The "beauty standard"

Having struggled with an eating disorder for many years, I lack confidence about my body. This is exacerbated by the fact that I am currently underweight, and therefore feel self conscious of being "bony" and unattractive to my (very loving) boyfriend. My breasts are very, very small (~A cup at a push) and I feel "inadequate". This is my opinion of myself - not something that anyone has said explicitly - but it isn't exactly helped by the body shMing society in which we live, where those who do not have said "ideal" characteristic are often verbally abused and mocked for their so-called discrepancy.

I do not feel attractive. I do not understand how he can be attracted to me. This is something which I am extremely insecure about and affects me greatly. Having felt shame and disgust about my body for so long, it seems alien to view it any differently - and therefore it is difficult to accept that anybody else could, either. I just want to make peace with myself.

Reply 1

Muffer

The way you're feeling makes perfect sense. Don't despise yourself for it. You're alive, and young, and you still want things - which is why this is hitting you so hard. I've seen people let themselves get into this state and not care even a little, and though that's easier, they have an emptiness that in the end is far more crushing than any pain.

What people don't understand about self esteem issues is that you have to repair the body to repair the way you look at it. You're not going to see your body in a positive, light, clean, carefree, loving way if you're undernourished. If you're overweight and have had an eating disorder for so long, you've probably got severe vitamin and mineral deficiencies, and that really affects your mental health. Relax! there's no other way for you to feel. You need to fix your body first before your mood and emotions heal. And they will. The idea that this is a mental problem, and that you can fix it by learning to 'love your body and accept yourself' is useless unless your body is working properly. You're exhausted, depleted, drained. You need to get your strength up.

Because my sister has gone through years and years of manic depression, extreme weight loss and suicidal urges, I've done so much research into this. You need to care about your diet in ways that you usually wouldn't think of. You have to take it seriously. You NEED TO:

- Cut out dairy, gluten and sugar as much as you can. This sounds like your entire diet but you'd be surprised at how many alternatives there are. These are foods that no one should be eating. Cow dairy and wheat products are so modified and deformed they are barely edible anymore. And sugar causes a spike in blood sugar, which can give you anxiety and heightened emotion, and then a crash, which leaves you lower than you were before. You are poisoning yourself a little every time you eat them, so taking them out of your diet will instantly remove stress on your system, help you absorb nutrients, give you more energy, and lighten your mood. Also, you will simply look better. Just a two week gluten-dairy-sugar free diet makes my skin smooth and spot-free, brings my colour back, and my body looks sleek, not bloated.

- Replace them with almost anything else. You won't like some of the foods but since you obviously would do anything to feel better, it will be worth it. Eat as many vegetables as you can, avoid fruit, eat small amounts of beans and nuts and lentils, eat lots of meat - turkey, chicken, beef, especially lamb, all except pork, which has parasites - and eat a can of sardines every other day, don't eat salmon, mackerel and tuna often. Eat goats and sheep cheese and milk if you want. Replace milk with hazelnut, rice, or almond milk, not soya. Replace wheat with quinoa or buckwheat or rice. Have three full meals a day, and train yourself to eat even if you're not hungry. Once it becomes routine you'll find you barely care what you eat.

Read the Mood Cure by Julia Ross. You don't have to do everything it says, just fill out the questionnaires and find where you're lacking, and then do what it says. It's extremely clear and easy to follow. Her advice on supplements for different kinds of mood and emotional problems is stellar. Just so you know, you can't just get any vitamin/mineral supplements from tesco or holland and barretts. The quality of the supplement is the most important thing. do some research on good quality,food grade ones.

If you want I can send you the book for free, I work in customer service at a book store and I can swing that. :smile:

PM me if you want to know more. Just take this seriously, take care of your body as well as you can. Exercise for at least half an hour every other day, if that's all you can do. Get into meditation. Make sure you get at least 8 hours sleep a night.

Start with your body. It's simpler this way, takes the blame off your mind and will lighten everything in no time.

Trust me. I've helped two people who had serious breakdowns with this before, and it's worked for both of them. If you can lighten your mood and feel happier, your brain will start to naturally work better and your view of your body will change. Good luck.

Reply 2

clonedmemories

There's a lot to contend with here, and one of the things I will say is that with it being such an ingrained thinking pattern to you, whatever changes that happen to your body, you'll still find something to criticise for as long as you stay in that mindset. I'm in recovery for an ED myself and have very similar thoughts, and I feel just as bad having gained weight (if not worse) than I did when I hated myself for being bony and angular.

Are you receiving help for your ED? Making both the physical and psychological changes gradually and at the same time is probably the best way to make peace with yourself. I'm going through the process myself currently, and it seems like it will be effective, but it's long and it's difficult to change the way you think so drastically. I'm doing CBT in conjunction with dietician appointments to tackle each different side of the problem, and without knowing quite where you are/where you've been through already with your own experiences, it might be something worth looking into.

Best of luck :hugs:

Reply 3

candlejsra

Original post by Anonymous

You mentioned that no one has explicitly said anything negative towards you about this and that includes your boyfriend. He must be attracted to you if he shows you love and affection. not everyone abides by the beauty standards in the media. Everyone has their own tastes and preferences.

What Muffer said about the body needing to repair in order to work efficiently and for you to be able to deal with this in the right state is true. However, it would be best to seek professional help from a dietitian and look into therapy. Only a dietitian can give you personalised dietary information for you to regain your strength.

I'm currently trying to gain weight myself. It's tough since I've never really been a healthy BMI but I've felt like I'm tired constantly and unable to keep meeting the demands of uni and life in general. My bf has never said that I need to gain weight but says that even if I was overweight he'd still want me. It's not about the body! I want to gain for myself and you should want to do it for your health too.

Keep us posted! Take care xx

The "beauty standard"

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