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Did I expect too much of her?
So I've been with my girlfriend for just under 3 years. We are both at university studying physics. I have been under immense pressure as of early November to redo a failed report. The repercussions of me failing again, after a three month deadline, mean I would have to leave my course. In the past I have had problems with my supervisors and it came to light previously that they had wanted to get rid of me and that this would be the only opportunity for them to do so. Hence the considerable pressure I was under. Despite this I made sure to spend time with my gf at least 1/2 times a week, although not always quality time.
When it came to Christmas we did spend a lot more time together for Christmas shopping and to see the lights etc. But i was always a little on edge I guess due to having work on my mind. In a normal situation we spend at least one day a weekend together, though during this period I wanted to focus fully on my report in order to ensure a pass and so we didn't spend any time together over the weekends.
Come New Year and having spent a little more time with her though not much more than recent weeks I agreed to spend a Sunday with her but on the condition we could spend it studying at her university. In the past we have done this when one of us has studying to do. Normally my gf spends her time in labs and when I come to her university to do work I sit in a computer room and wait for her. When there I can't go to the toilet as I don't have access cards to leave and enter the computer rooms.
Come the following Sunday we were on the phone in the morning to organise what time we meet at her uni. I wanted to check that she would be spending time with me and not in lab seeing as she was only coming to spend time with me. She said she would come but that she would be in the labs as she couldn't do work unless she was in labs. I said I would go to my uni then and work there where I have my own computer, desk, drawers, kitchen, books/papers, food, access to toilet and other amenities, none of which I have at hers. She then started moaning about how I promised to spend time at her university. I said there's no point if she was going to be in labs. We debated this til I agreed to go to hers and she agreed to not be in the labs.
So later we get to her university, bear in mind this is now fast approaching the deadline for my last chance report. We enter her open plan office and there were some undergraduates working a few desks over from us. I started chatting as we got in and she told me to shush as people were working. So we sat down and did some work. She decided to put her headphones in and listen to music. As a result I definitely couldn't talk to her. On the few occasions I did try to talk or mess around a little she told me off for disturbing her and to let her work (bear in mind she only came to uni to spend time with me). The only times I could disturb her was to ask for her card so I could use the toilet.
Hours later when we were leaving I suggested we go for a little walk, seeing as we hadn't been going for our walks for a few months. A few minutes after leaving she realised she had forgotten her phone, something that frequently happens due to her being disorganised, something I have mentioned to her before. This time I made sure to just make a light joke about it and not moan. So we went back to her uni and I waited outside for her in the rain and cold. Once finding it we went on our way and had a little walk. My intentions were to go for a walk then go home and I'd do some studying.
As we were walking I realised I didn't have my watch on, I assumed I left it at home. After walking for about 30/40 minutes, it now being 8pmish, I suggested we go for a meal. After 2 hours and an expensive but worthy meal (I paid) we made our way home.
The next morning I realised I couldn't find my watch and that I may have left it at her uni. I texted her about 10.40am while she was on her way in, to check for my watch once she was in. I hoped that she would as she arrived as the toilets are about 20 metres from her seat. About 11.05 she texted me to say it was not on her desk, I texted back to ask if she had checked the toilets (not herself but asking someone to check for her). She replied that she hadn't, I texted back to ask why she hadn't done so yet, thinking someone would have the opportunity to find and take the watch.
She replied to me about 15minutes later to say she would check the lost property soon, I again asked if she had checked the toilets, she replied and said no and asked if I realised that she had work to do. At this point I got very angry thinking she was avoiding asking someone to check the toilets, as in general she doesn't like asking people things. In my anger I asked if she was purposely being stupid and wanted my watch to be lost. Again she replied that she would check the lost property soon. At this point I totally lost it and sent some angry messages to her about how she owed it to me to find my watch after all I did last night, to which she did not reply. Few hours later she texted me to say the watch was not in the lost property. At this point I had calmed down but decided to ignore her as the watch was clearly gone by now.
