Don't want disabled friend to be bridesmaids as she will ruin the photos

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I thought a wedding was a moment to be enjoyed with loved ones. Not some expensive party where you take photos and show how amazing and "perfect" it was.

Reply 141

stargirl63

Original post by Copperknickers

There wouldn't be a 'situation' if it were any of us. And it is not irrelevant: this is a real event which is going to/has already happened, and had a real world effect on a real person. We are not discussing what we would do, we're discussing what the OP's friend SHOULD do. And children are different because one day they will grow up and be invited to weddings, whereas facial disfigurement is a lifelong condition.

No it isn't. There's nothing whatsoever brave about insulting someone weaker than yourself, it doesn't have any negative effect on you, only on them.

Yes, they would, because like I said, just because someone is disabled it doesn't mean they're stupid.

And you're proud of that? Have you ever thought that maybe, there is a reason why its not socially acceptable to be rude and offensive? Because rude and offensive opinions are bad things? They're bad because they drive you to act in a damaging way towards others. Whether you're shouting and bullying people, or just excluding and snubbing them (the 'socially acceptable' version) it's still selfish and ignorant.

How you can possibly think that 'being socially acceptable' is a justified excuse for treating people like dirt, and then go on to say that you are only being socially acceptable because you 'cba' with the abuse and confrontation that you deserve...

I'm sure you have a lot of 'friends', and you're welcome to them. My guess is they either can't see through your 'socially acceptable' veneer, or they're like you and just don't care about other people.

And why would she fall out with Sophie in particular? She could fall out with any of them! And oh my God, how awful that would be, to be reminded that she was once nice to someone! We wouldn't want that for the poor woman (!)

That makes no sense and you know it. We both know the real reason you sympathise with her over the photo, the below says it all:

Grow up. And believe me, the feelings you get when you look at people with facial disfigurements are nothing compared to the revulsion and disgust we feel for immature spoiled brats who care more about wedding photos than human beings.

Look, I'm fully aware it's not nice. It's rude, horrible, and it's the reason why everything is wrong in society.Perhaps we wouldn't agree on this topic, and I would like to make it very clear that this is not me against disabled people, this is me against doing what I don't want because other people disagree. It would be the same if I had to make my cousin my bridesmaid at my wedding or invite my nan, cause I don't like either of them. For me, this isn't a disability thing - this is the choice to make who you want as your wedding guest or your bridesmaid, whether you feel like the reason is valid or not valid.

I can only speak for myself personally which is - I don't like to be compromised on anything. Much less my one wedding day to spare someone's feelings. I do what I want, when I want...always been like that, always will be.

Friends, boyfriends etc come and go. I'm fully aware of this. So if I'm compromising myself with "I don't want this person as a bridesmaid because of x,y,z" whether other people feel it is valid or not, I really don't care. If they want to fall out with me, again, I won't care. Like I said, friends come and go - if there is an argument or fall out with a friend, I really don't have a problem in not speaking to them again, and befriending someone again within a few days. I remember this happening this time last year, and my original friend got so pissed that she felt "replaced"...I'm sorry, just don't argue with me then. I also don't like the sense of entitlement many people have - just because you're my friend, don't expect me to make you my bridesmaid - just because "you would do that for me" or "the rest of the group are bridesmaids too". If you do something, do it cause you want to, not because yo want a return.

I have always always been one to look after myself. I don't compromise or do anything for anyone else because I would feel bad, I can, it would make them feel better etc - I do it because I want to. If I don't want to, I won't. Simple. Is it selfish that I live for myself - perhaps - but I love my life. Life is too short. I don't have stress, I don't get pissed off because I don't give enough of my effort and time to be sensitive to any situation.

Quite frankly, I was a bridesmaid once last year - and it is stressful and expensive. I would have much rather just been a guest.

That's all I have to say. I couldn't really justify my actions because I'm not in OP's situation, but I understand where this is coming from.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 142

EllieC130

While I understand where the bride's coming from, that's pretty horrible; end of the day though, she's the one risking her friendship with "Sophie". If I were you I'd warn her of this and let her do what she wants. She'll know what she's risking if you warn her. And if she doesn't care, maybe you want to rethink if you want her as a friend.

Reply 143

primocat

Just thinking that this bride must be fairly young or self-centred maybe?

Obviously it will be very unfair to the disabled friend not to be treated in the same way as the other bridesmaids, and despite how the bride puts it, she may guess what is going on and feel upset. Worse still she may find out - gossip has a way of spreading, and you don't know if the bride will mention this to someone less discreet. It would be even more obvious if the bride chooses bridesmaids that are not as close friends as this disabled friend.

Personally I think you should point these issues out to her, and if you are a good friends and she values your judgement, she may listen and realise that she is being too hyper and quite mean to the disabled friend.

Otherwise, you could take a moral stand, but you have to weigh up whether you are happy to lose her friendship over this or not.

I get that some people obsess over their weddings, but they are missing the point that the wedding is first and foremost a celebration of a partnership between two people, and in years to come, with maturity and dose of the real world, she may come to understand this too.

Reply 144

reallydontknow

Original post by Copperknickers

I disagree, it is brave to be open about how you feel. However much I dislike their views, people who are immigrants and ethnic people etc are brave for standing up for what they believe in rather than letting their own beliefs be ignored.

It is the brides choice. Not yours, she has chosen let her choose. The friend is still invited to her wedding just not a bridesmaid, for all we know she might not even be very good friends with Sophie and is only a friend to to their mutual friend.

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Reply 145

TruthPrevails

This is what a lot of women are like on wedding days so selfish. It's my day! forget everyone else.

Reply 146

IanDangerously

With an attitude like that you'd be best sacking off the wedding planning altogether and getting prepared for the eventual divorce.

Reply 147

TenOfThem

No one should presume that they will be asked to be a bridesmaid

People are who they are and some women see their wedding as a showcase

The OP should decide if she wants to continue her friendship with the bride - but it could be that this seems to be out of usual character

If I were the OP I would first make a decision about whether I wanted to continue the friendship

If the answer was yes, because I felt this was out of character, I would point out that I did not like the attitude shown, I would also suggest that it would be better to only have 1 or 2 bridesmaids so that the discrimination were less obvious and I would decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid myself

Either way I would not tell Sophie any of this

Reply 148

MPN

So awful! The wedding is supposed to be about love and not appearances. The bride sounds so nasty and all fake, she sure is a 'keeper', run groom, run fast and far away! I would stick with dear Sophia.