The Student Room Group

Should i leave my bf?

I've been going out with my bf for nearly 2 years, he's a lovely guy, kind and loyal and I know he cares for me. However, for the past 6 months i just haven't felt attracted to him physically even though i love him a lot. I don't enjoy having sex with him because of this (we were both virgins before we met, and i think i still might be cos he can't seem to penetrate me). Now i'm at uni, i find myself attracted to another guy who is the total opposite of my bf (not very nice, but very attractive) i know he's not interested so he's hardly worth throwing my relationship away over, but is this a sign i should break up with my bf? I'm afraid of losing him as a friend :frown: any advice would be appreciated.

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don't break up with your bf cos of bad sex - tell him what hes doing wrong and make it better.
if the other guys not nice then really its just gonna be sex isnt it, not a proper relationship
Reply 2
Wow, my friend is in the exact same situation as you..

I just said to her, ignore the fact that you've been together for so long. If this was a boy you'd been with for 2 months and things were going like they were, would you still be with him?
I don't think you should stay in the relationship just for the sake of it.
My friend also met another boy, and he is a travelling actor, so she knew that they'd never be in a relationship.
Nevertheless, she dumped her boyfriend of over 2 years. Should have seen her, she was devastated..still loved him etc. But it just wasn't going anywhere anymore. She loves being single now..

I don't know you two personally so I can't say what's best for you, but it's not fair on him if you leave it to the stage where you can't stand the sight of your boyfriend before finishing him..
As for staying friends? Depends how mature he is..
Reply 3
(IMO) you should break up with him and (IMO) you should just move on. Since you dont enjoy sex with him and are not with him. You should move on (IMO).. go for someone you actually are attracted to. It is life! (IMO)
Reply 4
oo so hang on, you're not attracted to him anymore, ergo you don't enjoy sex.. or you don't enjoy sex, ergo you're not attracted to him..?
Reply 5
hell go for it, you only live once
Reply 6
There is more to love then sex!
Reply 7
Well if its just the sex, maybe you can work on it. If its that you don't really find him attractive and you maybe didn't get into the relationship for the right reasons to start with, you might be wise to end it.
Reply 8
Your bf sounds like a "nice guy", your just bored, go out and live alittle!
Maybe you two just need to talk, tell him you are bored but maybe you can do some things to put the spark back in the relationship, every relationship has a bad patch. However should you decide to dump your boyfriend, don't go with this other guy.
Reply 10
Has anyone else noticed a trend here... a LOT of threads on this forum about people having r'ship problems and they've been together 2 years. I remember reading an article (or perhaps it was here) about the level of physical attraction between a couple, and how there is a hormone that will kick about in larger quantities for up to 2 years which contributes to a decline in the physical attraction after that (18 months - 2 years) And you don't feel butterflies every time you see them, it's just not exciting, it's not crushy lovey dovey etc.
I'm going to find that article/website again and post a link.

OP I have a question for you. When/if you get married, you will undoubtedly get bored at times and not feel attracted to your husband. Would you start considering divorce?

BharJ: 'live a little'. Does this entail changing partners every two years for the rest of your life? Or just whenever you get bored?

Rattata
(IMO) you should break up with him and (IMO) you should just move on. Since you dont enjoy sex with him and are not with him. You should move on (IMO).. go for someone you actually are attracted to. It is life! (IMO)


She was initially attracted to her boyfriend. So someone else she's attracted to, will she have to break up with them after 2 years when she's not attracted anymore? And find someone else attractive? Continue searching for attractive people all her life?
If sex with your wife/husband got boring after a while, would you get a divorce? Or would you see why it was getting so boring and then make it un-boring?

OP, it is natural and normal to not be as attracted to a partner as much as you initially were. You would never be able to sustain that initial attraction all your life with a partner. So it is inevitable that at some point there has to be more than that and attraction will not come as easily as it did when you first got together. Work on it, get that spark back. Don't base your relationship on something as temporary as that kind of attraction. It won't ever last more than a few years. There is more to relationships than attraction/sex, although attraction and sex are important too.
I would expect you have pretty good communication with your bf by now, so why not talk about your sex life?