We ended up not speaking for about 5 days (she tried calling me that night but I ignored her) and didn't see each other for 2.5 weeks, largely down to my work. When we spoke about it she advised me the reason she didn't check the toilets first is because they are cleaned at 6am normally and so she expected the watch to be handed in to lost property. Then she informed me that she had a deadline for some work that morning, but I didn't really care about that as I expected her to check the toilets first thing, even if she assumed they would be cleaned. I have let her know that in a relationship I would expect my partner to go out of her way in such a situation, which I believe she did not. I have also said that even if I wasn't her bf, as a person who went out of his way for her that night, she owed me. She disagrees. We have both calmed down since and I have forgiven her but occasionally it comes up and she still believes I am wrong in expecting her to stop what she is doing a help, and she says her girls agree with her and I was overreacting.
Hence, my question to you all is, who is correct in their expectations? Sorry for the long text!
When it came to Christmas we did spend a lot more time together for Christmas shopping and to see the lights etc. But i was always a little on edge I guess due to having work on my mind. In a normal situation we spend at least one day a weekend together, though during this period I wanted to focus fully on my report in order to ensure a pass and so we didn't spend any time together over the weekends.
Come New Year and having spent a little more time with her though not much more than recent weeks I agreed to spend a Sunday with her but on the condition we could spend it studying at her university. In the past we have done this when one of us has studying to do. Normally my gf spends her time in labs and when I come to her university to do work I sit in a computer room and wait for her. When there I can't go to the toilet as I don't have access cards to leave and enter the computer rooms.
Come the following Sunday we were on the phone in the morning to organise what time we meet at her uni. I wanted to check that she would be spending time with me and not in lab seeing as she was only coming to spend time with me. She said she would come but that she would be in the labs as she couldn't do work unless she was in labs. I said I would go to my uni then and work there where I have my own computer, desk, drawers, kitchen, books/papers, food, access to toilet and other amenities, none of which I have at hers. She then started moaning about how I promised to spend time at her university. I said there's no point if she was going to be in labs. We debated this til I agreed to go to hers and she agreed to not be in the labs.
So later we get to her university, bear in mind this is now fast approaching the deadline for my last chance report. We enter her open plan office and there were some undergraduates working a few desks over from us. I started chatting as we got in and she told me to shush as people were working. So we sat down and did some work. She decided to put her headphones in and listen to music. As a result I definitely couldn't talk to her. On the few occasions I did try to talk or mess around a little she told me off for disturbing her and to let her work (bear in mind she only came to uni to spend time with me). The only times I could disturb her was to ask for her card so I could use the toilet.
Hours later when we were leaving I suggested we go for a little walk, seeing as we hadn't been going for our walks for a few months. A few minutes after leaving she realised she had forgotten her phone, something that frequently happens due to her being disorganised, something I have mentioned to her before. This time I made sure to just make a light joke about it and not moan. So we went back to her uni and I waited outside for her in the rain and cold. Once finding it we went on our way and had a little walk. My intentions were to go for a walk then go home and I'd do some studying.
As we were walking I realised I didn't have my watch on, I assumed I left it at home. After walking for about 30/40 minutes, it now being 8pmish, I suggested we go for a meal. After 2 hours and an expensive but worthy meal (I paid) we made our way home.
The next morning I realised I couldn't find my watch and that I may have left it at her uni. I texted her about 10.40am while she was on her way in, to check for my watch once she was in. I hoped that she would as she arrived as the toilets are about 20 metres from her seat. About 11.05 she texted me to say it was not on her desk, I texted back to ask if she had checked the toilets (not herself but asking someone to check for her). She replied that she hadn't, I texted back to ask why she hadn't done so yet, thinking someone would have the opportunity to find and take the watch.
