life' by being together and having a 6 hour distance between us. We did however, end on a great note and were more than happy to 'discuss how things were at Christmas' and talked every day for the first 6 weeks or so.

That said, being brutally honest, I was a complete dick to her in parts of our relationship. I cheated on her (very regrettably) in the first month or two of our relationship, and she found out around 6-8 months later (Again, I was spineless and should have told her - or simply not done it). We got through it after I worked continuously but there were still trust issues obviously. She was a virgin when I first got together with her and despite having relations with quite a few other girls, I've never had such a connection with someone and have a bit of a fear of relationships. It's only now that I've matured enough to the extent where I feel I can fully commit to someone.

Since trying to speak to her again, I've had a few problems due to the fact that I've said a few things when drunk and taken flirting with her a little bit too far to the extent that she said she just wants space from me at the moment and thinks I need the space to get over her. She didn't want to see me at Christmas in case her feelings were to come back and then be left in a precarious scenario. This was 6 weeks ago.

As she always made a really unsubtle hint about getting her flowers etc. I'm throwing my final throw of the dice here and getting her some really nice flowers as well as writing her a handwritten letter. I just wanted some thoughts on the letter - I don't want to come across too strong like I have previously, I want to be more concise and brutally honest. *Just like to add that I'm focussing on my own faults here (she had flaws too) and I'm more than aware how much of a complete and utter ball bag I am/was.

XXXXXXX,

Firstly, it’s probably a good idea to say that this isn’t like the last letter I sent you; it’s far less ‘please take me back’ and more reflective if anything. I know you’re probably sick of me by now, but I left it as long as I could before messaging you. A large part of this letter will be somewhat familiar to what I’ve said in the past however, I think that the 5/6 weeks we haven’t spoken has given me time to digest things a lot more and hopefully given you the space you wanted. My main hope for this letter is one final grasping of straws to contact you and have at least some form of communication with you. I promise you that I won’t message you again after this if you don’t reach out to me, XXXXXX.


I’m not going to be naive anymore and think that I can win you back with meaningless words, I don’t think either of us need to go through that any further - especially when I’m drunk. Since getting to University, I’d like to think I’ve changed as a person for the better and I definitely have you to thank for that. I’m not going to say how perfect our relationship was and how we should always be together etc, but I can at least take solace in the fact that I’m a better person for knowing you and having you in my life.


Since getting to University, I’d like to think that I’ve addressed a few of my quite apparent flaws; a major one being my gambling. Although I’ve said sorry for being a complete and utter dickhead to you at times, I haven’t addressed my general neglect towards you, in that, we never got to go out places, I was distant at birthdays etc and how it was always you travelling to me (albeit, for different reasons in the end). I was completely selfish and upon realising that, I haven’t gambled since and I don’t plan on doing.


I’ve also changed how I see girls and relationships in general, and can finally appreciate why you were always so protective and fierce (in a complementary way) towards me when it came to other girls. Through my experiences at Uni and fighting over silly little girls, I guess I’ve learnt how important trust is within a relationship and I don’t think I ever got that back from you after the whole XXXXXX situation; however looking back, I never really gave you a reason to trust me again - I still talked to girls even though you voiced how upset it made you. I never really reciprocated the protective and fierce way you were towards me, simply because I trusted you without any exceptions or scenarios. That said, I’ve never been as angry when you told me about the guy who messed you around and said awful things in the club you were in. As tragic as it sounds, I would have literally jumped on the train there and then to tell him what I thought of him had you let me. I guess I’d just be more protective of you now simply because I’d know what it’s like to not have you in some way or form in my life.


It’s kind of sad that I’ve pushed you away when trying to be closer to you, I just hope you appreciate that my intentions were always honest and true, even if slightly incoherent and jumbled. I do however think that some of the things I said confused you to the extent where you felt like you had to overly state that you didn’t want to lead me on when actually I was aware that you wouldn’t necessarily want to completely resume things, despite how well they ended before University. I really would be lying if I said that I don’t think about you every single day XXXXXX, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s my biggest regret that I didn’t realise sooner. I really deserve nothing from you from how I’ve treated you in the past, and I don’t even dispute that. There were so many points in our relationship where you deserved better than me and frankly, should have had better than me and I wish I could have given that to you more than anything.