If someone has a debt problem, do they run away? Yes they could, but the better thing to do would be to think it through, talk with concerned companies solve it. If someone has a problem at work, do they resign? Yes they could, but the better thing to do would be to talk to someone and solve it.
Problems are made for solving, not for running away from.
My point: Breaking up IS NOT the solution to every relationship problem.
I think that is really well said, rep for that.
Reply 12
thanks for the advice everyone. tbh, i know deep down that i don't even want to go out with this other guy, i'd rather just get off with him, and that's not going to happen anyway. It's just a symptom of the bigger probs in my relationship. I've tried to talk to my bf/tell him what's going wrong/put the 'spark' back in loads of times but i just don't think we're right together. I'm frightened of the devastation it will cause to both of us to end it though. I can't imagine my life without him :frown:
zain88
Has anyone else noticed a trend here... a LOT of threads on this forum about people having r'ship problems and they've been together 2 years.


my personal experience confirms this :smile:

but to anyone under the age of 35 i would say "do what you feel you want, not what you feel you ought to"

IMO
:smile:
Reply 14
kemiandtheboy
my personal experience confirms this :smile:

but to anyone under the age of 35 i would say "do what you feel you want, not what you feel you ought to"

IMO
:smile:


I could feel like killing people I hate... I could feel like spending ALL my money at once... I could feel like cheating on my bf... I could feel like eating a jar of mayonnaise... I could feel like doing a million things but I ought not to. You can't spend 35 years of your life 'doing what you feel like'. How do you imagine 6+ billion people would live in this world all 'doing what they feel like'?
within the context of this thread, love.

broadening the scope, i assume each of us has some sort of morals. i draw the line at killing/raping/sending others to their death. the world is full of people who do not limit themselves thus. how you justify your actions to yourself (or others) does not change what you do or why.
Experiment with the Karma Sutra, or any other sex book. If that doesn't help your sex life them I'm out of suggestions. Seems a stupid reason to call it quits on a realtionship, as a poor sex life can be sorted out.
zain88
You can't spend 35 years of your life 'doing what you feel like'. How do you imagine 6+ billion people would live in this world all 'doing what they feel like'?


Taking it out of context, somewhat.

While I'm all for working through relationship problems rather than running away from them, if they have only been together two years and she feels like it isn't working then I think that's a pretty good indicator that it's not ever going to be a really long term thing.
Reply 18
zain88
Has anyone else noticed a trend here... a LOT of threads on this forum about people having r'ship problems and they've been together 2 years. I remember reading an article (or perhaps it was here) about the level of physical attraction between a couple, and how there is a hormone that will kick about in larger quantities for up to 2 years which contributes to a decline in the physical attraction after that (18 months - 2 years) And you don't feel butterflies every time you see them, it's just not exciting, it's not crushy lovey dovey etc.
I'm going to find that article/website again and post a link.

OP I have a question for you. When/if you get married, you will undoubtedly get bored at times and not feel attracted to your husband. Would you start considering divorce?

BharJ: 'live a little'. Does this entail changing partners every two years for the rest of your life? Or just whenever you get bored?



She was initially attracted to her boyfriend. So someone else she's attracted to, will she have to break up with them after 2 years when she's not attracted anymore? And find someone else attractive? Continue searching for attractive people all her life?
If sex with your wife/husband got boring after a while, would you get a divorce? Or would you see why it was getting so boring and then make it un-boring?

OP, it is natural and normal to not be as attracted to a partner as much as you initially were. You would never be able to sustain that initial attraction all your life with a partner. So it is inevitable that at some point there has to be more than that and attraction will not come as easily as it did when you first got together. Work on it, get that spark back. Don't base your relationship on something as temporary as that kind of attraction. It won't ever last more than a few years. There is more to relationships than attraction/sex, although attraction and sex are important too.
I would expect you have pretty good communication with your bf by now, so why not talk about your sex life?



If someone has a debt problem, do they run away? Yes they could, but the better thing to do would be to think it through, talk with concerned companies solve it. If someone has a problem at work, do they resign? Yes they could, but the better thing to do would be to talk to someone and solve it.
Problems are made for solving, not for running away from.
My point: Breaking up IS NOT the solution to every relationship problem.


What a post....That's great advice, well said :smile:
Reply 19
frankiebeeb
I've been going out with my bf for nearly 2 years, he's a lovely guy, kind and loyal and I know he cares for me. However, for the past 6 months i just haven't felt attracted to him physically even though i love him a lot. I don't enjoy having sex with him because of this (we were both virgins before we met, and i think i still might be cos he can't seem to penetrate me). Now i'm at uni, i find myself attracted to another guy who is the total opposite of my bf (not very nice, but very attractive) i know he's not interested so he's hardly worth throwing my relationship away over, but is this a sign i should break up with my bf? I'm afraid of losing him as a friend :frown: any advice would be appreciated.



There's a point here that I think you're missing. You're already staring to look around and you've noticed another guy at uni. So what happens when you stumble across a guy you actually like?

This is typical of a lot of relationships where people think they're in love with eachother, truth is. Part of love is sometimes being with someone even though you might not be physically or emotionally attracted to eachother 24hours a day, 365days a year. People need their own space. I'm not saying that this is the whole foundation of love, it's not and everyone is different.

I'm just saying that people go through phases like this and more often than not, it's because they've gotten over comfortable with eachother. Your relationship isn't dead, it just needs another kickstart. Talk to eachother about it because when you can both understand eachother and what might be wrong, you might be able to both act on it.