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Muslim woman who couldn't sleep with my husband - my fault?

I don't want this to turn into a religion bashing thread, I genuinely want opinions on whether I made the right choice in leaving my husband and if the blame is mainly on me for the breakdown of the marriage. People of all religions are welcome to reply.

It was an arranged marriage, I only saw him a couple times for a few minutes before getting married however we were texting each other. When we got married, I told him I didn't want anything to happen between us on the first night as I was really scared, we were strangers and I wanted to know him better and he said ok.

i was planning on sleeping with him in the honeymoon, which was three days later anyway. But I started my time of the month on the first night we were there so it didn't happen.

There were things about his personality that made me feel uncomfortable, as time went on he would say more things that pushed me further away from him. The first night of the marriage when I told him how nervous I was during the wedding, he said he was fine, he felt like he was a guest in it instead of getting married. On the first night of the honeymoon, he told me I wasn't normal and when I asked why, he said if he asked a hundred women one thing, they would give the same answer but I wouldnt. I didn't know how to take it so I said nothing.

As time went by, he didn't like me texting my friends so I stopped. If I wanted to go to the shops, I had to ask for his permission and his mums too (she didn't live with us) and I kept getting confused on who I should ask when.

He kept wanting me to change my behaviour and be more talkative and I did. He would always tell me how he was perfect and I had to change (this is mainly due to the non-sex) but change my personality of being introverted too (he was a very confident, extroverted man).

When we argued, he would shout at me but I wouldn't raise my voice because I wanted to be diplomatic, I am really scared of confrontations. He would slam doors on the way out and rev the car engine when speeding away.

I get really bad periods some months and once I was downstairs helping his mum with cooking. I couldn't stand up anymore and crawled up the stairs trying to get to bed. I couldn't reach the bed so I just lay in a foetal position on the floor. He was sleeping at the time and when he woke up he just ignored me and walked past downstairs (this was the first time he ever saw me this bad). Later, that day he told my family (who came for a dinner party) that he wanted them to sort me out because I wouldnt sleep with him. That night, in bed, he told me when he saw me on the floor, he didn't care. His mum told him his wife was on the floor in pain and he shrugged his shoulders.

I did say I was ready twice but both times he rejected me saying I'm not normal to have waited so long (couple months) and I needed to be fully ready.

Anyway, I left him after he kept threatening me with divorce. My family and his family, including him, were saying he wouldn't have reacted like that if I didn't say no to him the first night. So ultimately, I am to blame. I am willing to accept that.

I just want to know if this is how men usually are? It's kind of scared me off men and marriage. Is it my fault for letting things get out of hand? I admit I feel awful that I must have hurt him too by being like this, I tried everything I could to change but kept being told it's not good enough.

I commend you if you've made it this far into reading this, I'm sorry it's so long.

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Are men like this usually? Well I'm not sure within the muslim community but I can tell you personally that I would never do that to my wife. You have a complete right to say no to him and you should be 100% sure that you are ready before anything happens.
Reply 2
Original post by Moonschool
Are men like this usually? Well I'm not sure within the muslim community but I can tell you personally that I would never do that to my wife. You have a complete right to say no to him and you should be 100% sure that you are ready before anything happens.


Maybe I do have a right to say no, but I think maybe it was wrong of me to be like that for that long. From what you read, does it sound like I might have instigated him acting this way toward me? I feel like I have
Original post by Anonymous
My family and his family, including him, were saying he wouldn't have reacted like that if I didn't say no to him the first night. So ultimately, I am to blame. I am willing to accept that.

I just want to know if this is how men usually are? It's kind of scared me off men and marriage. Is it my fault for letting things get out of hand? I admit I feel awful that I must have hurt him too by being like this, I tried everything I could to change but kept being told it's not good enough.

I am a non-Muslim so this must be taken in the context of my own culture and standards. Nevertheless, religion and culture aside, I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this excuse for a man is.

He has undermined your confidence, trampled on your feelings and ignored everything any decent human being would do to support and help a person in such obvious distress.

From my perspective, it is absolutely, categorically, indisputably NOT your fault and you must never accept that it is.

You cannot cheat the fate that inflicted you with an awful medical condition and equally awful families, but no-one ever asks to be born into either of these.

He is an adult and yet he has from the very start behaved in a conceited, puerile and petulant manner completely to your detriment and suffering and with no sympathy or empathy towards you. How on earth can sex and self-gratification be placed above the health and well-being of another - his wife no less?

The one thing good that will come out of this is you will keep your own dignity and self-respect. Walk away from it and never look back.

His family are no longer your burden - good riddance to them.

Your family should be supporting you with all of the love and help they can give you. That is after all, what good humans do for each other.

I can't tell you what to do, but you have my sympathy, empathy and complete respect for standing up to this brute. Stay strong, keep your chin up and be proud of yourself for surviving this nightmare intact and doing what is right for yourself.

You are most definitely better off without him.

Good luck and best wishes. :smile:
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 4
You did the right thing
Reply 5
Men, generally have a big ego. Perhaps it was the way you said may have came across as pride/arrogance? And thus hurt his feelings? I'm just assuming, it may not be right.
And yes you are right, part of marriage and love in the relationship between husband and wife physically.

I am sorry about this, I pray that Allah SWT ease your affairs.
Try talking and see what is the underlying problem.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by HQazi
Men, generally have a big ego. Perhaps it was the way you said may have came across as pride/arrogance? And thus hurt his feelings? I'm just assuming, it may not be right.
And yes you are right, part of marriage and love in the relationship between husband and wife physically.

