Girlfriends low libido is seriously affecting our relationship
Here is some background info first, we are both in our mid 20's and have been together for 6 months in a long distance relationship. We get on very well together apart from the bedroom, as my girlfriend doesn't really seem to be interested in sex at all.
Not to brag but just to avoid any wrong assumptions, I have been in sexual relationsihps with over 15 girls and never had a problem with pleasing them. All girls are different of course but usually there is always something one likes.
So basically my girlfriend is not interested in having sex at all. She still does it because I want it, but personally she isn't interested. I have been able to make her orgasm a few times through oral, but this doesn't seem like a big deal to her at all (as in she wouldn't care if I never did it).
Every time we are about to have sex she says something like "not tonight, ok?" or "don't touch me" jokingly. This has completely taken everything passionate away about our sex so I've actually started thinking of other girls while we have sex.. it feels like I'm only using her as a masturbation device.
I always try do do a long foreplay, but the thing is she doesn't enjoy anything like me touching or kissing her body either. She doesn't like anything except cuddling in bed before falling asleep.. I would do anything she likes and I've talked to her to try and find out what would she like, but the answer is usually "no".
I can sometimes get her to pleasure me, e.g. blowjob or handjob, but she usually turns me off pretty bad by always saying something before like "i hate you" or something because she's not interested in doing it. This kinda makes me wonder, that does she even have feelings for me? Because I would do things to my partner simply to see her like something, not just sex. The fact that I do something that causes happiness in her makes me happy too, but it doesn't to be the case with her.
Otherwise, she seems to like me: she has introduced me to all her friends and family, wants to spend a lot of time with me and speaks to me every day.
What should I do? I feel like this isn't working out at all. Sex where only one person enjoys it feels very empty - but it is not her fault of course, if she simply isn't interested.
Not to brag but just to avoid any wrong assumptions, I have been in sexual relationsihps with over 15 girls and never had a problem with pleasing them. All girls are different of course but usually there is always something one likes.
So basically my girlfriend is not interested in having sex at all. She still does it because I want it, but personally she isn't interested. I have been able to make her orgasm a few times through oral, but this doesn't seem like a big deal to her at all (as in she wouldn't care if I never did it).
Every time we are about to have sex she says something like "not tonight, ok?" or "don't touch me" jokingly. This has completely taken everything passionate away about our sex so I've actually started thinking of other girls while we have sex.. it feels like I'm only using her as a masturbation device.
I always try do do a long foreplay, but the thing is she doesn't enjoy anything like me touching or kissing her body either. She doesn't like anything except cuddling in bed before falling asleep.. I would do anything she likes and I've talked to her to try and find out what would she like, but the answer is usually "no".
I can sometimes get her to pleasure me, e.g. blowjob or handjob, but she usually turns me off pretty bad by always saying something before like "i hate you" or something because she's not interested in doing it. This kinda makes me wonder, that does she even have feelings for me? Because I would do things to my partner simply to see her like something, not just sex. The fact that I do something that causes happiness in her makes me happy too, but it doesn't to be the case with her.
Otherwise, she seems to like me: she has introduced me to all her friends and family, wants to spend a lot of time with me and speaks to me every day.
What should I do? I feel like this isn't working out at all. Sex where only one person enjoys it feels very empty - but it is not her fault of course, if she simply isn't interested.
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She's probably gay and isn't ready to admit it to herself yet. She might feel the need to be in a heterosexual relationship to stop people (family and friends) from nagging her about being single.
Sorry if you actually have feelings for her, man.
Sorry if you actually have feelings for her, man.
She isn't necessarily gay -.-
Have you actually spoken to her about it? That's normally the best way to find out. Maybe she has never been interested in sex but maybe it could be effected by medication (the pill or anti-depressants as an example). If you discuss it with her maybe you can understand her and she will understand you. It's possible she doesn't even realise it's a problem
Have you actually spoken to her about it? That's normally the best way to find out. Maybe she has never been interested in sex but maybe it could be effected by medication (the pill or anti-depressants as an example). If you discuss it with her maybe you can understand her and she will understand you. It's possible she doesn't even realise it's a problem
Original post by Alaric III
She's probably gay and isn't ready to admit it to herself yet. She might feel the need to be in a heterosexual relationship to stop people (family and friends) from nagging her about being single.
Sorry if you actually have feelings for her, man.
Sorry if you actually have feelings for her, man.
Hmm this could be! But I really doubt it. She comes from a country where being openly gay is very widely accepted. Also she has never expressed any sort of interest in other females and she has had boyfriends before me.
Original post by Elliebeanie
She isn't necessarily gay -.-
Have you actually spoken to her about it? That's normally the best way to find out. Maybe she has never been interested in sex but maybe it could be effected by medication (the pill or anti-depressants as an example). If you discuss it with her maybe you can understand her and she will understand you. It's possible she doesn't even realise it's a problem
Have you actually spoken to her about it? That's normally the best way to find out. Maybe she has never been interested in sex but maybe it could be effected by medication (the pill or anti-depressants as an example). If you discuss it with her maybe you can understand her and she will understand you. It's possible she doesn't even realise it's a problem
Yeah I have tried but it's difficult. She isn't on the pill or isn't taking any other medication either - perfectly healthy. We were once discussing masturbation and she said she would do it maybe every 2 months. For me, I like to orgasm every night and every morning (but can of course wait a few days/week if I have to).. so as you can see we have unmatching libidos.
