Not sure where I stand in this situation...
Hi,
I've not posted on here before so bare with me as this is long.
I know this girl at my school that I got on with well until quite recently. We were good friends but it very quickly deteriorated.
We started speaking a few months ago but I never got to know her as well as I do until about December. Anyway, she's very flirtatious by nature and can be quite childish in a way. I like her as a friend, however now I struggle to even call her that, I want to but I can't.
Basically she has a best friend who she used to go out with multiple times but now they don't (even though they act like it). This isn't jealousy as such because my problem is not that that like each other, my problem is that they are FAR too clingy around one another.
Whenever and I mean whenever she's talking either to me or someone else and this guy comes, She'll make a bee line for him and sod everything else. Even if I'm in mid conversation she doesn't tell me to go away or anything, but I'm made to feel like that's what I should do.
I find it impossible to be her friend not only because of this though. She also rarely asks anything about me personally and usually only accommodates me in conversations because of convenience.
I've made efforts to get to know her as a friend because I liked her, I even went to her house once. But all this feels like a wasted effort because she does not return any effort herself.
Don't get me wrong she's a nice person, but it got to the point where I would stand there feeling like a bystander. It just got more apparent.
About a week ago I stopped speaking to her gradually and at one point called me over and I deliberately ignored her. She tried contacting me later that day asking what was wrong but still I didn't reply.
I told a few people in school about this and because word travels she heard about it and eventually we briefly discussed it. She does have a very anger issues and she "apologised for being retarded" sarcastically. I never this accusation and she claims she said it to make me happy.
This is where it reached a point where we could no longer go on like this, but she heard me say things about her to someone behind her back and this is the straw that broke camel's back. She caught me, told me about it and almost teared up. Now obviously I don't feel good about this. I never intended this to happen so I went up to her to say "we need to sort this out" and she was just not having it, Which I can understand.
Any input would be helpful thanks.
Ps: I am aware that some of my actions were possibly childish and I accept that.
I've not posted on here before so bare with me as this is long.
I know this girl at my school that I got on with well until quite recently. We were good friends but it very quickly deteriorated.
We started speaking a few months ago but I never got to know her as well as I do until about December. Anyway, she's very flirtatious by nature and can be quite childish in a way. I like her as a friend, however now I struggle to even call her that, I want to but I can't.
Basically she has a best friend who she used to go out with multiple times but now they don't (even though they act like it). This isn't jealousy as such because my problem is not that that like each other, my problem is that they are FAR too clingy around one another.
Whenever and I mean whenever she's talking either to me or someone else and this guy comes, She'll make a bee line for him and sod everything else. Even if I'm in mid conversation she doesn't tell me to go away or anything, but I'm made to feel like that's what I should do.
I find it impossible to be her friend not only because of this though. She also rarely asks anything about me personally and usually only accommodates me in conversations because of convenience.
I've made efforts to get to know her as a friend because I liked her, I even went to her house once. But all this feels like a wasted effort because she does not return any effort herself.
Don't get me wrong she's a nice person, but it got to the point where I would stand there feeling like a bystander. It just got more apparent.
About a week ago I stopped speaking to her gradually and at one point called me over and I deliberately ignored her. She tried contacting me later that day asking what was wrong but still I didn't reply.
I told a few people in school about this and because word travels she heard about it and eventually we briefly discussed it. She does have a very anger issues and she "apologised for being retarded" sarcastically. I never this accusation and she claims she said it to make me happy.
This is where it reached a point where we could no longer go on like this, but she heard me say things about her to someone behind her back and this is the straw that broke camel's back. She caught me, told me about it and almost teared up. Now obviously I don't feel good about this. I never intended this to happen so I went up to her to say "we need to sort this out" and she was just not having it, Which I can understand.
Any input would be helpful thanks.
Ps: I am aware that some of my actions were possibly childish and I accept that.
You are both behaving in a very childish way.
The lesson from the whole saga is that you must both learn to communicate and be aware that your actions have an affect on others.
She must learn that friendship is earned which means not making her friends feel disrespected and worthless by her selfish actions.