She replied to me about 15minutes later to say she would check the lost property soon, I again asked if she had checked the toilets, she replied and said no and asked if I realised that she had work to do. At this point I got very angry thinking she was avoiding asking someone to check the toilets, as in general she doesn't like asking people things. In my anger I asked if she was purposely being stupid and wanted my watch to be lost. Again she replied that she would check the lost property soon. At this point I totally lost it and sent some angry messages to her about how she owed it to me to find my watch after all I did last night, to which she did not reply. Few hours later she texted me to say the watch was not in the lost property. At this point I had calmed down but decided to ignore her as the watch was clearly gone by now.
We ended up not speaking for about 5 days (she tried calling me that night but I ignored her) and didn't see each other for 2.5 weeks, largely down to my work. When we spoke about it she advised me the reason she didn't check the toilets first is because they are cleaned at 6am normally and so she expected the watch to be handed in to lost property. Then she informed me that she had a deadline for some work that morning, but I didn't really care about that as I expected her to check the toilets first thing, even if she assumed they would be cleaned. I have let her know that in a relationship I would expect my partner to go out of her way in such a situation, which I believe she did not. I have also said that even if I wasn't her bf, as a person who went out of his way for her that night, she owed me. She disagrees. We have both calmed down since and I have forgiven her but occasionally it comes up and she still believes I am wrong in expecting her to stop what she is doing a help, and she says her girls agree with her and I was overreacting.
Hence, my question to you all is, who is correct in their expectations? Sorry for the long text!
(edited 9 years ago)
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Oh my days that was long...
If that is an accurate reflection then of course you're right and I think you know that...especially after what you'd already done for her I.e going to her uni, paying etc
She sounds a little selfish IMHO
Posted from TSR Mobile
If that is an accurate reflection then of course you're right and I think you know that...especially after what you'd already done for her I.e going to her uni, paying etc
She sounds a little selfish IMHO
Posted from TSR Mobile
To be honest, it's not a trade-off. You going out of your way to go to her university and paying for dinner, doesn't mean she "owes" you something, or is that actually how your relationship works? I do however think, it would be the decent thing for her to do, and try her utmost to do that for you and help you out on that occasion. (Even if she had been at your university, and had paid for your dinner.) That being said, it doesn't sound that unreasonable she didn't ask someone to check the toilet? Considering the cleaners were definitely going to be there between one day and the next, I don't think checking would really do any good? 
(edited 9 years ago)
Remind me, who was the one who lost the watch?
Original post by C_tinie_D
Can someone please summarise? Or have the blurb for this?
Guy has a big assignment that if he doesn't do he'll get kicked out.
Guy goes to girlfriend's uni to visit her.
She's doing work and he goes to toilet.
They go for walk, she realises she left her phone behind, goes back to collect it.
Guy then realises he doesn't have his watch on him.
They go for dinner, guy pays.
Later he can't find watch so asks girl to look for him.
She checks where she was working and says she'll check lost property later.
Guy asks her to check toilet.
She says she'll check lost property.
Guy gets pissy and sends angry messages to her.
They don't talk for a while.
That's how I interpreted it.
Original post by Kool_Panda
Guy has a big assignment that if he doesn't do he'll get kicked out.
Guy goes to girlfriend's uni to visit her.
She's doing work and he goes to toilet.
They go for walk, she realises she left her phone behind, goes back to collect it.
Guy then realises he doesn't have his watch on him.
They go for dinner, guy pays.
Later he can't find watch so asks girl to look for him.
She checks where she was working and says she'll check lost property later.
Guy asks her to check toilet.
She says she'll check lost property.
Guy gets pissy and sends angry messages to her.
They don't talk for a while.
That's how I interpreted it.
Guy goes to girlfriend's uni to visit her.
She's doing work and he goes to toilet.
They go for walk, she realises she left her phone behind, goes back to collect it.
Guy then realises he doesn't have his watch on him.
They go for dinner, guy pays.
Later he can't find watch so asks girl to look for him.