I am sorry about this, I pray that Allah SWT ease your affairs.
Try talking and see what is the underlying problem.
Posted from TSR Mobile


But what about his arrogance, and how much he's hurting her emotionally? There's no excuse.

OP, you've made the right choice by leaving him.
Reply 7
Original post by enaayrah
But what about his arrogance, and how much he's hurting her emotionally? There's no excuse.

OP, you've made the right choice by leaving him.


I am, in no way defending how poorly he treated her. It was disgusting. Your wife is your other half, you treat her with respect and dignity.

But we cannot make or give the advice of leaving him. OP should consult her parents, and her husband himself.

Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 8
Original post by uberteknik
I am a non-Muslim so this must be taken in the context of my own culture and standards. Nevertheless, religion and culture aside, I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this excuse for a man is.

He has undermined your confidence, trampled on your feelings and ignored everything any decent human being would do to support and help a person in such obvious distress.

From my perspective, it is absolutely, categorically, indisputably NOT your fault and you must never accept that it is.

You cannot cheat the fate that inflicted you with an awful medical condition and equally awful families, but no-one ever asks to be born into either of these.

He is an adult and yet he has from the very start behaved in a conceited, puerile and petulant manner completely to your detriment and suffering and with no sympathy or empathy towards you. How on earth can sex and self-gratification be placed above the health and well-being of another - his wife no less?

The one thing good that will come out of this is you will keep your own dignity and self-respect. Walk away from it and never look back.

His family are no longer your burden - good riddance to them.

Your family should be supporting you with all of the love and help they can give you. That is after all, what good humans do for each other.

I can't tell you what to do, but you have my sympathy, empathy and complete respect for standing up to this brute. Stay strong, keep your chin up and be proud of yourself for surviving this nightmare intact and doing what is right for yourself.

You are most definitely better off without him.

Good luck and best wishes. :smile:


Thanks, reading ur response just made me teary. I wish I could believe what you are saying. I just feel like maybe if I was stronger I could have handled everything better. If everyone around me is saying I am to blame, surely this must have some truth to it?
Original post by HQazi
But we cannot make or give the advice of leaving him.


Yes we can.

OP, your husband sounds like a horrible person and I think you made the right choice in leaving him. While there will be others like him out there, his behaviour isn't representative of all men in the slightest.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks, reading ur response just made me teary. I wish I could believe what you are saying. I just feel like maybe if I was stronger I could have handled everything better. If everyone around me is saying I am to blame, surely this must have some truth to it?


You are not to blame, you have the free will to say no. Forget what others say, they haven't experienced what you have

Hope this helps :smile:
Original post by HQazi
I am, in no way defending how poorly he treated her. It was disgusting. Your wife is your other half, you treat her with respect and dignity.

But we cannot make or give the advice of leaving him. OP should consult her parents, and her husband himself.

Posted from TSR Mobile


I'm quite timid by nature, I don't think I come across as arrogant since I had very low self esteem to begin with. When I said no to him, it wasn't a straight blunt no, just me sounding very scared and my voice shaking.

In terms of arrogance, people did comment on him looking arrogant in the wedding as he kept comparing how many friends he had compared to me (I only had a handful of friends come as that's how I felt comfortable). I just chalked it up to his confidence, he said himself he is a very confident man and I admit I was hoping some of that confidence would rub off on me.

I had spoken to my husband many times about my feelings, each time I was told to change as he was perfect the way he was and I had something wrong with me. My family see me as the guilty party too as I am the woman and should compromise
Reply 12
theres nothing wrong with not doing it on your first night sister, inshallah when i get married i wouldnt be comfortable with it. Husbands should understand as there is a hadith about a husband being delicate with his wife esp on the wedding night. hope your okay sis x
Original post by enaayrah
You are not to blame, you have the free will to say no. Forget what others say, they haven't experienced what you have

Hope this helps :smile:


Thank you for your kind words. I'm scared of getting into the same situation again, I don't want to burden the man I am with. It makes me scared to think men can be like this. Then it scares me thinking I was the one who influenced that sort of behaviour. That he was ok to begin with but changed because of me :frown:
Original post by ubi1
Yes you do have some blame; there's always 2 sides to the coin, you played you role in the destruction of your own marriage....:angry:


I agree with this, everything has two sides. I just don't know how to avoid this happening again in the future :frown:
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for your kind words. I'm scared of getting into the same situation again, I don't want to burden the man I am with. It makes me scared to think men can be like this. Then it scares me thinking I was the one who influenced that sort of behaviour. That he was ok to begin with but changed because of me :frown:


Don't think that you influenced him in anyway, he simply isn't a pleasant man. Remember that if he can't accept you the way you are, he doesn't deserve you
(edited 8 years ago)
Posted from TSR Mobile

No,the burden of blame lies with the man for being a unpleasant douchebag.
Original post by ubi1
wtf? Mad or wat!


Of course I'm mad, your statement is amazingly ignorant and unsympathetic
I can't understand how a marriage (arranged or not) can ever be justified if there's no love. I mean what's the point? You are not even slightly to blame here, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I think in a situation like this you need to not be timid and be more assertive and strong. Stand your ground and stick up for yourself, just the way he is. He obviously has no qualms in treating you like s**t and and if i was in a situation like that i would definitely give him a taste of his own medicine.

As for your own family blaming you thats obviously culture talking. It's uneducated ignorant talk and they don't know any better then blaming the failing of a marriage on the woman. You aren't to blame here. You haven't done anything wrong except trusting the man you agreed to be your husband to be an honest decent man.

Best of luck sister x
(edited 8 years ago)

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