You must learn that whatever happened between the two of you should be kept just that: confidential between the two of you. By bad mouthing her behind her back, all you did was seek justification for ignoring her and placing blame which made her feel bad.
BOTH of you must learn to communicate. The other person in any relationship cannot read your mind and petulance will only ever make the problem worse.
I know you think she started the whole series of events, but never mind that, apologise sincerely for your bad behaviour. Tell her you value her friendship and hope that you can resolve this because you don't want to lose her as a friend. Tell her why you value her friendship.
Talk about BOTH of your feelings. Hopefully by disarming her with your apology, she too will see sense and apologise.
Then discuss what you both need to change in your behaviour to make each other's friendship feel appreciated. i.e. not dumping you whenever she feels like, and you not bad mouthing her to alienate others from her. BOTH of you communicating feelings and ditching the petulance.
You can then both go from there.
The lesson from the whole saga is that you must both learn to communicate and be aware that your actions have an affect on others.
She must learn that friendship is earned which means not making her friends feel disrespected and worthless by her selfish actions.
You must learn that whatever happened between the two of you should be kept just that: confidential between the two of you. By bad mouthing her behind her back, all you did was seek justification for ignoring her and placing blame which made her feel bad.
BOTH of you must learn to communicate. The other person in any relationship cannot read your mind and petulance will only ever make the problem worse.
I know you think she started the whole series of events, but never mind that, apologise sincerely for your bad behaviour. Tell her you value her friendship and hope that you can resolve this because you don't want to lose her as a friend. Tell her why you value her friendship.
Talk about BOTH of your feelings. Hopefully by disarming her with your apology, she too will see sense and apologise.
Then discuss what you both need to change in your behaviour to make each other's friendship feel appreciated. i.e. not dumping you whenever she feels like, and you not bad mouthing her to alienate others from her. BOTH of you communicating feelings and ditching the petulance.
You can then both go from there.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by uberteknik
You are both behaving in a very childish way.
The lesson from the whole saga is that you must both learn to communicate and be aware that your actions have an affect on others.
She must learn that friendship is earned which means not making her friends feel disrespected and worthless by her selfish actions.
You must learn that whatever happened between the two of you should be kept just that: confidential between the two of you. By bad mouthing her behind her back, all you did was seek justification for ignoring her and placing blame which made her feel bad.
BOTH of you must learn to communicate. The other person in any relationship cannot read your mind and petulance will only ever make the problem worse.
I know you think she started the whole series of events, but never mind that, apologise sincerely for your bad behaviour. Tell her you value her friendship and hope that you can resolve this because you don't want to lose her as a friend. Tell her why you value her friendship.
Talk about BOTH of your feelings. Hopefully by disarming her with your apology, she too will see sense and apologise.
Then discuss what you both need to change in your behaviour to make each other's friendship feel appreciated. i.e. not dumping you whenever she feels like, and you not bad mouthing her to alienate others from her. BOTH of you communicating feelings and ditching the petulance.
You can then both go from there.
The lesson from the whole saga is that you must both learn to communicate and be aware that your actions have an affect on others.
She must learn that friendship is earned which means not making her friends feel disrespected and worthless by her selfish actions.
You must learn that whatever happened between the two of you should be kept just that: confidential between the two of you. By bad mouthing her behind her back, all you did was seek justification for ignoring her and placing blame which made her feel bad.
BOTH of you must learn to communicate. The other person in any relationship cannot read your mind and petulance will only ever make the problem worse.
I know you think she started the whole series of events, but never mind that, apologise sincerely for your bad behaviour. Tell her you value her friendship and hope that you can resolve this because you don't want to lose her as a friend. Tell her why you value her friendship.
Talk about BOTH of your feelings. Hopefully by disarming her with your apology, she too will see sense and apologise.
Then discuss what you both need to change in your behaviour to make each other's friendship feel appreciated. i.e. not dumping you whenever she feels like, and you not bad mouthing her to alienate others from her. BOTH of you communicating feelings and ditching the petulance.
You can then both go from there.
I've decided to give her space over the half term, but I think this is the logical answer. But if nothing else I'd like to reach neutral ground so we're not constantly at one another.
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