She checks where she was working and says she'll check lost property later.
Guy asks her to check toilet.
She says she'll check lost property.
Guy gets pissy and sends angry messages to her.
They don't talk for a while.
That's how I interpreted it.
Thanks for that.
I still don't know what to vote...
I don't think she necessarily owes you anything in looking for the watch, however if you're in a relationship with someone you care about them and their happiness, and therefore would surely try to do something to alleviate their angst, especially something as minor as that.
I think she should have checked, really. But it's not a big deal and you shouldn't let it ruin your relationship.
I think she should have checked, really. But it's not a big deal and you shouldn't let it ruin your relationship.
Being the person this refers to (cringe) I don't think this is completely accurate at all... as normally a one sided story isn't.
MY bf was under a lot of stress and all and I felt neglected during the last few months. ( he even said I couldn't talk to him about my work because it was pollution to his mind ). I'd dealt with outbursts and stress and honestly didn't think he was being correct overall. Anyhow I endured it for a while and I guess I snapped that day... We are both doing out doctorate and just like him I was stressed also (different levels I agree).
He did come to my university that sunday, I didn't want to come in but if it meant meeting up I was up for it. I thought the whole reason of him coming was so that we could both do work, Im an experimentalist so most of my work is done in the lab and he is a theoretician... anyway turns out I couldn't go to the lab, which I was eventually ok with compromising even though that meant the journey to mine wasn't so useful. Anyway we were a bit moody with each other during the day...
He is right I'm disorganised leave things behind... inevitably i left my phone on my desk and he kindly came back to get it without sparing a "nice" speech about how useless I was with my stuff.
Anyway we went for dinner and it was nice (non moody) he did pay (not sure the relevancy it kinda make it look like I don't pay which is untrue ). He didn't want to come for dinner really so it was nice of him to come.
He realised he'd left his watch at my uni when he got home... he didn't tell me until the next morning, would have tried to get in early before anyone was in, instead aimed to go in for my meeting, which I was inevitably late to due to transport issue and a not working alarm. But the time I got in I was sure that the watch wouldn't be in the toilets (11am) someone cleaners/ students would have taken it, so I looked around my desk area. I had commitments that morning and due to the low probability coupled with my annoyance at the speech and in general for the way he put his work miles above me I didnt check the toilets.
As soon as i finished with the meeting I went to lost property (30min after arrival) and I asked some random students to look for the watch in the toilets. He was not satisfied and considered that I had just alerted random people to a lost watch they could steal... He carried on calling me names until lunch time and we hardly spoke for 2 weeks.
I didn't understand why he was so eager to make me stop my work and commitments for a negligible probability that his watch was still in the toilet...
He still think I owe him because he met up with me the day before, as he says he went out of his way for me. Well tbh meeting up with me in any circumstance was out of his way, I was a chore to him during months...
I'm not saying I shouldn't have looked immediately, but given the conditions I think he made a bigger deal about this than necessary.
It's made me sad that we can't reach a consensus about this and it really is affecting our relationship even though his stress is over... He cannot empathise with my reasons and truly believes I was in debt to him.
MY bf was under a lot of stress and all and I felt neglected during the last few months. ( he even said I couldn't talk to him about my work because it was pollution to his mind ). I'd dealt with outbursts and stress and honestly didn't think he was being correct overall. Anyhow I endured it for a while and I guess I snapped that day... We are both doing out doctorate and just like him I was stressed also (different levels I agree).
He did come to my university that sunday, I didn't want to come in but if it meant meeting up I was up for it. I thought the whole reason of him coming was so that we could both do work, Im an experimentalist so most of my work is done in the lab and he is a theoretician... anyway turns out I couldn't go to the lab, which I was eventually ok with compromising even though that meant the journey to mine wasn't so useful. Anyway we were a bit moody with each other during the day...
He is right I'm disorganised leave things behind... inevitably i left my phone on my desk and he kindly came back to get it without sparing a "nice" speech about how useless I was with my stuff.