I don’t feel like I’ve actually said what I wanted to come of ‘us’ from my drunken ramblings to you or in this letter, and I think that’s where one of the problems may actually lie. I don’t want or expect to send this letter to you and then you suddenly say ‘OK, let’s get back together’; I simply want you in my life again, I’ve never had such a connection with anyone before (friends, girlfriends, family members, whatever); I want to see what happens when we talk again, when we can just flirt with each other and can tell each other everything; I want to go out places with you, like on actual dates, and sulk when you beat me at bowling as always (I still despite the awful game) or get dressed up again (any excuse to wear my many blazers) and take you out for dinner. If anything, I just want to tell you about my flatmates and how I’m actually following through with transferring from XXXX (I got an offer from XXXXX and only need a 3rd to transfer despite A*AA general admissions, plus an offer from XXXXXX but I need a 1st) and also that I got a MacBook! (Just like to say I’m sorry for ever giving you stick about getting one because mine is so awesome, not going to lie).


I hope you like the flowers I sent you, I hope you don’t mind they aren’t roses (Valentines day and what not), but I don’t think I could go any more cliche than the letter. I think you’ll like they anyway, I spent around 3 hours picking the ‘right’ ones.


I feel so pompous and pretentious writing this letter, but I’m struggling to find the exact words for what I want to say without coming across as such. There’s so much more I want to say, but I’m not sure how much else you want to read. I guess all I can really say is that for a final time, I really am sorry for everything. I genuinely love you so much, XXXXX, and the distance of being away from you hasn’t changed that in the slightest.


Hopefully talk soon,
Love XXXX
Reply 1
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Anonymous #1
OP
I still have more to add, but that was the general gist of it. It's still somewhat incoherent so I'll definitely move it around some.
That letter is too long and formal. Love letters should flow off the page, not read like an exam paper. Don't use phrases like "somewhat familiar" and "one final grasping of straws" and "quite apparent flaws" and "as such" - Do you talk like this with the girl? Well don't profess your love like that either. Love is close and intimate not sterile and scripted. Do say things that only she would understand so it's not just a generic love letter. The second paragraph was fairly nice, though you then spoiled it by starting the third paragraph with the same phrase used in the second, i.e. "Since getting to University, I’d like to think that I’ve..." The last two paragraphs were better, though there are a fair amount of grammatical errors - this can either look emotional, as if you've written it in a flood of passion and tears, or it can look lazy as if you don't really care. You'll have to make that decision based on this girl and your relationship with her.

Honestly though, you cheated on her. You care about her and miss her but you're not in love with her no matter how much you think it right now. That's not how love works. You say this: "you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s my biggest regret that I didn’t realise sooner" - you didn't realise because you weren't in love and now you miss her being protective over you and all the enjoyable memories you shared, but you weren't in love then and you aren't now. Save yourself and this girl a lot of heartache and move on. It sounds to me like you need to focus on yourself; your gambling, your trustworthiness, your sense of who you are.

That's my take given the information supplied, but ultimately it's up to you.
Reply 3
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by macromicro
That letter is too long and formal. Love letters should flow off the page, not read like an exam paper. Don't use phrases like "somewhat familiar" and "one final grasping of straws" and "quite apparent flaws" and "as such" - Do you talk like this with the girl? Well don't profess your love like that either. Love is close and intimate not sterile and scripted. Do say things that only she would understand so it's not just a generic love letter. The second paragraph was fairly nice, though you then spoiled it by starting the third paragraph with the same phrase used in the second, i.e. "Since getting to University, I’d like to think that I’ve..." The last two paragraphs were better, though there are a fair amount of grammatical errors - this can either look emotional, as if you've written it in a flood of passion and tears, or it can look lazy as if you don't really care. You'll have to make that decision based on this girl and your relationship with her.

Honestly though, you cheated on her. You care about her and miss her but you're not in love with her no matter how much you think it right now. That's not how love works. You say this: "you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s my biggest regret that I didn’t realise sooner" - you didn't realise because you weren't in love and now you miss her being protective over you and all the enjoyable memories you shared, but you weren't in love then and you aren't now. Save yourself and this girl a lot of heartache and move on. It sounds to me like you need to focus on yourself; your gambling, your trustworthiness, your sense of who you are.

