The Student Room Group

My friend has HIV

My friend has HIV. She's in lower sixth form and doing her AS Levels so she's getting on a bit now. She didn't get it through sex or anything like that. She was born with it, and contracted it from her mother. Growing up I just thought she was sick due to other things never HIV. She's always taken a mixture of pills every day and has a big bag of medicine bottles. Now you've got the backstory...

She's been having sex since about July with a guy she is on and off with, with a condom however. I recently told her that I was on the pill because I'm sexually active too but don't have any infections and neither does my partner. She asked me where to get the pill because she didn't like the feel of condoms and I was reluctant to tell her given her status (she doesn't know I know, I found out through her family). I'm not actually sure her parents disclosed this information to her properly about being HIV positive and what she can and cannot do. I understand she can practise safe sex but I don't believe she can have sex without a condom, right?

I'm in a dilemma, should I tell her it seems like a horrible idea to stop using condoms because of her condition and let her know that I know. I can't just tell her it's a bad idea to stop using condoms without seeming like a hypocrite if I don't use them all the time myself. I just really want to stop her from getting herself in trouble because she passed it to this other guy who will not shy away from telling everyone...:confused:
FWIW, the chance of her passing on her illness, assuming she's been taking her medication every day without fail, is pretty damn close to zero.

However I'd probably just stay out of this one...just tell her you got the pill online or something. Be fuzzy about the details. Say you don't remember the specific website.
Tell her to go to her GP
You're giving her correct information, but her GP will have her medical history on file so will be able to give her the talk about her HIV status and the risks of by not using protection.
Viral load plays a huge part in this so it is likely that if she has been on medication successfully it may be low enough that she can have unprotected sex. However she should see her doctor for their opinion before doing so and tell her partner of her HIV status so they are aware of the risk.
Very bold claims above.
There is NO way that anyone should be advising her that it's probably ok to have unprotected sex with HIV. The legal ramifications are huge. The only way this should happen is if her and her boyfriend sit down with her ID dr and they are both properly informed of the risks for them in the situation that they are in. Yes the risk is low with a low viral load - but nobody here knows her viral load, and a low risk of passing on a life long condition with huge ramifications - health wise, insurance, socially - is still a pretty big ****ing deal.
If what you see is combination therapy, her viral load probably is low enough that any partner is not at risk, but only her specialist will be able to say.

Given that you've not run away screaming despite knowing she has HIV, you're probably in a position to say that you know, and ask if the boyfriend knows. If he does, it officially becomes None Of Your Business what they choose to do: they're both making an informed choice and there are no 'legal ramifications'.

If he doesn't, you can advise that she work out if and how to tell him. If she doesn't and decides to have sex without condoms with him anyway, then she can be at risk: legally in the very unlikely event that he gets infected, and - sadly - personally. Not everyone who discovers afterwards rather than before sex can take it well. If he's the sort..

who will not shy away from telling everyone...


.. then it may well be that condoms are the price of continuing to shag him.

I love the way that being in year 12 is 'getting on a bit'! Given that she is receiving proper medical treatment, her life expectancy is going to be about the same as yours, and it probably won't be HIV that kills her.
Reply 6
Nobody knows apart from family, I've known her long enough to consider her to be like family which is why I care so much. I'm 100% sure she has no intentions on telling this guy that she is on and off with about her status. She also has started dating in the periods that they are off and she does consider having sex with them. I just want to protect her because I understand the stigma attached to her condition. People that don't understand it won't be as willing to talk about it, especially this guy she is on and off with
Reply 7
Original post by unprinted
If what you see is combination therapy, her viral load probably is low enough that any partner is not at risk, but only her specialist will be able to say.

Given that you've not run away screaming despite knowing she has HIV, you're probably in a position to say that you know, and ask if the boyfriend knows. If he does, it officially becomes None Of Your Business what they choose to do: they're both making an informed choice and there are no 'legal ramifications'.

If he doesn't, you can advise that she work out if and how to tell him. If she doesn't and decides to have sex without condoms with him anyway, then she can be at risk: legally in the very unlikely event that he gets infected, and - sadly - personally. Not everyone who discovers afterwards rather than before sex can take it well. If he's the sort..



.. then it may well be that condoms are the price of continuing to shag him.

I love the way that being in year 12 is 'getting on a bit'! Given that she is receiving proper medical treatment, her life expectancy is going to be about the same as yours, and it probably won't be HIV that kills her.


When I say getting on a bit, I don't mean she's old. I mean that she's had the virus for a long while now compared to a newly infected person
Shes having sex with her boyfriend without him knowing she has HIV? And wants to with other people? Now that really does have huge 'legal ramifications' if anything happens. Condom or no condom.

Further, if she chooses to have sex without a condom I understand that it is the duty of the doctor to inform her sexual partners, breaking consent, if she won't.

Yes, having an undetectable viral load makes transmission low-negligible, but even in people who take their anti-virals on a perfect daily basis your viral load can increase rapidly before you have another check and you will not know until you've been to your next appointment up to a year down the line. You cannot have protected or unprotected sex without informing partners (morally, and also legally if they catch it or find out) - most doctors would probably consider the risk of protected sex low enough to not break confidence, but they would probably consider the risk of unprotected sex with multiple uninformed people high enough to break confidence.
Reply 9
Original post by jibjobbing
Shes having sex with her boyfriend without him knowing she has HIV? And wants to with other people? Now that really does have huge 'legal ramifications' if anything happens. Condom or no condom.

Further, if she chooses to have sex without a condom I understand that it is the duty of the doctor to inform her sexual partners, breaking consent, if she won't.

Yes, having an undetectable viral load makes transmission low-negligible, but even in people who take their anti-virals on a perfect daily basis your viral load can increase rapidly before you have another check and you will not know until you've been to your next appointment up to a year down the line. You cannot have protected or unprotected sex without informing partners (morally, and also legally if they catch it or find out) - most doctors would probably consider the risk of protected sex low enough to not break confidence, but they would probably consider the risk of unprotected sex with multiple uninformed people high enough to break confidence.


I really don't want her to go through with her ideas. I think I'm gonna have to tell her I know to give her the advice.
Original post by jibjobbing
Shes having sex with her boyfriend without him knowing she has HIV? And wants to with other people? Now that really does have huge 'legal ramifications' if anything happens. Condom or no condom.

Further, if she chooses to have sex without a condom I understand that it is the duty of the doctor to inform her sexual partners, breaking consent, if she won't.


I am not HIV+, but I understand why some people who are do not want to disclose: you can't un-'come out' and you lose all control over what is enormously sensitive information.

In England & Wales at least, there are no legal ramifications if HIV transmission does not, in fact, happen. (I think there's been one case in Scotland where some whiny person's complaint that they didn't get HIV when they had sex without a condom with someone who was HIV+ lead to a prosecution. Memory is telling me that they caught something else.)

The highly controversial offence in England & Wales involves being 'reckless'. Disclosure is a defence: if someone knows you are HIV+ and chooses to have unprotected sex with you anyway and is unlucky enough to be infected, it's sad but it's not an offence. It is extremely likely that disclosure is not necessary if you use condoms: you're not being reckless.

I suspect the same would apply for someone on combination therapy and told by their specialist that they have an undectable viral load, but as there's unlikely to be any HIV transmission, we're unlikely to find out. It'll probably depend on what the specialist said about the risks.

I would be appalled if any doctor were to break confidentiality around this. I would not be utterly amazed if one has, but I very much doubt that it is their 'duty'. Especially if they are responsible for the HIV treatment.

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