Anyway we went for dinner and it was nice (non moody) he did pay (not sure the relevancy it kinda make it look like I don't pay which is untrue ). He didn't want to come for dinner really so it was nice of him to come.
He realised he'd left his watch at my uni when he got home... he didn't tell me until the next morning, would have tried to get in early before anyone was in, instead aimed to go in for my meeting, which I was inevitably late to due to transport issue and a not working alarm. But the time I got in I was sure that the watch wouldn't be in the toilets (11am) someone cleaners/ students would have taken it, so I looked around my desk area. I had commitments that morning and due to the low probability coupled with my annoyance at the speech and in general for the way he put his work miles above me I didnt check the toilets.
As soon as i finished with the meeting I went to lost property (30min after arrival) and I asked some random students to look for the watch in the toilets. He was not satisfied and considered that I had just alerted random people to a lost watch they could steal... He carried on calling me names until lunch time and we hardly spoke for 2 weeks.
I didn't understand why he was so eager to make me stop my work and commitments for a negligible probability that his watch was still in the toilet...
He still think I owe him because he met up with me the day before, as he says he went out of his way for me. Well tbh meeting up with me in any circumstance was out of his way, I was a chore to him during months...
I'm not saying I shouldn't have looked immediately, but given the conditions I think he made a bigger deal about this than necessary.
It's made me sad that we can't reach a consensus about this and it really is affecting our relationship even though his stress is over... He cannot empathise with my reasons and truly believes I was in debt to him.
It's not her fault that you failed the report, you need to manage your time better and you don't see her much anyway so it's hardly her fault. I know you didn't explicitly say this but you're making it out like you've gone over and above by seeing her that day, when really if she was working hard couldn't you have been working on the report then anyway?
About the actual watch thing yeah she could've asked someone to look but if you were sending me abusive texts I would've turned my phone off and flat out ignored you. If she knows the cleaners had been the chance it was there was low and calling her names isn't going to make her want to help you.
Overall the fact you feel she 'owes' it to you to go and look because you paid for a meal or whatever indicates you have a strange and pretty unhealthy attitude towards your relationship, ask yourself would you be less annoyed that she didn't look if you hadn't spent the evening with her and paid for the meal? Wouldn't you still be annoyed anyway?
About the actual watch thing yeah she could've asked someone to look but if you were sending me abusive texts I would've turned my phone off and flat out ignored you. If she knows the cleaners had been the chance it was there was low and calling her names isn't going to make her want to help you.
Overall the fact you feel she 'owes' it to you to go and look because you paid for a meal or whatever indicates you have a strange and pretty unhealthy attitude towards your relationship, ask yourself would you be less annoyed that she didn't look if you hadn't spent the evening with her and paid for the meal? Wouldn't you still be annoyed anyway?
Relationships should be based on love first and foremost. She didn't owe it to you but I would have asked someone to look
Original post by brocq_18
She replied to me about 15minutes later to say she would check the lost property soon, I again asked if she had checked the toilets, she replied and said no and asked if I realised that she had work to do. At this point I got very angry thinking she was avoiding asking someone to check the toilets, as in general she doesn't like asking people things. In my anger I asked if she was purposely being stupid and wanted my watch to be lost. Again she replied that she would check the lost property soon. At this point I totally lost it and sent some angry messages to her about how she owed it to me to find my watch after all I did last night, to which she did not reply. Few hours later she texted me to say the watch was not in the lost property. At this point I had calmed down but decided to ignore her as the watch was clearly gone by now.
We ended up not speaking for about 5 days (she tried calling me that night but I ignored her) and didn't see each other for 2.5 weeks, largely down to my work. When we spoke about it she advised me the reason she didn't check the toilets first is because they are cleaned at 6am normally and so she expected the watch to be handed in to lost property. Then she informed me that she had a deadline for some work that morning, but I didn't really care about that as I expected her to check the toilets first thing, even if she assumed they would be cleaned. I have let her know that in a relationship I would expect my partner to go out of her way in such a situation, which I believe she did not. I have also said that even if I wasn't her bf, as a person who went out of his way for her that night, she owed me. She disagrees.