That's my take given the information supplied, but ultimately it's up to you.


I cheated on her at the start of the relationship, I think it's a little unfair to say I didn't love her because of something I did 4 weeks in to a relationship that lasted almost two years.

I didn't really aim for a 'love letter', I just wanted to put down on paper what I thought.

My grammar isn't the best in general.
Reply 4
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by macromicro
That letter is too long and formal. Love letters should flow off the page, not read like an exam paper. Don't use phrases like "somewhat familiar" and "one final grasping of straws" and "quite apparent flaws" and "as such" - Do you talk like this with the girl? Well don't profess your love like that either. Love is close and intimate not sterile and scripted. Do say things that only she would understand so it's not just a generic love letter. The second paragraph was fairly nice, though you then spoiled it by starting the third paragraph with the same phrase used in the second, i.e. "Since getting to University, I’d like to think that I’ve..." The last two paragraphs were better, though there are a fair amount of grammatical errors - this can either look emotional, as if you've written it in a flood of passion and tears, or it can look lazy as if you don't really care. You'll have to make that decision based on this girl and your relationship with her.

Honestly though, you cheated on her. You care about her and miss her but you're not in love with her no matter how much you think it right now. That's not how love works. You say this: "you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s my biggest regret that I didn’t realise sooner" - you didn't realise because you weren't in love and now you miss her being protective over you and all the enjoyable memories you shared, but you weren't in love then and you aren't now. Save yourself and this girl a lot of heartache and move on. It sounds to me like you need to focus on yourself; your gambling, your trustworthiness, your sense of who you are.

That's my take given the information supplied, but ultimately it's up to you.


Didn't realised I'd started the second and third paragraph the same though, I think I wrote it out twice and may have just continued. Oops. I appreciate your critiquing of what I wrote though. Anything else?
Just do what I do and call them at 3am. Works everytime.
Reply 6
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by Izzyeviel
Just do what I do and call them at 3am. Works everytime.


It doesn't :tongue: trust me haha.
Reply 7
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by macromicro
Yeah it must be love - an 18 month teenage relationship that started off with cheating and ended with a mutual agreement to "enjoy university".

I tried to help; enjoy the inevitable heartache.



There really is zero reason to be so rude and obnoxious. I asked for your help, not your commentary on what my 'love' is or isn't. I thank you for the advice you gave.
Original post by Anonymous
I asked for your help, not your commentary on what my 'love' is or isn't.


How could I comment on your love letter without commenting on your love? They are one and the same.
Reply 9
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Anonymous #1
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Original post by macromicro
How could I comment on your love letter without commenting on your love? They are one and the same.


It wasn't a love letter. I'm not really sure what you're trying to get out of now being rude and abrasive towards me. If you don't have any other criticism of my letter then there's no need to comment further.
Original post by macromicro
It is a love letter and that's nothing to be ashamed of. It has potential if you make the corrections I outlined.

I apologise if my methods have insulted you. I find that being brutally frank and honest forces people to realise the truth much quicker than softness and mollycoddling. If you keep chasing this girl, I can assure you that in the next few months or even over the next year or so, you'll look back to this moment and think, "I wish I just listened to macromicro on TSR - yes he was fierce and rude but god dammit, he was right on the money."


You can be brutally frank, but there's only so much you know about my relationship with her. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. I'm asking for your help on the letter, not advice on what to do with her. I would really appreciate it.
I'd just say it's not worth the effort. Not only did she say she wants space (and a grand gesture like a huge bunch of flowers and a really long letter directly contradicts that), but she is also going to uni. That is the nail in the coffin of 99.9 relationships at your age. Uni life is too short to spend it chasing after a doomed relationship. I did that for the first year of uni, really wish I hadn't. I had so many opportunities to have a great time, not just one night stands but other great social occasions, that were just ruined because I was obsessing over my now ex girlfriend and I didn't feel up to going. It makes you hate university.
Original post by The Good Doctor
I'd just say it's not worth the effort. Not only did she say she wants space (and a grand gesture like a huge bunch of flowers and a really long letter directly contradicts that), but she is also going to uni. That is the nail in the coffin of 99.9 relationships at your age. Uni life is too short to spend it chasing after a doomed relationship. I did that for the first year of uni, really wish I hadn't. I had so many opportunities to have a great time, not just one night stands but other great social occasions, that were just ruined because I was obsessing over my now ex girlfriend and I didn't feel up to going. It makes you hate university.