Original post by Elliebeanie
She isn't necessarily gay -.-
Have you actually spoken to her about it? That's normally the best way to find out. Maybe she has never been interested in sex but maybe it could be effected by medication (the pill or anti-depressants as an example). If you discuss it with her maybe you can understand her and she will understand you. It's possible she doesn't even realise it's a problem
Have you actually spoken to her about it? That's normally the best way to find out. Maybe she has never been interested in sex but maybe it could be effected by medication (the pill or anti-depressants as an example). If you discuss it with her maybe you can understand her and she will understand you. It's possible she doesn't even realise it's a problem
I don't mean it's the only possibility, it's just something that sometimes happens and shouldn't be ruled out. As you say, it could just be a lack of interest in sex caused by any number of factors (a history of sexual abuse even), but I'd say being gay would be a very logical explanation for a lack of interest.
She might be asexual or gray-sexual or whatever. Or gay. Idk. Maybe she's had a bad experience or something? Talk to her about it.
Some people just have low sex drives.
Original post by Anonymous
Hmm this could be! But I really doubt it. She comes from a country where being openly gay is very widely accepted. Also she has never expressed any sort of interest in other females and she has had boyfriends before me.
A friend of a friend had a boyfriend at uni and for all intents and purposes was straight, but she seemed pretty uptight. Apparently she later moved to Brighton and has come out as a lesbian, and is a much livelier person etc. Being gay is as okay here as it is anywhere as far as I'm aware, yet she still felt the need to 'conform' for quite some time.
Having very different sex drives can really affect a relationship eventually, it's one of those things that you are going to have to discuss with her in order to reach a compromise. If she is not prepared to compromise at all when you are, I suppose you have to consider how important it is to you. And if she refuses to even discuss it with you need to try and find out why
Been in a similar situation in the past. Tough as it is to admit, there are more factors governing compatibility than your feelings for a person. While it wasn't the reason I ended my relationship, it wasn't sustainable. You have to ask yourself whether you can be happy having a relationship with less sex, since it's unrealistic to expect your girlfriend to change. Most likely, she'll never be enthusiastic about sex if she hasn't been in the first few months of the relationship.
I think you should break up with her. Long distance and no sex? Doesn't sound great does it.
If you really don't want to do this for some reason then you can cheat. Bit risky, immoral but since you are long-distance, it could be pretty easy to get away with.
If you really don't want to do this for some reason then you can cheat. Bit risky, immoral but since you are long-distance, it could be pretty easy to get away with.
Original post by The_Mighty_Bush
I think you should break up with her. Long distance and no sex? Doesn't sound great does it.
If you really don't want to do this for some reason then you can cheat. Bit risky, immoral but since you are long-distance, it could be pretty easy to get away with.
If you really don't want to do this for some reason then you can cheat. Bit risky, immoral but since you are long-distance, it could be pretty easy to get away with.
Yeah it's long distance but whenver we see we still do have sex. She just doesn't like it.. it's like im just using her body to get off and thats it. We are long distance now but soon will be living a lot closer when I finish uni in June.
Original post by OU Student
does she have depression?
Definitely no depression.
This is worth breaking up over in my opinion - you are in your mid 20s and so are probably at least considering the possibility of a long term relationship even if you arent desperately seeking one. Ultimately if she has a low sex drive this isnt going to change, and getting married/having kids/etc with a girl who doesnt have a high sex drive will almost certainly result in you becoming one of those stereotypical married guys who's wife has sex with them once a year at most.
Obviously you probably arent thinking that far ahead, but realistically the relationship doesnt seem to have a future and since you arent getting laid in the short term either, what are you getting out of it exactly?
Basically this is just an enormous red flag however you try and rationalise it. Sexual compatibility is very, very important.
Obviously you probably arent thinking that far ahead, but realistically the relationship doesnt seem to have a future and since you arent getting laid in the short term either, what are you getting out of it exactly?
Basically this is just an enormous red flag however you try and rationalise it. Sexual compatibility is very, very important.
I can speak from the other side here. I have such a low sex drive and I'm not sure if it's my depression/anxiety that's causing it or what. My bf is really understanding - I know most guys would run a mile. Although one time he did ask if I were cheating on him because he couldn't believe someone could go so long without sex (for the record I wouldn't ever dream of cheating). It's now been over 2 months since we last had sex (we live together too) and to be honest I don't miss it. I wish I had a higher libido as this makes me feel abnormal, but this is just how I am which probably isn't helped by my depression and being on the pill.
Just thought I'd write this from another perspective. Your gf is happy cuddling you though so that's a good sign as no affection might not bode so well :/
Just thought I'd write this from another perspective. Your gf is happy cuddling you though so that's a good sign as no affection might not bode so well :/
Talking to her and maybe getting to the bottom of why she might be feeling that way. Being an understanding bf would be a good start and not having a one track mind. For me I feel exactly the same way as her - its not something I have high up on my agenda. I love passion and chemistry as the next person but sometimes the sex part is far from my mind. Hormonally it might be down to it or that you're in a LDR and the chemistry is worsened by distance and consistency. Sorry but if you push her on it she could bolt altogether. Be an open ear to her reasons and understand or be prepared to push away.
I seriously hate girls like that. If they're not interested in sex, then what's their function? What exactly are they good for apart from sex? Very frustrating, just makes me want to pull my hair out and bang my head against a brick wall. I really dislike asexuals!
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