She replied to me about 15minutes later to say she would check the lost property soon, I again asked if she had checked the toilets, she replied and said no and asked if I realised that she had work to do. At this point I got very angry thinking she was avoiding asking someone to check the toilets, as in general she doesn't like asking people things. In my anger I asked if she was purposely being stupid and wanted my watch to be lost. Again she replied that she would check the lost property soon. At this point I totally lost it and sent some angry messages to her about how she owed it to me to find my watch after all I did last night, to which she did not reply. Few hours later she texted me to say the watch was not in the lost property. At this point I had calmed down but decided to ignore her as the watch was clearly gone by now.
We ended up not speaking for about 5 days (she tried calling me that night but I ignored her) and didn't see each other for 2.5 weeks, largely down to my work. When we spoke about it she advised me the reason she didn't check the toilets first is because they are cleaned at 6am normally and so she expected the watch to be handed in to lost property. Then she informed me that she had a deadline for some work that morning, but I didn't really care about that as I expected her to check the toilets first thing, even if she assumed they would be cleaned. I have let her know that in a relationship I would expect my partner to go out of her way in such a situation, which I believe she did not. I have also said that even if I wasn't her bf, as a person who went out of his way for her that night, she owed me. She disagrees.
I've highlighted the bits that are potentially problematic. Losing it and then ignoring her for 5 days is ridiculous, how much was that watch worth?
You are right, it wasn't her fault I failed. If she was working hard then what was the point of me going to see her? I don't think you read my original post. I had no computer, no books, no papers, none of my facilities which I have at my uni, I cannot even go to the toilet without her if I'm at hers.....hence the "over and above" thing. If I am at hers I cannot study fully. have nothing there.
Perhaps everyone is totally misunderstanding me paying for the meal thing. The point I was making about all of this is I went out of my way to spend time with her, she knows I don't have any facilities when I go there, and yet she ignored me once we got there, told me off for talking to her, then I make time to go back and wait for her phone then we go for a walk, then we go for a meal. I could have said no that morning and gone my uni and been much more productive. Hence I feel she owed it to me to look.
I think some of you are being influenced by us being in a relationship. Imagine I was a colleague of hers and everything else was the same. Would you feel she owed this colleague to double check for the watch regardless of cleaners. The toilets are v close...
Perhaps everyone is totally misunderstanding me paying for the meal thing. The point I was making about all of this is I went out of my way to spend time with her, she knows I don't have any facilities when I go there, and yet she ignored me once we got there, told me off for talking to her, then I make time to go back and wait for her phone then we go for a walk, then we go for a meal. I could have said no that morning and gone my uni and been much more productive. Hence I feel she owed it to me to look.
I think some of you are being influenced by us being in a relationship. Imagine I was a colleague of hers and everything else was the same. Would you feel she owed this colleague to double check for the watch regardless of cleaners. The toilets are v close...
Original post by Retired_Messiah
I've highlighted the bits that are potentially problematic. Losing it and then ignoring her for 5 days is ridiculous, how much was that watch worth?
Fiscally: £500, otherwise someone special gave it to me.
OP, she doesn't owe you anything. It's just a watch!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by HotCoco.
If you do acts of kindness like going to see her, or paying for dinner, then you yourself are offering. She didn't force you. She owes you nothing and you shouldn't expect a transaction as such.
Would you not expect your partnet to go out of their way for you. Or is it just every man for themself?
Original post by carasezmoo
OP, she doesn't owe you anything. It's just a watch!
Someone special gave it to me...the item is not important, it's the context. She is my partner but couldn't/wouldn't go 20 metres for me.
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