The flowers are a personal thing - it's something she always insinuated she wanted. It's Valentine's Day, thus why I'm doing it.

I don't mean to be rude but just because your situation went that way doesnt necessarily mean that my relationship will. I do appreciate the comment though.
Reply 13
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Lucia.
16
Original post by Anonymous
We did however, end on a great note and were more than happy to 'discuss how things were at Christmas' and talked every day for the first 6 weeks or so.

It's great you were able to end on a good note. Surely that shows that she's forgiven you for everything in the past, especially since you worked through it during the relationship?

Original post by Anonymous
I've never had such a connection with someone and have a bit of a fear of relationships. It's only now that I've matured enough to the extent where I feel I can fully commit to someone.

That's really great to hear. I still think you are very young though. I know I am only five years older than you but believe me a lot changes by the time you become old like me :smile:. What I'm saying is that you think you won't have a connection like that again but you haven't been out there to date lots of other girls and see. I'm sorry if that sounds patronising. I'm not putting down what you two had together but I think it's likely you're looking at it with rose tinted glasses.

Original post by Anonymous
Since trying to speak to her again, I've had a few problems due to the fact that I've said a few things when drunk and taken flirting with her a little bit too far to the extent that she said she just wants space from me at the moment and thinks I need the space to get over her. She didn't want to see me at Christmas in case her feelings were to come back and then be left in a precarious scenario. This was 6 weeks ago.

I would honestly approach this situation with caution. She said you need space to get over her. It seems like she has moved on and wants to distance herself from you. You need to give her the space she says she needs and then she'll get in touch again if she feels like it.

Original post by Anonymous
As she always made a really unsubtle hint about getting her flowers etc. I'm throwing my final throw of the dice here and getting her some really nice flowers as well as writing her a handwritten letter.

Remember you are not in a relationship anymore so you should be careful. The artfully composed romantic gestures might just backfire on you and you're risking your dignity. If it was me, I would try and feel it out first. Plus to me, I'd be a bit freaked out if an ex boyfriend turned up with flowers and letter, even if it was a guy I'd liked at the time. It'd be a lot to handle. Do you want to date her again?

I think it's thoughtful that you've written a letter but I would hold off on doing that for now. Is the letter written for your benefit or hers? Because if everything is water under the bridge and she seems to have moved on, then there's not much point in giving her it. It'd just shake things up a bit more when she seems to want space anyway. If she wants space, a gesture like that will make her feel crowded. If she's moved on, it'll make you seem desperate for her attention.

I know you want closure. I think you achieve that by making better choices next time and using the lessons you learned with the next girl. I've believed for a while now that the only closure I can get is what I give to myself...with others, there will always be a 'what if?'.
I agree with macro micro - the letter is too long. It must take ages to write all that out. Especially cos you have to start over when you get something wrong! Love letters have to be perfect.

And please rephrase 'grasping at the straws'.
Original post by Anonymous
The flowers are a personal thing - it's something she always insinuated she wanted. It's Valentine's Day, thus why I'm doing it.

I don't mean to be rude but just because your situation went that way doesnt necessarily mean that my relationship will. I do appreciate the comment though.


I understood the point of the flowers, but that does not detract from my point. She said she wants space and you are doing the exact opposite.

True. But this happens to almost every couple that goes to separate universities. Seriously, probably somewhere in the region of 1 in 100,000+ will make it. The rest don't and end up wasting varying amounts of time on it. In my case, I wasted about 2 years on it, the latter year of which was spent constantly pursuing her and obsessing over why and how we broke up and what she was doing after we broke up. Every other couple I know who went to separate unis also didn't make it. Some were together for a considerable amount of time before they went, 2 years plus. I was with my ex for two and a half years before we broke up.
(edited 9 years ago)

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